(Ruinous Time): So You Want To Change Time Illegally

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So You Want To Change Time Illegally

A sudden ringing called out the Doctor’s attention, but she ignored it. She’d been reading up on some absolutely outlandish story about a giant monster who had been helping freedom fighters across planets, and just been about to open the TARDIS door to go find Danny, who was off substituting for the actual Danny Devito, which he did on his off-days. The Doctor wasn’t even quite clear when it’d become a thing for Danny to actually have “off-days”. It felt suspiciously like someone throwing in extra gaps for extra books and “Big Finish” adventures. If she wasn’t careful, she’d end up with extra companions from nowhere--

The phone rung again. Annoyed, the Doctor grabbed it from her pocket and said “Danny, I’m going to pick you up. Get me an autograph.”

“I’m not Danny,” said a Japanese accented voice. She sounded annoyed. “I mean, I am a Dani. But not the one called Danny Devito. Are you the Doctor who looks like Judi Dench?”

“Depends. Who’s asking?” the Doctor.

“Me. I think I was your first companion. I need your help,” said Danni.

“Nice try. My first companion was Danny Devito. Gotta work harder for prank calls, baby!” laughed the Doctor, clicking the phone off. With that, she was done considering that, and she never found out about the book called “So You Want To Change Time Illegally”. Short anthology story, huh?



revert

Just as the Doctor walked out the TARDIS door, a carrier pigeon slammed into her face. It dropped a message into her palm.

“If you help Dani, you get a chance to blow up a lot of stuff!”

“Ahahaha, like that’ll work on me!” said the Doctor.

The pigeon rolled her eyes, and dropped another message. “A LOOOOTTTT OF STUFF!”

Then the pigeon flew away. The phone rung again.

“So?” asked Dani.

“Well, I am a really, really benevolent Doctor,” said the Doctor.

Two minutes later, Danny Devito (the companion) ran through the crowd, looking for the trusted blue box. Apparently not everyone was cleared about the companion Danny substutiting for the actor Danny, then Danny (the companion) got into a fight with Danny (the actor), and somehow that screwed up the Blinovitch effect and the Land of Fiction, so now police officers, the entire cast of Always Sunny (the TV characters, not the actors), and Time Reapers were hunting after him. As he searched for the Doctor, all he could find was a box labeled “Hide {it’s sekur)”.




“What? I can’t fit in there!” said Danny.

Mac from Always Sunny turned the corner and pointed at him. “There’s that dickweed that stole Frank’s real-life fake-life real face! Get him!”

Dee Dee added “We’re gonna sue you for facial intellectual rights! After we kick your behind! You’re such a criminal, criminal!”

“Oh boy...” said Danny Devito (the companion) as a Reaper suddenly launched from the sky and headed straight for him.






Meanwhile:

Water was everywhere. Everyone was on boats. It was the year 1997, where the high rollers of the seas battled against each other for rights over the last drops of soil. Now there wasn’t much goods—everything was about what could be traded, and what could be not be traded might get stolen. In these harsh times, there were rumors of mutant humans with gills--

“Wait. Am I in WATERWORLD? The damn Kevin Costner movie?” said the Doctor. “I’m out.”

“No, you’re not. Not this time,” said Dannii. She wore a red hood, with blue jeans, and her head in a ponytail. “You already tried that. It led to this mess.”

“Wait, how exactly do you know me?” asked the Doctor.

“It’s a long story,” said Dannii.

“Make it quick, this is supposed to be a 4 page story, and we’re already on page 2,” whispered the Doctor.

“Well...”

FLASHBACK TIME

“Ahh!” Said The (pre-Judi Dench) Doctor as the TARDIS crashed. “now, it’s time for my last words: before I regenerate!”

The doctor winced in pain.--

She cried out. “Bollocks!”

Now, what the Dench Doctor remembered afterwards was seeing a Man and the rest of Regenerations, the first ep of njddas. But...what actually happened was--




She cried out. “Bollocks!”

She fell out of her TARDIS, landed on the street, and ran up to the first person who she saw. “Give me your clothes! Who frowned me this face? GIMME YOUR CLOTHES!”

The young lady, a Japanese samurai-in-training, flipped the Doctor onto the grass. “Calm down, please. What’s wrong, lady?”

“What’s wrong? I just died and came back. And I need new clothes!” said the Doctor. She paused. “I think this regen is gonna be a calm, reserved—HAHAHA I can’t even finish that statement in a flashback. Anyway, I’m the Doctor. I think. Your name?”

