Halloween Special: The Walking Dench
Halloween Special: The Walking Dench
Chapter One
-- Hello - c c can you hear me * *
- * - This is Trinity - - Wells
- They're everywhere t hey're everywhere they 're *
-- If you can hear - me - then it's already too late. **
- No one is coming -- - * *
* * - - N o one C ccan stop them - -
- -
* * *
Most Zombie Apocalypses fail because Zombies are inherently walking dead creatures and have next to no brain cells. They are usually very slow, and if they are fast, they for some reason lose all form of durability that the slow ones had for no apparent reason. This is the inverse law of Zombies, because although all of humanity has collapsed to the zombie plague, the protagonists need to be able to escape long enough to tell a story. The invincible villain is an impossibility in media.
Most Zombie Apocalypses are less scary than Cybermen or Borg apocalypses, because the relentless hive mind villain is a lot more intimidating when it can fucking think.
I mean, think about it. Zombies that can actually think. If the Zombies have braincells, or even retain their braincells, and can expand like normal zombies, but with, like, strategy, well then, um, the universe is about to be dicked in the ass without lube.
This is an imaginary story. The events are not canon to the Doctor Who world
But then again ... everything is canon.
I'm pretty sure an author from the VNAs or something said so.
* * *
The TARDIS landed, and Danny got out. "Hey, Doctor, look, it's Houston!" He said, happily.
The Doctor got out after him, her wispy hair blowing in the wind. "No, um, Danny, I'm pretty sure it's Chernobyl."
The rubble and collapsed buildings around them made their point for a moment.
Danny paused.
"...Well, I mean, you can see how I was confused."
A Rat glowing bright green ran over the rubble.
"Seriously, Danny. This doesn't look like Houston." The Doctor rolled her eyes. "It looks like Seattle."
Danny nodded in agreement.
"Anyway, we may as well stay. Get some nice selfies of the rubble. Make insensitive comments on Twitter about the chernobyl disaster." The Doctor considered.
Danny made a confused face. "Doctor, what?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry, Danny, I, um, well, I want to get cancelled." She said.
Danny made another confused face.
"I mean, I've done everything else!" She insisted. "At this point, the next story featuring me will be 'The Dench Doctor goes and does minigolf!'"
"This is a one and done Halloween Special, Doctor. You aren't coming back for a Seventh series."
"I will shave your fucking skin off if you cross me again Danny," The Doctor said, absentmindedly, posing for her Chernobyl selfies.
A rat jumped up and bit her on the shoulder.
"Oh!" She said happily. "I have a sudden urge to eat people alive!" She smiled.
"...Really?" Danny asked, confused.
"Yeah, let's go, like, conquer the universe, Danny. Let's eat people. Come on."
Chapter Two
Six Days Later
"FUCK," said Adelaide Brook, "it's the zombie apocalypse!!"
"Oh no!!" said Alonzo Frame, agreeing. "It's the zombie apocalypse!!"
"Brainsssss,," said the Dench Doctor, for the meme, and then jumped into them and ate them alive.
If you're suddenly discombobulated by the time jump and the Russell T Davies characters, allow me to inform you of everything the Dench Doctor did in those six days, in a single paragraph.
The Dench Doctor, upon returning to the TARDIS, drank a lot of alcohol and vomited into the heart of the TARDIS after she tripped over her new pet Chernobyl Rat, "Cherny." The Zombie Vomit entered the link to the eye of harmony at the heart of the TARDIS and made everything the world from the Wedding of River Song. You know. with pyramids and winston churchill and the silurians and everything and stuff. It's so we can have a zombie apocalypse but not worry about differing time periods. And then the Doctor went and systematically zombified the people who would have the most strategic value in zombie domination in order, adding to the zombie ranks, Davros, Julius Caesar, Rassilon and Jamie Lee Curtis. The world collapsed in the following six days as the time lords, Daleks, roman empire, and hollywood were all assimilated into the zombie ranks, and then began to conquer their neighbors including fucking everyone and there you go, now you're caught up wasn't that nice and simple
Currently, a resistance attempts to stop the zombie apocalypse. It's not going well.
"Um, Doctor?" Danny asked. "Why are we doing this again?"
"Brains," said the Dench Doctor again. She wasn't being a dumb mindless zombie, she was still just as smart, she just really enjoyed the comedic value of saying the word brains and then eating people's brains.
