ETDAS ?? ? TWO ? ? ? CAT CH THE P E AR L

ETDAS ?? ? TWO  ?  ? ? CAT CH THE   P E  AR L

By Plum Pudding (Most gags/plot dictated by Hazel)

The "Steal Your Deal" Prompt

Starring Eleanor Tomlinson and a and and Clare Hope-Ashitey with Indya Moore

Part One

"Okay! It's time that we properly get Brook back to their own time and place." The Doctor said, blazing red hair trailing behind her as she galloped across the TARDIS control room. "However, there is a slight issue." 

"What's the issue?" Elyse asked.

"TARDIS can be slightly dodgy. So we're - we're roundballing it. We're taking Brook to - basically - the right place, right? Like, right continent, maybe a few decades give or take. The universe is big. I'm doing my best." 

"Doctor," Brook said, not exceedingly irritated but also irritated enough at the Doctor's bullshittery. A normal person's correct amount of irritation at being told they were being roundballed. "One, I live on a pirate ship in space. Two, it's a pirate ship in space so it doesn't have continents, three, it's a pirate ship in space so it doesn't have a fixed location."

Elyse sort of spun around the TARDIS console room making various pitched "oohs" and "aahs," because this was a Brook episode apparently. 

"Okay, okay! Pirate ship in space!" The Doctor consigned herself. 

"After I left," Brook further clarified. 

"That's really difficult to land on, but I'll do my best. Look, all I'm saying is if we don't accidentally land in Heathrow 1985 again, I'm giving myself an A-star." 

"So, um, Doctor?" Elyse asked. "Are you one of those non-interfering people? Like, because time travel, like certainly we'd have heard about a victorian woman being involved in the battle of waterloo or something, right? So you're like the Eternals!!"

The Doctor made a confused face. "One - They didn't notice a victorian woman in the battle of waterloo because I was wearing a technicolor dream coat and was male presenting at the moment, two, The Eternals are crazy people who also. coincidentally have a pirate ship in space, please don't confuse me right now. like. we're only a few seconds in and we're bringing up enlightenment, what the heck" 

"No, I'm talking about the MCU Eternals, like, you're totally Angelina Jolie and are destined to not interfere with history or suffer the consequences. Except, you totally do interfere with history, you just! Try not to!!" Elyse smiled happily.

"The heck does MCR have to do with this" The Doctor replied, finally finishing imputing the equations into the TARDIS console, and the TARDIS sort of wheezed a bit before coming to a clunk. 

The scanner flipped down from the ceiling as if to remark that it was done with the manic TARDIS shenanigans, and displayed, to actually, everyone's surprise, because they really thought they'd accidentally land in Agatha Christie's back garden or something - a pirate ship in space. A giant, gorgeous pirate ship, 1800s style, just sort of floating there in space. 

"A-Star." The Doctor smiled.

* * *

Brooke stepped outside, smiling to recognize their old ship, the S.S. It's a Fucking Pirate Ship In Space! They turned, their usual sort of mercurial nature fading for a bit, and they hugged the Doctor in gratitude. 

A Crowd of various animal pirates turned and welcomed Brook back in excitement. 

"How long has it been?" Brook smiled. 

"A few months, maybe." One of them said, a sort of chicken man named Herring. Another nodded. 

Brook turned to see their bestie, their greatest friend in the world, a catkind named Steve harumphing in the background. "Oh, hi." They said to him. 

"We had your funeral." Steve said. 

"uhhh whaattt," Elyse said. "I feel I'm sorta missing out on context."

"The Piratekind, this sort of crew, their culture, I've met them before, like, they treat death how they treat life. With joyous upheaval, crazy fricking about." The Doctor replied.  "Being unhinged is the pirate way of life." 

Brook rolled her eyes. "Ugh! I missed it!" 

"Yeah!! I know!!" Steve said, throwing his hands up in the air in sort of indignation. Pirates didn't usually miss their funerals, it was sorta a no no. You were expected to show up halfway through, having faked your death, crash through the walls and start chugging the Capri-Sun straight out of the water-cooler. 

"What's been going down since I left?"

"We got this big haul, Brook. Like, a giant ass Pearl," Steve said. "It's like totally great."

"Did you draw a smiley face on it"

"YOU BET YOUR ASS" 

They high-fived, laughed, and sort of skipped about. 

