(PARODY AMONG US): 7.16 The Children's War

 

Torchwood Parody Among Us

7.16 The Children's War

Starring Natalia Cordova Buckley, Ian Alexander, D'Arcy Carden, Jason Hughes and Scarlett Johansson

Featuring Tom Price, Paul Clayton, Ben Mendelsohn, Uma Thurman, Lisa Kudrow and Cher

Disclaimer: It's been yet another Two Months since the last episode and this is still continuity violence. I apologize. I am an absolute wreck

* * *

And then the city shook.


Or at least the building did.


"Oh, no." Hunter said, reaching for his gun, as the Torchwood Hub door slid open. An Assassin had gotten in - someone had -


Rainn, and 3 armed Guards, in dangerous black uniforms. Hunter recognized them as "slabs," programmable mercenaries used by criminals across the quadrant.

"Torchwood." Rainn smiled. "The Committee has sentenced you to die."
And then the guards raised their guns and fired.

Sometimes Andy could get really absorbed in his own thoughts during a crisis. As he freaked out a bit on the outside, and his emotions went utterly bloody crazy, his brain could sometimes trail off to whether he left the stove running. This qualified as a crisis, he supposed, the guns firing maniacally at them, him having little more than a series of filing cabinets for cover. And so now he was thinking about Yvonne.

Yvonne always said (well, not always said, it was more of an opinion that she occasionally raised, never exact words) that life was incredibly messy, and she could count the happy endings in her life on one hand. She said that she worked to mitigate damage, rather than contain it utterly. Because she never could, really. Things weren't that simple. You don't just get your happy ending out of nowhere without working your ass off for it. People die. You just need to be sure that isn't you.

Thinking back to this did not help Andy, as Yvonne was currently one of those people that was dead. This was already settled, that way. So, if anything, that only made her more right. This was not going to be a happy ending. 

Oh, bollocks, he hated that. 

The gunfire echoed across the hub like thunder, the ground sparking with the automatic bullets. He was unarmed. So were Stacy and Ash - Hunter was wheezing, his usual debonair attitude of efficiency and efficiency alone being surprisingly nonexistent. With all the gunfire, something had probably shot it. 

"Oh, for god's sake!" Rainn called to the Slabs. "You fucking idiots! Can't you bloody shoot straight?!" 

With this, he realized that they were remarkably lucky (at least for now) at the Slab's ability to aim being something like a Stormtrooper straight out of a Star Wars movie. Rainn berated the Slabs, and took one of their rifles for herself. 

Hunter took this moment to fire back, but Rainn saw him move, and quickly shot him in the shoulder, forcing him behind cover again. Their luck was running out quickly. 

Rainn moved forward towards them. 

Andy could see that she was trained, and she was trained well. Committee Spies were rarely not. 

Hunter signalled to Andy from across the room and slid him the gun, before collapsing. Andy raised it, and loaded it. 

Sweat dripped down his brow. 

The Slabs moved in too, following Rainn's movements. Their inaccuracy with the guns was one things, but they were solid animated leather - incredibly durable. Nothing Torchwood had could take them down. 

Rainn saw him, and he turned to dart behind some other kind of cover. Rainn fired twice, precisely. Once in the leg to make him falter and collapse, and again in the hand to make him drop the gun. 

Shit. Shit, Shit, Shit. 

"HEY! Hey you leather clad bastards, I'm over here!" Stacy yelled, from across the room, tossing a brick at one of the Slabs. She turned and ran into the following room. The dim Slabs moved out of instinct to follow her, all rushing out of the room. Brilliant woman. Stupid woman, she was probably going to die, but brilliant. Well. Then again, He was probably going to die. His eyes went milky and blurred as Rainn moved closer. His leg burned, but oddly it wasn't the part that the bullet hit that hurt, even though he could see his leg was drenched in blood, it was his unharmed calf. He didn't really get that. 

"Sergeant Andy Davison. Torchwood through and through. You've been here since the very beginning. Isn't that something? I'm really going to enjoy this, you know." Rainn smiled, and then corrected herself. "Not because it's personal or anything. I just really enjoy killing people." 

She raised the gun. 

Ash barrelled into her, and then slashed at her with something. Some kind of letter opener? She was a much better fighter than him by any standard, but she was surprised, and he had a remarkably sharp (why were letter openers so hazardous) knife in his hands. It was quick, and then Rainn fell to the floor. 

