NCBBDAS: The Day of the Goat
NCBBDAS: The Day of the Goat
Starring Brenda Blethyn and Linda Hamilton
Featuring John Hurt but he’s a Goat
Note that for the record I actually love Steven Moffat, I'm so sorry, these things have to be done
Chapter One
The TARDIS crashed. It shook, and shook, and careened through the sky like a bat out of hell, and it really couldn’t be bothered to stabilize itself at all. The inside appeared on the outside, and the outside was the upside down inside, inside another TARDIS that was upside up, right over again. Dimensions are tricky like that when you’re falling through dimensions.
“What’s going on?” Sarah Connor screamed as the TARDIS fell.
“We’ve fallen into a charged Vaccum Emboitment!” The Doctor called back, desperately hanging onto the TARDIS console, her floppy hat clinging likewise onto her head with difficulty.
“What’s that?”
“A CVE! A portal between universes created by the Logopolitans! Granted, they’ve gone rather shit since the Logopolitans went ka-blooie! We’re crashing the boundaries of universes!” The Doctor clung onto the TARDIS, and swung the lever. “If I do my best, we won’t fall into a parallel of a parallel universe, those are especially demonic.”
“Where are we going?”
“Hopefully E-Space. I know how to deal with E-Space. Also called Exo-Space. It’s like normal Space but green.”
“That’s a joke, right?”
“…no. It’s really not a joke.” The Doctor said. “Honestly, Sarah, I think after The whole UNIT fiasco, you’d realize how weird parallel universes are.”
“I am a flanderized, unintelligent, and borderline unrecognizable character,” Sarah Connor responded.
The TARDIS ground to a halt, and the Doctor wheezed with relief.
“Where are we?” Sarah Connor asked.
The Doctor turned and checked the scanner. “Oh!” The Doctor yelled aggressively. “Oh my god, it’s G-Space.”
“Uh, so?” Sarah responded. “What does that stand for?”
She opened the TARDIS doors to a crowded London city, modern and streamlined, but every single human in it was a goat.
“Take a wild fecking guess,” The Doctor grumbled irritably.
Chapter Two
"We're in Goat-Space?!"
"It's a theoretical concept!" The Doctor insisted, as if this explained literally anything.
"I'm, sorry. Goat-Space. Literal Goat Space." Sarah Connor sighed. "What." She said sharply, like a statement.
"What's hard about that to get?"
Suddenly, they saw a Barn flying through the sky - carried by a helicopter.
"Wait, what's that?" Sarah Connor asked, perturbed.
The Doctor watched intently as she strained her eyes to find a Goat hanging out of this barn by it's stubby goat legs, as they flew through the sky. It wore a bow-tie. There was a goat with a bow-tie holding onto it for dear life. "Baaaaaaaaa," it vocalized.
The Doctor turned to view the Barn - no - the BARNDIS, be set down by a helicopter into London square. A female goat exited the BARNDIS, wearing a big floppy wig of brown hair, and a big skirt-y thing? Ahead of them stood two more Goats. One wearing a labcoat, glasses, and a big floppy scarf, as well as a wig of a pony-tail, and the other in a dark trenchcoat, a UNIT badge, and a head of blond hair.
"Oh, bloody 'ell." The Doctor swore.
A UNIT Soldier Goat walked up. "BAAAAA!"
"Meeehhhhhh," The Bow-tied Goat said, Saluting, and then stopped saluting, and wondered why he was saluting.
"Baaaa," apologized the UNIT commander Goat, as if saying sorry that we lifted your BARNDIS with a helicopter.
"MEEEHHHhh," responded the Bow-tied goat, surely shrieking about how the Brigadier Lethbridge Stuart Goat should have told this goat when this goat was young that he didn't like being picked up.
"BAABAAAaaaaAA," responded the wig and miniskirt goat, as if to remark that that sounded dumb as hell.
The Kate Stuart Goat now passed a letter to the Eleventh Doctor Goat, saying, "baa, baa," as if to remark that this letter was from Queen Elizabeth the First.
Of course, this is all merely conjecture. They were mostly just saying "Meeehhhh," and chewing on things.
The Doctor and Sarah Connor, hiding behind a corner, "What the fuck," said Sarah Connor. "What the fuck?!"
The Doctor sighed. "Clearly we've gone back in time to the events of when this happened to me, but because this is G-Space, it's nothing but Goats." She ruffled her hair in frustration.
"...Is this the whole story?" Sarah Connor asked. "Surely this would be just a one-scene gag, right?"
* * *
"Baaaaa," said Clara-Goat, walking down the hallways of the under gallery.
"Meeehehhhhhh," replied the Doctor-Goat, as if to say something about how he definitely worked for UNIT and this was totally something he normally did.
They came to in front of an oil painting.
"BA MEHH." The Doctor-Goat murmurred. He was trying to say No More. It lacks the dramatic weight in Goat talk.
"BaaaABbAAa Meehhhh Meeheh," responded Kate Stewart Goat, stating the other name of the painting. Which was coincidentally, BaaaABbAAa Meehhhh Meeheh.
"baaa," The Goat Doctor responded mournfully.
