NCJDDAS: A Storm Is A’Comin

From A Prompt By Mikey

Part Two of the crossover event, guest starring Martha Jones, Kate and Osgood

Heavily references the Big Finish audio drama, UNIT: Tempest

Chapter One

It was a dark and Stormy night..

Osgood shook in the hospital bed that she’d been confined to for the past three months.
The thunder crashed, and the dark fell around her like a black navy blanket.
Everything had a faint dark look to it, as if shadow had fell on the earth. 

It was Tornado season.
Osgood knew they rarely hit the area she tossed and turned in, but she was nonetheless worried. 

When wasn’t she? 

Not since the Dalek gun blast took out her leg…

She shivered…

Remembering the unfeeling eye of ‘Agnes’ the Dalek shooting her...
anyone else would have died of the residual wound effects long ago. 

But she was Osgood. 

Osgood got up, her nerves too shaken for her to cope any more attempt at sleep,
and grabbed a copy of H.P. Lovecraft off the hospital nightstand.
Why would a place like this, a clinical hospital, for patients of Dalek wounds bother with Lovecraft?
Osgood didn’t think there was much closer to Cthulhu than a Dalek.
Clearly she was unaware of the billions of Eldritch Abominations watching her
and all of humanity at all times, but then again, anyone who becomes aware of those instantly dies. 

Osgood turned a page…

And the shadows creeped around her…

And then there was nothing. 

Martha and Kate sat at the table. 

“Martha Jones, I’d never thought I’d see your face again.” Kate said, cordially.

“Well, I’m currently very un-busy.” Martha commented. 

“UNIT is down. I’m not even sure why you’re calling me.” Kate replied.

“Kate, if there’s one thing I know, it’s that regardless of where they are, what position they’re in,
the Doctor always comes to help his friends.” 

“Yes, it’s a she now, and-?” Kate asked, sternly.

“Well, I may have found something. And I’m not sure. But I know you’re involved,
and the Doctor better be too, the way it’s going.” Martha said, taking a drink out of her flask.
“Have you ever heard of Mother McCracken?” 

The Doctor and Danny dematerialized into a field, and stepped out of the TARDIS.

“Aw, Doc. It ain’t half dark.” Danny muttered, sounding remarkably more characterized than usual.
“And windy.” The Doctor said, gripping her scarf and overcoat quickly.
“The TARDIS usually avoids landing in the middle of activity like this, for the drivers sake.
Somethings going on bad here… otherwise she wouldn’t have taken us.”
The Doctor gritted her teeth. “Wotcha mean?” Danny asked. 

“The TARDIS and I have a special relationship. She takes me where I need to go.” 

“Blimey, you two have like a telepathy bond? Like Deanna Troi and Will Riker?”

“I may need to explain it that way next time I do.” The Doctor said.

“Next time??” Danny asked. 

“What?” The Doctor replied.
“You think you’re the first guy to travel with me? I’m four billion,
and not just from that one episode where Peter Capaldi punches a wall.”

“So, how many of us humans ‘ave you had?” Danny asked.

“Hm. 522 immediately come to mind, but there have been roughly 10,000.”
The Doctor said, to Danny’s surprise. 

“Um, what??” Danny asked. 

The Doctor waved a picture of the silence in front of Danny’s face. 

They continued walking. 

“It sure is windy, doc.” Said Danny. 

“Unnaturally windy, get down!”
Yelled the Doctor, collapsing on the ground, as a gust of wind knocked into Danny
...and he started floating upwards in the air…

Chapter Two

“Well, Oi was Washin’ me dishes in the house, mindin’ me own business,”
Mother McCracken began, “and a gust of ol’ wind went on down ’e chimney.
Hit me on the fanny and knocked me head into the sink. Nearly drowned, I did.
Mind, there was also the business with the alien invasion.
So, I’m ‘ere to petition parliament to outlaw wind.”

“Here, here!” Said a parliament person. 

Mother McCracken was in parliament...trying to outlaw wind.
She had grown very annoyed with it, lately. Yes, this is the plot. You have to accept it. 

