NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - The Bullshitters
NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - The Bullshitters
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton and Rinko Kikuchi
Part Six of Six
Previously On Doctor Who
OH NO! Evil Yaz and Evil Dan are going to disintegrate the Doctor!
* * *
"NOW, WE WILL DISINTEGRATE YOU, DOCTOR!" Proclaimed Evil Yaz.
"HA HO" added Evil Dan.
"No." said The Doctor, walking away.
Evil Yaz looked at Evil Dan. "She can just do that?"
* * *
Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor was looking at his magic doors, because he had magic doors now. Out of one magic door stepped Roman, Danieru and Sarah.
"I am Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor," he began.
"Great! Thanks. You've done all you need to do for the plot."
"What?"
"Yeah, you've successfully contributed."
"What? No I haven't! My purpose being the magic doors was only revealed last episode! How do I even have magic doors?" Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor blubbered. he was really irritated. "I'VE BEEN IN ALL OF THE EPISODES! EVERY SCENE I'VE BEEN IN, WAS LIKE, INSISTING THAT I WAS GONNA BE IMPORTANT! WHY AM I NOT IMPORTANT! OTHERWISE, YOU HAVE LITERALLY BEEN WASTING MY TIME AND THE UNIVERSE ITSELF IS MEANINGLESS!!! NOW! PLEASE TELL ME I'M IMPORTANT!"
"Of course you're important." Sarah replied. "You have magic doors."
"Now see here!" Grand Marshall Hugo endeavor yelled, but he was cut off as A cartoonist's eraser descended from the heavens and erased Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor's mouth. "Mpph! Mmmph! MMPH!!" He screamed, and then he was gone from the narrative forever, having served his function.
"Wow," said Danieru. "These are cool magic doors."
A door opened and out came an army of Tetraps.
"Tetraps," Roman grumbled. "It's always damn Tetraps."
* * *
The Doctor walked into the hallway, and waved hi to ...Beatrice the Gardener. She was still covered in blood, and was burying something in the flower bed.
"Hey, ...Beatrice!" The Doctor said. "Do you have a device that will duplicate me into three people and send them careening across space and time!"
"Yes" nodded ...Beatrice. She passed her a device. "Be sure to read the manual." ...Beatrice said.
It was a sort of chunky device, around the size of a thick book, but metal, and wiry. Also strangely light. The Doctor grinned.
"Well, thanks, mate." The Doctor said, taking the space-time duplicator from ...Beatrice. "You're the best."
* * *
Around thirty feet away, Evil Yaz and Evil Dan looked at eachother.
Evil Yaz frowned. "I just remembered we could walk. You know. Like we could walk. after her, maybe. You know. It would make killing her a bit easier."
"Oh. Yeah." Evil Dan concurred. "I'd forgotten!"
They began walking v e r y s l o w l y towards the Doctor.
* * *
Richard Nixon's Spaceship
"HAHA, I'M RICHARD NIXON!" said Richard Nixon, flying his spaceship. He rather enjoyed doing this, you know, he enjoyed being Richard Nixon flying a spaceship. He only had a few character traits, but he used them well. Elizabeth Tate had hitched a ride off-screen, so she was now here too, speaking in olde englishe. Which is like modern English but with a lot more e's.
Suddenly, as these things do, when there's very little going on and the writer doesn't want to do that much description, there was a massive explosion.
"A Tetrap invasion fleet!" Squeaked Richard Nixon.
"Whatever are these Tetraps, Mister Nixon?" Elizabeth Tate asked, loading a laser pistol.
"They've tractor-beamed us in! We're about to find out, up close!" Richard Nixon screamed.
The tetraps docked at the airlock with a menacing clunk. With a shock, the airlock was blasted open, and out strolled the Tetraps and The Rani.
"I am the Rani." The Rani said, grandiose as ever.
Elizabeth Tate, wondering why no one hadn't yet, decided to shoot the Rani. It worked remarkably well.
"OWCH!" The Rani yelled, having been fucking shot. "I didn't even get to monologue!"
"Yeah, Elizabeth!" Nixon snarled. "You always let them monologue! It's polite!"
