The Diary of River Song Series Ten - Two Rivers and A Firewall

 

The Diary of River Song Series Ten - Two Rivers and A Firewall

Two Rivers and a Firewall is the Tenth Volume of Diary of River Song, and it's oddly basically not a very cohesive volume. Each of these stories could 100% be released individually without any consequence to the others. They really did just pick the two more likely to get people interested stories in the set and made them the title. Huh. It's an odd choice, especially since in sets like The Ninth Doctor Adventures, they've scrambled to try and figure out a title that thematically fits the set together. Those sets have disparate stories anyway, but perhaps Two Rivers and A Firewall is on the next level of disparate. It has no story-arc or linking thematic material whatsoever. I think you sort of need something. Even if it's really loose. If you're going to go through the effort of giving a boxset a title, you have to pick a title that means something and links the stories together in some way. Because otherwise, what do I write in this little overall section that I start each review with? Nothing that's what

Anyway 

Two Rivers and a Firewall doesn't make sense to me as an idea for a set because this series usually does really well with a boxset having a theme to it or some kind of arc. That's my opinion. But that being said, certain stories within it do most certainly merit your time...

The Two Rivers by Tim Foley

In terms of a standalone River Song episode, The Two Rivers is kinda the most perfect individual hour with River you can ask for. It's immeasurably based, and in my opinion, Alex Kingston gives her best performance yet as the character. The easiest comparison The Two Rivers could make to another audio drama would likely be to The Lumiat. Both are stories that use their central concept of "introducing new possibly quite important whoniverse character" to forward the primary character's character arcs in a fabulous way that enriches the whole piece to an extent that introducing the cool new character is almost secondary. Both have a Moffatian sense of humor and wit in their convoluted time-plots, but in both the character is what matters in making the piece ultimately rewarding. River Song has never really had a Multi-River story in a similar way to the way The Doctor and Master get Multi-Doctor or Master stories. She can't really on paper, because she's a singular character. So Tim Foley very smartly takes an alternative River and starts asking questions about River in the vein of the Multi-Doctor special. What does River herself, as a character, represent? 

For a character that is ostensibly a love interest, a third companion, or a plot device on television, these are certainly questions worth asking, and by River literally meeting a slightly more ethically ambiguous version of herself, we get to see some of (but not all of) the answers. I like how River's standalone adventures on audio lend to these analyzations of the character. By taking our larger than life, very fun, likable figure that we enjoy spending time with, and then furthering her prior characterization to make her into a three-dimensional character outside the Doctor in addition to being three-dimensional with him, that's a brilliant coup that Big Finish have done over these sets, and The Two Rivers almost feels like a culmination. Fabulous - ingenious, even. 

No analysis of the Two Rivers would feel complete however, without bringing up the delightful Mimi M Khayisa, who has almost as hard, if not a harder job here than Alex Kingston. She has to make us believe in this alternative River figure in an hour, and her character has a lot of emotional beats to cover within that time. She truly and very eloquently sells them. It takes a hell of a lot of work to be on the same bar as Alex Kingston, especially when Alex Kingston is delivering one of her best performances - up there with Signs, Lies in Ruins, and Someone I Once Knew. This is a ridiculously good story to open the set, and solidifies Tim Foley as one of the world's best Doctor Who writers in my eyes - what a utter coup. If you said "The Two Rivers multi-river story" to me before I heard this audio I would laugh at you, because the sentence just sounds like a silly internet shitpost made by someone who still can't like a Steven Moffat story. But ultimately it's one of the most phenomenal pieces of work with the Doctor Who logo on it. Don't judge a book by it's cover - 10/10

Beauty on the Inside by Lizzie Hopley

I often prefer a story with no established IP on paper to a story with a lot of pre-established IP. There's more creative opportunity. Granted it's sometimes fun to deal with a stupid Cyberman or Master story or whatever, but ultimately, they're also constraints. There are only so many Dalek tales to be told. That being said, sometimes you need something, anything, ANYTHING AT ALL interesting to put in a pile of schlop to make it even worth listening to at all. 

Hold on for a minute. I think something is wrong here. I sound utterly up my own asshole. I have become what I hate - one of those stupid over the top Youtubers who cannot like things if a gun's to their head. Let's try and be civil here about Beauty on the Inside. But for the record, most of my opinion of Beauty does immediately go there.  It's an opinion of shock. My brain refuses to process it. It's just like. you get The Two Rivers which is . the best river story i've ever done. and then Beauty on the Inside which is without a doubt the worst. This is such an odd set that it makes me sound like I'm a madwoman lying in the sewers, screeching about the end times. I'm not really that polarized. I do recognize though that It makes me sound off my own tits, but I promise you! I promise you that I'm not inflating my own opinions, not exaggerating, and I'm not lying - my favorite and least favorite River stories are both in this set, and they're right next to each other.