"Well, time to get going," The Doctor said, turning to go. 

"Hey," Elyse said, grabbing her by the sleeve. "This is cool. I'm not missing out on my first alien-pirate ship." 

"The longer I stay somewhere, the more likely imminent death occurs, it's the inverse law of something." The Doctor said. 

"Something?

"Something." The Doctor confirmed. 

"Look, I just - don't be a Debbie downer! This place is great. It has barrels of Capri-Sun Pacific Cooler." Elyse said. "Nothing bad can happen here whatsoever!" 

"Yeah!" Agreed Brook. "Come on, Doc, stay a while!" 

The Doctor rolled her eyes and nodded. 

* * *

"Where's Captain Cheryl?" Brook asked. They had been going on a tour of the ship. Now below decks, they were confused to see the quarters being vaguely empty. "I would have thought she'd be the first to welcome me back." It confused her.

"Naw, she's come down with a case of Mercurian Flu," Steve began. "So has Deborah, and Agnes."

"why do they all have old lady names" Elyse whispered to the Doctor.

"MERCURIAN FLU!?!??!!?!?!" Brook shrieked. It was the first time Elyse had seen Brooke properly lose their cool. 

"Wait, nothing lives on Mercury, right??" Elyse asked the Doctor for clarification.

"Yo, it's because the Mercurian Flu, man!" Brook yelled. "Kills you in uncompilable agony! Symptoms are death and death!" 

"Geez," Elyse mumbled. 

"ALL HANDS TO BATTLE STATIONS!" Yelled the first mate, walking past them. 

The Doctor sighed. "What did I say?!" 

The Inverse Law of Something. Elyse nodded. Brook gripped their sword and rushed off as the ship shook into action. 

Part Two 

"What's there?" The Doctor asked. "What's going on out there?" She called to Steve. 

A crow woman named Merta shook her head violently. "They're here! They're here, they're here, they're here, they're here!" She shrieked, with violent abandon.

"Merta!" Brook yelled. "What's going on? What is it!?" 

Merta was the wisest of the crew, Brook thought. It had been many a night that Brook had cried on Merta's shoulder. Surely she could help. Her wisdom never failed in times of trouble. 

"THeyRE here   br oo k   they're here look att  em look at th em they're here and they're gonan kills a us  brook k b r oo k      DEATH  it is DEATH and we are forever coiled at it's side, like a snake constricting another SNAKE or SOMETHING locked in eternal turmoil aah the fires the flame the flame at the dawning of the flood FOREVER ARE WE HUMBLED BEFORE IT" screeched Merta. 

Elyse was going to have a response but it was too difficult to characterize and so they moved on. 

"Uh, guys??!" Brook yelled, pointing to a porthole. 

The ship shook and Elyse and The Doctor jostled to the side, grabbing onto a pillar. 

"Can you hold on a second." The Doctor blubbered to Brook. "I'm trying not to die!"

"But that's the thing!" said Brook. "We aren't being attacked." 

"What?" Elyse asked as the shaking suddenly stopped and she and The Doctor walked over hysterically calmly. 

"There's nothing there. We aren't being attacked." Brook explained, pointing to all the nothing in front of them. 

"Are you gaslighting me" Elyse said in a way that sounded both critical and tired. 

"No, there's?? nothing there. I don't know, I don't get it." 

"FIRE AT THE ENEMY!!" Shouted Steven, barging in with an ancient stereotypical cannon that he proceeded to point out a porthole and fire a cannonball at. 

the cannonball fired at the nothing with the exact result of a cannonball firing out into nothing. nothing. it's very hard to add description to this bit.

The Doctor began thinking furiously. Brook began thinking furiously. Elyse began nitpicking.

"Once again, I'd like to point out that we're in Space." Elyse said. "So why is everything so historical looking??" 

"It's popular. That's actually a laser gun but with a holographic texture pack." Brook replied.

Elyse suddenly made an immensely disappointed face. "You're telling me we aren't actually on a pirate ship?" 

Brook indignantly snorted. "It looks like a pirate ship! It pirates like a pirate ship!"

"That's - that's a vast oversimplification of events. That's like saying if I walk in wearing a duck costume I am suddenly a duck." 

"Well, if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck..." 

