NCBBDAS: Ruinous Time

 

NCBBDAS: Ruinous Time

An Anthology Of Five Tales
The Tale of The Tale by Plum Pudding
So You Want To Change Time Illegally By Clara_Fan
Inherit The Earth By Nacho
The Spider Cut by Ali 
The Children by Plum Pudding

Starring John Culshaw, Colin Baker, Christopher Eccleston, Judi Dench, and Brenda Blethyn 

The Children (Part One)

"Sit back everyone," The Doctor began. "I'm going to tell you all some stories."

"Are they nice stories?" The Children asked. 

"Some of them are nice." The Doctor replied. "Some of them are sad." 

"I don't like sad stories." One of the children said, sadly. 

"Well, I'm sorry about that, poppet." The Doctor said in response. "But the world isn't always safe." She held the child close. 

Thunder rolled outside.

"I'm scared." One of the Children said.

The Doctor nodded, and looked out the bunker window. The rain fell, and the thunder struck. Ever so often, the ground would shake from a falling bomb. "We'll be safe here, at least for now. Now come on, pet. Everything will be alright...it always turns out okay in the end." 

The children nodded solemnly. 

"Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin..." 

The Tale Of The Tale 

Peri sat at a cheap wooden chair that she had dragged in from one of the TARDIS's side rooms, directly beside the console. The Doctor was moving in a joyful, sedate, manner around the console, clearly at peace with his own thoughts (at least for the moment). Peri was unsure whether to broach a subject, he seemed so utterly, well, not manic. Eventually, the Doctor turned to her. "The Time has come that I must tell you a tale, my dear Peri," he said. This being a tale in of itself, Peri was not quite sure how to react - narration inside narration can often be a tricky thing grammatically. He seemed to pause for her input - a rare thing, Peri realized, and she replied with a mild, "oh, sure." 

"Oh, sure?" The Doctor rollicked in protest. "Oh, sure?!?" 

Oh, now she had done it - although she wasn't quite convinced as to what she had done. "I'm sorry, Doctor, what would you have me say?" She asked.

"Hm, a sense, of, well, exuberance, would suffice." The Doctor replied, as pompous as usual. "The information I am about to impart may prove to be incredibly important - as a matter of fact, even bordering on the dangerous - and the least you can say is, 'Oh, sure.'" 

"I'm sorry, Doctor," Peri replied. "But you didn't actually give me a lot to go on! I'm sure I would have given a more...appropriate response if I had only been slightly aware as to what you're talking about!"

"I'm talking about Llamas." The Doctor said, gravely serious. 

"Llamas??" Peri laughed. "I'm sorry, Llamas?!" 

"Llamas," The Doctor reiterated. "And potentially dangerous ones too. I'm receiving a strange sort of signal from some kind of location, embroiled in what appears to be distress! A distress signal, if you will, Peri."

"I'm sorry, wasn't this about a tale?" 

The Doctor looked appalled. "It is," He said, gruffly. "I'm getting there." 

"Well, do your trace-the-distress-signal thing, won't you?" Peri said, adversely. "And could you explain what this whole tale thing is about, really?"

The Doctor paused. "I'm sorry. We do seem to be getting on each other's nerves. Um, well, the tale is about these very same Llamas." 

"Getting on each other's nerves?!" Peri interrupted. "What are you trying to say, Doctor!? Ever since you regenerated you've been positively-" 

"Hmm..." The Doctor paused. "Peri, hold on."

"Hold on? Hold on, Doctor, I'm sorry, but I don't like to be treated like this!" Peri barked. 

"I don't very much care for all of this adversarial nature either!" The Doctor snapped back. They paused, and he continued to input coordinates into the navigation system. Then he tripped.

"What? What's going on," Peri blurted, as she too, began to fall about the TARDIS control room. The TARDIS shook like mad, and soon they were almost forced onto the TARDIS's walls as it spun onto it's side somehow. Peri grunted. The Doctor's hat stand slammed into a wall and the bright colors went flying. On the TARDIS's fiberglass-like floors, Peri noted a green blob of slime segmented upon the TARDIS console's base. Peri strained her eyes to see it more closely as the manic gravity shook them across the room. 

"Doctor, what is that?" 

"I don't know!" The Doctor yelled. "I must have slammed my head into something, I'm seeing nothing but color everywhere!"

"Your coat's flipped over your head," Peri informed him, as the TARDIS continued to shake. 

"So it has," The Doctor grumbled, flipping it back over. "Peri, I think it might be time to hold onto something!" 

As Peri pulled herself onto a roundel, the Doctor desperately reached for the TARDIS's console. He could just nearly make it, and eventually snapped off the green insectoid thing, about the size of a stapler, but gelatinous and possibly a reused prop from Horror of Fang Rock, from the console. At this, the TARDIS's console reverted itself to the normal flat interior, and with effort, Peri and The Doctor pulled themselves up to their normal height. Peri's cheap wooden chair was in splinters. 

"Doctor, what is that?" Peri asked. 

"Hmm? Oh, yes, this!" The Doctor said, slapping it against his coat almost affectionately. "This is a Greeble insectoid. Ah, yes, Peri, this might just be the thing..." He mumbled about the console for a moment. 

"Doctor, explain!" Peri said impatiently. 

"Mm, ah, Peri, I'm sorry." The Doctor replied. "This is a temporal parasite - capable of literally feeding off the energies of negative emotion, and exemplifying it."

"What!?" 

"Oh, this little bugger here has been making us incredibly annoyed at eachother. Who knows how long it's been making us aggravated. Good thing you found it too, it was eating up so much energy that the TARDIS was momentarily set off course." 

"But how did it get here?" Peri asked, finding this hard to understand. 

"That's the temporal bit. It appears to have been...sent. Complete with the energy being sent as well... to a source in the future!" 

"What?"

* * *

An incarnation down the line, the Doctor was lying on the floor, applying something to the console. "Ace!" He squeaked. "Come over here!" 

"Golly, what is it, professor?" Ace asked, leaning down to the Doctor. 

"I've realized, Ace. In order to stop the Colifin from destrrrrroying the galaxy, we're going to need a severrrrrre amount of energy." The Doctor growled. 

"Well, yeah, I figured that, professor. But where are we getting it?" 

"I've set a temporal insect to siphon the negative energy of my previous self's television stories and send them here, in order to stop the Colifin." 

"What? Why would you do that?"

"Because I remember doing it," The Doctor said gravely. 

"I'm sorry, can you explain?"

"Well to do that, I would have to explain a verrrrrrrrrry long tale. It concerns Llamas." 

The Children (Part Two)

"That was a confusing story," said a particular child, sucking his thumb. 

"Well, I suppose it would be if you don't know who any of my friends were. Minus you lot." The Doctor said. She fought her worries, and took off her scarf, wrapping it around one of the children's shoulders. "Perhaps some context would have been better. But we don't have much time."

"What do you mean?" A child whimpered. 

