(PARODY AMONG US): 7.14 Long Shot
Torchwood Parody Among Us
7.14 Long Shot
Starring Tracy Ann Oberman, Tom Price and Paul Clayton with D'Arcy Carden
Featuring Scarlett Johansson and Ben Mendelsohn
* * *
Work.
It was something Yvonne used to look forward to. She liked the idea of leadership. The values of control. Torchwood was perfect for her.
And then she lost it. Which was embarrassing. Perhaps more than embarrassing. It made her positively livid after all.
Yvonne had to make a conscious effort that day for each step across the pavement on her walk to work. She had previously never really worried about paying rent or anything of the kind. It was beneath someone who was at the top of the food chain. She had always appreciated being grossly overpaid. Money helped with things.
Well, it couldn't buy happiness, but it could buy power. And she was without any of that.
Which is why for the first time in a long while, when a gunshot rang out and a fragment of a bullet landed nearby on the crosswalk, Yvonne discovered she was afraid.
After the ringing in her ears began to numb, and she had found cover behind a trash dumpster, Yvonne began to appreciate the strange sensation. Perhaps this was how other people felt.
What a great equalizer a gun could be - if Yvonne currently had one she could probably quickly deduce the trajectory of the bullet and lay back some covering fire before moving closer to the shooter without them being prepared for it.
However all Yvonne could really think about was the pounding in her chest, the feeling of being frightened for the first time since her last promotion.
Perhaps it hadn't sunk in before now how low she had sunk to.
Oh dear lord, she was a civilian.
Alright, Yvonne. She thought. Think Rationally. You have cover, that's good. Who's nearby? Hmm. Alright, a few other cowering people. A student shot on the pavement being frantically treated by someone with hardly any medical knowledge that could also be shot at any moment- none of these people would end up particularly helpful.
What did she have? She rummaged through her bag.
Well, a knife, driver's license, car keys, wallet, Some psychic lipstick she had picked up from Harkness...and a telephone.
Mentally remembering the adage about a knife in a gun fight, she decided to leave that where it was, and then noted that psychic lipstick really wasn't her thing. So the telephone it was.
She opened the phone and then the 'phone' app. Dialing 999 was perhaps not much of an idea either, the police were either buffoons, racists, or Andy. Okay, contact list.
Yvonne quickly discovered she had six people that had not blocked her calls. Andy, Colchester, Ash, Ng, Tania and Stacy.
Dialing Andy would only bring the police into this - although rest assured they had probably already been signaled. She tried Colchester. Within seconds, she received a notification that "the caller she was attempting to reach is not available right now." Damn it.
Fine. She dared a peak behind the dumpster, and saw one of the bullets so thoughtfully deposited on the pavement about eight inches to the right. She picked it up, and examined the fragments.
...What was she doing? This wasn't important. Focus, Yvonne.
Oh, but her brain's sections were clearly moving at different paces, because then the reason she picked it up registered. It had been fired in an impossible angle.
The shooter, she had noticed, was firing down from the rooftop, and yet the bullet fragments were as if someone had shot it up against a ceiling.
She dialed Stacy.
* * *
"Stacy's wine cellar, we love to complain." Stacy answered the phone sarcastically.
"Stacy, this isn't the time! There's a gun fight on St. Mary's!" Yvonne said intently.
"Gun fight? Yvonne, I-"
"Favor!" Yvonne hissed. "You said you owed me a favor!"
Stacy could hear the gunshots from the other end of the line, and then they gradually began to stop.
"Yvonne?" Stacy asked. "Yvonne??"
* * *
Andy got at the scene rather quickly, but the Sniper, whoever they were, was gone.
And so were most of the people.
"Hello! Hello!" Andy called. "Anyone! Any survivors! I'm Sergeant Andy Davidson, and- Oh, fudge, there isn't anyone here, is there?"
"I'm in the dumpster," A muffled voice said.
"Hello? Sorry, Who is that?"
