NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - Survivors of the Canon-Welding
NCBBDAS: Survivors of the Canon-Welding
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton and Rinko Kikuchi
Part Five of Six
Previously on Doctor Who
Oh no! The Doctor has been turned into a Cyberman!
* * *
"Wow, I'm not a Cyberman!" The Doctor proclaimed. She indeed, was not a Cyberman.
She was in a Cyber-transport ship. Hundreds of Cybermen around her. No way out. Her mind raced. First - why?
"Why!?! Why did you do that?!" She yelled. "Come on, you lot, go on then! Tell me!"
[WE ARE GOING TO TRANSPORT YOU TO DIVISION IN EXCHANGE FOR OUR SAFETY FROM THE FLUX.]
"Division, the Time Lords allow pretty much everyone in. Every race in the universe, but no, they said no to you lot. They feared you, feared what the Cybermen would become if given access to time travel. And you had it - had all the power in the world, and even still the Flux tore apart your alternative timeline like that!" She snapped her fingers. "You really think that returning me to them is gonna help you? Once they get what they want..."
The Cybermen did not respond. Figures.
"Where are my friends?!"
[MAROONED. WE HAVE YOUR TARDIS. THEY POSE NO THREAT. THEY ARE LOST.]
"Well!" The Doctor said, struggling to come up with words... "My friends are never lost!"
1969
"Well. We're lost." Danieru sighed, looking out onto the horizon.
"The Cybermen...just left us?" Dorothea asked, confused.
"They think I'm Division." Roman stated. "They thought it was part of the deal."
"Are you Division?" Sarah Connor asked, warily, hand on her gun.
"Seriously? We've been over this, the whole thing was a Matrix Illusion set up by Davros!" Roman sighed. "I am the Professor Jericho analogy!"
"Okay, then who's Dorothea?" Danieru said, gesturing aggressively.
"Oh, she's suddenly dead." Sarah Connor said, pointing at Dorothea's suddenly dead body.
Roman, Danieru and Sarah Connor stared aggressively at the author's sloppy writing.
1971
Danieru was sword-fighting one of the ancient battle-masters of Japan. This battle-master had been practicing the art of motherfucking murder for three hundred and seventy two years, and although he was inexplicably quite old, that only made Danieru more intimidated. One should always fear the elderly, especially when they work in a career with low life expectancy.
Sarah Connor stood nearby, lackadaisically bent onto a fence. She stuffed popcorn in her mouth. She didn't have a digestive system, so really, it was only for comedic effect, but she chewed it, entertained, anyway. "Kick his ass!" She yelled.
Danieru was going to yell back some complaint about why she wasn't being helped, but as their swords clashed, the enemy's blade dug into her shoulder. She let out a guttural growl and drew a knife from her other pocket, bringing it home in the assailant's leg. It gushed purple. As she swung him to the ground, she brought the sword into his chest, and he squealed, serpentine tongue extending from out of it's ears as the alien Eallaisomorph that had been possessing him made it's escape.
She squished it with her boot. Sarah clapped passive aggressively.
Danieru sighed. Her face was dirtied with mud and she had blood all over her. Only some of the blood was hers. "You could have helped!" She said, again, wiping her face with a wet rag that Sarah handed her.
"Far more entertaining this way, really." Sarah laughed. "Besides, I have a gun."
Danieru's face pursed with irritation. "And you didn't shoot it?"
"Would have ruined the sword fight. You don't bring a gun to an ancient Japanese duel."
"For the record, it was only technically Japanese. It was mostly alien parasite."
"Eh, Tomato, Tomato." Sarah said, pronouncing Tomato the exact same way both times. "Come on. Roman's found the guy behind this off-screen adventure."
"Goodie." Danieru remarked.
* * *
They had been travelling the globe in their poorly disguised spinoff series that really deserved at least an episode of television runtime for around two years, and although 1971 certainly wasn't the worst time Sarah Connor, Danieru or Roman had been to, it was far from the best. There was Diamonds are Forever and Willy Wonka, but that was where the fun ended, really. They tried to stay far away from the cities, as they searched the Earth - you were most likely to find alien artifacts outside of the main places you might expect. For all of the attention it gets in film, New York was a lot less alien than you might think. There's like two, and they're really horny for some reason. It's the worst.