The Doctor bit her nails. "Look, loves. I'm trying to get a point across, this isn't some kind of Looney Toons thing, it's educational." 

"Educat-" One of the kids struggled to pronounce. 

"You'll get it all in due time. Just try to remember." The Doctor got up. "Grab your blankets. It's time to move on." 

"Move on? It's scary outside!" The Eldest Whimpered. "There are bombs!" He was the only one old enough to understand what bombs really were. And far too young to know about them. At this age, he should have been frolicking in the green grass, playing in the fields with sticks and rocks. 

The Doctor stood by the doorway, and she opened it, out into the dark field, illuminated by flashes of fire in the distance. "You're right. There are bombs. And one of them will destroy this bunker in ten minutes. I'm getting you kids to safety. Because I'm the Doctor, and this is what I do. You won't understand at the moment, but you're young enough to remember, and someday you will all understand what I'm saying. Come on."

The children got up, and they followed. Five children. The Doctor thought. She was only going to be able to save five. She hoped that would be enough.

They moved away from the bunker as the bombs fell.

* * *

They moved across the black field, the Doctor ushering them from the broken wire and rubble of the buildings that had blown from the streets onto this line of grass. 

A child began to cry. 

"It's alright, she said, picking them up. "Doctor's got a story for you, my poppet." 

"As long as it's happy." One of them said. 

"Depends what way you look at it." The Doctor began. 

So You Want To Change Time Illegally (By Clara_Fan)

A sudden ringing called out the Doctor’s attention, but she ignored it. She’d been reading up on some absolutely outlandish story about a giant monster who had been helping freedom fighters across planets, and just been about to open the TARDIS door to go find Danny, who was off substituting for the actual Danny Devito, which he did on his off-days. The Doctor wasn’t even quite clear when it’d become a thing for Danny to actually have “off-days”. It felt suspiciously like someone throwing in extra gaps for extra books and “Big Finish” adventures. If she wasn’t careful, she’d end up with extra companions from nowhere--

The phone rung again. Annoyed, the Doctor grabbed it from her pocket and said “Danny, I’m going to pick you up. Get me an autograph.”

“I’m not Danny,” said a Japanese accented voice. She sounded annoyed. “I mean, I am a Dani. But not the one called Danny Devito. Are you the Doctor who looks like Judi Dench?”

“Depends. Who’s asking?” the Doctor.

“Me. I think I was your first companion. I need your help,” said Danni.

“Nice try. My first companion was Danny Devito. Gotta work harder for prank calls, baby!” laughed the Doctor, clicking the phone off. With that, she was done considering that, and she never found out about the book called “So You Want To Change Time Illegally”. Short anthology story, huh?



revert

Just as the Doctor walked out the TARDIS door, a carrier pigeon slammed into her face. It dropped a message into her palm.

“If you help Dani, you get a chance to blow up a lot of stuff!”

“Ahahaha, like that’ll work on me!” said the Doctor.

The pigeon rolled her eyes, and dropped another message. “A LOOOOTTTT OF STUFF!”

Then the pigeon flew away. The phone rung again.

“So?” asked Dani.

“Well, I am a really, really benevolent Doctor,” said the Doctor.

Two minutes later, Danny Devito (the companion) ran through the crowd, looking for the trusted blue box. Apparently not everyone was cleared about the companion Danny substutiting for the actor Danny, then Danny (the companion) got into a fight with Danny (the actor), and somehow that screwed up the Blinovitch effect and the Land of Fiction, so now police officers, the entire cast of Always Sunny (the TV characters, not the actors), and Time Reapers were hunting after him. As he searched for the Doctor, all he could find was a box labeled “Hide {it’s sekur)”.




“What? I can’t fit in there!” said Danny.

Mac from Always Sunny turned the corner and pointed at him. “There’s that dickweed that stole Frank’s real-life fake-life real face! Get him!”

Dee Dee added “We’re gonna sue you for facial intellectual rights! After we kick your behind! You’re such a criminal, criminal!”

“Oh boy...” said Danny Devito (the companion) as a Reaper suddenly launched from the sky and headed straight for him.






Meanwhile:

Water was everywhere. Everyone was on boats. It was the year 1997, where the high rollers of the seas battled against each other for rights over the last drops of soil. Now there wasn’t much goods—everything was about what could be traded, and what could be not be traded might get stolen. In these harsh times, there were rumors of mutant humans with gills--

“Wait. Am I in WATERWORLD? The damn Kevin Costner movie?” said the Doctor. “I’m out.”

“No, you’re not. Not this time,” said Dannii. She wore a red hood, with blue jeans, and her head in a ponytail. “You already tried that. It led to this mess.”

“Wait, how exactly do you know me?” asked the Doctor.

“It’s a long story,” said Dannii.

“Make it quick, this is supposed to be a 4 page story, and we’re already on page 2,” whispered the Doctor.

“Well...”

FLASHBACK TIME

“Ahh!” Said The (pre-Judi Dench) Doctor as the TARDIS crashed. “now, it’s time for my last words: before I regenerate!”

The doctor winced in pain.--

She cried out. “Bollocks!”

Now, what the Dench Doctor remembered afterwards was seeing a Man and the rest of Regenerations, the first ep of njddas. But...what actually happened was--




She cried out. “Bollocks!”

She fell out of her TARDIS, landed on the street, and ran up to the first person who she saw. “Give me your clothes! Who frowned me this face? GIMME YOUR CLOTHES!”

The young lady, a Japanese samurai-in-training, flipped the Doctor onto the grass. “Calm down, please. What’s wrong, lady?”

“What’s wrong? I just died and came back. And I need new clothes!” said the Doctor. She paused. “I think this regen is gonna be a calm, reserved—HAHAHA I can’t even finish that statement in a flashback. Anyway, I’m the Doctor. I think. Your name?”

“My name is Danieru,” she replied, bowing. “And you are a Doctor? My village got attacked recently by a group of metal warriors. People are hurt. Can you help--”

“Sure I can. No trouble!” said the Doctor. She pushed herself up, and fell asleep.

2 days later

The Doctor felt rather proud of herself. Only a couple days, and she’d already foiled her first alien plot. As a Doctor, that wasn’t a bad start. Danieru slowly stumbled up beside her, watching the fires in the distance. Ash marks covered her face.

“You set the village on fire,” said Danieru, trying to stifle her annoyance behind her desire to show respect. It had gotten increasingly difficult the past two days. ”You said it would be a small bonfire.”

“Yes, well, ‘small’ and ‘bonfire’ can get ambiguous at times to be quite honest. But hey, it’s done. Day’s saved. Blame it on post-regen jitters. Wanna do mischief in time and space?”

Danieru sighed. This lady seemed utterly insane. She was no medical Doctor, more like a lady possessed by some spirit of madness. And yet, behind the insanity, there was an honest desire to help. Mostly. And surely this old lady would need help on her adventures…

“I do like mischief,” said Danieru.