She hadn't eaten Danny yet because he tasted of sauerkraut and she really couldn't handle that right now thanks
"Seriously," he said. "Why. Why are we doing this? It's been six days, Doctor. I thought this was going to be like a funny cutaway gag where we eat people because it's funny or something. It is no longer funny, it has been six days, and I hate that you're trying to make me eat people's spleens. I hate spleen. It tastes really bad. I'm not even a zombie here. like. why."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "Look? Danny, I - I'm like sorry to tell you here, human is really delicious, like, right now at the moment? Like, I'm sorry if you're not into that because I didn't zombify you, and you haven't been entertained by my very intellectual humor because I haven't said anything but the word 'brains' for the past half an hour, but I assure you. This. This is peak Dench Doctor right here. I'm like really enjoying this. So please don't rain on my shit here."
"...I'm going to go raid a gamestop. Society's collapsed, I bet I can raid a gamestop and get a lot of good games." Danny said, walking off.
"yeah, sure, whatever. While you're there, if there are any copies of call of duty zombies, please burn them. you know. for like, personal reasons."
* * *
Danny entered the Gamestop.
"Hello??" He called. "I'm looking for free video games because of societies' collapse??"
He walked in, examining the room. It was a very ordinary room. There were gamestop games on the gamestop walls. There was no one at the gamestop counter. The cash register was open, and there was some blood smeared onto the tabletop. There was a lady in the corner aiming a crossbow at him.
"HEY!" Screamed the lady. "STOP RIGHT THERE!!"
Because the lady had the crossbow, Danny politely raised his hands. "Um, hello? Who is it?"
"I'm Mary Shelley!!" Answered Mary Shelley, badass enough to survive a zombie apocalypse as usual. "Who are you? You aren't a zombie, and you aren't wearing post apocalyptic chic."
"Oh, yeah. Uh, hi, I'm Danny. I, um. Don't have any of that. You can have my credit card if you like."
"It's the apocalypse."
"I'm sure citizen's bank is still running or something."
"It's not." Mary Shelley said, rubbing her temples with exhaustion.
Danny's eyebrows shot upwards out of surprise and horror. "OH NO!!" He screamed.
"I'm...I'm sorry?"
"I ... I really like Citizen's Bank. They give me lollipops when I get a withdrawal." Danny said impishly.
"Corporate Shill." Mary snarked. The fact that this was an alternate timeline clearly meant that Mary Shelley was up to date on modern slang. She rolled her eyes, irritated. The original Goth. "Well, you may as well meet the resistance. We're in the back."
"Oh. Good." Danny said amiably, and Mary led him towards the rear of the store. He was Danny, so he had trouble finding his way across a ten by ten room.
* * *
"Behold -" snarked Mary, "The resistance!"
Before him sat a variety of misfits. Four in total.
Henry Gordon Jago, Theatrical Impresario, and Investigator of Infernal Incidents, was worriedly twiddling his thumbs. His suit was torn, and his eyebrows were sullen and bushy.
Melanie Bush. The fiery young ditz of a woman was surprisingly used to the field of battle. She held a bomber jacket with the word ACE printed on the back. Danny did not know it's significance.
Margaret Slitheen. A stout middleaged woman. Part of their skinsuit had fallen apart and out of it stuck a massive green claw.
Courtney Woods. A small girl. She carried a sawed off shotgun.
"Hi!" said Danny. "I was wondering if we could reclaim citizen's bank from the zombie apocalypse. They give out lollipops." He said, winking at Courtney.
"...Is this an ad?" Mel asked.
Chapter Three
"Do you not understand what's going on here, Mister Devito?" Blon Fel-Fotch Passameer Day Slitheen asked. "We are in London, one of the most concentrated locations of population in the world, and as such, one of the most concentrated locations of Zombie. They're smart. They have the intelligence of ...The Doctor." She sighed. "As much as I hate to admit it, we're out of our depth. In my culture children are thrown into a pit when they're born."
"Oh! And they have to fight to survive, like Spartans?"
"No. They're then incinerated. Raxicoricofallipitorious has an overpopulation issue. I tore myself out of the incineration chamber, and fought as a child for the right to exist in society. I bit and punched and clawed and kicked my way into a member of the Slitheen family. That was nothing compared to what we face today. In the face of this, an incineration chamber seems downright hopeful."
"Okay!" Danny said, smiling.