Once again, this could make for a really engrossing episode, with Sarah, Roman and Danieru travelling the world together, but don't worry. They won't do much.
Sarah and Danieru walked over.
Roman had a spindly mustachioed man pinned against to the wall with his gun-cane. Roman had wanted a trick-cane, but Danieru was unwilling to give up any swords, so therefore, it was a big ass gun that he used as a cane. People tended to notice, and run away very quickly. The last time they'd entered a shopping mall, Texas had collapsed.
"Tell us what you know about the Doctor! How can we find her?!" Roman commanded the exceedingly afraid man with a gun-cane in his face.
"Okay, so you have to go see this hermit at the top of a mountain..."
* * *
The Doctor found herself once again, suddenly no longer within the Cyberman’s possession.
“Good afternoon,” said a quirky and frazzled brown-haired woman standing nearby. She was wearing some sort of petticoat, and her hair was a frizzled bun with strands poking out in various directions. Her white apron and dark brown dress were splattered with blood.
“Oh! Are you alright?” The Doctor asked instinctively, although it occurred to her that the strange woman could be untrustworthy. “…if it’s not too much… to ask, there… there is an awful lot of blood, pet.” The Doctor realized that no, she was quite obviously alright, and she should probably run from this seemingly maniacal woman.
“I say!” The woman said impertinently, almost like a mother scolding her young. “This is my blood, and I will wear it as I please! How impetuous of you, young lady!”
The Doctor sighed. “If you wouldn’t mind then, what’s your name again?”
“...Beatrice.” She said.
“Beatrice?”
“No, ….Beatrice. The pause is important, it’s a part of the thing, you see,” …Beatrice said, and she pointed down the strange elongated hall, that seemed to go on for quite some while. “Anywho, I’m just the gardener, I think you’ll be looking for the boss. He’s down that-away.”
The Doctor nodded nervously and walked on.
* * *
Down the hallway, which seemed to stretch out infinitely, suddenly, the Doctor took a step and a room solidified around her.
"Apologies," said a robotic, hissing voice. "Due to being outside our universe, the laws of physics are currently rather... variable."
"Davros," The Doctor hissed as the decrepit man rolled into the light. His chair was rotten - rusted with age, and his skin was as papery as a mummy - liable to fall apart with a single prick. He looked more worn than ever.
"Doc-tor..." He replied. "I see you met my gardener."
"I take it that you're behind all this." The Doctor said. "Division."
"It has fallen into my hands after a certain relative of yours met her demise."
"Tecteun? Oh. Oh, my. Oh, now... now I think about it..." The Doctor had a sudden realization. "Oh, how did I not notice it - the events, everything is - everything is repeating! The Flux, I knew it happened before, but - but why didn't I notice? Why didn't I notice that it all had-"
"Happened Before in your Thirteenth Incarnation? Ah, how unobservant you are, Doctor, it does please me so. Perhaps the reason you didn't notice is some kind of neural lock I could have set up. Or perhaps, at last, you have become dulled with age as I have. It is all down to me, of course. Sit. We have so much to talk about."
* * *
1881
Torchwood. Outside the Government. Beyond The Police. Suddenly in this story without any indication beforehand this series had anything to do with Torchwood.
Queen Victoria sat on her throne. She didn't do that as often as she liked - she could sometimes be a little too much of a hands on ruler, and that could quite frankly, be rather uncomfortable.
"The Chief Politician, madam." A guard had said when he let him in, and Victoria thought about how inherently ridiculous the title was. The most politician of politicians. Truly, this must be some kind of joke?
The Chief Politician had exceedingly long legs. He was Seven Feet Tall, enormous and towering, but most of that was in the legs, the rest of him was squat compared to the elongated behemoths he walked upon. That wasn't the thing you noticed about him though, it was always the eyes. Looking directly at him you could get the sense that they were in the wrong spots - just for a brief moment you could see that they were actually on the side of his head. But never mind that - because it was wrong.