The Doctor leaned back, and grinned.






“Okay… huh. Okay. I mean, hell, that’s a definitely a retcon, but okay. What does this have to do with me now?”

“The last thing you did, before you left me on this planet, was drunkenly write a book and then lose it. Ever since then, this place started to change. Water filled the world. Ships have become living spaces. I’ve changed. The ground disappeared--”

“Right, Waterworld. Got it. What’s the issue?” asked the Doctor.




“The issue,” said a voice behind her, “is that this is private property!”

Three flying fishmen with eye-patches jumped onto the wooden platform they were on. They each wore musketeer outfits.

“You are trespassing! The Mariner Empire will have your heads!” snarled a redskinned fishmen, pointing a rapier at the Doctor. “You must give us your valuables immediately.”

“Umm...no,” said the Doctor. “I just got here. I can’t get robbed until at least a couple hours in. Also, why are you dressed like...that?”

“It’s the royal dress of the Mariner Soldiers. Do not blaspheme the royal dress!!!” roared out the blue skinned fishman.

“See, Doctor? This is what I was left to handle,” said Danieru. “It’s been a frustrating three years.”

Three things occurred to the Doctor. One, she had been promised explosions. There was no explosions yet. Two, Danieru honestly talked like her and the Doctor were old friends. The Doctor was starting to think Dani wasn’t lying. And three, those fishmen’s swords looked awfully attractive.

“Soldiers, great ones, this Doctor is here to help the Mariner Empire. I am here to deliver the one with the great knowledge of time, to help the Mariner Empire grow,” said Danieru. The Doctor opened her mouth to complain, but Dani quickly spoke over whatever she was about to say, adding “She will be delighted to assist.”

“Really? In that case...”

2 hours later:

“DEATH TO THE DOCTOR! DEATH TO THE DOCTOR!” screamed out a crowd of fishmen, as the Doctor and Dani were in a net, hanging over a pool of water. Sharkmen underneath snapped their jaws, preparing for the ensuing feast. The Doctor tried to not look at the jaws below, and instead glared at Dani. Dani guiltily shrugged.

“So, any ideas?” asked the Doctor. “I think a brainstorming session is really the proper thing to do, right now. Right now, all my ideas involve throttling you, so I think it’s best if you spit out some alternatives.”

“You haven’t changed a bit. Right now, I think...well, maybe we strike a deal? Mention the Book!” said Dani excitedly.

“Sorry, what book? And why’d you say it with a capital letter?” asked The Doctor.

“Don’t worry. Just get the book. And let’s do it quickly—those sharkmen look hungry.”

“Haa Haa!” called out a loud, booming voice. It was a man wearing a large set of robes, with a fish design on his crown. “The Doctor is finally here. Finally, she can help us to control the flow of time. She will let us decipher the book fully! Or else… she shall DIE!”




“Or else SHE WILL DIE!” cried the crowd.

“Hold on. Absolutely not. Dying is not on my list of stuff to do!” said the Doctor.

“We can make a deal. Maybe get her to give you a quick summary of the book,” Danieru added quickly.

One of the shark men from below stopped smiling maniacally for a moment and said “So, are we gonna eat them, or should we head down to the lunch hall? I’m kinda bored.”

“You delivered a book to me years ago. You told me it could help me rule the world. And it has! But now I need you to decipher the last few pages. Will you?” asked the robed man. “Tip: Saying no will lead to death.”

“Well, I’ve never said no to a little light reading,” said The Doctor.

“Yes. She loves to read,” said Dani.

“Okay, so lunch hall it is. Damnit,” mutterred the shark man.

The Doctor and Dani were dragged onto a plank, with swords in the design of shark fins at their necks. The robed man glared at the two of them, looking at one, then the other. Finally, he produced the book from his robes of his left robe. “Do you remember my name, Doctor?”

“Nope,” said The Doctor. “Frankly, if you’re not the Master or the Daleks, I tend to forget any recurring villains. I, quite honestly, have too many. Maybe I need an organizational chart.”

“My name is… Kehveen Custnaa. I am the leader of this crew. We meet yet again, my dear Doctor,” said Kehveen. “And this will, certainly, not go as easy as the last one. I managed to take this book from you in a game of wits. We played for three months, battling mind-to-mind, trying to suss out each other’s weaknesses. It was the greatest game of tennis in the UNIVERSE!...Wait, what are you doing?”

Dani froze in her tracks. She’d been getting farther away from the sword, and sheepishly said “Just scared of your brilliance, Kehveen.”

Kehveen smiled, and said “As you should be—hey, what are you doing!”

The Doctor was throwing the guards with the swords overboard. She turned around, and said “Your monologue was boring me. So, give me the book, so we can go home.”

“Ah, yes. Doctor, mind if I say one thing to you first--” said Dani, but the Doctor grabbed the book from Kehveen’s hand and started reading from a page.

“’The polar ice caps have melted, covering the Earth with water. Those who survived have adapted to a new world’...huh?” said the Doctor. She frowned. “Weird book...ok, lemme flip a couple pages... ‘They are webbed. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten digits. That's wonderful’--wait. Wait. This isn’t a book to control the future. This is Waterworld.”




Dani started laughing uneasily. “Yes, it does remind one of this water world. Now, Doctor, you will certainly now start going with me to help us strategize on how to use this book… away from the Kehveen...let’s go please...”

“No, I mean,” said the Doctor, not heeding Dani’s desperate expression, “this is literally the script of Waterworld. The movie. The 90s movie made by Kevin Costner, about people living on a water world without land… Are you saying that history was changed to match… Waterworld? Seriously? Kehvee—wait, hahaha! You named yourself after Kevin Costner! Oh boy, that’s--”

“ENOUGH!” snarled Kehveen. “I was assured that Waterworld was the best tale ever!”

“Who told you that?” snorted The Doctor. “I like the movie a lot, and it actually is one of the best ever, but--”

“YOU did! You wrote it!” said Kehveen, his eyes bulging out. “You played me for a fool.”

“No, I think she’s just joking around,” said Dani. “Right, Doctor?”

The Doctor snorted louder. “I’m not gonna lie to protect the feelings of a guy who confused a Kevin Costner movie for a prophecy. Plus, I don’t even remember doing any of this--”

“You don’t remember! I’m your most powerful adversary--”

“Definitely not, bub.”

“--And you don’t even remember me? AHHHHHH!!!” he screamed, his muscles bulging out.

“...I was trying to avoid this. Brace yourself,” said Dani. She grabbed the Doctor and started dragging her away.

“Yeah, you just messed up,” said a sharkman below.

“AHHHHRRRGGHHHHHAHAHA!” continued Kehveen. He started getting taller, and more musclebound. His robes began to blend into his skin, creating red shapes on his skin, which was starting to darken. His feet broke through his shoes, as sharp talons began to form.

