The Great Sontaran War

 The Great Sontaran War by James Goss

This may just be the first James Goss stinker. Not just the first James Goss Torchwood stinker, but I think, actually the first one in general. That goes to show how triumphant a writer he is, so I will preface this review by saying that I surely wouldn't want him to take anything I have to say about this to heart, as he's bloody brilliant. I do doubt that he'd ever encounter my tiny little website though, so, well, go figure. May as well be honest.

This is half an hour of an idea. Perhaps twenty minutes. There is only so much Sontaran comedy shenanigans one can endure before it does indeed become grating. There's some good material here, thematically about Kreg and his views on warriors, humanity and it's weakness, the moral excesses of capitalism, and of course, Cats. Like I said, good material. Good short story material, good short trips material. However, it all goes on for 75 minutes. The gags become too long, too frequent, too expected. You can feel the pregnant pause before Major Kreg says something socially unacceptable, and to be fair, Major Kreg essentially amounts to budget Strax. I don't have too much against funny Sontarans, and I certainly get annoyed when the Sontarans are used exclusively as mindless war creatures in the vein of Klingons. The best Sontaran stories, be they be by Chris Chibnall or John Dorney or Robert Holmes, use this balance that makes the characters work. Strax is a buffoon, but he is not every Sontaran. It's also a story that actually, genuinely, has nothing to do with Torchwood. 

You could substitute Ianto in this story, with, say, Osgood from UNIT, or a Sarah Jane Adventures character, or any really well meaning and mild mannered figure from anywhere in the entire Whoniverse. Ianto is just the person who shows up occasionally to mentor Major Kreg, so he's not even really in this one an enormous amount. It really could genuinely be anyone, from Charlotte Pollard to Lady Christina that has decided that Major Kreg should learn what it's like to be a human or whatever. 

The ultimate result of the story is that it is cute, and that is the kindest thing I can say to it. Grand Marshall Cat is the story's best joke, and best character work. It's the most believable and earnest part of a Sontaran living in a Caravan Park, and little things like this, like Kreg's monologue on the nature of Pets, the only essentially real lesson that I can say he learns, are the best thing about it. Ianto being told he views Kreg as a pet is quite nice too, until the one good bit of drama we've gotten in seventy five minutes is quickly rescinded. I like the stuff about pets, essentially. That's all the good stuff I have to say. 

Major Kreg's character arc surrounding Mr. Higgins especially is incredibly predictable. Every character is predictable. Ianto is irrelevant, and actually somewhat boring for once, a character that is usually treated so well in Big Finish is utterly empty and reminding me of his season one self here. While Dan Starkey really is trying, he's a hell of a performer, I just really don't think that a Sontaran can carry an entire audio like this. There's no balance. There's no moment that's not funny-ha-ha. They constantly bring up The Great Sontaran War throughout the audio, and you keep expecting these arc words, the title of the story, to have a payoff. But it doesn't mean anything, it truly doesn't. It's the same Rutan Sontaran war there's always been - there's no thematic resonance, no lesson to be learned. We hear that The Great Sontaran War was started because of capitalism treating people inequally, we hear it was started because Sontarans are strong and the weak must die, we hear that it was started for every reason under the sun, and ultimately, it doesn't amount to anything thematically, because well, Kreg doesn't know why it started, no one does. Which yeah, fits with lore, but is hell of a weak conclusion for an episode. 

For a series that does so much experimentation, I assumed another clanker like this was gonna come out of the Torchwood Main Range eventually, but the surprising thing is that it doesn't feel experimental in any way - The Great Sontaran War feels like a story that's been told a thousand times over. There's no thematic connection with Torchwood whatsoever, there's no anything. The Great Sontaran War is not an experiment - it's the reason I get so happy when Mr. Colchester or Norton or Queen Victoria shows up in the Torchwood range. It's because it's new, it's variety, and this is, well, to be frank, anti-variety. It's the ultimate meaning of been done before - it was done better by Dave Rudden in 10 pages. It was done better by the Paternoster Gang audios, one of Big Finish's weakest series. It's been done. And to be honest, I'm done discussing it. Skip if possible. 4/10