NCBBDAS: Upload - Part One
NCBBDAS: Upload - Part One
Starring Brenda Blethyn and Linda Hamilton
Previously On Doctor Who...
The Doctor went through a lot of bullcrap but very little of it is relevant! She currently has a stowaway onboard by the name of Sarah Connor, and she's from a completely different franchise, but don't worry, this isn't a cringey crossover fic, it's a shitpost. And it's also a fake robot built by the Time Lords, but we'll gloss over that too. Um. Yeah, that's it.
Chapter One
"Do do do do do dee dee dee," The Doctor hummed to herself as she imput coordinates in the TARDIS databank. She was rather happy to have no overbearing plot threads hanging over her. I mean, consider! A new jumping on point! A new era for newcomers to the series! She was just Doctoring all over the place, all on her lonesome, and -
"WHERE THE FUCK WERE YOU," Yelled Sarah Connor, stepping out of the shadows, carrying a big gun (as one does) "DOCTOR YOU WERE DEAD FOR LIKE A REALLY FRICKING LONG TIME, WHAT'S GOING ON," and suddenly the audience was mired in continuity again.
"What?! I thought that you were still with Lottie and Roman! On...Xerox! What is -"
"I stowed away, like a proper companion archetype," said Sarah Connor.
"You aren't a proper companion, you're legitimately from another franchise! Scoot!" The Doctor insisted.
"I am too!" said Sarah Connor in an irritated voice (Sarah Connor has two moods, irritated, and gun) "I have all the characterization of an 80s action movie hero to lean on!"
"Love, I'm trying to have a blank slate, and relegate all the prior events of my life to at least a mildly distant memory, so if you would please-" The Doctor attempted, but she was interrupted by a shaking.
The TARDIS began to crash. It did that.
* * *
On the planet Zog in the Galaxy of Zok, Zorg was considering his options with some intent. His green blobby proboscises slid across the panels and he continued to input information into the appropriate sections of his automobile permit.
Zorg was trying to learn to drive, but that's not important.
What is important, is that the internet opened up a pop-up on his computer. PLEASE UPGRADE YOUR it said, and then the text went offscreen due to a CSS error. He moved his mouse with his slimy proboscis, and clicked the x in the corner of the ad.
DOWNLOAD NOW
The buttons had switched now, the download button was in the corner now, and the x button was in the opposite corner. Some asshole really wanted to sell stuff to you, he guessed, and he clicked the x again.
He sighed a breath of relax, and then began to open Zoogtube to look up a tutorial.
"THIS VIDEO WAS SPONSORED BY-" The video happily entoned, and then the man paused awkwardly for about ten seconds. "DOWNLOAD IT!" He cheered.
God, this was weird.
He clicked off his computer and walked off.
TEN PERCENT OFF ON- The computer shrieked, as it was deactivated.
The internet was full of weirdos.
Chapter Two
The TARDIS shook, and landed with a thud.
The Doctor groaned, trying to fix her aching back to little avail. "Where are we?" Sarah Connor barked. "Doctor, I demand to be a full-time companion for the minimum of One Series!" She declared with intent.
"Gee, calm down. I dunno where we've buggered off to, poppet, but it certainly ain't Kansas." The Doctor said, trying to remain calm.
"BULLETS." Sarah Connor hollered. " I WILL USE THEM!"
"aw, that's nice," The Doctor attempted, trying to calm her down, but Sarah Connor was already out the TARDIS doors, carrying two heavy assault rifles. "WHERE ARE THE METAL BASTARDS, I'LL BLOW THEM TO KINGDOM COME!" She shrieked.
The Doctor sighed heavily. She was so fucking tired.
* * *
Outside, Sarah found herself in a misty ruin. "Hey, what's going on?!" She asked, confused.
"Some kind of...Quarry." The Doctor noted.
"No, I'm pretty sure it's the End of the Universe. Or a desolate asteroid."
"A quarry." The Doctor decided definitively. She began to walk into the mist. "Well, love? You wanted to come, didn't you?"
Sarah Connor frowned irritably but she walked forward after the Doctor, and they proceeded into the mist.
* * *
Neebler and Leega knelt down in the rubbish of the rocky quarry, holding their rifles close to their chest as the mist flowed in.