"You're the worst, Elizabeth!" The Rani complained. "Like seriously, oh my god that is so much blood what the hell"
"I - I thought we were supposed to shoot the dastardly villains!" Elizabeth shrieked both nervously and innocently.
Suddenly the Doctor appeared. "Hi! I'm one of three Doctors, how do you do, luv?" She smiled.
"OH BOY," said the Rani, so annoyed she had sort of just lost the british accent and now sounded like an angry Karen, "If it ISN'T little miss MY COMPANIONS FUCKING SHOOT PEOPLE" Behind the Rani stood her army of Tetraps, ready to board the ship and kill them all, but the Rani was just super irritated and wasn't thinking clearly.
"Elizabeth Tate's not my companion!" The Doctor blubbered.
"OH yeah WELL guess WHAT it's like she's COMPANION LITE, she's like I dunno fucking Tarrant from all the Dalek serials that ALL have a GIRL NAMED TARRANT in THEM, she's fucking JENNY FLINT or like LADY CHRISTINA oh my god what am I doing WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE" The Rani was just sort of going at them, really, like, she had fully the capability to murder them all at any second because of her tetrap army, she was just really annoyedly having the conversation.
"I - I'm sorry! I mean, we're like, mates, technically, back from the academy, so I can empathize, but you are trying to conquer the universe!" The Doctor said, fair as ever.
"HOW are you EVEN HERE" The rani screamed.
"Oh, yeh, luv, I have this cheeky device that duplicates me across time and space, and the like, so there's three of me. If there was one of me, I'd be really knackered, having to like, exist in three time and space places simultaneously for the plot to work, but there's three of me now! It's like a multidoc, but without the cool interaction, and just sort of shite." The Doctor said.
"Give it." The Rani said, extending her hand.
"I mean, I don't want to much, really." The Doctor admitted.
The Rani snatched the device out of her hand. She began duplicating herself a ludicrous amount.
"Yay, I no longer have a tetrap army. I now have a me army. I'm going to conquer earth." The Rani said. "Thanks."
"Oh, bloody hell." The Doctor sighed.
* * *
Earth
Halfway across the galaxy, the Rani materialized on earth 5000000000000000000000000000 times and kicked all the Tetraps out.
The Rani was now Rani-ing more than anyone had ever Rani-ed before, and no one could possibly stop her.
Sarah, Roman, and Danieru were in the magic door room in the tunnels, now being invaded by Ranis.
"This is like, really off the chain, right?" Danieru asked. "Like, this doesn't make sense to me. The series rarely if ever gets this ridiculous."
"IT'S THE RANIPOCALYPSE!" Roman yelled at maximum volume.
"My case in point!" said Danieru.
Suddenly, out of one of the magic doors came Yvonne Hartman, covered in Rani blood and carrying a massive gun. She blasted down the remainder of the Rani's.
Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor applauded.
"and you are?" Sarah asked.
"Yvonne Hartman." She sneered. "Director of Torchwood Three. I don't come from your universe, and I'm exceedingly morally grey."
"Really?" Danieru said excitedly. "I love being morally grey!"
Yvonne impassively handed Danieru her card. "Now," she began. "Torchwood has fallen. It's either because of Brexit or you know, it being dissolved after that huge incident with God. We have remarkably little backup. I'm currently heading the human resistance against Rani, or HRAR."
"You really need a better acronym."
"It's on the agenda," Yvonne remarked, organized as ever.
Suddenly a third Doctor dematerialized. "Yvonne Hartman!" she said excitedly. "Yvonne Hartman!"
"I hate you," replied Yvonne, but the Doctor had already moved on.
"Sarah! Dani! ROMAN!" The Doctor grinned, "Oh, I'm chuffed to see you all! Time to enact our elaborate plan to stop the Rani!"
Yvonne handed the Doctor her TARDIS. She'd been keeping it nearby in a wheelbarrow. The Doctor swung the doors open, happily. "Come on! It's time to assemble our unreasonably large TARDIS team!"
"Surely our main goal should be stopping Evil Yaz, Dan and The Flux," mentioned Roman.
"No, I don't think so." The Doctor dismissed it. "I'm sure it's fine."
