NCJDDAS: Benny and The Jets
NCJDDAS, Season Two, Crossover Part One: Benny and The Jets
Chapter One
The Planet was made of charcoal. Black, dark plains, and the sky was yellow with fumes.
The land was cold, and the wind bit through you, but there was no snow, no rain, and barely any atmosphere besides a thin air that left the inhabitants of the planet lethargic and slow.
There were no trees. There was nothing above the surface of the planet, but the black plains of charcoal, for miles, and miles, and miles. Forever. No Oceans, just the flat deathly plains.
But beneath…
Beneath there was life. Underground, there were many tunnels, filled with fluorescent vines, and the light and plants were what the people survived on. They farmed the land, the fluorescent vines were food, and light, and underground, the world was near a paradise.
Greenery grew, water formed in huge caverns, a huge cave valley, where the native species thrived. Until the aliens came. They wanted the coal, the fuel, and they would try and take it.
The tunnels collapsed.
No one came there for a long time. They couldn’t mine the surface, without the indiginous peoples house. No one would dare to excavate such a dangerous world.
Except Bernice Summerfield.
* * *
The TARDIS materialized.
Danny stepped out.
“When the flying fuck are we going to go pick up Kate and Osgood?” He asked. It was up-front, but it was deserved, especially considering he wasn't aware that Kate and Osgood were totally one episode companions in this show.
“Oh, when I get to heathrow 1981, I’d assume.” The Doctor joked, as she stepped outside, scarf trailing behind her. She looked at the pitch black surface of the planet, and reached down, licking it slightly.
“Mm...Charcoal. With a hint of lemon. I’d say we’re on Arsene Nine. Which is fun.”
“What’s Arsene Nine? And Why’s the air so thin? It’s like we’re on a mountain top.”
“An Incredibly unlikely planet, made entirely out of charcoal, and alien fluorescent plants which are underground, and the only natural food source." The Doctor smiled. "Always wanted to make it here."
Danny spoke: “So, this place is barely habitable, Doctor. What are we doing here? Why don’t we leave?”
“Well, I mean, if you’re asking that, that probably means something eventful is going to happen, so I’m thinking we keep walking.” The Doctor said. "Every time we're just about to leave a planet something stops us from leaving."
“Knowing tropes doesn’t mean they’ll happen, Doctor.” Danny said, before he and the Doctor fell in a pit.
Danny awoke, weary.
The Doctor picked him up. “Jeez, you’ve been out for a long time.” She said.
“The more and more time I spend with you, I realize how unlike Dame Judi Dench you are.” Danny commented blithely, as he got up.
“Forgive my impertinence, my dear fellow, my good sir,” The Doctor said, mockingly. She bowed in false deference, before hopping upwards! "Come on! Alien planet! Super cool! Let's go look!"
The Doctor whispered to Benny. “What’d you do?” “Nothing!” Implored Benny. “He did try and stab me first, so I tore out his eyes and his balls and put his eyes where his balls were and his balls where his eyes were. And then, he...sort of bled to death.”
"Oh. Okay." The Doctor commented. The Master, meanwhile, kicked out of her grasp.
* * *
Danny walked up to the Rocket men shuttle, wearing a garbage can.
“Greetings, fellow Rocket man!” He said.
“GREETINGS, FELLOW ROCKET MAN!” The other Rocket man said, saluting.
“Orders from the top! Rocket must be deactivated, to prevent explosion of planet! Punishment of death is, um, too low for Bernice Summerfield!” Danny said, improvising.
“OH, OKAY, DUDE.” The Rocket Man said, deactivating the Rocket, and wandering away.
“Yes!” Danny whispered to himself, before taking out the sonic screwdriver, and removing all of the screws on the Rocket, and had it fall apart.
Crisis averted.
Meanwhile, deep in the dark, The Master nursed his wounds. By regenerating.
“Timeless Child, Timeless Child,” he muttered angrily. “This is all her fault. I hate that Doctor, I hate her, I hate her. But if it wasn’t for her, I’d be dead. She’s the best time lord for some reason, isn’t that stupid, isn’t that stupid-”
And then he was gone, and a blonde haired woman stood in his place.
“Well.” The Master muttered. “A new body. At last.”
The Doctor, Benny and Danny wandered back towards the TARDIS.
“That was remarkably clever of you, Danny.” The Doctor said.
“Thank you.” Responded Danny, feeling very sure of himself.