"It could be a thermonuclear missile in a duck costume." Elyse said. "You literally would just accept that head on? Then you're dead of radiation poisoning!"

"First off, why not a - person?? in a duck costume?? Look, when it comes to holograms, like, technically they're real, it's no different than programmable matter." Brook said. "Also I don't know how a missile could be a duck."

"Well I - I am unattractive, and I can put a bill over my face and I can quack like a Duck! What about my ridiculously long human legs that couldn't be duck legs? my lack of feathers?? my human human body thing?!" Elyse shrieked. "Clearly I am still a duck, your logic is flawed!" 

"Look, if you want to identify as a Duck, that's your business!" Brook yelled. 

"That's condescending and problematic towards modern issues!!"

"I - I was trying to be accepting of your duck identity!! Be who you want to be, man!"

"WHY IS THIS CONVERSATION ABOUT DUCKS SO POLITICIZED" 

"Okay, can - can we stop bickering, I'm figuring this out-" The Doctor hissed. "Let me test something. I think we're still being attacked." The ship shook with violent rigor. The Doctor, Brook and Elyse bounced up against the wall. They could feel the impact of thundrous explosions across the ship bow, the shockwaves of the blast going up and down their spines as they desperately clung onto the wall. "We aren't being attacked." The Doctor said, and it came to a stop. They no longer needed to cling to the wall and as gravity reasserted itself, they fell to the floor on a normal and flat pirate ship floor that wasn't shaking from the heat of battle.

"Wait, what was that??!"

"The attack is psychic." The Doctor said. "It's real - but only if you believe in it. The crew is in danger. We need to help them." 

"I got it." Brook said, getting out their portable Megaphone. "YO, WE AREN'T BEING ATTACKED."

"You have a portable megaphone?" Elyse whispered.

"I ALWAYS CARRY A PORTABLE MEGAPHONE." Brook declared. "ALSO, I REPEAT, WE AREN'T BEING ATTACKED YOU GUYS."

"Oh, cool." said Steven, suddenly letting go of the cannon and breathing a sigh of relief. Steadily, the blood that was on his forehead began to disappear.

Merta got up from the floor. She was no longer screaming mad prophecies of doom. Everything was normal. Or at least normal for them. They all returend to their duties without a word.

"What... the ... hell...." Elyse whispered with awe. 

* * *

Brook led the Doctor and Elyse to their quarters for the night. 

"We're sleeping after all that??" Elyse worried. 

"Yeah, it'll be fine. Most of them are already getting unconscious from some expired milk." Brook said. "The night should be calm from now on."

"YAY EXPIRED MILK" said Herring the Chicken Man, running in. He placed a jar of expired milk on the table and proceeded to snort it, even though you can't snort an entire jug of expired milk.  It’s … a jug. he didn't even remove the cap or anything, he just sort of sniffed the plastic packaging at an extreme closeup. 

Having done his duty (for queen and country) he left the scene, searching out to find more expired milk (and boldly go where no chicken has gone before)

"I'm dreadfully concerned." The Doctor said. "The ship - the ship's crewmates, everyone took that attack as ludicrously deadly. If we hadn't - caught on, if your arguing hadn't distracted me from it's reality, we could have been caught in it like the rest of them and died." 

"So... This is serious then." Elyse said. 

"Deadly," The Doctor replied. "We need to talk to whoever's in charge." 

"That'd be first mate Machiavellian." Brook sighed. "He's a right brat." 

"Cool name though." The Doctor remarked. "Mildly foreboding." 

"Well, I think we should focus on figuring this all out while all of the crazy pirate people are asleep. No offense, Brook. But as soon as these guys wake up, I think we might have another psychic attack on our hands." Elyse said. 

"Smart one, Elyse. You and Brook go to communications. I want to see if the ship documented the psychic attack. Meanwhile, I'm going to go talk to this Machiavellian." The Doctor replied. 

"EXPIRED MILK" said Herring , walking in again. 

* * *

Machiavellian was a catkind, but he wasn't really a nice cat, or anything, he was a scary sort of cat. Not a tiger or a lion or anything theatrically scary, but you would look in his eyes, and even if they were normal feline eyes that might be, under certain circumstances, considered adorable, there was something off in them. Just looking you would know that he was a man who had tasted blood in his life. And being a man in authority, he rather liked that. Being the man in charge. Having a ludicrously ominous name.