The Chief Politician was the correct height, and his eyes were on the front of his face. How silly, the Queen thought, that she had momentarily thought him some kind of monster, for he was the most ordinary and quite simply trustworthy man she had met. She just knew. He was very nice, wasn't he, of course he was, and she shouldn't be rude to him, oh dear, no.
"So, you have an idea for an institution?" He asked.
The Queen nodded serenely.
"Let me give you some of my ideas..." The Chief Politician grinned, and there were a lot of sharp teeth in his mouth until the Queen realized there weren't.
* * *
1889
Eight years had passed and six units of Torchwood had been given locations across the breadth of the British Empire. Torchwood One in London, Torchwood Two in Glasgow, Torchwood Three in Cardiff, Torchwood India, which was strangely bereft of a number, Torchwood Four, also in Glasgow (the budget had had some trouble.) Also Torchwood Space. Which was in Space.
The Queen was rather pleased with the effort, although she was rather concerned as to the size of the organization. She planned expansions with the Chief Politician to Liverpool, The Colonies, Paris and Hell. She wasn't sure how one could even access hell, but she had put her best people on it.
Torchwood needed an enemy or it would become stagnant, and so she and the Chief Politician began construction on an enemy. It had to be exceptionally powerful, otherwise someone would find a reason to attack Torchwood in budget cuts meetings. Soon enough, they invented a problem for Torchwood to occupy itself with. They did not foresee the long term impacts of creating such a committee and the many deaths it would ultimately cause. Or at least the Queen didn't.
The Chief Politician now referred to themselves as "Seize", and frankly, they were invaluable. The Queen couldn't imagine Torchwood without him. This was rather the point.
* * *
Project Infernus
"Doc-tor, welcome to Division's newest and boldest project. Project Infernus!"
"THIS is Infernus? Seems like you're taking your newest plan from the pages of Emperor Palpatine. Hey, if it didn't work the first time, wellll, let's try again then! Rinse and Repeat! Awfully daft coming from you, Davros, I expected more!"
"Oh, Doctor. You do fall into these patterns so easily. Haven't you seen that this was all to a point? To lull you into a false sense of security, ultimately to bring you here. For your help."
"For my help! I'd never help you!"
"Not unless, Doctor, the alternative was so mindbogglingly evil you had no other recourse. I wish to create the ULTIMATE Predator..."
"What?"
"From you, of course. My Daleks over the centuries have proven time and time again to not truly be the supreme beings. You annihilate them. They are inferior, and so they will be replaced. With a new species. A new intergalactic power."
"I'll never help you!"
"Not even with your entire universe held hostage?! No, Doctor, I've thought of everything quite carefully. Everything you have witnessed has all been my design."
"OH MY GOD!! NOOOOOOOOOOO!" The Doctor screamed.
"What?"
"I just realized we only have one episode to tie up all the arc threads, Davros! We need to get going!! There's a lot of it!!"
"We aren't even done setting up the arc threads, Doctor! MWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"
The Doctor began crying, for it was at this point she truly knew the final episode was going to be bad as hell.
* * *
MORE ARC THREADS
HERMIT LAND
"WOowowwoWOWOowowOWowoOEeeeOh" Said the Possibly Racist stereotype Hermit on top of the mountain, who somehow inexplicably knows everything.
"Hello, oh great racist stereotype hermit on top of the mountain who somehow inexplicably knows everything, we come with questions." Roman stated, bowing in deference.
"It's great POSSIBLY racist stereotype hermit OhEoHWHWoeoOeeoOHo!" Said the POSSIBLY Racist stereotype hermit on top of the mountain who somehow inexplicably knows everything, in an impossibly thick indian accent. "It is a very important part of my name, because my whole deal is that the whole time you are watching my scene you have a weird sort of feeling in your chest because while there's nothing overtly racist it somehow feels slightly uncomfortable for some sort of reason you cannot truly define!! WOOWowowOOOWooOOEEOoOH haha I am a hermit"
"ALL HAIL THE POSSIBLY RACIST STEREOTYPE HERMIT ON TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN WHO SOMEHOW INEXPLICABLY KNOWS EVERYTHING!" Screeched Sarah Connor and Danieru.