Benny ran up to them. “I just activated an anti fuel sonic thing that’ll let the Rocket Men leave the planet without it blowing up later. Traded it to them in exchange for complete freedom from Rocket Men law. I no longer am a fugitive.” She grinned.
“Wow, that’s very complex.”
“Well, I spent three novels and four audio boxsets doing it.” Benny said. “Anyway, I’m going to activate my vortex manipulator and head on back to the university.”
“Cool!” Said Danny. “Will we ever see you again?”
“Meh.” Muttered Benny, clicking her vortex manipulator. “I’m sure we can have some huge crossover event later down the line…”
But Benny didn’t disappear.
And a very angry Kingsley Telltale stood behind them.
Chapter Six
“Kingsley!” Screamed Benny.
“Who the fuck is Kingsley?” Danny asked.
“Who the fuck is Kingsley?” The Doctor asked.
Kingsley walked towards Benny angrily. “So,” he said. “I go through all this trouble bringing you here, the most dangerous planet probably possible, and you just happen to survive it without a scratch.” Kingsley growled.
“Wait, you’re the main villain?” Benny asked.
“Of course I am.” He growled. “And I set up a Rocket Men encampment here, and you just happen to manage surviving that!”
“Wow.” Benny said. “You really have it in for me.”
“Yes, because you aren’t Benny! You’re a badly characterized fan fiction version of her! And I like the Bernice Summerfield books and won’t have her made fun of.” Kingsley screamed, in the hammiest performance literally ever.
“No, I’m Benny.” Said Benny. "Just an ambiguously canon version of her."
“Fool! Nothing related to Doctor Who is non canon! Didn’t you read the Titan comic issue #4898729! It says everything is canon!”
“That issue is non canon.” Said Benny, shooting Kingsley in the knee with a bow and arrow she had definitely been carrying around for the whole story.
The Doctor and Danny incredulously stepped inside the TARDIS, realized they wanted this to never come up again, and waved around the picture of the Silence before blasting off in the TARDIS, into the yellow night sky.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield
Danny Devito as Danny
Michelle Yeoh as The Master
Sacha Dhawan as The Master
Avery Brooks As Kingsley Telltale
Nicholas Briggs as The Rocket Men
And Introducing Tricia Janine Helfer as the Master
Chapter One
The Planet was made of charcoal. Black, dark plains, and the sky was yellow with fumes.
The land was cold, and the wind bit through you, but there was no snow, no rain, and barely any atmosphere besides a thin air that left the inhabitants of the planet lethargic and slow.
There were no trees. There was nothing above the surface of the planet, but the black plains of charcoal, for miles, and miles, and miles. Forever. No Oceans, just the flat deathly plains.
But beneath…
Beneath there was life. Underground, there were many tunnels, filled with fluorescent vines, and the light and plants were what the people survived on. They farmed the land, the fluorescent vines were food, and light, and underground, the world was near a paradise.
Greenery grew, water formed in huge caverns, a huge cave valley, where the native species thrived. Until the aliens came. They wanted the coal, the fuel, and they would try and take it.
The tunnels collapsed.
No one came there for a long time. They couldn’t mine the surface, without the indiginous peoples house. No one would dare to excavate such a dangerous world.
Except Bernice Summerfield.
* * *
“You’re crazy,” said Kingsly.
“Yep," Benny began, "That’s probable, but let’s look at what we could do here."
Benny was talking to Kingsley Telltale, lead archaeologist of the Arsene people, the solar system the planet was in. The Charcoal Planet of Arsene Nine. She was looking for permission.
“Arsene Nine is the Biggest Opportunity for archeology any of us could ever get.” Benny implored. “A Charcoal planet, with a completely intact underground civilization, one that will nearly be perfectly preserved. And You’re just...ignoring it.” Kingsly looked away in a manner that would be sheepish were he not such a strong imposing man. His skin was dark, and his eyes were intent with the reflection of the light in the dimly lit corridors of the Arsene. The Arsene had a sensitivity to light, Benny had noted, and so she wasn't quite used to this whole thing yet. But she wasn't about to be cowed.
“It’s nearly impossible to land on the planet. Any rocket or ship with an engine landing anywhere nearby will cause the planet to explode, Bernice.” He was a little too familiar for her liking, especially since she liked not being told what to do.
“You’re crazy,” said Kingsly.
“Yep," Benny began, "That’s probable, but let’s look at what we could do here."