He drummed his fingers on the Captain's table as he overlooked the damages from the attack. Far too many. Far too many. 

It was difficult dealing with such a rowdy crew, but of course he would manage. He had to, he had to keep everything in line. Especially since the Captain - 

The Doctor walked into the room. 

"This is my private office." Machiavellian said, and his cat eyes glared for a moment, and you could see that sort of angry glint in them.

"Yeah, but I mean, technically, it's the former captain's office." The Doctor replied. "I'm here to talk."

* * *

The communications room was a weird sort of place. While the rest of the pirate ship looked particularly antique in the best of ways, as the holograms had intended, the communications room was rather more like a 1950s or 60s radio studio. Elyse supposed that in the grand scheme of things, 200 years off wasn't that far, so mixing up the aesthetics was probably fine, the Piratekind wouldn't have known, but it still made her laugh to see a radio dish stuck in the middle of a wooden room with swords hanging on the wall and portholes and windows with thatching. 

Brook moved onto the computers. They clicked at one of the radio emitters. "Computer, state all relevant log data relating to the previous psychic attack." They grunted. 

The computer made a crescendo of strange noises that the small box had recorded. 

"Uh, what?" Elyse asked. 

Brook stood there, frozen in silence. 

"Don't tell me you got that." Elyse said, crossing her arms. "That was utter gibberish." 

Brook slowly nodded. 

Merta the Crow Woman walked in. "Hi, is this the drugs room??" Merta asked. 

"This is your ship." Elyse replied. 

"Yes, I know. Every room is the drugs room don't you know anything" Merta explained helpfully. 

"then why did you ASK," Brook whispered irritably. 

"WHAT WAS THAT," Merta squawked a little too loudly. 

"Oh, hi, Merta." Elyse said. "I think the radio's given Brook Vietnam Flashbacks." 

"Hm. That seems suspicious. Anything I can do to help?" Merta answered.

Elyse audibly snorted. 

"What?" Merta asked.

"Oh. SOrry." Elyse answered, a little sheepishly. "You - you said Sus." 

"And??" Merta said, a little offended.

"Huh?? What??" Elyse asked, still confused.

The door swung open, and Steven shrieked "Praise be the great Imposter." 

"WHAT," shrieked Elyse in hysterics. 

"Everyone be quiet -" Brook snarled. The force of their words drove everyone to silence. Brook was intense. They were never this intense. "I understood that roaring. Whatever's out there, it wants - it wants something we have. Something we did - it - it wasn't honorable, Elyse. It - It wasn't right." Brook explained through gritted teeth. They actually seemed pained by the endeavor.

"You HEARD something?? in that??" Merta cooed. "YOU MUST COME WITH ME!!"

"What?? What are you saying??!" Elyse asked. 

"hearing things is a symptom of [dun] [dun] [DUN] mercurian flu!!!" Merta snarled. "We must quarantine the sick one!!" 

Brook shrieked audibly. 

"What? No!" Elyse yelled. 

Merta began to drag Brook off. "TELL THE DOCTOR!" Brook yelled. "It's IMPORTANT!!" 

"BROOK!" Elyse shrieked. It had happened so suddenly, too. But with a snap, just like that, Brook was gone, and Elyse was alone, standing in the middle of the computer room, confused and afraid.

Part Three

Brook was shoved in the sickbay by Merta and Coale, a fierce looking crocodile-kind. With a grunt, Brook irritably fell to the floor.

Merta squawked loudly and began to remove Brook's belongings as Coale strapped them into a chair.

"I - I don't have Mercurian Flu! The symptoms are Death! and Death!! Not hearing things!! what the heck!" Brook yelled. 

"Ah, but those are only the first two symptoms!! Symptoms of Mercurian Flu include Death, Death, , sudden bounciness, the letter k,  , going insane, the slight taste of apple juice, death, being convinced your name is Arthur Dent on every second tuesday , cannibalism and more death!" Merta squeaked with triumph. 

"- what - YOU DIDN'T EVEN MENTION HEARING THINGS THAT TIME!" Brook yelled, now tied to the chair. They tried to shake free, but the clamps were now tight.

"I forgot! It is a long list, and death is on it four times!" Merta replied. "you are definitely hearing things though and also insane and I think you are vaguely bouncy!"