And then so did Ash. "Oh my god," he whimpered. "I... Oh my god, I've killed her. I've killed someone." Their suit was torn, their usual perfect appearance was disheveled, and they were crying.

Ash was such a bleeding heart, that even the death of a monster was something they couldn't take. 

Andy tried to tell what was going on, but soon his eyes glazed into nothing but dappled white - and he closed them to nothing but black. 

* * * 

Stacy gripped Object One in her hands as she ran. Hunter had given it to her as the firing started. He had whispered something about trust. And well, She couldn't let the Committee get to it. Which of course, was why they chased after her, beyond her insults. She probably could have come up with a better taunt about leather or something, but it didn't matter. Object One was the only thing in the room capable of distracting them. And it clearly was. She nearly tripped and fell, running. She could hear the Slabs entering the room behind her - she had gotten a head start, and dear god, they were fast. The Hub had three exits. The first two were behind her - the door and the invisible lift. She just needed to get to the third.

The Slabs ran towards her - this part of the hub had never truly recovered from the bombing of the 456 incident more than a decade back. Despite everything, they'd still never had the funds. Even when Torchwood had tried to build a hub in the sky with Richardson's help they didn't have the funds. And now that sky hub was ground zero for the invasion. 

"Okay, so, look. I've never been much of a believer. In, well, anything. Beyond my friends, family, and that really good Mexican place across the street from my apartment." Stacy whispered, frantically. "And, of course, I highly doubt that God exists! But I am about to die, and so, I would care to hedge my options right now. So, yeah, if the universe would care to give me a helping hand, just for a bit, you know..." she trailed off. 

Yeah. Wasn't happening at the moment. 

She clambered over some rubble and rebar, ripping her sweater as she climbed. She swore - the rebar had cut into her, bad, but she couldn't stop moving.

Sweaters weren't important compared to her life. Even gashes like that wouldn't kill her. But she would have liked to have had the sweater, and no gashes that deep that started to drip a trail of blood behind her. 

Torchwood. They were so damn unlucky - no one bar Captain Jack Harkness had ever lasted more than twenty years in the job. She was starting to see why. Oh, come on... the Slabs were getting closer and closer. 

There. The third exit - a long covered grate that led into the sewers. She swallowed her pride, and moved the grate, jumping in.

The waters were tangy and stung her cuts - she was going to have so many random infections and diseases after this, but she could still move, and she had to move. 

Oh, what she would give for just a little help. 

And Object One then shook in her hand. 

Well. That was sort of a sign.

* * *

Anastasia and Colchester were going to die. 

It was the sort of problem with making a big bravado filled announcement to a city full of monsters that they were going to get their faces kicked in. You tended to get the attention of the city full of feral monsters. And considering some of these monsters were formerly children, there was also the dilemma of whether you could even fight back. 

So, yeah. Torchwood was getting their asses kicked. 

"Anastasia," Colchester grunted. "I know that we've never exactly been on amazing speaking terms." 

"Yeah -" Anastasia replied, firing into the crowd with her pistols. 

"I've been Torchwood's most rubbish agent of late. And I haven't gotten to truly know you. So forgive me if this is inpersonal. But - if I die, and, well, you survive, you will tell Colin, won't you?" 

Anastasia recognized the name of Colchester's husband and solemnly nodded. "I wish I got to know you, Mister Colchester." She smiled. 

"Well. Let's not get too carried away. We aren't past tense yet." Colchester grunted. "Just - you know."

And she did.

* * *

Cherry had a bomb in her head. Technically, it was supposed to go off if anyone came near her. That was what Richardson promised. Marsha had managed to fix that, though, with a lovely little device called a sonic screwdriver. God, she loved those things.

Now the bomb that could blow up about a mile of city blocks, was simply on a timer. 

Marsha had carried Cherry down from the top of the millenium centre with immense difficulty. Marsha placed her within her car.

"Great. So, bomb in my head." Cherry whimpered. "What are we going to do about that?" 

"Shh." Marsha whispered. "Rest. I'll handle it, darling." She turned the keys in the ignition, and put her foot down. "Sorry if this is a little bumpy."

The Car revved, and moved forward at high speed towards an usual target. "Marsha....you're driving into the crowd of monsters," Cherry whispered. 

"Yes, dear." 