“My name is Danieru,” she replied, bowing. “And you are a Doctor? My village got attacked recently by a group of metal warriors. People are hurt. Can you help--”

“Sure I can. No trouble!” said the Doctor. She pushed herself up, and fell asleep.

2 days later

The Doctor felt rather proud of herself. Only a couple days, and she’d already foiled her first alien plot. As a Doctor, that wasn’t a bad start. Danieru slowly stumbled up beside her, watching the fires in the distance. Ash marks covered her face.

“You set the village on fire,” said Danieru, trying to stifle her annoyance behind her desire to show respect. It had gotten increasingly difficult the past two days. ”You said it would be a small bonfire.”

“Yes, well, ‘small’ and ‘bonfire’ can get ambiguous at times to be quite honest. But hey, it’s done. Day’s saved. Blame it on post-regen jitters. Wanna do mischief in time and space?”

Danieru sighed. This lady seemed utterly insane. She was no medical Doctor, more like a lady possessed by some spirit of madness. And yet, behind the insanity, there was an honest desire to help. Mostly. And surely this old lady would need help on her adventures…

“I do like mischief,” said Danieru.

The Doctor leaned back, and grinned.






“Okay… huh. Okay. I mean, hell, that’s a definitely a retcon, but okay. What does this have to do with me now?”

“The last thing you did, before you left me on this planet, was drunkenly write a book and then lose it. Ever since then, this place started to change. Water filled the world. Ships have become living spaces. I’ve changed. The ground disappeared--”

“Right, Waterworld. Got it. What’s the issue?” asked the Doctor.




“The issue,” said a voice behind her, “is that this is private property!”

Three flying fishmen with eye-patches jumped onto the wooden platform they were on. They each wore musketeer outfits.

“You are trespassing! The Mariner Empire will have your heads!” snarled a redskinned fishmen, pointing a rapier at the Doctor. “You must give us your valuables immediately.”

“Umm...no,” said the Doctor. “I just got here. I can’t get robbed until at least a couple hours in. Also, why are you dressed like...that?”

“It’s the royal dress of the Mariner Soldiers. Do not blaspheme the royal dress!!!” roared out the blue skinned fishman.

“See, Doctor? This is what I was left to handle,” said Danieru. “It’s been a frustrating three years.”

Three things occurred to the Doctor. One, she had been promised explosions. There was no explosions yet. Two, Danieru honestly talked like her and the Doctor were old friends. The Doctor was starting to think Dani wasn’t lying. And three, those fishmen’s swords looked awfully attractive.

“Soldiers, great ones, this Doctor is here to help the Mariner Empire. I am here to deliver the one with the great knowledge of time, to help the Mariner Empire grow,” said Danieru. The Doctor opened her mouth to complain, but Dani quickly spoke over whatever she was about to say, adding “She will be delighted to assist.”

“Really? In that case...”

2 hours later:

“DEATH TO THE DOCTOR! DEATH TO THE DOCTOR!” screamed out a crowd of fishmen, as the Doctor and Dani were in a net, hanging over a pool of water. Sharkmen underneath snapped their jaws, preparing for the ensuing feast. The Doctor tried to not look at the jaws below, and instead glared at Dani. Dani guiltily shrugged.

“So, any ideas?” asked the Doctor. “I think a brainstorming session is really the proper thing to do, right now. Right now, all my ideas involve throttling you, so I think it’s best if you spit out some alternatives.”

“You haven’t changed a bit. Right now, I think...well, maybe we strike a deal? Mention the Book!” said Dani excitedly.

“Sorry, what book? And why’d you say it with a capital letter?” asked The Doctor.

“Don’t worry. Just get the book. And let’s do it quickly—those sharkmen look hungry.”

“Haa Haa!” called out a loud, booming voice. It was a man wearing a large set of robes, with a fish design on his crown. “The Doctor is finally here. Finally, she can help us to control the flow of time. She will let us decipher the book fully! Or else… she shall DIE!”




“Or else SHE WILL DIE!” cried the crowd.

“Hold on. Absolutely not. Dying is not on my list of stuff to do!” said the Doctor.

“We can make a deal. Maybe get her to give you a quick summary of the book,” Danieru added quickly.

One of the shark men from below stopped smiling maniacally for a moment and said “So, are we gonna eat them, or should we head down to the lunch hall? I’m kinda bored.”

