NCBBDAS: The Cabbage Awakes!
NCBBDAS: The Cabbage Awakes!
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton and Rinko Kikuchi
* * *
“We’re going to go to Planet Cabbage!” The Doctor blustered, adjusting her hat heroically and swaying about the console room inputting the coordinates.
“Not Planet Cabbage,” Sarah sighed grumpily.
“Planet Cabbage!” The Doctor reiterated, bouncing up and down. “70% Cabbage, 30% Planet! For all your Cabbage and Planet related needs! Plus, Dani, you’ve sort of been awkwardly shuffled off with Sarah for most of Oh Flux, we need bonding time for our characters to interact!”
“Well, I’m sold.” Danieru said, now earnestly excited to go to Planet Cabbage. “But not because of the bonding time. Because of the cabbage.”
The TARDIS ground to a stop, wheezing into silence.
“Come on, pet!” The Doctor smirked with elation. “Let’s go!”
* * *
The Doctor stepped outside to the sound of gunfire and children screaming in agony. It was a burning hellscape, an apocalypse beyond words.
“What the fuck,” screeched Danieru.
“Ah, sorry, luv. We appear to have materialized into the Cabbage Genocide.” The Doctor explained. “Billions of innocent Cabbage were graphically murdered in the most agonizing death you can possibly conceive of, most going mad from the pain long before they died.”
“Yo, cool.” Sarah Connor said. “Something interesting is happening on Planet Cabbage for once.”
“You’ve been here before?” Danieru asked for clarification as the fires around them continued to burn, and innocent screams rang out into the night.
“Yeah. We come here every week.” Sarah sighed dejectedly. “What, did you think earth is the only planet the Doctor really likes? It’s one of the better ones.”
“I won’t apologize for liking planet cabbage,” The Doctor sighed.
“Well, I don’t.” said Sarah. “Anyway, interesting things are going on for once. Come on! Let’s check out the cabbage race war!”
“I don’t think either of you two understand. This is a very serious topic.” The Doctor tried to explain, walking after Sarah and Danieru. “Like, I - I don’t think we should do this. This is completely off our remit for a comedy series. Like, we don’t do comedy stories about genocides. It’s not an okay thing to do.”
Sarah Connor, The Doctor and Danieru watched as a hysterical cabbage woman ran up to them. “PLEASE! PLEASE, HELP ME! I DIDN’T - I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, OH GOD, PLEASE” she said, before a Cabbage Man ran up behind her and severed her entire Cabbage body in two with a massive chainsaw. She screamed in agony as Cabbage blood sprayed everywhere all over The Doctor, Sarah and Danieru.
“AAARRGRRGRGRGRHRHHHHHHHHH,” her cabbage screams rang out, and then there was nothing but dark, bleak, cabbage silence.
“Oh, bloody hell…. that was horrible,” The Doctor said, tears streaming down her face as she looked at the cabbage woman’s prone cabbage body.
“CABBAGE,” said the Cabbage, brandishing his chainsaw.
“THAT WAS THE MOST METAL THING I HAVE EVER SEEN.” said Sarah Connor. “WHAT’S YOUR NAME, RAD CABBAGE DUDE?”
“CABBAGE,” replied Cabbage.
“They’re all named that.” The Doctor whispered.
Sarah Connor got down on one knee. “Mr. Cabbage, would you do me the honor of being my cabbage husband?”
* * *
“What? What? What?!?!” Screamed The Doctor, being fitted for her bridal gown by a cabbage seamstress.
They were preparing for the Cabbage Wedding of a Generation, a marriage of two worlds, between Sarah Connor, an icon from the Terminator films and a Cabbage War Criminal who ate babies. Like, he literally did that. Had them with some scones and some sparkling water at tea time.
The Doctor wasn’t really much of a wine aunt, but she was starting to see the appeal. The reception was in a week, and she was in hysterics. Worse still, she was the Best Cabbage. Which is Best Man/Woman but for Cabbage People.
Danieru stood off to one side, dismissively. “I mean, like, you must have seen this coming, right?”
“Sarah - god, why’d she have to be so - ugh, Sarah! She’s being VERY in character right now, but well, I’m seriously disappointed. Oh, she’s always been naive, and so I, I tried to guide her, she’s my best mate! And now she’s engaged to a feckin’ cabbage maniac and is swept up into his evil cabbage ways!” The Doctor sighed.
Danieru chuckled.
“Do you seriously think it’s funny just because the word Cabbage is in front of it?” The Doctor snapped.
“You’ve got to admit, it is ….absurd.” Danieru answered. “Everything here is just like earth except the word cabbage is in front of everything and people are cabbage. It’s sort of ridiculous.”