Benny was talking to Kingsley Telltale, lead archaeologist of the Arsene people, the solar system the planet was in. The Charcoal Planet of Arsene Nine. She was looking for permission.
“Arsene Nine is the Biggest Opportunity for archeology any of us could ever get.” Benny implored. “A Charcoal planet, with a completely intact underground civilization, one that will nearly be perfectly preserved. And You’re just...ignoring it.” Kingsly looked away in a manner that would be sheepish were he not such a strong imposing man. His skin was dark, and his eyes were intent with the reflection of the light in the dimly lit corridors of the Arsene. The Arsene had a sensitivity to light, Benny had noted, and so she wasn't quite used to this whole thing yet. But she wasn't about to be cowed.
“It’s nearly impossible to land on the planet. Any rocket or ship with an engine landing anywhere nearby will cause the planet to explode, Bernice.” He was a little too familiar for her liking, especially since she liked not being told what to do.
Benny narrowed her eyes and forged on. “I have a way onto the planet. Please, just let me go. In the name of Discovery. You can’t be so cautious, Kingsley, or you’ll never find anything. Dusting away at one stone with a brush, you’ll never be done with the ruin. You have to have at least a little abandon. And that’s something you have never had.”
Maybe she had pushed him a little too far. Kingsley made a furrowed face - before calling her an expletive in his native language.
“Thank you.” said Benny with exceeding politeness.
Kingsley sighed. “You have permission to get onto Arsene Nine. If you can.”
"Oh, I can get onto Arsene Nine - I've recently requisitioned myself a vortex manipulator."
“Piss off, Professor. Do not call me again.” Kingsley said, turning back to his work on his laptop.
“Oh, I’ll be sure to.” Benny said, smiling as she wandered out the door and used her bracelet to disappear into the time vortex. “People who hate me give the best favors.”
Maybe she had pushed him a little too far. Kingsley made a furrowed face - before calling her an expletive in his native language.
“Thank you.” said Benny with exceeding politeness.
Kingsley sighed. “You have permission to get onto Arsene Nine. If you can.”
"Oh, I can get onto Arsene Nine - I've recently requisitioned myself a vortex manipulator."
“Piss off, Professor. Do not call me again.” Kingsley said, turning back to his work on his laptop.
“Oh, I’ll be sure to.” Benny said, smiling as she wandered out the door and used her bracelet to disappear into the time vortex. “People who hate me give the best favors.”
* * *
The TARDIS materialized.
Danny stepped out.
“When the flying fuck are we going to go pick up Kate and Osgood?” He asked. It was up-front, but it was deserved, especially considering he wasn't aware that Kate and Osgood were totally one episode companions in this show.
“Oh, when I get to heathrow 1981, I’d assume.” The Doctor joked, as she stepped outside, scarf trailing behind her. She looked at the pitch black surface of the planet, and reached down, licking it slightly.
“Mm...Charcoal. With a hint of lemon. I’d say we’re on Arsene Nine. Which is fun.”
“What’s Arsene Nine? And Why’s the air so thin? It’s like we’re on a mountain top.”
“An Incredibly unlikely planet, made entirely out of charcoal, and alien fluorescent plants which are underground, and the only natural food source." The Doctor smiled. "Always wanted to make it here."
Danny spoke: “So, this place is barely habitable, Doctor. What are we doing here? Why don’t we leave?”
“Well, I mean, if you’re asking that, that probably means something eventful is going to happen, so I’m thinking we keep walking.” The Doctor said. "Every time we're just about to leave a planet something stops us from leaving."
“Knowing tropes doesn’t mean they’ll happen, Doctor.” Danny said, before he and the Doctor fell in a pit.
* * *
Benny materialized onto the planet surface, before her vortex manipulator fell apart. She cursed, knowing she got it cheap. She got out her sonic trowel, loaned to her by good ol’ River, and started digging into the coal matter that could be considered sand.
She got tired quickly.
She knew she should have brought her usual crew, but then realized she couldn’t, as the cast was bloated enough as it is.
Benny continued carving at the surface again, and the vibrations from her trowel escalated...until she too fell in.
* * *
Benny materialized onto the planet surface, before her vortex manipulator fell apart. She cursed, knowing she got it cheap. She got out her sonic trowel, loaned to her by good ol’ River, and started digging into the coal matter that could be considered sand.
She got tired quickly.