“You delivered a book to me years ago. You told me it could help me rule the world. And it has! But now I need you to decipher the last few pages. Will you?” asked the robed man. “Tip: Saying no will lead to death.”

“Well, I’ve never said no to a little light reading,” said The Doctor.

“Yes. She loves to read,” said Dani.

“Okay, so lunch hall it is. Damnit,” mutterred the shark man.

The Doctor and Dani were dragged onto a plank, with swords in the design of shark fins at their necks. The robed man glared at the two of them, looking at one, then the other. Finally, he produced the book from his robes of his left robe. “Do you remember my name, Doctor?”

“Nope,” said The Doctor. “Frankly, if you’re not the Master or the Daleks, I tend to forget any recurring villains. I, quite honestly, have too many. Maybe I need an organizational chart.”

“My name is… Kehveen Custnaa. I am the leader of this crew. We meet yet again, my dear Doctor,” said Kehveen. “And this will, certainly, not go as easy as the last one. I managed to take this book from you in a game of wits. We played for three months, battling mind-to-mind, trying to suss out each other’s weaknesses. It was the greatest game of tennis in the UNIVERSE!...Wait, what are you doing?”

Dani froze in her tracks. She’d been getting farther away from the sword, and sheepishly said “Just scared of your brilliance, Kehveen.”

Kehveen smiled, and said “As you should be—hey, what are you doing!”

The Doctor was throwing the guards with the swords overboard. She turned around, and said “Your monologue was boring me. So, give me the book, so we can go home.”

“Ah, yes. Doctor, mind if I say one thing to you first--” said Dani, but the Doctor grabbed the book from Kehveen’s hand and started reading from a page.

“’The polar ice caps have melted, covering the Earth with water. Those who survived have adapted to a new world’...huh?” said the Doctor. She frowned. “Weird book...ok, lemme flip a couple pages... ‘They are webbed. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten digits. That's wonderful’--wait. Wait. This isn’t a book to control the future. This is Waterworld.”




Dani started laughing uneasily. “Yes, it does remind one of this water world. Now, Doctor, you will certainly now start going with me to help us strategize on how to use this book… away from the Kehveen...let’s go please...”

“No, I mean,” said the Doctor, not heeding Dani’s desperate expression, “this is literally the script of Waterworld. The movie. The 90s movie made by Kevin Costner, about people living on a water world without land… Are you saying that history was changed to match… Waterworld? Seriously? Kehvee—wait, hahaha! You named yourself after Kevin Costner! Oh boy, that’s--”

“ENOUGH!” snarled Kehveen. “I was assured that Waterworld was the best tale ever!”

“Who told you that?” snorted The Doctor. “I like the movie a lot, and it actually is one of the best ever, but--”

“YOU did! You wrote it!” said Kehveen, his eyes bulging out. “You played me for a fool.”

“No, I think she’s just joking around,” said Dani. “Right, Doctor?”

The Doctor snorted louder. “I’m not gonna lie to protect the feelings of a guy who confused a Kevin Costner movie for a prophecy. Plus, I don’t even remember doing any of this--”

“You don’t remember! I’m your most powerful adversary--”

“Definitely not, bub.”

“--And you don’t even remember me? AHHHHHH!!!” he screamed, his muscles bulging out.

“...I was trying to avoid this. Brace yourself,” said Dani. She grabbed the Doctor and started dragging her away.

“Yeah, you just messed up,” said a sharkman below.

“AHHHHRRRGGHHHHHAHAHA!” continued Kehveen. He started getting taller, and more musclebound. His robes began to blend into his skin, creating red shapes on his skin, which was starting to darken. His feet broke through his shoes, as sharp talons began to form.

“Wait, Dani, I think you left out something important,” said the Doctor, as Kehveen grew into a giant fishman right in front of her. “Like, there’s a lot of questions I have. For example, what the absolute hell is going on?”

“I did try to tell you to not upset him,” hissed Dani.

“Too late now,” said Kehveen, now a nine foot tall fishman, with spikes coming out of his back and shoulders. “Now I eat.”

“Can you swim?” asked Dani to The Doctor.

“Yes—ahhh!” said The Doctor, as she got pushed overboard, with Dani following behind her. And Kehveen quickly followed behind them. The Doctor and Dani swam to shore, or tried to, as 1) there’s no shore on Waterworld, and 2) a giant fishman is probably a better swimmer than most people. So, the Doctor actually ended up a few inches away from Kehveen’s teeth, while Dani had the book, and then Dani yelled “The Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank, having outswam Kehveen’.