“You’re honestly telling me you think Cabbage Cancer is funny?” The Doctor screeched. “Cabbage Racism? Cabbage World War?”
“I do, and I’m tired of pretending it’s not,” said Cabbage Joker.
“Go away, Cabbage Joker.” The Doctor snapped.
“We cabbage in a society” said Cabbage Joker, walking off morosely.
“You see my point, don’t you though?” Danieru replied to the Doctor. “Sarah’s always existed in her own little world. She’s programmed that way. Literally. She’s an Android based on a corrupted copy of the Terminator films, and I think mostly Terminator Genisys. She doesn’t really have white and black morality, more ‘wow, isn’t this funny,’ morality.” Danieru said.
“I can’t stand it, personally.” The Doctor said. She rejected the fourth wedding dress, and gestured for the seamstress to buzz off. She’d be much happier in a dirty petticoat than one of those things. She didn’t dress up well. “It’s not love, it’s her latest joke.”
“They’re adorable together.” Danieru said. “Like, objectively. They have a lot in common. I don’t think it’s a flash in the pan.”
“Don’t get all hoity-toity at me when this episode ends up rehashing the plot to Frozen.” The Doctor quipped.
“I think that the reason you’re so mad right now, is she reminds you of what you used to be like.” Said Danieru. “When I met you, you were a completely different woman. You probably had fourteen Las Vegas Marriages.”
“Seventeen,” The Doctor said ashamedly, sipping from the wine glass some more.
“Let’s face it. Doctor. This isn’t my first trip in the TARDIS. I know you a lot better than you think. You couldn’t teach you anything back then - And morality only mattered to you back then when it was a big dramatic season finale. She’s the same way. Sarah isn’t thinking clearly right now because she’s acting like her old role model. She looks up to you.” Danieru said.
“Stop psychoanalyzing me, Luv, you need fifty more College degrees for that.” The Doctor said, in a foul mood. “Anyway, when’d you get so smart?”
“Take a wild guess.” Danieru smirked.
* * *
The Rehearsal for the Wedding Reception was later that night.
“So. There’s a problem.” The Doctor said, looking over the sheet of guest names they had Come up with. “Most of our friends are dead.”
“Really?” Danieru asked.
“Yeah, most of them. Especially mine. Me and Sarah work in the same circles.” The Doctor nodded. “But this is the fifty-first century, so I’ve come up with a solution.” She paused, waiting for Danieru to say something.
Danieru respectfully gestured for her to keep going.
“So,” The Doctor continued, “I’ve sort of built some androids and imprinted the personalities of the side characters from the Terminator films to replace, you know, all the dead people in her life.”
“That’s… that’s either really sweet or massively insensitive.” Danieru smiled. Thank goodness it was Sarah, so either option would work.
“We’ve also invited the allotted amount of continuity this episode is allowed to have.” The Doctor said. “But I’m worried about… the other side of the marriage, still.”
“Doctor…” Danieru sighed. “You can’t stop Sarah from being in love with a cabbage maniac!”
“No, no, I know that. I respect her, don’t I? No, I’m worried about the cabbage maniac’s relatives.” The Doctor said. “I don’t trust the cabbage Nazi in-laws!”
“Are you really sure about that, Doctor?” Danieru asked. “I know you respect Sarah… but you don’t usually respect her choices…”
* * *
SCP-001 “Sarah Connor’s Wedding Rehearsal”
Class: Mega Keter
Special Containment Procedures: The aftermath of nuclear radiation from the proceedings shall be cordoned off. Amnestic will be prescribed to all those present at the rehearsal. Further attempts to recreate the events of SCP-001 will be dealt with utilizing maximum force.
Description: An Android self identifying as “Sarah Connor from The Terminator films” had a Wedding Rehearsal on Planet Cabbage that proved deleterious to the fabric of spacetime, and reality itself. Several Parallel Universes were destroyed by Sarah Connor’s Wedding Guests, an anomalous institution including the physical manifestation of Skynet, The Scarlet King, and a man named Fred who is apparently “Satan’s Cousin.” The Song “Day after Day” by the artist Badfinger continues to play in an anomalous loop in the impact crater of SCP-001. Listening to the song for more than thirty seconds will send you back in time to the moment of the Wedding Rehearsal’s occurrence, which will result in instant death.
Inexplicably, the majority of guests remain unharmed from the effects of SCP-001, including [REDACTED], Sarah Connor herself and guest Danieru De-Vito.
Ultimately, the effects of SCP-001 will spread into our own universe, which will be destroyed in the “year five billion, you know, with all of the future-kind, and utopia and Lady Me from Hell Bent and stuff,” as stated by Sarah Connor, who apologizes profusely and promises to “bring less Red Bull next time.”