She knew she should have brought her usual crew, but then realized she couldn’t, as the cast was bloated enough as it is.
Benny continued carving at the surface again, and the vibrations from her trowel escalated...until she too fell in.
* * *
Danny awoke, weary.
The Doctor picked him up. “Jeez, you’ve been out for a long time.” She said.
“The more and more time I spend with you, I realize how unlike Dame Judi Dench you are.” Danny commented blithely, as he got up.
“Forgive my impertinence, my dear fellow, my good sir,” The Doctor said, mockingly. She bowed in false deference, before hopping upwards! "Come on! Alien planet! Super cool! Let's go look!"
A TARDIS dematerialized, and out stepped the Master. Specifically Sacha Dhawan's Master. The Master was wearing his purple jacket, the usual purple jacket. His dark skin was darker than usual in the shadows, and he did have a really great beard. "Hello?" He asked. "I'm the Doctor."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "You're seriously just showing up to random planets and pretending to be me nowadays?!"
"AH!" The Master jumped. "It's you! YOU!"
"Yeah, it's me. Hi. What are you doing here? I don't think this story neccesarily needs your presence so far." The Doctor said sarcastically.
The Master took the TCE out of his pocket and shot Danny.
He screamed, as the laser scarred his flesh, and Danny collapsed to the ground. The Master grinned.
"Doctor - I don't care what face you have, I don't care what your plans are - I don't need a plan. I only need to be here. I only need to show up and ruin as much of your life as possible for me to be happy." He smiled wickedly. "Besides, I've heard about you, Doctor. We're the same again. You're willing to do so much more now - you even carry a gun. The fun we're going to have Doctor - oh-ho-ho, this is going to be good, isn't it?"
He screamed, as the laser scarred his flesh, and Danny collapsed to the ground. The Master grinned.
"Doctor - I don't care what face you have, I don't care what your plans are - I don't need a plan. I only need to be here. I only need to show up and ruin as much of your life as possible for me to be happy." He smiled wickedly. "Besides, I've heard about you, Doctor. We're the same again. You're willing to do so much more now - you even carry a gun. The fun we're going to have Doctor - oh-ho-ho, this is going to be good, isn't it?"
The Doctor narrowed her eyes. "I will always oppose evil, regardless of how comedically sociopathic I'm being in a story for the audience's benefit."
“You're such a fool,” The Master growled, “Such a waste,” Before he fired again.
* * *
Just then, in an incredibly convienient fashion, Benny fell out of the cavern ceiling, and landed directly on Sacha Dhawan, knocking him over. He yelped as he fell into unconciousness.
Benny got up, bruised.
“Dame Judi Dench?” She asked. “Is this another one of my weirdly specific dreams? I did land directly on top of Sacha Dhawan…”
“Benny!” cheered The Doctor, rushing over.
“Doctor?” Benny realized, before they embraced.
“I’ve missed you! I haven’t seen you since-” The Doctor began.
“For me, it was number twelve.” Benny said. “Spoilers. Now what exactly are you doing here?”
“Oh, well, space things." The Doctor answered with a smile.
“You're such a fool,” The Master growled, “Such a waste,” Before he fired again.
* * *
Just then, in an incredibly convienient fashion, Benny fell out of the cavern ceiling, and landed directly on Sacha Dhawan, knocking him over. He yelped as he fell into unconciousness.
Benny got up, bruised.
“Dame Judi Dench?” She asked. “Is this another one of my weirdly specific dreams? I did land directly on top of Sacha Dhawan…”
“Benny!” cheered The Doctor, rushing over.
“Doctor?” Benny realized, before they embraced.
“I’ve missed you! I haven’t seen you since-” The Doctor began.
“For me, it was number twelve.” Benny said. “Spoilers. Now what exactly are you doing here?”
“Oh, well, space things." The Doctor answered with a smile.
"Figures." Benny noted.
Danny got up - still somewhat scorched.
Beneath the cavern floor, something rattled.
“Oh, shit.” The Doctor and Benny said simultaneously.
The Doctor turned, and picked up Sacha Dhawan’s Body, putting it over her shoulders. “Run!” she yelled.
Danny began screeching, “Oi, Doc! Who is this chick?”
“I’m Bernice Summerfield, professor of sex and archaeology.” Benny said, as they ran at high speed through the cavern, dodging pointy rock things.
Danny raised his eyebrows before the doctor slapped him.