"hahaah ah ha insert dad joke here" said the Possibly Racist stereotype Hermit on top of the mountain, who somehow inexplicably knows everything.
Sarah, Danieru and Roman applauded for a solid thirty seconds.
The Possibly Racist Stereotype Hermit pondered his orb, before glaring ominously at the camera and continuing on:
"OWowowoOOWOEOEOEOWOEOEOEOEOOWOWOEOH" said the Possibly Racist stereotype Hermit on top of the mountain, who somehow inexplicably knows everything. "MY WISDOM...IT IS COMING! ARE YOU PREPARED?!?!!"
"Yes, oh great Possibly Racist stereotype Hermit on top of the mountain, who somehow inexplicably knows everything," chanted Danieru, Roman and Sarah Connor
"THE WISDOM... IT IS OVERFLOWING.. .. . . . . . .. . . . HERE IT COMES . . . .. . I AM NOT GOING TO TELL YOU A SINGLE USEFUL THING ABOUT THE PLOT! THIS SCENE IS USELESS FUCK YOU!!"
And thus, it was so. Praise be the Possibly Racist stereotype Hermit on top of the mountain, who somehow inexplicably knows everything.
* * *
The Wall of China
Sarah, Roman and Danieru were breakdancing and singing in front of the wall of China.
♫ NOTHING WE DO IS RELEVANT TO THE PLOT AT ALL ♫♫ NOTHING WE DO IS RELEVANT TO THE PLOT AT ALL ♫
♫ EVEN THOUGH AT THIS POINT OF THE STORY WE SHOULD BE WRAPPING UP THE STORY ♫
♫ INSTEAD WE'RE GONNA WASTE YOUR TIII-I-I-IME! ♫
♫ ALSO THIS SONG HARDLY RHY-HY-HYMES!! ♫
* * *
Modern Torchwood
Seize broke down the door, laughing evilly. But also really hammy, it was more like Daffy Duck than Lord Voldemort. He walked up to John Barrowman and Eve Myles and cancelled their television series.
"MAWHHWHHAHAHAHAHAHWHAHHAAHWHHAHAHAHAHAHHWHAHHAA" He said
* * *
Slightly Modern-er Torchwood (Takes Place Before Parody Among Us)
"Good afternoon," said Seize, walking into the room.
"Good afternoon," Yvonne Hartman nodded in response.
"I'm here to inform you that I am so evil. I am like really evil. So evil." Seize said.
"What? Why?"
"I'm also going to try to kill you," said Seize.
"I'm immune to you killing me." said Yvonne in response.
"oh, okay," Seize conceded. "But I'm also working with the Rani and her evil Tetrap army. And I'm going to blow up your house."
"Oh, it's ON!" Yvonne hissed.
* * *
At long last, Five episodes in, it was the time for Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor to become relevant in the plot of the series. He was so excited. The Writer walked in and handed him the script, before quickly running off.
Grand Marshall Hugo smiled at the script happily. He turned to the first page.
"Wait, what do you mean my only purpose in the series is to introduce some convenient magic doors?"
* * *
Project Infernus
"Now, Doctor! You will assist me in building the ultimate predator - a Timeless Child of Skaro - and I will reward you by showing you your past! Disobey and you shall be eliminated! "
"I - I won't!" Stuttered the Doctor.
Suddenly, Evil Dan and Evil Yaz appeared in the middle of the room.
"HA-HO" said Evil Dan, killing Davros.
"What?" The Doctor blubbered. "Seriously? That's - that's all we're doing with the davros thread? That's the entire Davros plot?!?! Really? there was? I thought there was lots of material going on there? It was tying a lot of things together!"
Evil Dan grinned evilly. "HA HO WHAT'S THE POINT IN BEING ALIVE"
"you know you're really starting to get old, right? this isn't even much of a cliffhanger!!"
"HA HO"
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Evil Yaz wasn't present 0/10
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