Beauty on the Inside is about a painting of a Royal Family that River buys at an auction. Said royal family desperately wants this painting - is willing to kill for it, despite said painting being perfectly ordinary. If there's one thing that I would like to quickly touch on, it's this. This is in no way a bad hook for a Doctor Who story. This is the best thing Beauty on the Inside does have going for it, a maybe okay hook. This isn't unsalvageable. I'm not wondering why a story with this concept was made. But ultimately, it's another audio story with the same problem that so many bad audio productions have - it's forgotten what it is, and what it's going for. This is not a story that is suited to audio. It is mostly an action story in it's twenty minutes or so, uniquely designed to make you zone out for when the majority of the plot happens at the palace with the royal family, who are not really distinct enough for you to get really invested in the mystery. 

The royal family are what kills this story dead, although the early plot with the Guard certainly doesn't help. They are incredibly uninteresting characters. There are quite a few of them, and I couldn't name a character trait for any of them, except maybe the stereotypical royal "pompous." They aren't trying to be subtle either - they're clearly supposed to be overblown stereotypes, and I think that's a marvellous idea. But they're ultimately forgettable, which is certainly the word I'd use to describe this story.

Empty Doctor Who like this is to me consistently worse than bad Doctor Who that I can find something enjoyably bad in - I know I have found a lot of joy in rubbish stories, plenty of times. This isn't something I can do that with, I'm afraid. So. Yeah. I know. I sound like a mean old shithead. But this was just really bad, I'm sorry - 3/10 

Black Friday by Lauren Mooney and Stewart Pringle

Lauren Mooney and Stewart Pringle are Big Finish newcomers who I've come to really rather respect. None of the stories I've heard from them have been amazing, no, but they've all been not terrible. They've all given me something to keep me going, they've had thought put into them, and while they aren't triumphs of the highest accord, I have enjoyed their work and look forward to seeing more of it.

This being said, they've been dealt a bad hand. Black Friday is an Auton story, and it's clearly derived from that one line River has in ...The Big Bang, I think, about dating an Auton with swappable heads. This may be the most niche and useless random joke to make an entire story out of, but you know, I won't argue with the results. They're surprisingly fairly good results. The Autons are consistently the worst foe on audio stories for Big Finish, mostly because they don't talk and they don't have any identifiable sound cues minus the gun. This being said, Black Friday is probably, and I say this exceedingly lightly, the best Auton story I've done in Big Finish, because it gives them an actual avatar to work with, the delightfully quirky computer advertising voice. 

There's something a little bit perfect about the Autons going pure commercial, putting them in a spacewide department store. It being empty and the story thus having a tighter focus on River and Mikhail makes it an even better treat. The story uses the banter between them quite well. The story develops well, has good pacing, and didn't make me want to scream. Perhaps I'm in a better mood after Beauty on the Inside, but something that retained all of my attention is definitely worth something. Not a classic I have too much to say about, but a very proficient story, and yeah - the respect I have for Mooney and Pringle remains consistent. Yeah, this is their only second outing, but between this and the similarly decent Grey Mare, I hope they continue to get more work. 6/10 

Firewall by Barnaby Kay

Long time Big Finish veteran voice actor, Barnaby Kay, delivers his first script for the company, and let's be honest - it's certainly eclectic. That's not to diss it. This is a story that I was very adamant shouldn't exist and was actively against hearing until I turned it on - a story about River's afterlife. This is a dangerous subject to breach, I feel, ruining a lot of the mystique and the really good END to the character we had. If we get any more in this area - which this story seems to regrettably tease, I will be annoyed. Ultimately, this singular story however, doesn't make me want to kill. It's a pretty decent ep. Surprise. 

Firewall is a story about a virus breaching River's lovely computer storage in the library where she lives a life with Proper Dave and Charlotte Lux, since Big Finish couldn't afford Steve Pemberton or Elon Musk's Ex Girlfriend. River has to take herself out of the Donna-esque illusion and face down the evil quirky and very fun Malware named MAL. MAL saves this story, being ridiculously psychotic comic relief in the vein of John Simm or Missy's Masters at their most manic. He's the kind of guy who says "Hakuna Matata" after shooting someone and summons himself a cowboy hat to have a shootout with River with a ridiculous cowboy accent. I love this stupid little man. This is the kind of side character that I can't help but adore. The story being really similar to Forest of the Dead is the difficult part of the story though, as having River figure out what's up with her life similar to the way Donna did, except, without the you know, effective trauma and astonishing acting is slightly really not very good at all. The ultimate plot resolution revolving around The Doctor being confused with a John Smith is really funny and clever though, and MAL, Proper Dave and Charlotte are a convincingly good supporting cast for the hour at least.

It's a pretty good result, but you do have to wonder "at what cost?" The whole story gives me a sense of dread and ennui that Big Finish will do more with this in the future. That being said, the story is enjoyable, quirky and it's hard to dislike. But the thing is I kind of want to. The story teases a "data defenders" series that just shouldn't happen. But as a one off, this is certainly acceptable. 7/10