"Where are they?" Neebler asked. His face was covered with green muck. This might be because of the radioactive green muck nearby, or it might be just how his species looked. Leega never had the nerve to ask.
Leega's purple hair was tied up into a taut bun so she could see, and her eye blinked intensely.
They were both incredibly frightened. They were cold, and shivering. Lying down in the mud.
"Morning, Chaps!" The Doctor called, walking over.
With a sudden jump, they turned towards her. "WHO ARE YOU!!! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!"
"I'm the Doctor." The Doctor stated.
"Gun!" Sarah Connor cheered, pointing at their guns. She liked guns.
"And that's Sarah." The Doctor pointed out. "Where is this?"
"This is the last Human Colony. Zy Caargus, on the Planet Zog. According to the ancient Zog people, Zy Caargus means Laundromat. It was a repurposed Laundromat. The Draconians evidently bought out all the good colony places." Neebler stated, extending a possibly radioactive hand. "I am Neebler, and this is-!"
"Neebler! We do not know if we can trust them!" Leega insisted, the practical one.
"They are not Drones!" Neebler noted.
"They could be tricks. We've survived so long by not being fooled by the enemy's tricks, Neebler!"
"Wait.." The Doctor said. "Did you say Zy Caargus?"
"Yes."
"OOH! I know about this place! This is... oh, golly, Sarah, we need to get back to the TARDIS."
"What do you mean?" Sarah asked. "What's the problem? Should I shoot these people!"
"No! Sarah, this is one of the first battles of the Cyberwars!"
Chapter Three
"I DO GET TO BLOW UP METAL PEOPLE?" Sarah asked, incredibly intrigued.
"No, because we aren't staying! Sarah, this is one of the most dangerous battles in Human history. The entire colony was wiped out, a 100% mortality rate. Recently a corporation on Zog had released the very first unskippable ad. It psychically forced you to pay attention to the screen. Within days, there were so many ads on computers, that Humans became utterly glued to them. Like, unhealthy amounts. Ah, fuck, it's an anti-technology aesop, but look - soon enough some people started clicking on unsavory ads. Maybe curiosity, maybe they were dimwads and the psychic link was too strong for them, but one by one, they clicked on things they shouldn't, and downloaded update after update, until eventually..."
"What?"
"The computers decided to update them."
[THIS VIDEO WAS SPONSORED BY CYBER: SHADOW LEGENDS!] A Voice in the mist shrieked.
"Run!" The Doctor yelled.
Sarah Connor growled. "No! We shall stand our ground like warriors against Skynet!"
"You're an idiot!" The Doctor groaned. "Come on!"
The Cybermen patrolled out of the mist. [10 PERCENT OFF UPGRADE] One Cyberman shrieked. Another replied [YES THAT DOES MEAN WE BILL YOU. OUR HEALTHCARE IS BASED OFF THE AMERICAN SYSTEM.]
"RUNNNN!!!" The Doctor shrieked, yet again.
[YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH CREDITS FOR THAT. WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY 200 GEMS FOR $1.99?] The Cybermen yelled.
"Neebler, Leega, come on!!" The Doctor yelled, dragging Sarah Connor away from the Cybermen.
Neebler and Leega, not knowing what to do, moved after The Doctor, confusedly, and the Cybermen stomped forward.
* * *
The four of them rushed through the ruins. “Damn! How many Cybermen are there?” Leega snapped.
“That’s not important.” The Doctor said, absentmindedly.
“What? Why?”
“Because if they get to any of us, there will be more.” The Doctor stated, very calmly. “Sarah, Poppet, you still have those guns?”
“Yes?” Sarah answered, defensively.
“Drop them. Drop any bit of technology you have on you, it’s just another way the Cybermen can get to you, to track you. In a digital age, everything is constantly sending out signals. That’s how they get control, once everything’s connected. Your lights, your doors, everything. The more you tie it down, wire it to an intelligence, the more easily the Cybermen will step in. And believe me, they will step in.”
Sarah nodded intently. Now the Doctor was speaking her language.
“Even we don’t understand what’s going on, Doctor.” Neebler stated, “Zog is a planet of non-humanoid creatures. How did the Cybermen convert them?”