* * *
Division Voidship
Joseph Williamson stepped into the Division Voidship. Woah. He had gotten here by the very convienient magic doors. isn't that cool.
"Oh, hi, joseph williamson," said Evil Yaz. "we're going to kidnap you."
"No! Stop!" Joseph Williamson screamed in terror.
"Cor blimey, he's a right blighter, innit?" said Evil Dan, putting in effort to be as fucking incomprehensible to american audiences as possible.
Evil Yaz surveyed the terrain. "We shall trap him in the place where there the characters with no plot significance go!"
"What! No, I have plot significance! I like tunnels!" Williamson blubbered, but it was too late, and Evil Dan said "ha ho," and pulled open existence and placed Williamson in the place where Faith has been for the past 3 episodes.
"Oh. Hi." said Williamson.
"I have gained all known knowledge about the universe and am now a vastly different character than when the audience first identified me," said Faith. "Indeed, I am super fucking smart and possibly a Mary Sue and also a bit of a jerk. that's my one flaw. look at me. all shall love me and despair."
"You know, the term Mary Sue has sort of been utilized rather recently frequently to describe any character that is female and has the same abilities as their male counterparts. It is increasingly gaining a problematic connotation."
"I AM A PROBLEMATIC CHARACTER," announced Faith, breaking fucking reality.
They found themselves in a different room, a vegetation filled jungle. "How do we get out of here?" Williamson asked.
"I know exactly how!" Faith answered.
* * *
Division
Evil Yaz and Evil Dan malevolently walked towards The Doctor at their very slow pace.
"ha ho, doctor! what's the point of being alive," Evil Dan laughed.
"Your meme has gotten old!" The Doctor screamed in retaliation.
"I'm good at this," Evil Dan replied smartly, levying a pocket-watch towards her. "It's your memories of the Timeless Timeless Child!"
"Didn't we spend an episode talking about how my memories don't define me," The Doctor sighed irritably.
"Mm, yeah, but wouldn't you really like to know about all that juicy canon?" Evil Yaz laughed. "look, we'll show you a house that looks sort of like lungbarrow to tease all the fucking lame nerds who thought the show would acknowledge lungbarrow oh my god haha"
"We're going to threaten to destroy your memories!" Evil Dan yelled malevolently.
"I DON'T REMEMBER THEM ANYWAY??! WHY SHOULD I CARE!??!"
"Because"
* * *
A Fucking Sweetshop
The Rani was in a sweetshop. Or at least one of the many, many Ranis. Rani #843259784389729857
Danieru and Sarah walked in. "Hey, please betray your entire army for some pieces of chocolate, random The Rani person," They asked.
"I have previously shown no interest in chocolate, but sure." The Rani #843259784389729857 agreed.
* * *
The Rani Spaceship
The first of the Doctors began to crash Richard Nixon's spaceship into the Rani's spaceship. She then beamed herself, Nixon, Jaime and Roman aboard.
"Jaime, Roman, you're going to trick the Rani's into taking the information for the final flux event from your brains. In fact, I really want them to go there."
"Why?"
"It's like, my plan." The Doctor insisted. "As for me, I'm going to go get tortured by Seize, the Chief Politician."
"What about me?" Asked Time Travelling Richard Nixon. "Didn't you know that I used to be a companion in your timeless child lives but can't say anything more about it or my brain will explode!"
The Doctor nodded. "Most of the audience had figured that out. Also, we're running out of episode runtime, so um, Your entire family is dead."
"WHAT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" screamed Richard Nixon
* * *
Division Void Ship
"Don't your memories haunt you, little one?" Evil Yaz asked.
"Why do you even want to do this? Are you just really thick??" The Doctor spat.
"We want to break our master out of their prison on Atropos. Only the Flux can truly finish that." Evil Dan said, menacingly swinging his wok.
"Why do you want that?!" The Doctor sighed. "Seriously, luv, why would anyone want that?"
"Because your existence is a heinous crime," Evil Yaz snarled. "We find destruction good. We find chaos good. We do not understand your morals. They are inferior to us."
"I can't make up my mind whether your lack of understanding good and evil is fascinating really alien morality or just lazy characterization." The Doctor muttered.