“Climate change is a real danger to our ‘ere society and all that.
So, me and me supporters have drawn up plans to create a dome around Britain
givin’ it its own private atmosphere and all that. And thus, we won’t be in danger from any ol bluster.”

Mother McCracken finished. 

“If there’s no wind, there’s no air friction and the wind shear tears us in half.”
Said a (rare) sensible politician. 

“Never mind all that.” Said Mother McCracken
and a strange cloud seemed to be entering the politicians minds…

“Well, I don’t see any problem with it.” They all said simultaneously in a strange stupor. 

Meanwhile, Danny was levitating. This was new for him. 

“What the fuck is going on?!?!” He yelled angrily. 

“This is a particularly ridiculous episode.”
Said The Doctor, scanning him with the sonic screwdriver.
The wind picked up her scarf, and she then began to be strangled,
as well as floating in the air weirdly. 

“ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK” said The Doctor, who was being strangled. 

Danny reached over and removed The Doctor’s scarf and threw it like a lasso to a nearby tree.
They dragged each other in. 

“Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck” said Danny and The Doctor, gasping for breath. 

The wind then picked them up again, along with the tree.

Osgood was in a dark alien ship.
This was not new for her, and she adjusted her glasses calmly.
Strangely, dark alien ships were now one of the eight things that did not scare her,
as she had met some lovely people on dark alien ships.

“Hello!” She called out. 

A giant bloody blob of flesh plopped down from the ceiling and Osgood began to scream. 

And the door in the corner opened. and in Entered, Mother McCracken. 

“Oh, hello dearie. Did you see the blood dripping from the ceiling?
That’s a piece of the last person we killed. Yep, we pin them to the ceiling here.”

“Mother McCracken?” Osgood asked worriedly, confusedly and otherwise in an addled manner. 

“Oh, no. I’m a member of an alien species where every person coincidentally
looks and sounds exactly like Mother McCracken. Mother McCracken is the person who’s globs
just fell from the ceiling.”

Osgood felt faint. 

Chapter Three

The Mother McCracken Alien began talking.
“As you know, Mother McCracken is exceedingly Scottish,
and we sound kind of normal, or even British, so we had to kill her
and all of her close friends so no one asked any questions.
Our evil plan is to replace Mother McCracken, excite the atmosphere with our climate change rays,
although climate change is real, we wouldn’t be able to use our climate change rays to
exacerbate the problem if it wasn’t your fault to begin with,
then as the government gets afraid, purpose a bill to outlaw wind,
which will kill your entire city, and then hypnotize the parliament to vote for it.
Then everyone in Britain will die. We Will then repeat this systematically until the entire world is dead,
and then we will fly in and mine your natural resources.”

“Wow. No one has ever had that plan in a story before.” Osgood said.

“Yeah, we as a species, Mother McCracken aliens are fucking bonkers.
Our main goal is to kill people with convoluted plans that make no sense.
We’re hoping to become recurring villains by the way.”

“Jesus I hope this is a one off-“ muttered Osgood.

“Anyway, let’s pin you to the ceiling and have you bleed out!”
The Mother McCracken Alien said cheerfully. 

Meanwhile, Kate and Martha walked around the hospital, and prepared to check on Osgood. 

“So, you see, if Mother McCracken succeeds, it’ll be the end of the world.” Martha said,
explaining the plot to Kate, without mentioning how it isn’t Mother McCracken
because Kate doesn’t know that.

“That’s funny. Mother McCracken to me seemed harmless and fun.” Said Kate.

“Yeah, she’s a real classic mean British granny.” Martha said.

“British?!? Martha, Mother McCracken is Scottish! It’s an imposter, Martha!”
Kate yelled, angrily. “We need to stop her! Let’s get Osgood.”

As they walked into the room where Osgood was recovering from the Dalek blast,
they noticed Osgood wasn’t there.

“Osgood’s been kidnapped! And probably by aliens!” Kate yelled worriedly. 

“Fuck!” Said Martha, not realizing that she’s a RTD Who character and
legally could not swear even if she had appeared on Torchwood.