“Wait, Dani, I think you left out something important,” said the Doctor, as Kehveen grew into a giant fishman right in front of her. “Like, there’s a lot of questions I have. For example, what the absolute hell is going on?”

“I did try to tell you to not upset him,” hissed Dani.

“Too late now,” said Kehveen, now a nine foot tall fishman, with spikes coming out of his back and shoulders. “Now I eat.”

“Can you swim?” asked Dani to The Doctor.

“Yes—ahhh!” said The Doctor, as she got pushed overboard, with Dani following behind her. And Kehveen quickly followed behind them. The Doctor and Dani swam to shore, or tried to, as 1) there’s no shore on Waterworld, and 2) a giant fishman is probably a better swimmer than most people. So, the Doctor actually ended up a few inches away from Kehveen’s teeth, while Dani had the book, and then Dani yelled “The Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank, having outswam Kehveen’.

--revert--

Actually, the Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank, having outswam Kehveen. This is inexplicable, and for once, the Doctor felt something was off.

“Wow, close call, huh?” said Dani.

“...I was about to die and probably look like Bertie Bassett or Bridget Bardot or something. Something just changed,” said The Doctor. “Smells annoyingly plot-relevant. What just happened?”

“Nothing,” said Dani.

“Uh uh. You told me to say ‘ Doctor and Dani ended up on another wooden plank’, and now we are...” mused the Doctor. “Wait, this is a reality-changing book. Don’t try to deny it”

“...Yes, but it only works if you don’t expect it to work. You bought it cheap from the Celestial Toymaker while you were drunk, and then you and Kehveen added the entire script of Waterworld in it as a joke. It caused the entire history of this planet to shift. And then you left me here. For years.”

“Uh...my bad? Are you sure it was me?” said The Doctor.

“Yes. You said you were bored and were gonna do an ‘8th Dr amnesia moment” and be right back. And I haven’t seen you in years. Kehveen went power-mad in your absence. He went even further, turning everyone into fishpeople...”

“Why didn’t you just get some schmuck who never saw the book work to say “Waterworld sucks, bring the world back to how it was”?”

“Only the original changer can revert a change,” said Dani. “It took me ages to set up a situation where I could use the book to summon you (it involved getting drunk enough to forget what the book did), and to convince Kehveen that he needed you back to fully use the book. Now, let’s fix this place, and let’s go.”

Before the Doctor could respond, a giant hand grabbed the ship they were on, leaning it down, and then a very large version of Kehveen’s fish head came into view. Kehveen was now an extremely giant part-fish, part-man. “Doctor, shouldn’t have gotten me mad...”

“I REALLY do not remember this part of Waterworld,” said the Doctor.

“You may have thrown in some movie called God zilla in the book’s pages too,” said Dani. “We were very dru--

Kehvenn bashed the ship with his fists. The Doctor went flying, but was caught by Dani. She was balanced on the ship, despite the teetering of the surface.




“You left me here, and I am now king. With your defeat, I shall create a new race… the Sea Lords,” said Kehveen.

--revert--

“Yeah, that’s super original. What’s next, the Sealess Child?” called out the Doctor. It was then that the Doctor noticed that there were now several fish-people with hoods on the boat. “Holy crap, he just changed history!”

“What? Sea Lords attack!” cried out Kehveen, as Dani finally got a chance to put her samurai training to use in an utterly awesome battle scene against five cyborg fish-people that we don’t have the space to detail. But it was as cool as a “samurai lady vs five cyborg fish-people” should be.

While Dani was dealing with that, the Doctor was coming up with a three-step plan. She walked up to Kehveen, and said “You’re kind of a loser. My book totally works.”

“Liar. You won’t get me twice!” said Kehveen, slapping The Doctor and sending her into the sea. Good. That was step one.

Step 2: A sharkman moseyed over to her (well, swam moseyingly). He noticed her bleeding a bit, and said “Hmm. Might have to eat you. I missed lunch, after all.”

The Doctor leaned over, and whispered “Cool. Missing lunch really does suck. But first, say ‘The Doctor gets onto the ship that Kehveen’s attacking and has explosives and an RPG, saving Dani from the Sea Lords.’”

“That’s...awfully specific,” said the sharkman. “Is that supposed to do something?”

“No. I just have a really, really specific pre-death wish. Kinda coincidental that it applies here,” said the Doctor, giving her best smile.

“Okay. I’ll, uh, do my best. ‘The Doctor gets on Kehveen who is on the ship and has an explosive, saving the Sea Lords from Dani. And I get a sandwich.’ Heh. Added the last one for myself, since we’re playing fun wishes. Might have fudged up--”




--revert--




Dani’s heart had been pounding incessantly since she saw the Doctor get thrown overboard. She wanted to check on the Doctor, but she’d was currently getting punched by several electric fists from the newly made “Sea Lords”. Dani, unfortunately, was a rusty fighter, and it took all she had to avoid getting beaten to a paste. And then, the Doctor suddenly appeared. On top of Kehveen.

Oh no.

“I have explosives!” cried out the Doctor, grinning like a child with a toy. She was balanced on Kehveen’s back, wriggling haphazardly.

“Be careful!”

“Can’t hear you!” the Doctor said, as she threw the explosive right in front of Dani’s current position. “Whoops! Uh, I--”

Dani somersaulted backwards, missing the blast barely. When she stopped, she could see the Sea Lords rushing straight toward her.

“Oh. Uh. Hey, Kehveen, see those totally awesome explosives and how I got on your back? BAM! Proof that the book works. See?” said The Doctor.

“Hmm, “ said Kehveen. “I suppose it does work. Okay, we’re good.”

“Really?” said The Doctor.

“HELL NO!” he snarled, slamming his entire fists into the boat, and so, for the second time, Dani and the Doctor fell into the water. “I am going to destroy both of you!”

“This is why I hate random retcons!” cried out The Doctor. “Hey, sharkman, mind saying ‘The Doctor and Dani get out safely’?

“Nope. Too busy eating my sandwich.”

As the Doctor cussed out the sharkman, who just shrugged, Dani looked up at the large form of Kehveen. “We were friends once. The Doctor and I always traveled here. You don’t have to do this.”




Kehveen’s hands started to reach for the Doctor. In a split second, Dani realized what she had to do. She closed her eyes, and unleashed the alteration that the Doctor’s changes from the book had given her.

What the Doctor saw next astounded even her.

Dani’s body began to ripple outward, becoming scaly, with feathers ripping out of the skin here and there. Her arms became thicker, more muscular. Her eyes started to turn into a snake’s, and her teeth became sharper. Her hands became talons. Right before The Doctor’s eyes, Dani transformed into a giant bird-reptile humanoid. A final spike jutted out of her body, landing into her hand, as she faced Kehveen.

“What the what?” said The Doctor. “Hold on, did you just become a Godzilla—what the hell did I write in that book?”