"It's me, Andy, you idiot! I got in the dumpster!"
"Yvonne??"
The noise of a heavy sigh echoed in the dumpster.
Yeah, it was Yvonne. "Ooh, sorry, I'll help you out!" Worried Andy.
Oh, he'd never hear the end of this.
Stacy chose this moment to arrive at the scene, complete with pink cardigan sweater. "Andy! Hi, I'm looking for Yvonne, do you know where she is?"
* * *
Helped out of the Dumpster, Yvonne dejectedly sat on the pavement, mumbling to herself. Andy began to examine the scene. "You know, uh, Yvonne, Stacy, this crime scene doesn't make much sense. The shape of the bullets upon impact, the illogical trajectories..."
"I'd noted as much," Yvonne grumbled. "Before my dignity was decimated."
"Yeah, uh, sorry about the whole, dumpster thing." Andy said, both concerned for Yvonne's feelings and knowing she'd be completely fine. "But seriously. This is, well, the first thing we've seen in the past, what? month? month and two weeks?"
"A month since Anastasia's apartment was destroyed, then Cherry took over, a week and a half of that, the whole Carl Summers debacle and then another two months of absolutely nothing happening." Stacy stated. "The whole world stopped."
"Are you quite sure those dates are right?"
"Ever since Tania left, time has sort of been a bit wibbily, but mostly right." Stacy said. "Anyway, I'm not sure why you need me here, Yvonne. This is a job for Cherry and Richardson."
Andy sighed. "Cherry and Richardson are AWOL. I haven't seen either of them for a month and a half. Last I checked up on the hub it was empty."
"That doesn't make sense! Cherry dismissed the rest of us so she and Richardson could continue watching the rift, they wouldn't just abandon it..." Stacy said, now frustrated.
"Unless something was seriously wrong." Yvonne stated. "You're right, Andy. This isn't just a run of the mill crime. It's a shooter that can fire incorporeal bullets."
"Incorporeal Bullets?"
"Selectively Incorporeal Bullets. It's how they go through walls, come up at impossible trajectories. The person with this gun can fire and hit anyone in the entire city. It's Committee Technology. They're back."
* * *
Cherry glared at Richardson. "What have you done to me?"
"A little injection. An nanodroid implant in the skull." He said, silkily.
"Nanodroid? Attempting to brainwash me isn't gonna work."
"No, no, Brainwash you? Far from it. I'm preparing to liquidize your intelligence," he said. Cherry had always noticed that Richardson had a bizarre accent that could hardly settle on whether it was British, Australian, German, or whatever it was, but currently he was speaking quietly and clearly, enunciating every word without the tiniest lilt. "You remember my butterfli computing software?"
"Yes, but feel free to monologue to me about it," Cherry said through gritted teeth as Richardson adjusted the wiring on a computer chip with some kind of needle.
"Well, since you asked so politely," Richardson mused. "I worked on it in the rift for a very long time, you know. More advanced than any other technology on the planet, and currently what half of Europe runs it's computers on. Not that they know it. It's a brand designed not to make much noise, but somewhere in every single network, may it not be a computer, but perhaps even just a single terminal in a data center or just a minor little satellite...somewhere along the line, a single very important bit component that initially one would not notice...it runs on my software. In a few hours, I am going to activate the nanofilliments I have hidden inside each of my devices, and the internet, phones, even some government weapons systems, they will all go offline."
"Why are you telling me this?"
"Because I'm putting the same nanofilliment in your skull. I'm going to take out your intelligence for my personal use, (thank you Carl Summers), and I'm going to guide you out onto the street and have your head literally explode."
Cherry shook, trying to get out of the chair.
"Uh, uh, uh, my dear. We wouldn't want me to missapply the Nanofilliment. It might go off early."
"Might be fine with that if it takes half your head with it," Cherry grunted.
"Oh, no, Cherry, my dear, you would never be so self destructive. Now, I'm going to do something very nasty, and it's going to hurt a lot. I want you to beg for me to give you anesthetic."