"meehehhhhhehehhheheh,"
"maaaa, hehhhh meehhhh,"
This painting was not from our time and space. It was like a BARNDIS, bigger on the inside, and also full of hay and goat shit.
"Baaaaa," The Goat Doctor said, depressingly. "Baa, baa, baa, baa. Baaa, baa, baa, baa, baa. meeh, mehhhh, meehh baa meehhhh," He drolled.
The screen blurred into the painting as the Goat Doctor finished his monologue, and we transition into the Last Great Goat War.
A Goatlek flew out of the sky, shrieking. "GOATSTERMINATE! GOATSTERMINATE!"
Thousands died, as Goatiffrey burned.
A Goat soldier ran through the ruins, desperately calling for his masters on his goat telephone. "Baaaaaaa, baaaaaa, I repeat, baaaaaaa, baaaaaaa," He intoned desperately.
The fires and rubble flew up around him, an iridescent image of hell itself, as the walls of this formerly great city crumbled.
The soldier was going to die. He thought about his family. His beautiful family. He had fought in this war for so long, against so many opponents. He'd regenerated so many times he wasn't precisely sure how many lives he had left- if he got shot, whether he'd even get up again. The War here was hell. There was no way that the enemy would show mercy. All they wanted to do was kill. If only there was a way that he could possibly -
"Baaaaaaa," said a Goat from behind him, extending a hoof in asking for his gun.
* * *
The unseen Goat began shooting at the brick wall of rubble, carving words into the half broken down wall. Words that summarized his infernal rage at this unceasing hell. Words that struck fear into the hearts of his enemies.
BA MEHH
The Goatlek's descended. "BAAA?????" They asked, in indignation. What could this mean? What could this mean??
The battle damaged BARNDIS crashed into the wall, and thus into the Goatlek's examing it, splitting them in twain.
"BAAA!!" They shrieked in agony.
The War Goat shrieked out into the battlefield. "BA MEHH!!!" And his BARNDIS ascended.
Chapter Three
The War Goat had the moment. This was bad.
"Time Bucks of Goatiffrey, and Goatleks of Ska-Goat. I baaa baaaa, baa mehhh meehhh on you all." The War Goat announced.
He expounded on this further. So long had he waited for this war to end. Seen atrocity after atrocity. But..
BA MEHH.
BA MEHH.
He began his trek across the Goatiffrey desert.
* * *
"Oh my god, what the fuck? I thought we were in the Gallery?" Sarah Connor said, suddenly in the barn of Goatiffrey.
"We're.. We're somehow the focal point, following all of the events of this timeline." The Doctor said. "Or, this Goatline."
"Stop it." Sarah Connor insisted.
"I mean, I'm sorry, luv, I think we're stuck here, me poppet. Just got to. Watch it, I suppose." The Doctor said.
"From a narrative point of view, that is incredibly unsatisfying for us, the main protagonists to be ultimately irrelevant to this plotline." Sarah complained.
"Wow, that's remarkably intelligent of you, Sarah." The Doctor remarked, surprised.
"...I mean, fuck, uh, let's blow up shit! I want to blow up shit!" Sarah corrected herself. "I HAVE NO CHARACTER DEPTH!" She tried to tell herself. But alas, to no avail.
"Oh no, Sarah, you're no longer one-dimensional!" Screamed the Doctor, petrified with horror. "The sheer emotional depth of the Goats are rubbing off on you!"
"What." Sarah Connor intoned, but it was too late. She was a goat.
"MEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH" said Sarah Connor Goat, jumping up and down and shooting guns everywhere.
* * *
"Baaa," said the War Goat, annoyed there was never a big red button.
He had gained the Goat moment, and was going to blow up everything.
The Baaaaaaa-d Wolf appeared, and began to proclaim, "Meehehhhhhh, baaa," to the War Goat.
The War Goat, appalled that the Baaa-d Wolf was sitting on such a dangerous weapon, ushered her out the door, only to find her back within. "Baa," he stated, a feeble guess that she was the Moment itself.
"Baaaaaaaaa," Began the Baaaa-d Wolf. "Meeeehhhhhh Mehhhh Meehhhhhhhhhhh,"
The War Goat nodded solemnly.
The Baaa-d Wolf began making fun of the War Goat.
"BA MEHH." She mocked.
He expressed his dirision with a Goat-like huff.
"BA MEHH," Once again.
This went on for several frankly unintelligible minutes, before the door to the barn swung open and Sarah Connor Goat careened into the wall. "BAA! BAAAA!!" Shrieked Sarah Connor goat loudly, setting off a grenade.
Sarah Connor goat began to headbutt the Baaa-d Wolf repeatedly until it began to fall back in terror.
"BAAA!! BAAA!!!" Shrieked the Baaaa-d Wolf, completely confused as to how a random Goat with a gun could be trashing the technically invisible and all powerful avatar of a sentient weapon.
The War Goat shrieked in terror, shaking his hoofs in the air with much bravado.
"SARAH! GET BACK HERE!!" Yelled the Doctor, rushing in.
Everything stopped, and the three Goats turned to look at this weird lanky pink eldritch abomination wearing far too much clothing.