--revert--

Actually, the Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank, having outswam Kehveen. This is inexplicable, and for once, the Doctor felt something was off.

“Wow, close call, huh?” said Dani.

“...I was about to die and probably look like Bertie Bassett or Bridget Bardot or something. Something just changed,” said The Doctor. “Smells annoyingly plot-relevant. What just happened?”

“Nothing,” said Dani.

“Uh uh. You told me to say ‘ Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank’, and now we are...” mused the Doctor. “Wait, this is a reality-changing book. Don’t try to deny it”

“...Yes, but it only works if you don’t expect it to work. You bought it cheap from the Celestial Toymaker while you were drunk, and then you and Kehveen added the entire script of Waterworld in it as a joke. It caused the entire history of this planet to shift. And then you left me here. For years.”

“Uh...my bad? Are you sure it was me?” said The Doctor.

“Yes. You said you were bored and were gonna do an ‘8th Dr amnesia moment” and be right back. And I haven’t seen you in years. Kehveen went power-mad in your absence. He went even further, turning everyone into fishpeople...”

“Why didn’t you just get some schmuck who never saw the book work to say “Waterworld sucks, bring the world back to how it was”?”

“Only the original changer can revert a change,” said Dani. “It took me ages to set up a situation where I could use the book to summon you (it involved getting drunk enough to forget what the book did), and to convince Kehveen that he needed you back to fully use the book. Now, let’s fix this place, and let’s go.”

Before the Doctor could respond, a giant hand grabbed the ship they were on, leaning it down, and then a very large version of Kehveen’s fish head came into view. Kehveen was now an extremely giant part-fish, part-man. “Doctor, shouldn’t have gotten me mad...”

“I REALLY do not remember this part of Waterworld,” said the Doctor.

“You may have thrown in some movie called God zilla in the book’s pages too,” said Dani. “We were very dru--

Kehvenn bashed the ship with his fists. The Doctor went flying, but was caught by Dani. She was balanced on the ship, despite the teetering of the surface.




“You left me here, and I am now king. With your defeat, I shall create a new race… the Sea Lords,” said Kehveen.

--revert--

“Yeah, that’s super original. What’s next, the Sealess Child?” called out the Doctor. It was then that the Doctor noticed that there were now several fish-people with hoods on the boat. “Holy crap, he just changed history!”

“What? Sea Lords attack!” cried out Kehveen, as Dani finally got a chance to put her samurai training to use in an utterly awesome battle scene against five cyborg fish-people that we don’t have the space to detail. But it was as cool as a “samurai lady vs five cyborg fish-people” should be.

While Dani was dealing with that, the Doctor was coming up with a three-step plan. She walked up to Kehveen, and said “You’re kind of a loser. My book totally works.”

“Liar. You won’t get me twice!” said Kehveen, slapping The Doctor and sending her into the sea. Good. That was step one.

Step 2: A sharkman moseyed over to her (well, swam moseyingly). He noticed her bleeding a bit, and said “Hmm. Might have to eat you. I missed lunch, after all.”

The Doctor leaned over, and whispered “Cool. Missing lunch really does suck. But first, say ‘The Doctor gets onto the ship that Kehveen’s attacking and has explosives and an RPG, saving Dani from the Sea Lords.’”

“That’s...awfully specific,” said the sharkman. “Is that supposed to do something?”

“No. I just have a really, really specific pre-death wish. Kinda coincidental that it applies here,” said the Doctor, giving her best smile.

“Okay. I’ll, uh, do my best. ‘The Doctor gets on Kehveen who is on the ship and has an explosive, saving the Sea Lords from Dani. And I get a sandwich.’ Heh. Added the last one for myself, since we’re playing fun wishes. Might have fudged up--”




--revert--




Dani’s heart had been pounding incessantly since she saw the Doctor get thrown overboard. She wanted to check on the Doctor, but she’d was currently getting punched by several electric fists from the newly made “Sea Lords”. Dani, unfortunately, was a rusty fighter, and it took all she had to avoid getting beaten to a paste. And then, the Doctor suddenly appeared. On top of Kehveen.

Oh no.

“I have explosives!” cried out the Doctor, grinning like a child with a toy. She was balanced on Kehveen’s back, wriggling haphazardly.

“Be careful!”