"what? merta. merta come on. what the fuck"

"By the way is your name Arthur Dent"

"no"

"Aw jeez I guess it isn't tuesday then thanks for the help I lost my calendar last week"

Coale and Merta strode out the door and shut it as Brook continued to fight to get free. 

* * *

The Captain's Quarters

"So, Machiavellian, I think we have a lot to talk about." The Doctor stated with a flip of her blazing red hair. "Like, for instance, the fact that you're under psychic attack, and you know, the whole bit about you seeming strangely like aware and not a space himbo like the rest of these people." 

"A position of authority befits me, Doctor. Have a seat." Machiavellian said, his cat eyes darting up and down - as if to process any sort of weakness the Doctor might possess. 

"Position of authority indeed. You're smart. And you're dealing with a psychic attack, and a disease that as far as I'm aware, doesn't exist." 

"Mercurian Flu exists." Machiavellian said. 

"Sorry, sorry!! I just - I - I can't help but feel a little ...weird, you know." The Doctor replied smartly. "You do seem rather the villainous type, at least by first impression."

"And how many people do you judge by that first impression? People being suspicious?" Machiavellian snarled. "It could become... shall we say, misleading." 

The Doctor considered. On one hand, he had a point. He could just be a red herring person, a mistake that the Doctor initially thought was responsible. She could be misjudging him. On the other hand, he was making veiled threats in italics, and was an angry cat pirate with deadly eyes who spoke in a silky smooth british accent. and was... named... machiavellian...Oh no. 

"Yeah, uh, yeah." She said, attempting to recover. "You know what? You're totes right. You're uh, definitely not evil..." The Doctor said, lying through her teeth.

Machiavellian raised an eyebrow, malevolently.

The Doctor smiled sheepishly. "I'm sorry, I've - I've been rude, I've - I've outstayed my welcome. Sorry! You seem like a - friendly person -  Well, I shall be going." 

"No, no, sit, Doctor. We have so much to discuss." Machiavellian said, his eyes flashing dangerously. 

 The Doctor snapped, turning tail and running at a sprint.

"COME BACK HERE!!" Machiavellian hissed with rage. 

* * *

The Doctor, running out of the Captain's Chambers, clambered onto the bow of the ship. Machiavellian was coming after her. Wonderful. She usually didn't make enemies this quickly. 

Clearly Machiavellian was in charge of the ship through some form of hostile takeover, and he wasn't willing to tolerate anything taking his power. That fit with some of the crew, but The Doctor had a hard time believing some of them were capable of enough intelligent thought to himbo their way into a mutiny. As if Herring and Steven were involved in an evil plot. Clearly some of them weren't involved, and some were. 

However, clearly enough of them had revolted enough to remove the Captain and a few others, using Mercurian Flu as a guise. Surprisingly, the Mercurian Flu gag was an important plot device!! 

The Doctor grabbed a door, not knowing where it went to - she just had to get out of the sight of Machiavellian, who now was chasing her with a swashbuckling sword. 

She crept inside, as Machiavellian sniffed aggressively - soon he would track down this impudent fool and kill her to death!

* * *

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM said a catkind in a spacesuit. 

OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM agreed another in religious fervor. 

She had clearly walked into what amounted for this centuries' equivalent of a Church Chapel. A small panel of window was all you could get on a ship like this, but a Stained glass portal depicting many squat figures was the centerpiece of the room. Inside the room knelt 13 catkind in space suits of different colors, each beneath a vast statue of a cartoonized spacesuit in their respective color. 

"ALL HAIL THE GREAT IMPOSTER. ALL HAIL THE SUSSIEST BAKA." Led the Red Crewmate. 

"ALL HAIL SUSSY" 

"ALL HAIL SUSSY"

The Doctor decided to risk death and leave the room instead of hiding there. It was the much preferable option. 

* * *

Luckily, the next room was a normal hallway closet that the Doctor was thoroughly capable of hiding in. Machiavellian wouldn't find her in here, unless of course, he had X-Ray vision. Which would be mildly inconvienient, because really X-Ray vision is sort of the shittiest. You think it would have like, horny potential, but no, you just see bones all the time and like perspective is all wack. Which is why it ranked rather lower on the super power list, right next to invisibility, because if you're invisible your eyes have no way to percieve light and you're in fact, effectively blind and so what's the point with that one too, really. 