"MEEEHHHHHH??" said The Baa-d Wolf - (What the Fuck?)
"MEEEHHHH," Responded the Sarah Connor Goat - (It's pink and weird looking oh my god)
"MEEHEHHHHH mAAAAHhh MEEEH MEH MAAH," responded the War Goat - (Never have I seen such a horrific creature in all my voyages through this aether of time and space, truly a monstrocity)
"Hello, lovelies." The Doctor tried, holding out her hands, somewhat cautiously, somewhat in defense.
Suddenly a portal opened, and a fez flew out and bonked her in the head.
The Doctor sighed. "Oh, you have goat to be kidding me."
The Goat's nudged the Fez. Glared at eachother. One attempted to chew on it.
Uproar ensued.
Chapter Four
Meanwhile, the Goat Doctor examined the letter.
A voice over from Goat Queen Elizabeth the 1st proceeded to deliver plot important exposition.
"MEEEHH BAAA MEHHHHH BAAA BAA MEHEHHH H MAAA AB BAAAA MAAAA MEE BEEHEHHHHHHMEEHEHHHHH mAAAAHhh MEEEH MEH MAAH BAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MEEHHHH MEEHHH HHHH MAAAA, MEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHH, BAAA!"
I hope you got that.
* * *
Meanwhile, in England 1562, Queen Elizabeth Goat 1 and David Tennant but he's a Goat were riding a horse. This begets a philosophical conversation on what the heck happened to all the other animals if the Goats are the sentient life forms in this universe. Such as, if it is even moral for Goats to employ similar farm animals onto servitude, and if they can really tell if such creatures are truly unintelligent. For that matter, if there is Goat Queen Elizabeth the 1st, does the rest of history remain unchanged? Is there a Goat Hitler? To this, there is a simple explanation. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Don't-
Queen Elizabeth Goat 1 proposes marriage. "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA"
The Tenth Goat insists that they are a Zygon for wishing to propose marriage. He definitely wants to stay a baaa-chelor.
The Horse is the Zygon. Thus this removes all convoluted worries about Goat Hitler. Do not think about Goat Hitler.
"BAAAAA," screeches the Zygon, because he too is a Goat. Because Goats.
"Ba," The Tenth Goat shrieks, and they turn to run. Or perhaps, gallop.
Then - do I have to write the rabbit scene? I don't have any good jokes for it
Okay, we're cutting the majority of the Zygon plotline I'm so done with this
* * *
There are two Queen Elizabeth 1's, one is a Zygon. There's a portal, and then a fez flies out.
Could you please stop thinking about Goat Hitler right now, I'm trying to tell a story here
* * *
Stop it
* * *
"BAaa,," Said The Goat Doctor in the undergallery.
"Baaaa,, baaa, , , baaa, mehhhh , meehh mah mahhh maaaaaa, meeeehhhh maaa meeeh hhehehh h," said kate stewart the goat.
Osgood Goat got out a tiny goat inhaler and did goat inhaling.
"bAaa,a meeehhhhh , meeeh, baaa, nbeeebebeb baaahh beee mehehhhhhh," replied the Goat Doctor and then he suddenly turned and picked a fez out of a cabinet. He chucked it into the time fissure. He then jumped into the time fissure.
"baaa, baaa, baa, baaa, baa." Clara Goat said.
the audience began to claw out their eyes out of boredom
* * *
"Baa!" Shrieked the 10th Goat as he met the eleventh Goat. they paused for a moment to compare goat horn sizes because steven moffat is a hack
"BAAA BAA BAAA BAAA SANDSHOES BAA BAA BAA," replied the 11th Goat
"BAAA BAABABBA BAAHEHE MEHHEHHEH MEH MAA AMAMAMA MAAAH BEEEHH," insisted the 10th Goat in response.
The Zygon Queen Elizabeth's turned and ran in opposite directions because the script tells them to.
Goat Clara's voice comes through the portal, and the 11th Goat tosses the Fez in it.
"BAAAAAA!" Screamed Clara, desperately attempting relevancy.
Suddenly the War Goat and Sarah Connor Goat jump from out the portal into 1562. "Mehhhh," they scream, fighting tooth and nail for the right to chew the fez.
"MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," Screams the 10th Goat.
"MEEEHHHHHH!"
"mEEHHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEH"
The Doctor (Human) fell out of the portal screaming.
Sarah Connor Goat shrieked. "BAAA, BAAAA BAAAAAAAAAA," (Wait, if we aren't allowed to think about Goat Hitler, what about Goat 9/11?)
The three Goat Doctors began furiously beating Sarah Connor out of her sheer insensitivity.
"Baaa! Baaa!" They swore out of sheer rage.
The Goat Guardian arrived (the Black Guardian but it's a Goat) arrived.
"TIME! TIME IS A GOAT AND IT IS SCREAMING!"
The universe collapsed.
"What." The Doctor said flatly.
"Hi, I'm the Timeless Children but it's done entirely by Goats." said The Timeless Children, before the universe faded into nothingness.
"I really hope this is fixed by the next episode." The Doctor mumbled, as she died horribly.
This Story (Hypothetically) Did Not Star
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