“Focus. There’s something beneath the surface of this planet, and it’s waking up. And if I have the right idea…it’s gonna be real bad.” The Doctor said.
“What are you thinking, Daleks? A Tomb of Cybermen?”
“No, I’m thinking like a drashig or something,” the Doctor said, “more likely.”
“What the fuck is a drashig?!?” Screamed Danny worriedly.
“Mostly teeth.” Said The Doctor, unaware of how this made Danny feel a lot worse.
“Well, how is it down there?” Benny asked. “A drashig doesn’t make sense! This place is a buried civilization. And if we take a right…”
Benny took the lead and led them down a complex passageway…
“...We’ll find the capital.” She finished.
And as they turned, they ran into a capital city, underground, buried for generations, but now excavated. Not by Benny. As they turned through, they found a city filled with Rocket Men.
* * *
“Rocket Men!” Screamed The Doctor. “It’s Rocket Men!”
“What the fuck are Rocket men?” Asked Danny.
“Rocket mAaaAan!” The Doctor sang before Benny clamped a hand over her mouth.
“Rocket men are random jet pack pirates. They haven’t been seen for generations, even when I travelled with the Doctor.” Benny said, smartly.
“You travelled with the Doctor?!” Danny asked, incredulously.
“Yes.” Benny said, confused Danny hadn’t realized that.
“You travel with other people?” Danny asked the Doctor.
“Yes, I travel with other people.” The Doctor said to Danny, before turning to Benny. “He always gets mad about that for some reason. So I wipe his memory about it routinely.”
“You WHAT!-” Danny screamed, before the Doctor waved a picture of the silence in front of his face and he forgot about it.
The Rocket Men stomped forward. “WE ARE THE ROCKET MEN.” They said.
“Cool,” said the Doctor. “But you can’t use your jet packs on a planet made of fuel, or it’ll blow up, so you’re basically just men.”
“Men.” Said Benny, rolling her eyes.
“ACTUALLY, WHADDYA MEAN?” Asked The Rocket Men. “FOR THE PAST TWENTY YEARS, WE’VE BEEN BUILDING A ROCKET TO BLAST US OUT OF THIS UNDERGROUND CITY.”
“Wait, how dumb are you?” The Doctor asked. “The place is made of coal! If you set off, the planet goes k-sshhh!”
“WE NEED TO ESCAPE. WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF FOOD.” The Rocket Men said. “WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS PLANET DOESN'T MATTER TO US.”
“Awfully shortsighted of you, blowing up a planet.” The Doctor said. “The Judoon‘ll totally hunt you down, let me tell you!”
“THE JUDOON ARE IRRELEVANT. THIS PLANET IS IRRELEVANT. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO THE ROCKET MEN IS ESCAPE.
AND, OF COURSE, THE DESTRUCTION OF THE SEX ARCHAEOLOGIST COMMONLY KNOWN AS BERNICE SUMMERFIELD FOR MURDERING OUR LEGENDARY CHIEFTAN.”
Benny grinned worriedly.
* * *
Beneath the cavern floor, something rattled.
“Oh, shit.” The Doctor and Benny said simultaneously.
The Doctor turned, and picked up Sacha Dhawan’s Body, putting it over her shoulders. “Run!” she yelled.
Danny began screeching, “Oi, Doc! Who is this chick?”
“I’m Bernice Summerfield, professor of sex and archaeology.” Benny said, as they ran at high speed through the cavern, dodging pointy rock things.
Danny raised his eyebrows before the doctor slapped him.
“Focus. There’s something beneath the surface of this planet, and it’s waking up. And if I have the right idea…it’s gonna be real bad.” The Doctor said.
“What are you thinking, Daleks? A Tomb of Cybermen?”
“No, I’m thinking like a drashig or something,” the Doctor said, “more likely.”
“What the fuck is a drashig?!?” Screamed Danny worriedly.
“Mostly teeth.” Said The Doctor, unaware of how this made Danny feel a lot worse.
“Well, how is it down there?” Benny asked. “A drashig doesn’t make sense! This place is a buried civilization. And if we take a right…”
Benny took the lead and led them down a complex passageway…
“...We’ll find the capital.” She finished.
And as they turned, they ran into a capital city, underground, buried for generations, but now excavated. Not by Benny. As they turned through, they found a city filled with Rocket Men.
* * *
“Rocket Men!” Screamed The Doctor. “It’s Rocket Men!”
“What the fuck are Rocket men?” Asked Danny.