* * *
Rani Ship
"There are a whole lot of scenes in this episode," Jaime noted to Roman as they began to infiltrate the slaves that were being mindscanned by the Rani guards for information of the final flux event.
"Yes. And this is one of the least interesting to parody, so we won't do it onscreen." Roman agreed.
"Quite right," Jaime nodded. "Okay, audience! Please just take it as a matter of fact that we have now given the information of the final flux event to the Rani's so they'll be going there!" They stated dramatically.
"God. it's like reading a summary on wikipedia," Roman noted, but they moved along.
* * *
Jaime and Roman now elsewhere in the ship, began downloading information from the Rani computer systems.
"Roman!" They called. "Look at this!"
The Rani had sent a transmission to the final two species alive in the universe... the Slitheen and the Eminence?? That's odd, but at least it wasn't shoehorning major villains like the Daleks or Cybermen in there, haha.
Jaime began feeling foreboding... Hmm... It was a petition of alliance...
* * *
The Doctor walked into Seize's room aboard the ship. "So, you're working with the Rani?"
"Yes," said Seize.
"Okay, cool." The Doctor said. "Can we cut the torture scene, there's really not much fun to do there."
"But it's my only scene to impress the audience with my villainy," Seize snarled.
"Yes," said The Doctor.
The other Doctor dematerialized in the TARDIS, and conked Seize out with a hammer.
* * *
"Roman, I've discovered that the Rani has set up a ruse! She's going to be the only alive thing in the universe, she's going to trick the Slitheen and Eminence by sending them the wrong coordinates and warping them into a neutron star!" Jaime announced.
Roman yelled with shock. "That's genocide on a universal scale!! especially since the universe is really small and pretty much everyone's dead!"
Jaime nodded, and exclaimed. "We must stop them!"
The ship exited hyperspace.
"There's an issue of problematic nature. AKA Biggy Problem Thingy." Jaime noted. "We as well now travel towards the final flux event - also right by that neutron star!"
"Damn! The temple of atropos!" Roman snapped. "So The Rani is sending them into that star -"
"To build up enough fuel and energy for the star to reach a critical mass. She intends to stop the Flux by it's equal opposite - by creating an enormous black hole unlike any ever seen on record!" Jaime finished.
"Shit," added Roman once more for emphasis.
* * *
That One Sort of Weird Spot Outside Reality
The TARDIS rematerialized.
"Where is this?" Sarah asked.
"That one sort of weird spot outside reality," The Doctor admitted. "I was aiming for the Division void ship - we need to stop Evil Yaz and Evil Dan!"
Joeseph Williamson and Faith ran up to them.
"Oh great, our ride!" Williamson exclaimed.
"Williamson! Mad Mole!" The Doctor smiled. "You were here the last time this happened! You - the holes in reality are the same as last time - the last time - there was a last time - what's - what's going on"
Williamson nodded. "It boggles the brain, but it's common for events in the Doctor Who universe to just sort of happen twice. Like you know, Human Nature. Or Revenge/Return of the Cybermen for some reason."
The Doctor nodded. "Right, I'm - I'm just getting confused. You lot get in."
Faith and Williamson climbed in.
"WILLIAMSON!" Elizabeth Tate smiled, and they had a big heartfelt reunion.
"FAITH!" Danieru smiled, and Faith walked in, disgruntled. "You missed our date." Faith remarked.
"In fairness, it was the end of the universe!!" Danieru screamed. "I had gotten kidnapped by Richard Nixon!"
"Did you miss that tiny bit of dialog I had about being a jerk now?" Faith asked.
* * *
Division Void Ship
"By now," Evil Yaz announced. "Every other form of life in the universe should have been eliminated."
The Doctor struggled to contain her grin. They had no idea.
"Yes, we will take the Doctor to the planet Time, the city of Atropos, and we shall sacrifice her to time itself!" Evil Dan grinned. "We're good at this!"
"Wait, is it literally a creature called Time, that's a physical manifestation of time, that happens to exist exclusively on a planet called Time?" The Doctor asked.
"Yes."
"Okay, carry on."