Martha and Kate turned, and ran outside the hospital to Kate’s car. 

“I’ll call the Doctor.” Said Kate. “UNIT may be down but the hotline is up!” 

Kate began ringing the Doctor.

And then a gust of wind came by, and launched Kate and Martha’s car into the goddamn ionosphere. 

Chapter Four

In the middle of the air, The Doctor, And Danny were floating, arms crossed angrily. 

“How can we solve this episodes plot if we literally cannot go anywhere because of the wind?”
The Doctor asked.

Kate’s Car Flew up into them. 

Kate, and Martha fell out of the car at the impact, but were now levitating with The Doctor and Danny.

“Wow.” Said Kate, looking at her phone. “Good call service.”

Osgood began running from The Mother McCracken Alien. 

“How do we wrap this up in a few pages-“ she whispered to herself angrily. 

“It’s over for you!” Screamed Fake Mother McCracken,
“you’re gonna die, and you’re gonna decorate my ceiling with your blood!”

“My god, you are messed up for a random alien.” Osgood said.

“Ever hear of the 456? My species is a distant relative.” Mother McCracken fake alien said. 

“No,” said Osgood. 

“Yeah, you’re right, I’m joking.” Said Fake Mother McCracken,
who now got out a shotgun and fired at Osgood aggressively. 

Osgood dodged it by standing behind a conveniently placed turnip. 

Meanwhile, Kate, Martha, Danny and The Doctor floated.

“This is boring.” Said The Doctor.

As the firing continued, Osgood rolled over to a wall panel of the spaceship,
unhooked it, and fiddled with the wires.

Meanwhile, The Doctor, Martha, Danny and Kate fell out of the sky
because Osgood pressed the wrong wire.

They landed in the ocean. 

They somehow did not die. 

“What! You’ve disrupted my ray of climate change!” Screamed The Mother McCracken Alien,
as two more mother McCracken aliens entered. They began talking. 

“You and your fellow workers on this project have been disavowed by the Queen mother McCracken.
You are now an enemy of the Mother McCracken people! Take her away!” 

“NOOOO!” screamed Mother McCracken anticlimactically.

“Well, that was sudden…” muttered Osgood.

The Doctor, Danny, Kate and Martha hobbled over to the TARDIS. 

“I’m never doing that again.” Said Kate.

“Ditto,” cried Martha, wringing her hair.

“Fuck yeah, that was fun, can we do it again, Please please please” said Danny. 

“Only if the next contest prompt happens, and it’s exactly the same.”
Said The Doctor, holding up a sign that said VOTE FOR PLUM PUDDING. 

The Doctor and Danny got into the TARDIS, ready to go, but Danny poked his face out.
“Where’s Osgood?” Asked Danny.

“Who knows?” Asked Kate. 

Osgood walked into the ship cockpit.
Glittering lights, the whole thing reminded her of when she looked inside the airplane cockpit
when she was little.

Well, they were both cockpits. 

Weird word, cockpit. 

Osgood reached, over, and fiddled with the controls. 

Okay, she thought to herself. Just fly this back to Kate.
Fly the ship back to Kate, and it’ll be over. But she noticed something.
A switch. A switch just like the TARDIS controls. Time Travel. 

This ship could Time Travel.

Well, she thought, I could be back in two seconds. No one will know I was gone. 

I could go anywhere. 

She bit her lip, fighting back any rationality she had left in her.

She could meet Tesla, or Harriet Tubman,
or the 1990s pop band We Eat People Alive and Turn them into hats,
most famous for their hit single, Graphic Sex and Violence. Anything was possible. 

Osgood thought to herself carefully on what she was doing,
and then for a moment, split second, the reckless abandon she had never had before
came through and she pulled the lever, and watched as the ship left earth
to jettison through the time vortex.

She was free.

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Danny Devito as Danny

Jemma Redgrave as Kate Stewart

Ingrid Oliver as Osgood

Alexandra Mathie as All of the aliens that look like Mother McCracken (???)

And

Special Guest Starring Freema Agyeman as Martha