The Doctor wasn't sure why she was thinking about various super powers and why they were in fact lame, but she had started now and wasn't going to stop, so she decided to think about how super strength is also sort of irrelevant because everyone has super strength for some reason after one training montage so really that one was bad too. 

Hopefully Machiavellian had passed by now. At least she hoped. She knelt down slowly, putting her eye to the keyhole in the closet and decided to risk it. 

The Doctor came out of the closet. 

* * *

 "DOCTOR, DOCTOR!!" shrieked Elyse, who was suddenly running down the hallway looking for the Doctor and by sheer coincidence had found her at that exact location because reality is really just a list of improbabilities. 

"Elyse! What's going on!?" The Doctor asked. 

"Brook has been kidnapped! They have the Mercurian Flu! The symptoms are-" 

"Mercurian Flu doesn't exist." The Doctor clarified.

"OH MY GOD, I TOLD YOU!" Elyse yelled. "NOTHING LIVES ON MERCURY!!”

“Don’t be so sure.” The Doctor answered. “I’ve seen some shit.” 

“Are you from Mercury??” Elyse asked meekly. 

The Doctor didn’t answer, because telling the truth that the Timeless Child is actually from Mercury would destroy 59 years of canon. “Look, Elyse, It's totally like a fake captain mutiny! and I know who's behind it! Guess who?”

The Doctor and Elyse said "Merta" and "Machiavellian" at exactly the same time, and then paused awkwardly. 

Elyse looked at the Doctor for a few seconds. "...Um, yeah I definitely meant to say Machiavellian. I ... uh, totally know who that is. Like, he's Machia-ing all those Vellies! We uh . .. . gotta stop him?? ? ?" 

"Wow Elyse you're so smart." The Doctor agreed, because Elyse was smart. 

"Yeah. Totally. Hey, um, can we break into the sickbay with the sonic screwdriver?" Elyse asked. 

"I'm trying not to use that." The Doctor replied. "It makes things less fun."

 

"We're being chased by alien animal pirates on a pirate ship in space and you don't want to unlock a door?? Doctor, there's a high chance we're gonna die if we don't unlock it-" 

"Like I said, less fun!" The Doctor said, smashing the Sonic Screwdriver in two for literally no reason. 

"What the fuck" 

"Yeah. I don't like the sonic screwdriver anymore. Now I use a sonic lockpick that has a completely identical function." The Doctor explained. 

A pop-up ad that said you too can buy your own sonic lockpick for 24.99 appeared on the screen. 

"It's definitely not to sell props." The Doctor clarified. 

The pop-up remained there.

Elyse sighed. "...okay but like we can still save Brook from being locked in the sickbay right"

* * *

As the episode segued to the following scene, the pop-up ad stubbornly refused to leave, even though it was a one off joke that probably wasn’t very funny. Especially since the story isn’t a story in a visual medium, it’s effectiveness as a joke was surprisingly thin, but it still sort of stood there, taking up half the episode’s screen.

The other half of the screen was Brook - they were trapped within the confines of the shackles. Still stuck within the dark sickbay. 

Brook tried to shake free of the shackles once more.

"You aren't gonna break those." whispered a voice in the shadows. 

"What?? who's there??" Brook said nervously. “The only thing I can see is a giant pop up ad advertising officially Licensed Doctor Who sonic lock picks. Can someone click off it? Please?” 

The ad remained, continuing to encroach on existence in its insidious manner. 

"Oh yeah uh it's me Captain Cheryl. Once Machiavellian took over, he um, well,  They . don't pay the lighting bills. I am constantly covered in ominous shadow. but I'm not evil, I promise." 

A squeakier voice from Agnes the mouse came out of the shadows to the right. "Brook seriously it's us. We've been locked up by Machiavellian for daring to speak out against him. Everyone else on board either works for Machiavellian or hasn't noticed our disappearance because they are very dumb” 

“Wow this is surprising to me, but not the reader since this information has already been deduced by the Doctor and Elyse.” Brook stated, surprised. 

“Your meta knowledge is strong, young one. You may have a chance yet to rescue us.” Captain Cheryl intoned. 

