Zaltys

 Zaltys by Matthew J Eliot

"Everything that comes in threes is perfect." 
"Yes, but, well, counting you, there's four of us. That's one too many, isn't it?" 

- The Fifth Doctor and Adric

It's telling that the story closes with that line, especially since Zaltys is utter, utter, shit. This trilogy, while it's not been awful (Hell, the Star Men was pretty damn good) is genuinely shocking to me, especially after the run from The Secret History to The Peterloo Massacre was so strong. I don't think Adric is a bad character at Big Finish, quite the opposite, he's rather enjoyable, but I've started to notice these stories struggle with their balancing act. This story is the ever diabolical main range stinker, and these stories, when bad, are by rule of thumb, often much worse than one hour stories, simply because of the run-time. I've complained about boring Main Range releases before (Shield of the Jotunn and A Life Of Crime are the most egregious examples,) but Zaltys blew my mind, because with Shield and Crime, I had a "let's get this over with" mentality, and listened to them in one go, which may have aided my boredom. With Zaltys, I listened to it in FOUR SITTINGS, one for each part, and was bored out of my mind for all of them - even this method, which often helps with Classic Who pacing, was utterly useless in the face of Zaltys' sheer aimlessness, the story is just ...dead. It sucks all life out of it, much like the Vampires that it happens to contain. Unlike stories like Vampire Science, Labyrinth of Buda Castle or State of Decay, or even Vampires of Venice, these Vampires don't have any gravitas or fascination behind them. There are no ideas to them. They feel lazy. They feel generic. There are no ideas as to how they're related to either Earth Vampires, or The Great Vampires, or even any twist upon them that would make them interesting. They aren't gothic. They aren't scary, and they don't even have the refuge of a silly or hammy nature to them. There's no connection to history, or culture, or anything. They are legitimately just space aliens, that, occasionally talk about thirst for blood and stuff. And not well. They don't have many lines.

I legitimately think it is impossible to fail at a villain more. They're just one aspect though in the pile of shit, however, and I think the story is most egregious in it's disconnect. The Doctor, Nyssa, Adric and Tegan, all tend to be doing their own things, all four of them, and most of them feel like they're running around in circles half the time. Most of them have their own guest stars to talk to, but with the exception of Rebecca Root's character, that weird annoying fish thing and Clarimonde, I don't even remember them. I repeat that I have listened to this story's conclusion intently less than a few minutes ago. I do not remember them. Think about that. Think about how much that has failed. Most of them die too, but none of these deaths mean anything, this high body count is blood for blood's sake because none of it has any impact. We never learn anything beyond the superficial about anyone or anything here. Sable is an asshole who's only out for herself. That's her entire character. The weird annoying Fish thing likes Tegan. Clarimonde is evil. That one psychic dude is psychic. There's really nothing here beyond function. And I would think that that would be fine if it was a forty minute script and that script was full of life and energy to it, but this fucker drags on for two hours I can't get back and if you're going to do that, well, then at least an attempt at characterization is necessary. What we do have time for in this two hour script though, is running around in circles, and...needless continuity references. 

The Zero Room, Auntie Vanessa, Castrovalva, Vampires (this one doubles as foreshadowing), Time Lords, and oops, that's the first five minutes. The entire plot is also the result of an unseen Third Doctor and Jo Grant story (write a tally mark on your arm whenever this happens, and you'll quickly look like the victim of a silence attack) Later When presented with a cryochamber, the Doctor instantly says in ONE SENTENCE, I KID YOU NOT, that he finds it similar to Silurian cryosleep chambers, and also reminds him of the cryosleep chambers on Telos from Tomb of the Cyberman and I repeat that he says this whole thing basically out loud and it is unbelievably unnatural. I find it hard to believe he didn't start going on about the Ark in Space too. If it exists in Doctor Who, it MUST BE REFERENCED IN DIALOG! God. I wouldn't hate it so much if in all earnest, it adds absolutely nothing to the scene. That's my point. That's my kill shot right there. Because in all honesty, Zaltys is nothing but nothing.

[Sigh.] As a reviewer, I do have to point out what works too, even if I don't want to give this hellion of a tale a measly bit of credit, but to be honest? The direction is stellar. Everyone's trying their best, they really are, and god bless Janet Fielding so much because she is given the hardest job of the lot in a series of awful scenes where she runs around in circles, and her performance legitimately still kept me half awake, because she's just such a talented actress. Tegan's Big Finish presence is so damn good. She's so good, I can't even verbalize it, she's so good. Rebecca Root is given such a shit character to play in Sable, but she still gave the character charm and dignity. Clarimonde is legit intriguing at the start, because at the very least you're wondering what kind of feud she has with the Doctor, and are intrested to see their later confrontation (it doesn't happen by the way) and the score is actually good. But in the end, that's all the good I have to say about Zaltys. I don't want to seem like a negative angry fuck, but I'm a reviewer, and sometimes you have to rip a story a new asshole. That being said, I at least have respect for Zaltys, because guess what? Never did I think that anyone wasn't trying their best throughout. Everyone tried to make it work. 

Except the damn writer. 3/10