The monster-Dani looked down at The Doctor, and winked. Then she and Kehveen started to fight. Kehveen was initially taken aback, and nearly fell into the sea, getting several lashes from her spike-sword. But he somehow found his balance, and landed another blow.




The monster-Dani doubled back, and emitted a loud cry. Several birds appeared, attacking Kehveen, distracting him as Dani grabbed a large piece of wooden debris as a shield, and charged at him again.

“Again, what the hell?” asked The Doctor.

“It’s honestly kinda weird,” agreed the sharkman, who had stuck around to observe.

The two giant monsters kept battling. Finally, Kehveen said “Screw this, I’m out”, and swam away.

“More of my archnemeses should do that,” muttered The Doctor, and then she shrieked as the monster-Dani grabbed her and she was carried away. The monster-Dani flew far into the distance, across miles of sea.

“...I hate retcons,” mutterred The Doctor.

The Doctor woke up on the top of a high platform. It overlooked many of the other ships. In the distance, there was a beautiful expanse of blue, well blue-ish green

Dani was right beside her, a large towel wrapped around her now-naked body. Her pensive expression unnerved The Doctor. Dani slowly turned to look at her, and said “Back in my home planet, there were stories about animal spirits who could turn into people. I suppose, in a way, I’m one of those now…”

“Wait. So, my changes to time let you do this?” asked The Doctor. “That’s...wew, that was a madlad move back there.”

Dani smirked. “And I used to think you were a spirit. But you’re not, aren’t you? You’re just a toddler in an old lady’s body.”

The Doctor crossed her arms. This was turning into a serious story. Not very NCJDDAS-ish. She was starting to feel cross. “Is this going anywhere? I was promised explosions.”

“Which you managed to get, though you nearly exploded me. Which is typical. You always make messes and then expect me to clean it up,” said Dani, throwing the book into The Doctor’s hands. It still looked like an ordinary book from the outside. “And now you don’t even remember me. We spent years together, and you just got blackout drunk one day and completely forgot me. Typical.”

What? Who was this person to just go off and blame the Doctor for something she didn’t even remember? “Typical? Typical? First off, you barely know me. I’m very responsible. I mean usually, but definitely this time. I came. You sent a bird--wait, how’d you send a--who cares, you’re just a retcon, but anyway, yeah, I’m totally responsible. Didn’t we just save the day?”

“Well...the timeline’s still changed. But we’re alive, so...we’ve done well. I suppose,” said Dani. “We just need to find the TARDIS.”

“Yes, and I need to find Danny,” said The Doctor. Dani raised her eyebrows, and The Doctor added “Uh, I have another companion called Danny.”

“Already been replaced,” said Dani. “You move fast.”

“Always do, baby!” said The Doctor, doing finger-guns. She kept doing it, until Dani started to laugh. The Doctor found herself laughing too, and it felt familiar. Like joking with an old friend.

“I take back calling you a toddler. That was mean... ,” said Dani. “Okay, so where did you put the TARDIS?” asked Dani.

The Doctor uneasily looked away, and Dani stopped smiling. “Seriously, you lost the TARDIS again?

“Lay off me! It’s not like I can buy a GPS tracker for it! It’ll turn up eventually,” grumbled The Doctor. “And plus, it’s not like I was expecting this to be a long trip.”

“You need to plan better.”

“Oh, please. This is just an anthology tory--it’s not even plot relevant. Don’t need to pull out all my stops for a simple jaunt. And while you’re busy critiquing my style, I should point out that, again, from my POV, you just showed up,” said The Doctor.

--revert--

“...Where are we?” asked Dani.

“And, on top of that--” continued the Doctor.

“Wait, Doctor, stop!” said Dani.

“--you’re basically not even canon,” said the Doctor. “So lay off!”

“Doctor, don’t--” begged Dani.

--revert--

“Well?” asked The Doctor.

She looked around. She was alone on the platform.

“Dani?” asked The Doctor. She frowned. “Dani, you don’t have to hide from my awesome logic!”

And then it dawned on her.

“Fuck.”

The TARDIS appeared a few minutes later. The Doctor walked in by herself, muttering “Dani is canon” to herself.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny ran into the TARDIS, having finally given the slip to the “Always Sunny” crew. He walked in, to see The Doctor had scribbled “Dani is canon!!!” on all of the TARDIS’ walls in sharpie.

“Doctor, I’ve had the craziest day--

“I DON’T CARE YOU SEE I THINK I JUST destroyed my companion except she’s not my companion but i guess she was and now i’m trying to fix it, and because i know i can fix it, i can’t fix it, cause the book doesn’t let u fix it, if u kno u can fix, BUT getting drunk can help EXCEPT THAT I REMEMBER EVEN WHEN I’M DRUNK so now she’s gone forever SO hey how was your day and any ideas or solutions?”

“Oh,” said Danny.

“Yeah, I tried drunk-calling the Dhawan Master for help and he just laughed at me,” said the Doctor. “Hey, Danny, say ‘The Doctor doesn’t remember deleting Danieru, or what the book does’.”

‘The Doctor doesn’t remember deleting Danieru’ .

The Doctor blinked, then said “Why am I holding a book...there’s a note here that says “Say ‘Danieru is cano--’...oh, looks smudged. Eh, who cares?”

“Actually, Doctor, that might be important--”

The Doctor had already thrown the book aside. And that was that…

Until--

In the middle of the later story Dark Page…

The Olsen Doctor picked up a random book from the TARDIS floor. “Hmm...Waterworld? I like Waterworld. Danieru is canon? That’s a weird thing to write 200 times…”

“Put my books down please now!” hissed the Dench Doctor. That book felt significant...but why? Her “retcon” sense was blaring, and she suddenly had a happy feeling, but there was no explosions or grievous violence happening. Oh well.

--revert--

A group of sharkmen were having lunch on a balcony, looking over the neverending sea, when a surprised Japanese young lady in a towel appeared in the middle of their brunch circle.

“--Doctor, stop talking, the book’s gonna react” said Dani. She wheeled around, taking a few seconds to realize she was not where she’d been a few minutes ago. And The Doctor was nowhere to be found.

“Um, hi,” said one of the sharkmen. “Aren’t you that girl I saw who turned into a giant bird-lizard two years ago?”

It had taken two years for the Doctor to bring her back? “...Yes, probably. My greatest remorse for interrupting your lunch…”

“No problem. The food’s not that good. Frankly, we’re tired of being forced to eat people by Kehveen...actually, we wanna start a rebellion. And, I know we haven’t met in a while, but turning into a giant monster seems like a helpful skillset.”

“Sam, stop bringing every random stray into our rebellion plan. It’s barely secret now. Our janitor knows!”

“Actually…” said Dani. “I have a feeling I’m not gonna see the Doctor again for a long time. So what the heck. Let’s do a rebellion.”

The Children (Part Three)

"I liked that one." One child said. 

"I didn't." The Eldest replied. "Isn't that woman...what's she called, the Dame lady...isn't this her fault?"