* * *
“Wow! I sure don’t remember anything that happened at the Wedding Rehearsal haha!” Sarah Connor exclaimed. “Minus us being told that if the actual wedding isn’t billions of times more chill the universe will be destroyed haha”
“Woah boy I sure don’t either, it’s almost like the SCP foundation was just canonized in the NCJDDAS verse!” Danieru concurred.
“Naw, that’d be ridiculous, luv. That would never happen.” The Doctor said, chewing on a cookie. “Anyway, ceremony wise, I think we need to tone it down a bit.”
“Yeah, fine. Uninvite the Scarlet King, whatever,” Sarah replied dismissively. “I’m just excited for the happiest day of my life!!”
Happiest day of her life, the Doctor nodded. Fine. She’d be supportive.
Even if this was probably the end.
“You do realize, that unless they’re Amy and Rory, she doesn’t take married couples aboard the TARDIS, though, right?” Danieru asked.
Sarah bit her lip. “What?”
The subject had been broached. Damn. The Doctor grunted. Placed her head to her hands.
“I - I was gonna make an exception, wasn’t I?” She offered.
“Aw, thank you, Doctor! You’re the best!” Said Sarah, skipping off.
“…Are you?” Danieru asked in a deadpan manner.
“I - I’ll figure it out!” The Doctor squeaked defensively.
* * *
Vortex manipulators began to with a beep and a flash, materialize the Wedding guests on the front venue. At first they were some of the Cabbage relatives. Then some friends.
“Lottie?” The Doctor grinned happily. “I didn’t know they invited you!!”
“Yeah, well, wasn’t like I was doing much beyond devising new theoretical physics that could transform reality as we know it.” Leticia ‘Lottie’ Palaver said with a smile. “Wouldn’t miss Sarah’s big day for the world.”
“Happy to hear it.” The Doctor choked.
“Hey, are you alright?” Lottie asked.
“I’m fine.” The Doctor replied, bitterly.
“Empty Nest Syndrome’s a bitch, huh?” Lottie joked.
The Doctor sighed. “Oh, you have no idea.”
* * *
“CABBAGE MAWWAGE,” said the Priest from the Princess Bride, except he’s a cabbage. “CABBAGE MAWWAGE IS WOT BWINGS US TOGEDER TODAY. THAT BWISSFUL CABBAGE AWWANGEMENT. THAT DWEAM WITHIN A DWEAM THAT IS MOWSTLY CABBAGE,” He continued on, until Arnold Schwarzenegger shot him in the head with a shotgun and took the stage. “Sar-ah Con-nor!” Arnold Schwarzenegger said. “I’m the priest now.
The Cabbage stood by the altar. Sarah stopped in the room - she wasn’t wearing the white dress that was so traditional, but she was still stunning. She had a young face again - Danieru supposed that being an Android, she could swap them out - and wore the pink dolally dress she wore in the first film. She carried a ceremonial gun. So did Cabbage.
She stepped forward, down the aisle. Slowly. One step at a time.
The Doctor couldn’t manage it. The Doctor was rubbish at goodbyes, anyway. She slipped out the door while no one was looking. Danieru was a better best woman anyway.
Sarah was the only one who saw her go.
The Doctor just went on. She only meant to go out for fresh air, but she kept walking, and walking, and walking, and she didn’t really stop until she was parading back to the TARDIS. She didn’t really mean to, but she just kept going.
Arnold Schwarzenegger began with the vows. “Do you, Cabbage, take Sar-ah Con-nor as your lawfully wedded wife?”
“Cabbage.” Said Cabbage.
“That is a yes, then.” Arnold continued. “Do you, Sarah Connor -“
Sarah looked at Cabbage. And she wasn’t thinking about him at all. It was a joke. It was all a joke. She was thinking about the years she had travelled with the Doctor. Every lesson that she had been taught. How she always thought the Doctor kept trying to manipulate her, and -
No, manipulation wasn’t the word. It was mentor. The Doctor was a mentor. Trying to make her a better person. Oh, fuck, Sarah realized with a sigh.
She had succeeded.
Damn it. Why’d she have to be mature all of a sudden? But - god, it was right, wasn’t it? It really was. She knew what she had to do. Sarah knelt down and placed the gun on the floor. “I don’t.” She said.
She looked around as she realized she had sort of ruined the whole thing.
Hundreds of people were looking at her, face to face, cabbage relatives and old friends, and basically if you excluded all the cabbages - they were the people that mattered.
Sarah shrugged. Well, she was going to be a good person now, and not shoot anybody.
Hm. How would the Doctor get out of this, necessarily?
Sarah Connor opened her mouth to speak.
Can't believe ive been left on a cabbage hanger
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