“Rocket mAaaAan!” The Doctor sang before Benny clamped a hand over her mouth.
“Rocket men are random jet pack pirates. They haven’t been seen for generations, even when I travelled with the Doctor.” Benny said, smartly.
“You travelled with the Doctor?!” Danny asked, incredulously.
“Yes.” Benny said, confused Danny hadn’t realized that.
“You travel with other people?” Danny asked the Doctor.
“Yes, I travel with other people.” The Doctor said to Danny, before turning to Benny. “He always gets mad about that for some reason. So I wipe his memory about it routinely.”
“You WHAT!-” Danny screamed, before the Doctor waved a picture of the silence in front of his face and he forgot about it.
The Rocket Men stomped forward. “WE ARE THE ROCKET MEN.” They said.
“Cool,” said the Doctor. “But you can’t use your jet packs on a planet made of fuel, or it’ll blow up, so you’re basically just men.”
“Men.” Said Benny, rolling her eyes.
“ACTUALLY, WHADDYA MEAN?” Asked The Rocket Men. “FOR THE PAST TWENTY YEARS, WE’VE BEEN BUILDING A ROCKET TO BLAST US OUT OF THIS UNDERGROUND CITY.”
“Wait, how dumb are you?” The Doctor asked. “The place is made of coal! If you set off, the planet goes k-sshhh!”
“WE NEED TO ESCAPE. WE ARE RUNNING OUT OF FOOD.” The Rocket Men said. “WHAT HAPPENS TO THIS PLANET DOESN'T MATTER TO US.”
“Awfully shortsighted of you, blowing up a planet.” The Doctor said. “The Judoon‘ll totally hunt you down, let me tell you!”
“THE JUDOON ARE IRRELEVANT. THIS PLANET IS IRRELEVANT. THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO THE ROCKET MEN IS ESCAPE.
AND, OF COURSE, THE DESTRUCTION OF THE SEX ARCHAEOLOGIST COMMONLY KNOWN AS BERNICE SUMMERFIELD FOR MURDERING OUR LEGENDARY CHIEFTAN.”
Benny grinned worriedly.
* * *
The Doctor whispered to Benny. “What’d you do?” “Nothing!” Implored Benny. “He did try and stab me first, so I tore out his eyes and his balls and put his eyes where his balls were and his balls where his eyes were. And then, he...sort of bled to death.”
"Oh. Okay." The Doctor commented. The Master, meanwhile, kicked out of her grasp.
“Ooh! Ha ha!” The Master giggled hysterically, before getting up, and looking at the Doctor sullenly. “You!” He growled, and then he saw Benny. “You!” He pointed at both of them aggressively.
“Me!” Yelled out Danny, trying to be noticed.
“WHO IS THIS INDIVIDUAL YOU ARE ANGRY ABOUT” The Rocket Men grated.
“Ooh, darlings, let me tell you exactly who this beautiful little pile of shit is.” The Master grinned. “That’s the Doctor, she used to be a real arse, and she blew up your home planet! Funny, that. And that, over there, Is a little gal you may have heard of by the name of Bernice.”
The Rocket Men screamed. “AND WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO WE TRUST YOU?”
“Because, dearest, I’m your Master.” He said, wickedly.
“NAME IDENTIFIED. THE MASTER WAS A TIME LORD WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF FIFTEEN THOUSAND ROCKET MEN VESSELS.”
“Shit,” said The Master, before the Rocket Men shot him in the chest.
“NOW, APPREHEND THE PROFESSOR.” Pointed the Rocket Men leader.
The Doctor, Benny and Danny ran.
They eventually escaped the Rocket Men, and hid behind a large scaffolding.
“If the Rocket Men blow up this planet, it’ll take half the near galaxy with it.” The Doctor said. “And now, they have a problem with all of us. The Master, Me, Benny, there’s no one on this planet that the Rocket men don’t hate.”
Danny perked up. “Maybe there’s one!” He said.
“Me!” Yelled out Danny, trying to be noticed.
“WHO IS THIS INDIVIDUAL YOU ARE ANGRY ABOUT” The Rocket Men grated.
“Ooh, darlings, let me tell you exactly who this beautiful little pile of shit is.” The Master grinned. “That’s the Doctor, she used to be a real arse, and she blew up your home planet! Funny, that. And that, over there, Is a little gal you may have heard of by the name of Bernice.”