The Car bashed into the crowds of people at maximum speed - and the gore flew. Blood splattered the windscreen, and Marsha clicked on the window wipers.

She pushed the accelerator.

* * *

The crowds of monstrosities - deformed children monsters, the crowds of Committee Agents, the hired gunmen, they surrounded Torchwood. 

The end was nigh. 

"I'm out of bullets," said Anastasia, and Colchester passed her a cartridge. Their combined gunfire kept the creatures and murderers only a few feet back, as the creatures pressed forward.

"I'm still unsure on whether to shoot the children monsters." Colchester grunted. "I've been mostly avoiding them. Which I won't be able to do for much longer, as they are getting increasingly close to murdering us." 

A manhole opened nearby. Out crawled a brutalized Stacy, who collapsed on the Pavement. Anastasia slid towards her. Literally slid onto the ground, firing towards the crowd. 

Stacy handed Anastasia Object One. "Save us." She whispered. 

Anastasia took the object, and grabbed Stacy.

She fired at the crowd. But then she was out of bullets once more - and could only run towards Colchester - who was having similar issues. 

"Perhaps it may be time for a tactical retreat." Colchester noted. 

"I'm having a hard time disagreeing," Anastasia affirmed. 

The Two Slabs - still completely undamaged from their troubles, climbed out of the manhole after them. They raised their guns.

Then a car, someone driving like a bat out of hell, utterly caked in body parts, slammed into them, and then the wall of the Torchwood institute. The slabs were crushed. A cheer of a maniacal woman cried out. "Yay! I missed most the kids!" 

At this point, no criminals and Committee assassins remained. Only the vacuous crowd of monstrous children, bleeding black from their eyes strolled forward. 

Marsha and Cherry moved out of the car. The five of them opened the doors to the Torchwood base and rushed in as the oncoming storm of children were but a few feet away - first Cherry and Marsha, then Colchester and Anastasia - who was grabbed by the foot by one of the children monsters. 

Stacy scrambled on top of it, freeing Anastasia. "Go!" She yelled. 

She was soon torn apart. 

Anastasia screamed, and the doors sealed shut. 

* * * 

They were in the Hub. They all moved elsewhere. Colchester, Marsha, they moved quickly to work. 

Anastasia just stood. Pressing Object One into her hand, gripping it so hard it left marks. It whispered to her.

"There have been deaths. I - I apologize. You of all people know that this is far from what I intended. I was the Committee. Now - I do not know what I am beyond you. Beyond Torchwood."

Anastasia bellowed, enraged with fury. "No! You don't get it! It's not just that people die here, it's not just that, even though it sure fucking is enough! It's not enough that it ruins you, it's not enough that it takes over your life! It's not even that! It's that we never win! When we're all against the wall, when it really matters, we never win! The history of the place is nothing but failure. Good people doing nothing but wrong. Captain John Hart, the 456, the Sorvix, Torchwood may have a death toll, but the worst of it is for those who survive, because there's nothing but hard, bad, choices. I shot down fucking children outside. I didn't want to, but I did. You think about that. Children. What am I going to do next?" Her voice cracked. "What's next in this job, if we live? Will I have to shoot my best friend in the head? My lover? Myself?" 

For the first time in days, Anastasia stopped moving, and collapsed on the wall of the Hub, holding the Object. 

"There's never a happy ending, is there?"

* * *

Marsha placed Cherry on the operating table. "Ash? There's a bomb in her neck. I need you to take it out. You're the only one with enough medical experience."

"Basic Medical Experience. Stacy was the expert on -" Ash paused, seeing the look in Marsha's eyes. "No."

"Yes." Marsha nodded with difficulty. 

Ash didn't know what to say. "She was my best friend." They said quietly. "I'd only just patched up Hunter and Andy. I still don't know whether they're going to live. I killed someone. I can't - I can't even think about that right now, and - and you're saying that my best friend is dead?"

Marsha's face dripped apart, tears rolling down it like anything. "...Y-yess?" She blubbered. 

Ash reached out and held her hand. 

"I- I'll take the bomb out. I'll keep her alive." They whispered. "But..but then I'm done." 

"With what?"

"Torchwood. Cardiff. Everything."