"You motherfucker."
"Yes, yes, every time." Richardson replied, and got a drill out of the workbench.
* * *
Yvonne moved down the street, with determination. "Andy, the bodies. Who did the sniper shoot?"
"Well, for a second I thought you might actually be the target, really."
"Me? An Innocent McDonalds worker?" Yvonne smirked, and then back to business. "No, this is the Committee. We've established that, no one else is getting incorporeal bullets. The bodies, Andy."
"Oh, oh yeah, Alright then." Andy said, walking over to the troops attempting to bag up two of the bodies. "Susan Richards, bit batty, works in a Nursing Home. I've met her occasionally, right now-"
"Right now she's being considered for City Council."
"You really think the Committee care about that?"
"Andy, when I was with the Committee, I installed half that city council." Yvonne remarked.
"Forget Susan Richards," Stacy said. "Over here."
A bullet from behind at an impossible angle had punctured a middle-aged dark skinned man's chest. "This is Carlos Blackdrake. He's UNIT."
Andy and Yvonne looked at eachother worriedly.
"That man over there is MI5." Stacy pointed. "This is one of the most strategic attacks Torchwood has ever seen. Half this city's defenses were crippled when they were walking to work in one intersection."
"That does beg the question why Yvonne was ignored." Andy remarked.
"Sorry, Andy, unimportant." Stacy said. "It's happening, you guys. This is their big thing, it's their final bid. They're going to take over the world."
* * *
Yvonne felt her phone dial in her pocket. She picked it up. "Hello?"
"Ms. Hartman." The familiar gravelly voice of Mr. Colchester foamed down the line. "You'll never guess who I have waiting for you."
"I'm not in the mood to play guessing games, St. John, there's been a Committee attack." Yvonne said. "And there will be more in hours. They're mobilizing, when we're at our weakest."
"Then you'll be glad to hear I'm coming your way with a friend," Colchester replied. "Hold down the line, stop any further terrorist attacks, and I'll meet you at the Hub."
"None of us have any access to the Hub, Andy and I-"
"I still have a keycard." Stacy said.
"Alright, fine, we'll see you there." Yvonne said, turning off the phone. "Andy. Car." She said, commandingly.
"Yes, Ma'am." Andy said quickly, rushing over to grab the police cruiser.
"What's our next move?"
"Well, isn't it obvious?" Yvonne asked. "We stop the next shooting." She said smugly, getting into the car.
Stacy awkwardly barrelled into the backseat as Andy proceeded to drive like a maniac.
* * *
They sped across Cardiff in the Cruiser, Sirens blazing.
Andy drove like a maniac when he was stressed, and he certainly was. Even Yvonne was on edge. Stacy was subtly downing a drink in the back.
"We're fucking doomed," she said. "Like, seriously. This is. What? The end of the world? The enemy is organized, they have a fucking militia and in a few hours the half of the entire children of Europe will be under their control. What do we have? We fucking shut down when we couldn't pay the water bill."
"Breathe, Stacy." Yvonne said, trying to be supportive.
"Okay, yeah, thanks. Gonna do that." She paused to take a breath, and then immediately turned back. "BUT, REALLY, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?"
"Hope Colchester has it right with his backup. Hopefully we can find Cherry and Richardson at the hub, and maybe the rest of the team."
"Ash, Anastasia and Hunter's apartment is too far for us to get to them."
"Hunter and Anastasia? What is this like for Ash?" Andy asked.
"Andy, the road." Yvonne insisted, and Andy swerved.
As he did so, a man with an old fashioned camera moved the camera up, and snapped a photo. Andy snapped like a ragdoll and fell onto the seat, and the car began to speed out of control.
"The photographers from the library!" Yvonne yelled.
"God! Did they just fucking steal Andy's soul!?" Stacy yelled.