* * *
The Final Flux event had begun. The Slitheen and Eminence ships were being torn to shreds, and The Rani was looking on in relish.
"MWHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Screamed The Rani. The Original Rani, at least, as close to the original as you can get. If original matters at a certain point. look, it's like, if you make infinite copies of john simm is there any difference between one of them to another? they're all gonna react to something the same way, they've got the same brain waves, right?? Anyone who duplicates themselves and thinks they aren't gonna get annoyed very quickly is an absolute madman. Like the John Simm Master, or people who read these short stories, which are continuing to get progressively not short.
The Doctor walked up behind the Rani and took the duplication device of convenience out of her hand. "Wha -" spat the Rani.
"You haven't been thinkin clearly, luv. Want me to spell it out for ya?" The Doctor grinned impishly.
The Rani turned, fuming with rage. She extended her arm, revealing a laser spanner in her palm. "Give me that back!" She snarled.
The Doctor grinned. "Well, no, because you've been rather daft. You turned off the safety protocols on this secret Division Gallifreyan Device that existed outside of time in order to duplicate yourself. But do you get how it even works?"
The Rani snorted. "Of course, you ignorant buffoon. I am onto a goddess, and I am well capable of reading the manual. I AM familiar with such devices."
"Mm, well, I'm not quite sure I believe that, luv, because this isn't a duplicator, it's just a time machine." The Doctor explained. "It creates an alternative timeline and travels you backwards in time one second to give the appearance of duplication. I only used it twice, because, well, end of the universe, ya gotta make some barmy choices when lives are on the line, don't ya?" She adjusted her hat proudly.
"But you're tearing apart time and space to create an army of you. You're tearing apart time and space to create an army of temporal errors, and time errors are the thing that the Flux almost exclusively searches out! You wonder why the Daleks and whatnot got vaporized so fast? Why I've dealt with you, tetraps, eminence, and only the smallest faction of Cybermen? Because this new Flux is designed to find error! Because with all the continuity errors, the timeline is so jank the TARDIS wiki can't make it's mind up on whether Davros or Yarvelling even made the Daleks!"
The Rani stood in abject horror.
"You've made yourself a Flux magnet." The Doctor grinned sheepishly.
"And what are you going to do?! Doctor, you have to help me!" The Rani said.
"Ehh, I mean, as long as one of your survives, which I know will happen - I've met one of your future selves by the way, I don't very much care whether your army of temporal clones are disintegrated. Especially if enough of them could eat up the Flux itself." The Doctor fingered the device. "I'm going to duplicate you some more, actually, I think. If I spam it Enough matter to stop the Flux's raging anti-matter."
"Well, if you say it like that, it's definitely a better idea than me using a black hole to try and contain the Flux." The Rani said. "Let me help."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "Dear, I think you've done bloody well enough." She sonicked the device.
* * *
In space, billions upon billions of seconds of alternative timeline Ranis, and their spaceships, loads upon loads of matter, began to materialize into the Flux. Incalculable numbers. Numbers so big that there aren't even numbers for them yet. A googol is big enough, that’s one followed by one hundred zeroes. Then there’s a googolplex, which is a googol of googols. If you go to a googolplex of a googolplex, that’s a googolplexianth, and that’s pretty close to where our names for numbers stop, but the amount of Rani’s that appeared and disappeared into the flux were utterly gargantuan beyond meaning. If you think about it, the number of Ranis that appeared were pretty close to infinity. You can’t reach infinity, but like, you know, they tried.
The flux was boiled down to nothing.
* * *
Time
The Temple of Atropos. The Doctor looked up in horror as Evil Yaz and Dan knelt down before the altar, and with a shock, a purple monstrocity materialized, a crystalline horror that she was all too familiar with. Swarm.
"Master," Evil Yaz snarled. "We come with a sacrifice."
"You mean to mock me?" Swarm asked. He had been trapped here in this ruin for thousands upon thousands of years. Waiting to be set free. And still here he was contained.
Evil Yaz and Evil Dan shook their heads, servile. "We dare not, my leige," Evil Yaz began. "We intended on your quest - to finish what your kind, the Ravagers started."