“Can’t hear you!” the Doctor said, as she threw the explosive right in front of Dani’s current position. “Whoops! Uh, I--”

Dani somersaulted backwards, missing the blast barely. When she stopped, she could see the Sea Lords rushing straight toward her.

“Oh. Uh. Hey, Kehveen, see those totally awesome explosives and how I got on your back? BAM! Proof that the book works. See?” said The Doctor.

“Hmm, “ said Kehveen. “I suppose it does work. Okay, we’re good.”

“Really?” said The Doctor.

“HELL NO!” he snarled, slamming his entire fists into the boat, and so, for the second time, Dani and the Doctor fell into the water. “I am going to destroy both of you!”

“This is why I hate random retcons!” cried out The Doctor. “Hey, sharkman, mind saying ‘The Doctor and Dani get out safely’?

“Nope. Too busy eating my sandwich.”

As the Doctor cussed out the sharkman, who just shrugged, Dani looked up at the large form of Kehveen. “We were friends once. The Doctor and I always traveled here. You don’t have to do this.”




Kehveen’s hands started to reach for the Doctor. In a split second, Dani realized what she had to do. She closed her eyes, and unleashed the alteration that the Doctor’s changes from the book had given her.

What the Doctor saw next astounded even her.

Dani’s body began to ripple outward, becoming scaly, with feathers ripping out of the skin here and there. Her arms became thicker, more muscular. Her eyes started to turn into a snake’s, and her teeth became sharper. Her hands became talons. Right before The Doctor’s eyes, Dani transformed into a giant bird-reptile humanoid. A final spike jutted out of her body, landing into her hand, as she faced Kehveen.

“What the what?” said The Doctor. “Hold on, did you just become a Godzilla—what the hell did I write in that book?”

The monster-Dani looked down at The Doctor, and winked. Then she and Kehveen started to fight. Kehveen was initially taken aback, and nearly fell into the sea, getting several lashes from her spike-sword. But he somehow found his balance, and landed another blow.




The monster-Dani doubled back, and emitted a loud cry. Several birds appeared, attacking Kehveen, distracting him as Dani grabbed a large piece of wooden debris as a shield, and charged at him again.

“Again, what the hell?” asked The Doctor.

“It’s honestly kinda weird,” agreed the sharkman, who had stuck around to observe.

The two giant monsters kept battling. Finally, Kehveen said “Screw this, I’m out”, and swam away.

“More of my archnemeses should do that,” muttered The Doctor, and then she shrieked as the monster-Dani grabbed her and she was carried away. The monster-Dani flew far into the distance, across miles of sea.

“...I hate retcons,” mutterred The Doctor.

The Doctor woke up on the top of a high platform. It overlooked many of the other ships. In the distance, there was a beautiful expanse of blue, well blue-ish green

Dani was right beside her, a large towel wrapped around her now-naked body. Her pensive expression unnerved The Doctor. Dani slowly turned to look at her, and said “Back in my home planet, there were stories about animal spirits who could turn into people. I suppose, in a way, I’m one of those now…”

“Wait. So, my changes to time let you do this?” asked The Doctor. “That’s...wew, that was a madlad move back there.”

Dani smirked. “And I used to think you were a spirit. But you’re not, aren’t you? You’re just a toddler in an old lady’s body.”

The Doctor crossed her arms. This was turning into a serious story. Not very NCJDDAS-ish. She was starting to feel cross. “Is this going anywhere? I was promised explosions.”

“Which you managed to get, though you nearly exploded me. Which is typical. You always make messes and then expect me to clean it up,” said Dani, throwing the book into The Doctor’s hands. It still looked like an ordinary book from the outside. “And now you don’t even remember me. We spent years together, and you just got blackout drunk one day and completely forgot me. Typical.”

What? Who was this person to just go off and blame the Doctor for something she didn’t even remember? “Typical? Typical? First off, you barely know me. I’m very responsible. I mean usually, but definitely this time. I came. You sent a bird--wait, how’d you send a--who cares, you’re just a retcon, but anyway, yeah, I’m totally responsible. Didn’t we just save the day?”

“Well...the timeline’s still changed. But we’re alive, so...we’ve done well. I suppose,” said Dani. “We just need to find the TARDIS.”

“Yes, and I need to find Danny,” said The Doctor. Dani raised her eyebrows, and The Doctor added “Uh, I have another companion called Danny.”

“Already been replaced,” said Dani. “You move fast.”