The Rocket Men screamed. “AND WHO ARE YOU? WHY DO WE TRUST YOU?”
“Because, dearest, I’m your Master.” He said, wickedly.
“NAME IDENTIFIED. THE MASTER WAS A TIME LORD WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF FIFTEEN THOUSAND ROCKET MEN VESSELS.”
“Shit,” said The Master, before the Rocket Men shot him in the chest.
“NOW, APPREHEND THE PROFESSOR.” Pointed the Rocket Men leader.
The Doctor, Benny and Danny ran.
They eventually escaped the Rocket Men, and hid behind a large scaffolding.
“If the Rocket Men blow up this planet, it’ll take half the near galaxy with it.” The Doctor said. “And now, they have a problem with all of us. The Master, Me, Benny, there’s no one on this planet that the Rocket men don’t hate.”
Danny perked up. “Maybe there’s one!” He said.
* * *
Danny walked up to the Rocket men shuttle, wearing a garbage can.
“Greetings, fellow Rocket man!” He said.
“GREETINGS, FELLOW ROCKET MAN!” The other Rocket man said, saluting.
“Orders from the top! Rocket must be deactivated, to prevent explosion of planet! Punishment of death is, um, too low for Bernice Summerfield!” Danny said, improvising.
“OH, OKAY, DUDE.” The Rocket Man said, deactivating the Rocket, and wandering away.
“Yes!” Danny whispered to himself, before taking out the sonic screwdriver, and removing all of the screws on the Rocket, and had it fall apart.
Crisis averted.
Meanwhile, deep in the dark, The Master nursed his wounds. By regenerating.
“Timeless Child, Timeless Child,” he muttered angrily. “This is all her fault. I hate that Doctor, I hate her, I hate her. But if it wasn’t for her, I’d be dead. She’s the best time lord for some reason, isn’t that stupid, isn’t that stupid-”
And then he was gone, and a blonde haired woman stood in his place.
“Well.” The Master muttered. “A new body. At last.”
The Doctor, Benny and Danny wandered back towards the TARDIS.
“That was remarkably clever of you, Danny.” The Doctor said.
“Thank you.” Responded Danny, feeling very sure of himself.
Benny ran up to them. “I just activated an anti fuel sonic thing that’ll let the Rocket Men leave the planet without it blowing up later. Traded it to them in exchange for complete freedom from Rocket Men law. I no longer am a fugitive.” She grinned.
“Wow, that’s very complex.”
“Well, I spent three novels and four audio boxsets doing it.” Benny said. “Anyway, I’m going to activate my vortex manipulator and head on back to the university.”
“Cool!” Said Danny. “Will we ever see you again?”
“Meh.” Muttered Benny, clicking her vortex manipulator. “I’m sure we can have some huge crossover event later down the line…”
But Benny didn’t disappear.
And a very angry Kingsley Telltale stood behind them.
Chapter Six
“Kingsley!” Screamed Benny.
“Who the fuck is Kingsley?” Danny asked.
“Who the fuck is Kingsley?” The Doctor asked.
Kingsley walked towards Benny angrily. “So,” he said. “I go through all this trouble bringing you here, the most dangerous planet probably possible, and you just happen to survive it without a scratch.” Kingsley growled.
“Wait, you’re the main villain?” Benny asked.
“Of course I am.” He growled. “And I set up a Rocket Men encampment here, and you just happen to manage surviving that!”
“Wow.” Benny said. “You really have it in for me.”
“Yes, because you aren’t Benny! You’re a badly characterized fan fiction version of her! And I like the Bernice Summerfield books and won’t have her made fun of.” Kingsley screamed, in the hammiest performance literally ever.
“No, I’m Benny.” Said Benny. "Just an ambiguously canon version of her."
“Fool! Nothing related to Doctor Who is non canon! Didn’t you read the Titan comic issue #4898729! It says everything is canon!”
“That issue is non canon.” Said Benny, shooting Kingsley in the knee with a bow and arrow she had definitely been carrying around for the whole story.
The Doctor and Danny incredulously stepped inside the TARDIS, realized they wanted this to never come up again, and waved around the picture of the Silence before blasting off in the TARDIS, into the yellow night sky.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield
Danny Devito as Danny
Michelle Yeoh as The Master
Sacha Dhawan as The Master
Avery Brooks As Kingsley Telltale
Nicholas Briggs as The Rocket Men
And Introducing Tricia Janine Helfer as the Master
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