Yvonne didn't respond, as she reached over onto the wheel and tried to position herself so she could drive the car. An incorporeal bullet went flying through the car, luckily failing to connect with anything. Yvonne revved the engine. "Try to move Andy, would you!"
"Okay, yeah, on it! Is that the Sniper?!"
"It's another Sniper." Yvonne hissed. "It would be too easy for there to be just one."
The Car revved, as Stacy with effort moved Andy to the other seat and Yvonne slid into the steering wheel, and slammed the engine to maximum. The car roared like a lion and whizzed down the street, the sounds of Camera's clicking and guns firing in the background.
"Andy! Andy, wake up!" Stacy slapped him. "Come on, wake up!"
"oooh, my head," Andy whimpered...
"Oh, good, they didn't steal your soul!" Stacy said cheerily.
"Not...helping..."
"Sorry."
They slammed the car onto the millenium centre pavement, and crashed into the glass tower as the fire continued.
Yvonne gritted her teeth. "It's starting. The city is at war..."
* * *
Richardson smiled. "Cry Havoc and Let Slip..." He chuckled.
Cherry spat out blood. "You're a real son of a bitch, you know that?"
"Oh, yes, I know. My Mother was a bitch." Richardson laughed. "I have a freudian excuse. Come on, I've made all the adjustments."
"To my skull...with a ...drill..." Cherry snarled. "I'm not moving an inch...I could die..."
"Get up!" Richardson snapped, raising his voice for the first time. "I have something I want to show you."
With struggling effort, she tried to move her legs but found herself incapable.
"Oh well, perhaps a wheelchair is in order," Richardson said, quite calm once more.
* * *
The door swung open, and Cherry was rolled onto the roof of the Cardiff Millenium Centre.
"Best place to hide a Torchwood operative is in an opera house right next to their base." Richardson laughed. "Look out onto the city, Cherry. What do you see?"
"Fire..." Cherry whispered. "You're destroying everything."
"Indeed I am. Wipe the Slate Clean, that's the Committee's motto."
"Actually, we don't have a motto." A smooth voice rang out as Rainn stepped out onto the Balcony.
"Okay, yes, we don't have a motto." Richardson raised his hands in surrender. "But I want you to watch, Cherry. I want you to see this. Rainn, hand me the rifle."
Wordlessly, Rainn handed him the gun.
"You see below? That police cruiser?" He pointed. "Observe." He lowered the rifle.
* * *
The Car slammed again through the architecture as the chaos consumed the streets.
When most people got stressed, Stacy got angry. It was how she worked. She let that anger bubble up in her chest, and nevermind, she was definitely stressed right now.
"You know, no one's EVER given me a gun." Stacy remarked. "I do not know how to do anything right now. I was the tech lady, the coffee lady, at one disgraceful point, the meter maid. I just don't know how I can-"
"Stacy, please be quiet, I don't have any guns right now Anyway." Yvonne said, trying to stay calm as they barrelled through the city's expensive architecture, and slid to a stop in front of the invisible lift.
Stacy rushed out of the car, and Yvonne slumped outwards, trying to carry Andy to the lift. One step. Than another. Than another. Then -
Boom.
Yvonne fell.
* * *
Andy and Yvonne lay there on the lift, slowly descending with Stacy into the original Torchwood hub as the city raged with fire.
"Oh, god. You're bleeding. It's one of those bullet thingies." Andy worried. "You...you saved me!"
Yvonne coughed. "You know, you were right." She said, attempting to apply pressure to her chest. "I should have quit when I was ahead."
"Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't talk like that!" Andy insisted.
"And I was right too. The Day I step away...is the Day...I die..."
"Yvonne..." Andy whimpered.
She stroked his cheek.
"I really loved you, you know."
She bled as they descended into the Hub and the lift grinded to a halt.
Below, Colchester, Ash, Hunter and Anastasia waited. Colchester attempted to say something about him bringing backup, but it was all over.
As the lift hissed, and the doors opened, Andy wailed.
It was over.
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