"...Did you not listen to a word I said? We're doomed, Mr. Devito. We're going to die and then we won't even have that luxury. Do you understand what I'm trying to say, you little twit? WE'RE HIDING IN A GAMESTOP!!!"
Danny paused. "...Yeah, uh, who's idea was that?"
"Courtney's. But that's not the point. This cheerful attitude you have isn't going to cut it. This isn't some wacky joke, this is an apocalypse."
"Yeah, dope." Danny agreed. "...Uh, once again, I am wondering why a Gamestop exactly."
"Smart Zombies." Courtney said. "They'll assume we're going to pick a defensible location like a bunker or a gun store. Those fell instantaneously. An idiotic location for defense like this one was completely overlooked, and plus, any looters who came by joined the resistance."
"I was looking for computer chips, not games, actually." Mel noted.
"Perchance, might we purloin a pacification for these postmortem pains?" Henry Gordon Jago asked.
They all stared at him for fortyfive seconds.
"I'm saying we should take the battle to the dead, infernal things." Jago repeated. "The pernicious padres with the palate for our pelts!!"
"There is a slight issue with all this." Danny mentioned quietly. "...Um, the Doctor knows I'm at Gamestop."
They all glared at him. "WHAT THE FUCK, DANNY," yelled Mary Shelley.
* * *
Courtney swung open the front door to the gamestop. "Come on!!" She insisted.
They exited through the front door, because knowing the Doctor's intelligence, the Zombies were probably trying to sneak in through the back.
"Are we really trying to defeat these zombies with unintelligence?" Mel whispered. "I mean, honestly."
"If so, we may have encountered the most useful man in the universe." Margaret Slitheen mentioned, gesturing to Danny with her claw arm.
The six of them began their approach down the street.
"Oh, bally sorry to interrupt, ladies and, achem, Danny, but, um, apologies, where exactly are we going?" Jago asked.
"Citizen's Bank." Answered Mary Shelley. "It's the dumbest idea, so it's going to work."
"They have lollipops there, " Danny added. "They give them out if you're nice and quiet while Mommy and Daddy fill out the paperwork."
"I shall endeavor to keep that in mind," Margaret snarked as they moved down the street.
* * *
Rounding the corner, they saw their first zombie. It was a blonde haired woman - or once had been, wearing a torn and bloodied hoodie.
"...Oh. Isn't that the girl that the Doctor travelled with?? Um, name with a flower. Really annoying." Margaret asked.
"Rose?" Mel suggested.
"Yeah, probably. Something pretentious like that."
Rose the Zombie moved, but she did not limber towards them, she moved with intense speed.
"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK SHIT," screamed Courtney Woods as She fired her shotgun repeatedly at Rose the Zombie, but it was to no avail. Rose the Zombie grabbed Courtney, and began to tear apart her skull with furious rage.
"Holy shit they're killing a kid!!" Screamed Danny.
"NO ONE IS SAFEEEEE!!!" Screamed Mel,
"AAARRGRGRGRGRRGRGHHHHHHH I AM CONCIOUS THE ENTIRE TIME AAAHHHHH!!" Screamed Courtney as her brain was torn out and devoured. Ketchup like blood spewed across all of their faces.
...
"Oh, corks." Jago added, and they turned to run.
Chapter Four
The five of them turned, down the street, running. Their feet stamped the ground, which felt to them as fleeting and inperminent as life itself was in this apocalypse. The ground would likely have felt much more permanent to them if they had stopped running, but then Donna Noble the Zombie would have caught up to them.
Donna Noble the Zombie was screaming about how she was the best Zombie temp in Chiswick, at "100 brains a minute," and they got the impression that despite the comedic nature of this sentence, the fact that someone could eat one hundred people alive in a minute might be one of the most terrifying things ever.
So they ran.
Donna Noble the Zombie was not however, the fastest Zombie temp in Chiswick, and so they managed to slide into a McDonalds, slamming the door shut on top of her. "Rarrrgh, Am I bovvered," screamed Donna Noble the Zombie.
"Oh my god," blubbered Mel, catching her breath. "That was... insane."
"I have seen things no mortal man should see." Agreed Jago.
They all took a moment to mourn for Courtney.
Following this, her face appeared pressed on the glass window. Boned and fraying skin, a massive hole out of her head where it was devoured.
She yelled furiously.
The five of them sidled over to the following room.