"It is." The Doctor said solemnly. "But it's also mine." 

"Why would she do this?" A child asked. 

"It's not her fault. She's acerbic. Irrational. Traits that make her all the easier to manipulate." The Doctor looked at the green-tinged sky. "If I can get into her head for just a second, she'll know all of this is wrong. She has to." 

"What do you mean this is her fault? I don't get what you're saying. Stop with the big words."

"I find talking down to people only makes them angry." The Doctor muttered. 

"Why are you both called the Doctor?" The Middle Child asked. 

The Doctor paused, not wanting to say the truth. "We're related."

"So that fellow in the first story, he's your granddad or something?"

The Doctor's mouth involuntarily curled. 

"We need to keep moving."

* * * 

They walked until the dirt path ended, and a bramble of weeds and barbed wire half-covered a ruin of a building. The Doctor pushed open the rusted door. She reached into her pocket and took out a cigarette case, from which she obtained a match. She struck it against the wall. 

As the children stepped in, she closed the door. 

"You all need to know why this happened." The Doctor grumbled. "So it never happens again."

"Why did what happen?"

"War." The Doctor replied. "You understand what war is, don't you?"

Some of them nodded. 

The Rain Fell and the Thunder Struck. 

The Doctor sighed. "I'm sorry. It's time for the next story."

Inherit The Earth (By Nacho)

A young girl- blonde and well dressed in her sunday best, sat next to her mother- a single widower. It was Easter, and though the Tyler’s weren’t particularly religious they did make sure to attend the usual Easter sermon with everyone else in their neighborhood. Difficult for a little girl to sit through, the Pastor read off a quote from his bible-

“At noon, darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon. And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” which means…”

“My God! My God! Why have you forsaken me?!?” cried out the Doctor in anguish inside his TARDIS, looking upon the burning ruins of planets left in the wake of the Time War. No Time Lords, No Daleks. Even those who had bravely assumed their roles hoping to bring the conflict to an end; even the slaves conscripted under occupation with the promise of lighter conditions for participation; even the refugees. Gone.

The Doctor would spend some time alone wallowing in his anguish; at times stabbed in his hearts with survivor’s guilt too great to bear.

In the universe, there was darkness now. Darkness meant not evil, and indeed in this case it didn’t. It was much more sad- it was empty. And so the Doctor at various points took a tour, sometimes just looking after the ashes finished burning; at times trying to warp back into the war to save something or someone who didn’t deserve what he had done.

But it all came down to the same problem- No one was allowed to survive but him. Nothing could be redeemed from that darkness- not even him.

And as he finally realized the useless weight on his shoulders that he would not be unburdened from, he turned his attention back to the one place in the universe that had not been touched by the Time War at all- Earth.

In another story you will have heard about the Doctor finding out that there was no redeeming the darkness of the Time War, but perhaps redeeming the life he had left from it. But this is not that story.

This is the story about how while the Time War never touched Earth, it’s aftermath did. After all…

“ And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.” the Pastor finished quoting the Bible, taking a breath before looking over the full congregation, then asking out. “What does that all mean to you and me?”

The young Rose Tyler shrugged her shoulders.

Years later, the Doctor and Rose were 30 years in the past playing in a two person Punk Rock band opening for the Clash at the Marquee Club. Did Rose Tyler know how to play Drums before she got on stage? Not in the slightest; but through a handy streaming service from the future, the skill was being beamed into her head from the TARDIS wirelessly.

The Doctor was up front and center stage with a Gibson Melody Maker, singing a punk version of The Who’s Substitute and winking at the crowd with the line I look pretty young but I’m just backdated.

As she played and sang backup vocals for the Doctor, she wondered if the Doctor was receiving a skill streamed into his head too or if he already knew how to play.

After their set, the Doctor and Rose sat at the bar watching the Clash tune up. The Doctor nursed a beer as Rose picked safety pin barrettes from her hair. As they did, another patron at the bar elbowed the Doctor and tried to engage in conversation.

“Pretty interesting night, great set by the way.” he said, smiling towards the stage without looking at the Doctor. “If you hurry, there’s still time to give Sid Vicious some lessons.”

The Doctor’s brow furrowed in annoyance. He made conscious efforts not to do so around Rose- often he tried to just let himself enjoy moment to moment, but it was hard to do so in the presence of a Time Agent.

“I suppose you know who I am.” The Doctor’s hands balled into fists with a pick wedged into the knuckles, threateningly jutting out like a spike.

Rose looked over, the man having finally caught her eye. He was in a very formal getup, and she silently chided herself for not having noticed it before.

“We do. We’re here because-”

“Save it” said the Doctor.

“You don’t under-”

“I said, ‘save it’” said the Doctor again, now a little tension in his voice.

The man looked furious, but when he got one hint of the Doctor’s fury he backed off. Instead he left a memory card on the bar counter, and put his hands in the air.

“I’ll leave you alone, just… take a look at that. If I’m willing to provoke the fury of the Last of the Time Lords to bring it to you, then at least respect that it’s important enough to me.” he said before he threw down a small smattering of bills to cover the bar’s tab.

That night after Rose had gone to bed, The Doctor opened up the chip’s contents and viewed them on the TARDIS viewing screen. His hands balled in rage, and a tear came down his face as he watched. At one point in the night, or what Rose assumed was night, she got up and happened by the Doctor.

Instantly she hugged him. He was paralyzed by emotions- fear, rage, pity, sadness. But most of all, guilt. And in that embrace, she took his far hand in both of her’s and attempted to open his fist. Feeling her hands on his, the Doctor hung his head and silently gave in, letting her hand open his fist.

Now knowing he would be okay, she accepted his request when he gently kissed her forehead and asked her to go back to bed. As she obliged and climbed in, Rose realized that she had not at all attempted to see what caused the Doctor such distress.

The next day The Doctor opened up the TARDIS doors and walked out onto a battlefield between the Ood and Time Agents from Earth. Both were powerful forces, capable of having a Time War of their own if they so chose; and both rose from the aftermath of the Time War.

He left Rose behind to see what he had seen.

Earth knew of what and who the Doctor was. Sure, sometimes they misinterpreted the Doctor, but they understood what The Doctor stood for. The Ood had heard about the Time War, and heard about the fear and destruction it wrought. They understood that humanity was the Doctor’s pet project; and that by advancing to the point of time travel and having some dominion over time and space they were allowing this race ruled by their passions to cast a shadow over the universe.

What neither knew in the rise of their higher sentience among time and space was that the Doctor lived. Hiding in guilt and agony, the Doctor did not directly guide either race; and their evolutions into what they had become horrified regular inhabitants of the universe.

And so without Time Lords and without Daleks and without The Doctor, the Universe changed under their machinations. The Ood were brutal in their ascendancy, fearing a race that ascended under the ideology of the Doctor would bring the destruction the Doctor brought via the Time War.