“I can only imagine that the Cybermen only get more creative with time. If you cut enough out, and put enough in, even an amorphous blob can be converted into a Cybermen. The longer time goes on, the more access the Cybermen have to human ingenuity, even without emotions. They become determined to convert as much as they can, to not be stopped.” The Doctor said intently. “Never underestimate the Cybermen.”
“Even when they’re silly?”
“I can’t imagine anything more horrifying than having to pay to win a mobile game.” The Doctor noted, walking down the hill.
Chapter Four
The Four of them moved into the fog, slowly. Determined to not be spotted. They could hear the Cybermen marching in the distance.
“What even is the plan though?” Sarah noted.
“Survive.” Leega said, solemnly.
“Actually the plan was to try and activate an EMP to deactivate the Cybermen’s, well, robot bits.”
“Won’t work. By the Cyber-Wars, the Cybermen have edited out any weakness they can to any material. Electrical discharge, gold, even damage to the emotional inhibitor fail. And in some cases can make the Cybermen more dangerous.” The Doctor muttered.
“How do you know all this?”
“Because the Cyber-Wars are something you read up on. Like you humans do to catastrophes. You read about them, again and again, because you’re constantly wondering, ‘gee, how could something like this ever happen? Are people that awful? Really?’ Cos yeah, The Cybermen were made by people.” The Doctor said intently.
Sarah Connor squinted, and took off her sunglasses. Even with her augmented ultraviolet vision she couldn’t see well in the fog at all. “Where’s Neebler gone?”
They looked around but there was only the three of them.
And more stomping of the Cybermen in the distance.
“That’s oddly chilling for this stories’ prior tone...” Sarah Connor noted.
“I’d advise running, but, um, where?” The Doctor strained her eyes in the fog.
Leega scowled. “This is your fault, you made us drop our guns!”
“I’m the one trying to help you, love!” The Doctor said, tersely. “I’d appreciate not having the ill words!”
Sarah Connor traced the ground. “That way.” She said, gruffly. “Least amount of noise.”
The Doctor knew that deep down, the Cybermen could move as silently as they liked, but said nothing, as these particular brand seemed to be rather stompy. The Cybermen saw fear as a strategic advantage they had over humans, and so they had instead of cutting out the loud stomping in the early prototypes, they had made it louder.
As they moved through the mist once more though, Sarah found herself to be proven right, to the Doctor’s surprise.
Sarah had hunted and hidden from creatures like this before. Of course she knew how to... ah, this whole thing was stupid. There was no way The Doctor was going to take Sarah Connor on. Too unstable. Different franchise, different morals. But she had to admit she was starting to be impressed.
* * *
A few miles away from the wastes, there were people in their homes. This was the last neighborhood the Cybermen would come to. Lovely pristine little homes with very nearly cut lawns, identical awnings on their roofs, and identical flowerbeds. In one of these towns, Phillip was making dinner for his family. “Cheryl, announce dinner is ready.” The little white nub on the counter responded with an electronic voice. [Announcing,] it said. But it paused and buffered, and then in every little identical white nub on every identical counter. [Announcing: The Cybermen are coming. Please remain still. You will be converted shortly.] And there were screams from across the neighborhood. “Why? Why? We don’t want to be converted! Please!!” Phillip screamed. [Your houses are identical. Your tastes are identical. Your flowerbeds, your purchases, your little white nubs on your identical counters. We only wish to make you identical. Is this displeasing to you?] And Phillip thought to himself. Well. Not really. And he sat down by his couch, and made a cup of tea, and waited.
* * *
The Doctor, Leega and Sarah crept through the mist...
“How close are we to the TARDIS?” Sarah Connor whispered.
“Close, I can feel it.” The Doctor muttered.
“Something just wriggled over my foot.” Leega growled. “What is this?”
“Oh, me too.” Sarah Connor said intently.
“Cybermats.” The Doctor exclaimed.
[CYBER-ROOMBAS,] the Cyber-Roombas corrected, as they began to swarm out of the earth.
[DON’T FORGET TO LIKE AND SUBSCRIBE!] A Cyber-Roomba intoned, as the Cyber-Roombas began to drag the three of them into the earth...
To Be Continued..
This Story (Hypothetically Starred)
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