* * *
"Far be it from me to seem heartless." Noted Mary Shelley, "But there is little chance of survival if we do not move on, and quickly be it too."
"Such a young lass," Jago mused tearfully.
Margaret moved to work, her brow stern. "I'm going to metabolize the Ice Cream Machine. We may as well, the thing's never worked."
"No, no," Mel groaned. "We can't do that!! These creatures are intelligent, and they have the largest force of an army on the planet! Hell, they are the planet. They know where we are. We need out of here too, and we cannot waste time."
"I thought your character only screamed and did nothing?" Danny asked, confused.
"That was before Big Finish. Currently, I am the most badass character in all of Doctor Who. I shoot a fucking Silurian in The Silurian Candidate. I punched out the Valeyard in He Jests At Scars. In the Juggernauts, I make Davros my bitch!!" Mel stated. "I am motherfucking Melanie Bush, and I am the coolest. So listen to me, won't you? We need to get out! The enemy has strategy, and we need to have some too."
"Very well then." Margaret responded. "Danny, what's your dumbest idea!!"
"We all take a shit on the floor." Danny said.
"No, god, as a dumb person, what is your strategy?? How can we die the fastest, how about that?"
Danny mused. "We could go to the London Graveyards before we go to Citizen's Bank."
"Brilliant - no Zombies there." Margaret said sarcastically.
"No, no, the plan might very well work, I think the chap's gone and got it!" Jago exclaimed. "Surely there can't be many zombies at the graveyard? These are strategic fellows, are they not? Surely they should be elsewhere!! The malicious murderers may not have mapped that into their machinations!"
"There's stupid and there's suicidal." Margaret snapped.
Mary Shelley nodded. "Actually with the sociopath on this one."
"Then Melanie here has the deciding vote!" Jago exclaimed. "So, what shall it be?"
"...Sewer System," answered Mel, having torn off a bit of McDonald's tiling and found a sewer grate beneath it where the parking lot once was.
Chapter Five
"I do try to be less of a snob these days, you know." Mary noted. "It is ever so unbecoming. I do my best to act as befitting a lady in these modern times. The gothic aesthetic, if you will."
They traipsed through the sewers, which were as sewers often were, wet, and dark, and green and grimy and filled with shit.
"But this fucking sucks," Mary finished. "My dress is never going to recover."
"I love it," Margaret said, in contrast, wading through the shitfilled waters with a degree of elegance. She managed to be the neatest of them, somehow, despite her entire right arm being a massive claw. "I find it suits me quite well."
"Suits you, perhaps." Jago agreed. "But not us!"
"Stop complaining," Mel stated. "This way should take us right to the street for Citizen's Bank."
"I still don't understand why we're going to Citizen's Bank. I don't believe this is an adver-tis-ment. Why the constant parading of Citizen's Bank? It feels slightly disingenuous, must say." Jago remarked.
"Look, I'm just trying to - - EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" Screamed Mel, as she was torn in half by a zombie resembling Harriet Jones.
"Harriet Jones, Zombie, Flydale North." Harriet Jones the Zombie stated.
Danny screamed. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
they all, including Harriet Zombie, looked at him.
"Sorry. It's just. Mel's dead. Someone has to do the screaming."
* * *
The quartet ran back down the sewers. "Tactical Retreat! Tactical Retreat, I say!" Jago thundered.
Danny grabbed Mel's watersoaked tommy gun off the floor, and fired wildly back in the direction of Zombie Mel and Zombie Harriet.
They just kind of flinched a bit, and it didn't impede their speed much. Margaret turned and slashed at them viscerally with her claw, which bought them about five seconds.
"Oh, oh, Golly!!" Jago shrieked emotively. "The pestilent pugilists are planning to paddle us!!"
"We aren't going to get out of these sewers -" Mary swore. "It's like some admittedly intriguing horror concept."
She fired her crossbow at them, but the only difference was aesthetic. Their peeling skin held firm against all injury as they shuffled forward.
"This is because we didn't go to the graveyard!!!" Danny whined.
They reached a junction, and down one direction came stomping Zombie Trinity Wells. "Hey! Remember me from the opening paragraph?? Haha, they totally got me!! Haha," She shrieked.
"Oh, Bejabbers!!" Jago moaned. "We've been blockaded by these babbling blaggards!"
"The Zombies can kill him first, I'm really sick of him," mumbled Margaret.