For their part Humanity met that brutality in kind. It was not evil, but empty. Their only goal survival. And thus, as humanity struck back they were forced to believe in those actions, those strikes; abandoning some of the things they had learned from The Doctor. They were forced to cast themselves as a people who would kill for ascendency in the emptiness left behind the Time War. And because they followed those who would kill, many died on the path.

The Ood and the ascended humanity- the people of Tomorrow playing marbles with the population of other planets.

This escalated in attacks, chaos in time, advantages gained and lost. Until one day…

It was a shock to suddenly have heard of a Dalek skirmish in an underground bunker with a Time Lord. It was a shock to have dug through humanity’s archives and found out about a new Doctor in a skirmish with the Slitheen which hadn’t been there the day before.

At first, humans didn’t know how best to respond to it all. The Doctor hadn’t shown himself in all this time, in all this new history. Was he ashamed of them?

Eventually the decision was made to put their own feelings aside and issue a warning. And so, an agent met The Doctor after a punk rock concert in 1975 to issue a warning of what the universe had become with a clear message- “Stay out of it.” They were sure that at the very least by giving this message the Ood would leave the Doctor alone in kind.

The Doctor looked around, staring at dead bodies distort and come back to life with horror. Collateral damage and timeline damage was abundant. He watched innocent people fleeing and then start to burn; then distort and be perfectly healthy and continue to flee before beginning to burn. But each time they were brought back to health, they remembered. The Doctor saw it in their eyes, a slight bit more horror or exhaustion or fear each time.

Physically fine, but mentally breaking. He watched parents giving up but pushing their children on. He watched burning, again. Not evil burning, but empty burning; from a lack of a home or a life to be able to occupy the space anymore.

And looking at all this, the Doctor’s hands balled again with rage.

“Damn you… Damn you all!” he screamed, halting the battle while they all froze and turned to look at him.

The sky above the battleground went dark, pitch black. Nobody understood why, and some suggest that it may have been the Doctor pulling out some Time War technology. Others that the Doctor landed when he did because he knew it would become black. One thing was for sure, this black was evil.

The leaders of both sides approached him with a stolen bravado-he was the last Time Lord, but he was the only Time Lord. They may not have regeneration, but they had time travel. What could he do that they had not already seen?

Before they could speak, the Doctor pointed his sonic screwdriver back at the TARDIS behind him and activated a short pulse, throwing a switch inside. Instantly, all the thousands of soldiers on the battlefield began flailing their arms without any motor control. Confusion and panic was in their eyes as they spread out- some as far as 6 feet from one another, to avoid injuring one another with the wild, erratic thrashing. The Doctor had loaded up Rose's drum streaming program and streamed it to all the soldiers on the field, a technology they were helpless against because it was pre-Time War technology, its origin somewhere among the blackened cinders.

"Do I have your attention?" he asked the armies leaders with fury. "Good."

In his rage at watching what the universe had become in his absence, the Doctor had a million scenarios running through his mind- a million Moments, if you will. The futility had pushed him to a new breaking point, and he was prepared. The Humans and the Ood read it on his face and their expressions dropped, seeing now how useless their ascendance in science were in the last face of the Time War.

“Doctor! Don’t!” called out Rose from the doorway to the TARDIS, having finished the warning from the Humans.

She ran out onto the battlefield and in front of him, turning around and putting her hand on his chest to stop him.

“You blame yourself for the Time War, you blame yourself for not getting involved and letting the universe get this bad. For death and destruction and pain. You were the survivor and yet you hadn’t passed on your own lessons to the next generation.” she said gesturing outwards.

She took a deep breath and doubled down on her resolve. “But you’re forgetting something.”

The Doctor hung his head. It was easy for her, wasn’t it? To see these things. “What?”

“You’re forgetting to take into account how these people feel. Just like they’re not taking into account how the other side feels. What they fear.” She looked him in the eye.

Instantly, the Doctor’s fists unballed, and he hugged Rose this time.

“They’re not going to forgive me for this. For letting them become this, Rose.” said the Doctor. It was at this moment the soldiers got back control and froze, fearful.

“That’s okay. You need to start forgiving yourself first before you can begin to make a difference.” she said embracing him back.

Seeing the embrace, the Ood and Humanity silently put down their weapons, trying not to provoke his fury any further. Instead they waited until he left and began to discuss what it meant that he had visited- that he was watching now. They left peacefully, both resolving to keep a closer eye on history now and learn from what the Doctor would come to do.

 The Children (Part Four)

"Do you understand yet?" The Doctor asked. "Do you?" She said. "War is change. War means no one is ever the same again. That's war. You, Your parents, your enemy's parents. War means hurt!" 

The rain fell, and the thunder struck. 

"Where is my mummy?" The youngest asked. 

The Doctor breathed. She needed to be the parent here. She hadn't done that for a long time. She leaned down and hugged the quietly crying girl. 

"One more story." 

The Spider Cut by Al

Conventional wisdom has it that the Doctor's body is destroyed by the radiation in the Great One's cave - but he's well enough to escape from the mountain and make it back to the Tardis. I suggest that the radiation poisoning is slow-acting and cumulative. In Love and War, we learn that it takes ten years for the Doctor's body to slowly decay before he makes it back to UNIT HQ, which seems to back up this assumption, and gives us scope for additional adventures during the early stages of the radiation poisoning.

- Andrew Kearley, eyespider.org.uk

Arachnophobia was invented in the year 1,000,000BC by the Meddling Monk, when he beat a spider to death with his shoe in front of a group of cavemen. Before the unfortunate intervention of the time traveller, the race of men and the race of spiders lived peacefully in the African wilderness, minding their own business and only occasionally mingling on the event of a bountiful harvest or a protest against locusts.

One morning, a tribe of men and a tribe of spiders sat on opposite sides of the river Nile, enjoying the way the flowing water lapped at the dry sand and made it soft and pleasant to sit on. Spiders scuttled across the dense foliage, ever-changing patterns of black on green. Two women hurled the legs of a deerskin into the water, and begun to peel away the remaining flesh and bone. They washed the pelt and hung it to dry, as the spiders on the opposite side of the bank spun webs from canopy to canopy. Tiny white strands glistened in the light, like thin strings made from the river water, and frozen solid at the moment the sun caught them at the right angle for them to gleam and shine.

The Monk was a Time Lord, one big on the self-importance that came with ‘Lord’ but not so much the responsibility that came with ‘Time’. He landed his craft in a nearby clearing, and had been collecting things he deemed interesting while wiping his brow with a cloth and grumbling about the heat, in all the manner of a stuffy tourist. Zipping about through space and time had given him a penchant for grumbling. And grumble he did. Grumbling about the disease in ancient India, the cold in future Antarctica, the rules of time he barely understood and the widespread religion he had always needed as a crutch to be respected. Grumble grumble. All the ideas he came up with were so much better than the ideas anyone else came up with, but they never worked. That didn’t even make any sense. Wouldn’t you grumble?