"You are nothing more than infantile shapeshifters - it is only a bizarre overzealousness that could lead you to take upon those shapes, the shapes of the enemies that imprisoned my sister and I here. Davros tried so long to create the ultimate creatures. You are his failed attempts. You are a mockery... sheer hubris in foolish form... and it is not to my surprise you fail." Swarm snarled. "I remain TRAPPED!" His silky smooth voice echoed with malevolence.
Evil Yaz and Evil Dan shuddered with fear.
"The irony of time's cruel hand is not beyond me. I was condemned to this fate, imprisoned here for failing to bring about the Flux. And to imprison you here alongside me - no, I would not condemn even my worst enemy to that fate."
Swarm seemed to think for a moment. He corrected himself:
"Or perhaps I would, if I would not have to tolerate their annoyance for all eternity. Time reduced me to this state upon this spot. I shall be kinder. I shall reduce you to nothing."
And with that, Evil Yaz and Dan screamed as they disappeared into death.
The Doctor stared Swarm down. "It's been a while." She said.
"It has." Swarm said slickly.
"It was that easy?" The Doctor sighed. "You just killed them?"
"It was." Swarm said, barely reacting. Why would he react to death? He was far too used to it. "Why do you still remain here? To gloat over your victories? Perhaps to complain about inconsistencies, the things you don't understand. The things you never will."
"I'm satisfied." The Doctor said.
"You're satisfied?" Swarm chuckled.
"I am." The Doctor said. "Oh, there were inconsistencies, there were bad things happening, there was a lot of problems, really, probably too many villains, not sure what the heck the Merri/Mouri were, and all in all, a lot of things were irrelevant, but you know?? It was an adventure, wasn't it? Largely, like, I really enjoyed myself."
"Are you kidding me"
"No, genuinely a situation of greater than the sum of it's parts, I'd say. I had a great time." The Doctor said, smiling. "8/10, would recommend oh flux."
Time appeared alongside Swarm - it took the shape of the Doctor's face as last Time saw it - blonde haired, longcoat with a rainbow stripe alongside the shirt. "Hold on, let me combine you into one person." Time said, helpfully doing so, before adding: "Your time is coming to an end."
The Doctor's eyes widened.
"Your time with Sarah Connor is coming to an end..." Time corrected itself.
The Doctor bit her lip. "Thanks for letting me know."
"Beware of the forces that mass against you... and whichever villain that episode will have in it."
* * *
The very crowded TARDIS dematerialized.
Richard Nixon, Williamson and Elizabeth set outside to go out onto their own spinoff.
"Bye, you three!" The Doctor smiled.
"I am pregnant and there's a 2% chance it's the timeless child" Elizabeth Tate commented.
"Cool." The Doctor said, slamming the door.
* * *
The TARDIS dematerialized once more.
Roman and Jaime stepped out, and Yvonne Hartman raised an eyebrow and looked cool, for like, the fans, but made no contributions of note to the story.
* * *
The TARDIS dematerialized a third time.
"Venice," The Doctor smiled. "Dani, Faith, sorry your planet blew up, but you know, you can have a date in like, a semi-watery place. Like, it's not waterworld. But I'm doing my best here."
"I am an irredeemable cow. Fuck you, Danieru." Faith said, walking off.
"Wow, that was sudden and not remotely believable. It's almost as if Faith was intentionally written out so Danieru could officially join the TARDIS," The Doctor exclaimed.
"It's the end, but the moment has been prepared for," replied Sarah Connor with a mock bow, opening the TARDIS doors. She threw Danieru a key, which Danieru caught with a smile. "Wow, thanks!" Danieru smiled.
"Come on, let me show you inside," Sarah said, leading Danieru in.
The Doctor stood on the Venetian streets for a moment, and stared at the sky. There was something off that she couldn't place, as she gazed into the distant night, which somehow felt more forlorn and empty than ever before. Vast darkness.
The Doctor gnawed at her thumb slightly, and slid closed the TARDIS doors.
She had forgotten the Flux had destroyed 98% of everything in the universe.
It will probably be fine.
Hugh Ross as Seize
Oh Flux: Re:Review
ReplyDeleteWhat the actual flux was that.
8/10
Not enough Water