Danny led them down the other path in the junction, and they rambled at great speed across the sewers.
They reached a ladder, and they began to climb. Danny reached the top, and shoved off the manhole, stepping out into the street. He extended a hand, which Mary took, quickly followed by Jago.
As Margaret reached the halfway rung of the ladder, Zombie Harriet Jones grabbed her foot.
And then she was dragged into the crowd, and bright blue slitheen blood spewed into the sky. Danny, flinching, placed the manhole cover back on as her screams rang out - and then silent.
They paused. Unsure of what to do.
"Citizen's Bank." Mary said. "We got out right next to Citizen's Bank. What are the odds?"
"Bally likely considering my infallible sense of direction," Jago commented boisterously, and then he paused. "Oh, I'm sorry! I - I can't. I'm trying, but I .. I can't keep a jolly straight face, I'm- I'm... I'm not sure I can go on like this. So many friends have died. So many..."
Mary placed a protective hand on his shoulder. "We're fine. We'll be safe there - at least for now."
They wedged a bit of wood into the door and brought it open. They stepped inside, slowly.
"HEY! HEY GUYS!!" said the Doctor, her head decomposing. "Would you believe they have free lollipops in here?! This place is great!!"
Chapter Six
"...You ... You were here the entire time."
"Well, I factored into my plan the idea that you would buy into Danny's stupidity as a method of escape. As such, I let Danny's plans consistently work up until a point. Though I didn't expect so many of you were gonna just die, like, honestly, a lot more incompetent than I thought here. I told the zombies to go easy on you, you know that?" The Doctor rambled. "I - you know, some people think that I'm just - you know, the silly old Judi Dench woman? Well. I am happy to inform you that I am. And also I'm the silly old Judi Dench woman that happens to be the smartest person to ever exist. I Sylvester McCoy-ed your asses so bad!!" She chuckled.
"Danny tricked us into coming here!!" Mary swore.
"Nah. He just really likes citizen's bank. I have no clue as of the quality of their banking, so don't take this as an ad, or financial advice, I mean, this is Danny here, but, they do give out free lollipops." She Stuck several into her mouth. Three of them fell out because she didn't have a cheek because she was a zombie and I'll just stop explaining the jokes alright.
"Well, um, I'll just step into this private vault here, if you don't mind." Jago snapped. "Good luck getting in!"
The Doctor took a gun out of her pocket and shot him in the head.
"OOOH!! I used my magic magic powers of using a fucking magnum!" The Doctor announced. "Seriously. Why don't zombies use guns. Like. Come on."
"Oh no. I've never seen her this genre-saavy before, Mary." Danny said. "I don't think there's a way to avoid zombification here."
"Yeah. Unless you douse yourself entirely in sauerkraut. God. You know that I had to nuke the entirety of Germany because of that? Like seriously, who looked at cabbage and was like, 'you know what this needs?' Fucking sour shit!" The Doctor rambled mindlessly. "Danny. Come on. Let's go on Zombie adventures danny. let's have some nice adventures. a big finish boxset with danny and the zombie doctor come on let's go danny it'll be great we'll have so much fun in our four hour boxset that we'll sell for like fifty quid, we'll be raking it in danny, come on"
"Doctor! I want not zombie humanity!!" Danny yelled.
"Zombie Nick Briggs danny,, I would buy a boxset featuring zombie nick briggs, you know that,, did you know I met the timeless child yesterday danny, long story short it is now the zombie child. it is very zombie and is also a child. are you excited for russell t davies to come back danny, I want zombie russell t davies to come and write for zombie doctor who danny"
"doctor"
"imagine,, like really imagine if like Russell T Davies made like a love and monsters sequel but everyone's zombies danny, like danny this would be so good, like come on, , I miss being david tennant danny,, i was so popular danny, imagine if i was zombie david tennant danny, everything's gonna be back and it's gonna be just like 2006 danny it's gonn a be just like 2006 but als oz zombie "
"No." Danny said firmly. "Doctor. Stop."
"party pooping little shit"
The Doctor shot danny in the head.
Mary Shelley ran into the bank vault and closed the door.
* * *
It was over. It was finally over. She was safe.
She was safe.
She was alone. The zombies weren't going to get in. She got out a book from her bag. Time for her to finally relax and read.
She reached into her bag, and put on her reading glasses.
And she tripped.
And the glasses shattered.
The End
Danny Devito as Danny
Happy Halloween
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