Brook managed to wrench free of the shackles. It smashed with a loud bang. “Hey, look, I broke those.” Brook said, a little surprised. “They aren’t like… metal? I would have thought they were high quality.”

“We were gonna get metal, but security was high. We raided a Costco instead.” Captain Cheryl nodded. The lights came on due to motion detectors. Brook gasped to see Captain Cheryl and Agnes’ hideously deformed faces. 

“By the name of the Sus-Meister!” Brook exclaimed, a common space pirate oath. “What did they do to you?!” 

“They kidnapped us. And locked us up.. . At the masked mixer we had last month…” Cheryl said weakly. Indeed, now that Brook looked she could see that their faces were plastic masks, that were easily removed. They looked completely fine.

“NO!” Brook exclaimed. No. Surely Machiavellian could not fall so low. The Masked Mixer of the great Pirates was a sacred time. To dare gaslight gatekeep and girlboss  on the blessed proceedings was a crime beyond name. Machiavellian had become a stereotypically evil madman, true chaotic evil beyond redemption! He had to be stopped!! 

Suddenly the ship shook. Just when things seemed like they couldn’t get any worse….it was another psychic attack!! 

Part Four

The Doctor and Elyse sonic lockpicked the gate to the sickbay. 

“BROOK, WE’RE HERE TO HELP!!” Yelled The Doctor. 

“[…]” added Elyse, so thinly characterized that their paragraphs were being slowly erased by an eldritch monstrosity beyond time. 

“Why did you just say ‘brackets dot dot dot close brackets’ what the fuck Elyse” Brook yelled in confusion. 

“Look, I - I’m close to figuring this out. I just need one more piece of information. It’s a mystery, it’s probably hidden in like some random line or whatever.” The Doctor said. 

Brook irritably closed the pop-up ad. “ALRIGHT BOYS, GIRLS, AND NOT. LET’S GO PUNCH MACHIAVELLIAN.” 

“Isn’t that kind of brash?” 

“I AM ANGRY,” said Brook. 

“Oo o oo h.   N o.   I. Am.  Under attack. . . “ said Agnes. 

“It’s psychic, it’s not real.” The Doctor said dismissively. 

“Aaa a a aah. H h h “   Said Agnes. 

“She was previously unaffected, the attacks are getting stronger,” Elyse noticed. 

The Doctor suddenly lit up. “Then we need to move.”

* * *

No one could come up with a better plan yet, so they decided on Brook’s plan to punch Machiavellian and hope that that was like. Gonna work. 

As the four of them moved up onto the deck, and closer once more to the Captain’s Cabin, Merta appeared, fluttering down from above.

“AVAST YE, MOTHERFUCKERS. THE ONLY WAY ONE CAN PASS IS BY ANSWERING MY RIDDLES THREE.”

“…I swear to god,” The Doctor mumbled, opening google on her smartphone. 

“WHEN IS A PEARL NOT A PEARL,” squawked Merta, laughing a diabolical bird laugh. 

“When it’s a massive psychic dragon egg.” The Doctor answered. 

“What.” 

“That’s what google says.” 

“…Okay, well. I mean. I don’t have a punishment or anything, like, I didn’t say answer them right or wrong, I said answer them, so I suppose that’s fine.” 

“By that logic, Turnips, and Rodents. Three answers. Let us pass!” Elyse exclaimed. 

“…well, I mean, I didn’t even say the other two, but..” Merta tittered.

“THERE ISN’T A PUNISHMENT, WE ANSWERED THEM, COME ON.” Elyse said, pushing Merta over. 

“I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE, SPIDER-MAN!!!!!” Merta screamed, as she fell over and they moved on. 

* * *

They reached the Captain’s Chambers door. 

“A Pearl is not a Pearl when it’s a massive dragon egg…” The Doctor mused. 

“What’s up?” Cheryl asked. 

“Didn’t all this trouble start, the psychic attacks… around when that pearl you got from that planet came on board?” The Doctor asked. “What if Machiavellian isn’t behind the psychic attacks? What if he’s just a rude nasty person? … and What does God need with a starship?” She finished, referencing Star Trek V. 

“The Pearl is a psychic dragon Egg!” Cheryl realized. 

“Bingo!” The Doctor agreed, but secretly she still didn’t know what God needed from a starship. “We explain this to Machiavellian calmly, and well, the ship’s problems will end. He just needs to give up the Egg Pearl.”