* * * 

Anastasia stepped outside. She walked onto the streets of Cardiff. No more monsters were trying to get in. They watched as she stepped out. She didn't hold a gun. Only Object One. And She looked into the eyes of the monsters. "I want to speak to Richardson," she said. "I have Object One." She said, looking deep into it's eyes. "And I want to speak to Richardson." She said, forcefully. 

The former Child's head tilted in fascination - about a few degrees too far for anything but a corpse. It didn't speak. It wasn't like Object One, where they spoke in thoughts. It was just - wrong. Nothing but an incredible degree of wrong. But then for a brief shimmering moment, Anastasia saw the child in it's eyes. Then the voice.

< WE WILL TAKE YOU TO HIM >

* * *

"Anastasia Rodriquez, what a delight," Richardson grinned. "How are you enjoying this fine day? Welcome to my headquarters!" He gestured broadly.

He had chosen a bistro by the waterfront. A Wide Open, Outside Dining Experience. Everyone in the restaurant was dead - most not even removed from their seats, battered and bloodied. But he had a small, circular table for two. Immaculate. All of the usual fancy restaurant tablewear. He poured a overbrimming glass of wine. 

"Traitorous Bastard." She said, sitting down. 

"Thank you," he replied, waving the bottle of wine. He didn't offer it. Just to be an asshole. "I presume you are here to negotiate terms of surrender? Or perhaps you just missed my lovely face?" 

"I shot a lot of people today. I didn't enjoy any of that. Shooting people is my least favorite thing in the world. I would rather get stabbed than shoot another one of your monsters. And I do mean that seriously." Anastasia said. "I do speak with honesty though, that I would absolutely love nothing more in the universe than to shoot you, again and again, and again and again and again and again until your face is nothing but a literal stain of stupid bloody tiny little matter on this, oddly immaculate carpet." 

Richardson stopped smiling. "But you are here to surrender. If not to offer yourself up to die. Which would be interesting, nay, even fun, but I can't say I expect it."

"I'm here for a special reason." Anastasia replied. 

"Ooh, you're being coy. If this is some weird attempt at flirtiness, I will say that I have absolutely no interest. How to say this... " He paused, trying to think of something. "... you're ugly and I hate you." 

Anastasia didn't raise an eyebrow. "Come on, Richardson. I expect more than this." 

"What?"

"You are the worst. Hold on, that's not an insult. It's me being factual. I just don't know what to call you, a psychopath, a sociopath, a mass murdering mastermind, or an insane freak who gets off on betrayal and murder. You try so hard to be obscene, vile and wicked that after a while, it frankly stops to lend an impression. As I said - you aren't anything. You're just the worst." 

"I'm flattered."

"No, you're not. You just act that way. Because you want to be the worst. No matter how uninspired that makes you." 

Richardson frowned. "Seriously, though. Why did you want to come here, to insult me?" 

Anastasia nodded. "And to end the war." 

Richardson smirked. "Not gonna happen. The process with the children is irreversible."

"The process is most certainly reversible. Every action has it's equal opposite reaction." Anastasia smirked.

"That's a law of motion, not chemistry."

"Ah, but it applies." Anastasia said. "You can't have a mindless army. It's good for taking over at first, No strategy to detect makes for an excellent invasion force, but if you want to keep control - and I know you want to keep control - you need to have a way to reverse the process. Because all you have are barbarians. That's why I came out to ask to see you. It helped prove it - you took control of the child to broadcast what your orders were."

"Oh. So this is a bluff." Richardson replied. "Clever, but futile. Especially since you've come with Object One."

Anastasia rose the object. "Oh. This."

"What do you mean, 'Oh, this?'" Richardson scowled.

"This isn't Object One. It only looks like Object One. Stacy was right. It's really good at getting your attention. Actually, well, This is the explosive that you put in Cherry's neck." Anastasia said, and she reached and grabbed him by the collar. "I'm going to kill you." 

She looked him in the eyes, and she saw fear. 

"That's a mile wide explosive." Richardson blustered. "It's going to take you out with it."

"And your machine for controlling the children. From there your Butterfli network can be dismantled quite easily. I'm not sure where it is, exactly, but, well, very large bomb. I'm sure it will work things out." 

"I - You wouldn't! You would die! Ash talked you down, you don't want to die! It's - It's out of character!"

Anastasia rolled her eyes. "Come on. You don't get it, Richardson." She smirked. "I'm the worst." 

* * *

Boom.

* * *

Two Months Later...