“Always do, baby!” said The Doctor, doing finger-guns. She kept doing it, until Dani started to laugh. The Doctor found herself laughing too, and it felt familiar. Like joking with an old friend.

“I take back calling you a toddler. That was mean... ,” said Dani. “Okay, so where did you put the TARDIS?” asked Dani.

The Doctor uneasily looked away, and Dani stopped smiling. “Seriously, you lost the TARDIS again?

“Lay off me! It’s not like I can buy a GPS tracker for it! It’ll turn up eventually,” grumbled The Doctor. “And plus, it’s not like I was expecting this to be a long trip.”

“You need to plan better.”

“Oh, please. This is just an anthology tory--it’s not even plot relevant. Don’t need to pull out all my stops for a simple jaunt. And while you’re busy critiquing my style, I should point out that, again, from my POV, you just showed up,” said The Doctor.

--revert--

“...Where are we?” asked Dani.

“And, on top of that--” continued the Doctor.

“Wait, Doctor, stop!” said Dani.

“--you’re basically not even canon,” said the Doctor. “So lay off!”

“Doctor, don’t--” begged Dani.

--revert--

“Well?” asked The Doctor.

She looked around. She was alone on the platform.

“Dani?” asked The Doctor. She frowned. “Dani, you don’t have to hide from my awesome logic!”

And then it dawned on her.

“Fuck.”

The TARDIS appeared a few minutes later. The Doctor walked in by herself, muttering “Dani is canon” to herself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny ran into the TARDIS, having finally given the slip to the “Always Sunny” crew. He walked in, to see The Doctor had scribbled “Dani is canon!!!” on all of the TARDIS’ walls in sharpie.

“Doctor, I’ve had the craziest day--

“I DON’T CARE YOU SEE I THINK I JUST destroyed my companion except she’s not my companion but i guess she was and now i’m trying to fix it, and because i know i can fix it, i can’t fix it, cause the book doesn’t let u fix it, if u kno u can fix, BUT getting drunk can help EXCEPT THAT I REMEMBER EVEN WHEN I’M DRUNK so now she’s gone forever SO hey how was your day and any ideas or solutions?”

“Oh,” said Danny.

“Yeah, I tried drunk-calling the Dhawan Master for help and he just laughed at me,” said the Doctor. “Hey, Danny, say ‘The Doctor doesn’t remember deleting Danieru, or what the book does’.”

‘The Doctor doesn’t remember deleting Danieru’ .

The Doctor blinked, then said “Why am I holding a book...there’s a note here that says “Say ‘Danieru is cano--’...oh, looks smudged. Eh, who cares?”

“Actually, Doctor, that might be important--”

The Doctor had already thrown the book aside. And that was that…

Until--

In the middle of the story Dark Page...

The Olsen Doctor picked up a random book from the TARDIS floor. “Hmm...Waterworld? I like Waterworld. Danieru is canon? That’s a weird thing to write 200 times…”

“Put my books down please now!” hissed the Dench Doctor. That book felt significant...but why? Her “retcon” sense was blaring, and she suddenly had a happy feeling, but there was no explosions or grievous violence happening. Oh well.

--revert--

A group of sharkmen were having lunch on a balcony, looking over the neverending sea, when a surprised Japanese young lady in a towel appeared in the middle of their brunch circle.

“--Doctor, stop talking, the book’s gonna react” said Dani. She wheeled around, taking a few seconds to realize she was not where she’d been a few minutes ago. And The Doctor was nowhere to be found.

“Um, hi,” said one of the sharkmen. “Aren’t you that girl I saw who turned into a giant bird-lizard two years ago?”

It had taken two years for the Doctor to bring her back? “...Yes, probably. My greatest remorse for interrupting your lunch…”

“No problem. The food’s not that good. Frankly, we’re tired of being forced to eat people by Kehveen...actually, we wanna start a rebellion. And, I know we haven’t met in a while, but turning into a giant monster seems like a helpful skillset.”

“Sam, stop bringing every random stray into our rebellion plan. It’s barely secret now. Our janitor knows!”

“Actually…” said Dani. “I have a feeling I’m not gonna see the Doctor again for a long time. So what the heck. Let’s do a rebellion.”

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Judi Dench as The Doctor

Rinko Kikuchi as Danieru

Bruce Campbell voicing Kehveen Custnaaa

Taika Waititi voicing the Sharkmen

Danny Devito as Danny

An Inexplicable Olsen Doctor Cameo