“I will never do that, Doctor!” Said Machiavellian, opening the door dramatically. “I am too campy evil and one dimensional to DARE concede to your weakness!”

A giant psychic space dragon appeared on the ship’s port bow. 

The Doctor realized. It’s psychic energy has reached its zenith, and finally it was able to communicate. Finally, the Dragon was able to tell them what was going on, rather than it’s previous poor attempts that resulted in the  psychic attacks. 

Brook fell to their knees. It was the Egg-Pearl’s Mommy. And it was pissed. What would you do if you witnessed the equivalent of a giant space dragon of unimaginable psychic power? The equivalent of a god? What does god need with a starship? 

Egg Pearl is what god needs with a starship.

* *  GIVE ME THE CHILD. * *  The Giant Space Dragon of unimaginable Psychic Power said. 

Machiavellian sort of . Just stood there. “No,” he said, wanting money and egg Pearl more than he had common sense. Real cartoon villain hours.

“You have to give it back!” Cheryl declared. 

“No, I’m acting Captain, and you’re-“ he said, cruelly gesturing at Cheryl. “Still unfit to serve!” 

“Then we’ll fight for it!” Cheryl declared. “Under subsection Whatever the fuck, I challenge you to a duel for your rank!!” 

The silence was palpable, and deadly. Everything was dangerously still. 

Even the giant psychic dragon mommy just sort of sat there, patiently waiting for a move to occur. 

“…subsection whatever the fuck?” Machiavellian asked confused.

“You’ll find it under the header for what to do if your acting Captain’s a bastard!!!” Cheryl declared, drawing her sword. 

Oh, it was on. 

* * *

As the epic music continued to play, and the tension rose, the two of them clattered their swords to the floor and then proceeded to play a round of go fish, as was the way to resolve all Piratical disagreements. 

“FOUR ACES!!” Exclaimed Cheryl. 

“THAT’S BULLSHIT! THAT’S BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW IT!! THAT’S NOT EVEN HOW YOU PLAY GO FISH!!” Machiavellian exclaimed.

“Read em and weep,” Cheryl replied, punching Machiavellian out. 

The Doctor and Co. applauded, and the crew surrounded them, joyously parading around Cheryl. Her comically cartoonish Captain hat was placed upon her head, and she placed two eye-patches over her two perfectly okay eyes. All was well. And then -

** GIVE ME THE CHILD ** The Giant Space Dragon of Unimaginable Power said, intensely. 

Steven appeared, and he rolled the Egg Pearl out of the treasure hoard. The smiley face drawn on it in felt marker was dull and smeared. 

With that, the dragon nodded a majestic nod, taking the eggpearl with great gratitude. It turned, and flapped it’s enormous wings, and the giant space dragon moved away from the giant space pirate ship with a mutual respect.

“Well, that’s that, I suppose.” The Doctor said, moving off to the TARDIS. “Mutiny foiled, all’s well that end’s well, only a few people are dead or traumatized, it’s a win win.” 

Elyse nodded, cheerfully. She skipped off, and then she turned around, realizing something suddenly.

“Oh, wait, um… Brook? Are you ..staying here?” Elyse asked. 

“I’d be happy to have a new first mate,” Cheryl offered. 

Elyse sighed. Well, that was probably it then. It would feel weird travelling with the Doctor without Brook - even if it had been only two days so far. Two mad, ridiculous days.

Brook didn’t seem to consider very hard. The rules of the companion were set in stone. “No, I’m coming with you guys.” They called. They turned to the Captain. “At least, as long as you fellas don’t have another weird ass mutiny thing when I’m gone.” They said with a wink.

Cheryl nodded. “I think we’ll manage.” 

Brook smiled. “Okay then.” They said, happily. “Hey, Doc! Can you give me a sec to pack my bags!!” 

Elyse smiled, looking at the Doctor. They had a long way to go yet. 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Eleanor Tomlinson as The Doctor

Clare Hope-Ashitey as Elyse

Indya Moore as Brook

Freddie Stroma As Steven

Sam Witwer As Machiavellian 

Patricia Quinn As Merta

Rachel Atkins As Cheryl

Anne Reid As Agnes

Alex Hirsh As Herring