"I'm bad at funerals." Ash sighed.

"It'd be worse if you were good at them." Hunter replied, fixing his bow-tie in the mirror. "Besides. They don't have family. We're the family they had." 

"It's true. It doesn't make it easier." Ash nodded. "What was that, um, Andy said about happy endings?" 

"It's wrong." Hunter said bluntly. 

"I'm sorry?"

"I mean, it's wrong. It's hard to describe, really. Because it wasn't a good ending. Not for the people who died, but hundreds of families got their children back. Hundreds." Hunter said. "It's - it's not a happy ending for Torchwood. But it's wrong when people say there are no happy endings. That there's not hope. For hundreds of families, their children lived. Think about that."

"Not all. There were so many deaths, Hunter, I-"

"Hundreds." Hunter hushed him. He held him close for a moment. 

For perhaps a very long time indeed.

They walked into the service.

* * * 

After.

Cherry Classified and Marsha Classified picked up the pieces as best as they could. Cherry was never quite sure of her own leadership abilities again after Torchwood. Marsha ended up taking up the reins of a charity company for the children of Cardiff. They stayed together, no matter what, but it was never the same - Cherry suffering for quite some time at her memories of the trauma Richardson put her through. In many ways blaming herself. Marsha called for help online for any Torchwood survivors' tips to move on. A certain Gwen Cooper arrived to assist them, and Cherry slowly but surely began to heal. Eventually, a blue box reappeared on her doorstep. But that's another story.

After. 

Mr. Colchester stayed on at Torchwood, as he must. The years moved by, and he was all the same. Time after time, crisis after crisis, Mr. Colchester remained. Formerly, Torchwood workers never lived more than twenty years in the job. (Captain Jack Harkness exluded.) Mr. Colchester more than doubled this, setting a record for many years to come. Some are unsure of whether he ever left - perhaps he is still there. 

After. 

Andy Davison survived the gunshot wounds and had a remarkable recovery. He served with Torchwood for a while, finding it difficult to cope with after Yvonne's departure. Leaving Torchwood, he returned to the police service, but eventually found the career unfulfilling. Returning to the outside world, he wandered for quite some time, finding himself ultimately at Bannerman road, where he met a woman named Jo Grant, and her friend, Investigative Journalist Rani Chandra.

After. 

Stacy Kingston's body was found by a glass probe of the alien apparatus known as Testimony. Unwanting of life beyond death, she declined for her conciousness to be stored in Testimony. There her memories remain.

After. 

Anastasia Rodriquez's family were distraught to hear of her death. With their support, Torchwood operatives later dedicated a statue in Cardiff Park to her memory. Hundreds of years later, she is still remembered as one of Torchwood's finest operatives, and a unit in the Torchwood Archive is named in her honor. 

After. 

Yvonne Hartman's funeral service was attended by every Torchwood related operative or former friend of the organization alive. Her utilization of amoral methods for the benefit of Torchwood's survival was later condemned by Historians. The Hartman family line lived on elsewhere, eventually reaching far and wide - hundreds of years later the Director of the Space Security Service was a Hartman. The family line ultimately ended on the Planet Mondas. 

After.

Ash and Hunter left Torchwood in the following few days. Ash needed to follow his own path and move on. Hunter tried to follow him. They dated on and off for a few years, unsure of where to go, and what to do. Hunter, sure of good in the world for the first time in his life, and Ash all the more dissuaded of it. Their future is undocumented and uncertain. 

After. 

Object One remains. Object One rests in Torchwood. Object One stays, and Object One persists.  Object One is made an operative of Torchwood, and it never leaves. Thanks to the efforts of Richardson, it never holds a humanoid form again. But it stays. Somewhere in the dust, no matter where, no matter when, wherever Torchwood rests, it waits in a drawer or a cupboard, or a special container. It longs to be picked up. It longs to speak. There it waits.

Forever.

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Natalia Cordova Buckley as Anastasia Rodriquez

Ian Alexander as Ash

D'Arcy Carden as Stacy Kingston 

Jason Hughes as Brayden Hunter

Scarlett Johansson as Cherry Classified

Tom Price as Andy Davison

with

Ben Mendelsohn as Tom Richardson

Paul Clayton as Mr. Colchester 

Lisa Kudrow as Marsha Classified

Uma Thurman as Rainn Foreman

Cher as Object One