He wasn’t sure what he was doing in 1,000,000BC. He wasn’t even sure it was 1,000,000BC. His time coordinate displayer (labelled so with a Post-It note) only had four digits to it.


The sight of the Nile eased the Monk’s grumbling. Emerging from the jungle onto the riverbank, he saw women washing pelts and children playing. He smiled, despite himself. He even gave the sweltering summer heat a brief pass as he thought about the prospect of bathing in the cool water himself. He placed his objects of interest into his pockets and waved at the tribespeople on the opposite side of the bank.

There was an itch at his wrist. Startled by the sudden movement, the Monk jumped a little, and saw the long marching legs and beady, black body of a spider, making its way up the length of his forearm. It was almost at his elbow now. Fast little thing. The Monk performed an unceremonious wriggle and the spider plopped onto the sand.

Lifting his left foot up towards his torso, he removed his shoe. With a single tap, the spider died.

From there, the traditional sequence of ‘man turns around, man sees writhing mass of spiders, man runs away’ took place, with little deviation from the expected. He did put his shoe back on, though.


- - - - -

“Oh, good grief.” The Doctor stumbled out of the TARDIS, and fell to his knees. His eyes were swimming in metaphors, his vision was blurred and there was an acute pain behind his forehead like the shrill scream of a faraway vulture. He tried adjusting to his environment by keeping his head still, and that seemed to work. It took some significant effort to keep his neck straight, like his great bouffant of grey-white hair was a block of iron weighing his head down, all but slamming into the floor.

Good grief. Why had he said that? Snoopy didn’t seem to be around. There were no military men marching and throwing some alien artifact about, that tended to annoy him. No obvious shady facilities harbouring some great secret.

In fact, as he basked in the ominous blue glow of his landing spot and traced the rough, rocky ground with his hands, the Doctor didn’t know why he had even spoken at all. He continued to stroke the ground like a drunk archeologist for a while longer, until his vision cleared slightly.

“Oh, good grief.” The radiation poisoning seemed to have limited his vocabulary somewhat, but he thought it appropriate. He leapt to his feet and stared at the sky, his lips curling into an aware grimace. A small, blue marble sat in a nest of clouds, clouds that writhed and wriggled and folded outwards until they looked like the eight limbs of a spider. It hung in the sky like it was suspended from a string, and seemed to lower itself towards the Doctor, who stumbled backwards and yelled in surprise. He took a glance behind him to avoid tripping, and when he looked back at the sky, Metebelis III seemed almost peaceful. Melancholy macabre, he thought to himself.

Almost like an ocean planet, the surface seemed to boast a million and one shades of blue. Gorges and mountains and seas and forests, all indigo and turquoise and aquamarine and verdigris. It seemed almost cheating, like a false advertisement. At least the giant spider showed some honesty.

Time to get to work. There was only one planet in the system the Doctor could be on where Metebelis III was so close.

Metebelis IV.

His TARDIS, somehow managing to stand out amongst the blue sky and the blue dirt it was nestled in, spat out a harsh thrumming noise. It wasn’t the groaning and coughing of the antiquated engine. It wasn’t even the toaster ding reverberating off twenty-seven different corridors.

The Doctor raised his hand to his chin. “Oh I’m so sorry, old girl.”

He had a faint memory of cave walls folding in on themselves, a high pitched shrieking laughter that devolved into screams of pain, and a glowing crystal, radiating so much blue you’d have thought it had dyed the whole solar system with it. And he had held onto the TARDIS telepathic circuits, almost crushing the plating between his straining fingers, the veins bulging. Those were blue too, like some of the planet had infected him. The blue crystal, the blue cave, the blue mountain range exploding in a ball of flame, flame that, no doubt, burned blue at its heart. He hated the colour. The very idea of it. And as he looked at his hands as they gripped the telepathic circuits, thinking home, home, home, he couldn’t help but fixate on the veins beneath his wrinkled skin.

His vision was blurring, his knees about to buckle any second. All the Doctor could be sure of were his hands. He tightened his grip, although he knew a light touch sufficed. Home, home, home. He heard a crack come from the console, and despite that, all he could think about was blue, and that the blue in his veins clearly meant the planet had infected him and would never leave. His brain seared. His muscles ached.

The radiation poisoning was taking effect...

He had landed. The word infection had flashed through his brain in a hundred and three different fonts although he knew it was a ridiculous idea to begin with. Flexing his fingertips and then spiralling his wrist, the Doctor found that actually, his brain didn’t sear. His muscles didn’t ache. The cloister bell began to ring, a harsh tolling that made him dizzy.

He jumped. A spluttering noise had come from the telepathic circuits, and a yellow goop was beginning to ooze from the cracks he had made with the force of his fingers. Drip, drip, drip. It fell to the ground, a pus yellow against the sterile white of the console room floor.

Falling backwards, the TARDIS doors parted to let him hit the ground outside.

Caressing the floor. Spider planet illusion thing. The Doctor snapped himself back to the present. He had probably given his vehicle radiation poisoning. Ah. He stroked his hand down the side of the police box door, and began to walk in the opposite direction.

- - - - -

God was dead. Tristan Arachnus let the ice cold water splash over his face, then remembered the pipes had burst the day before as soon as lukewarm, clammy water left his palms and slapped him between the eyes. Grabbing a towel, he dried off to the chorus of smalltalk in the hall next door. The town of Thorax had not exactly collapsed into anarchy in the past hour, but given that the only thing stopping it from doing so was a sermon from the local priest to confirm that God wasn’t dead, it might as well have.

Adjusting his sapphire cufflinks, Tristan opened the bathroom door and stepped out into the abdomen of the church. Two hundred eyes stared at him in anticipation, many churchgoers with six additional eyes tattooed onto their faces to better resemble the spider goddess that definitely wasn’t dead.

He cleared his throat and adjusted the microphone on his lectern, a dusty wooden stump fashioned into twenty spiders all sat on each other’s backs.

“In the name of the Great One, her Many Partners She Has Consumed, and Their Potential Million Children, we will begin.”

Silence.

“I have sinned. I think it is important to acknowledge such a thing, as we are all imperfect in the eyes of the Great One, and must be absolved. I do not believe I will be absolved today. Or any other day. I confess before you all, when I have thought of the Great One in this past hour, I have thought of her as a spider.”

A collective gasp echoed around the hall, a soft but cutting noise, like a thousand spiders scuttling down a silk curtain.

“The might of the Eight Legs has endured for some indeterminate amount of time now. And it has been a glorious indeterminate amount of time. We have spun the heretics in webs and thrown them into the canyon.”

“For the Great One,” the crowd replied. A reminder of some good old community violence had raised their spirits somewhat.

“We have fed them to the birds that lurk in the mountains.”

“For the Great One!”

“We have torn off their arms and stapled them to their terrorist leaders so their leaders could die with eight legs instead of the mortal two.”

“For the Great One!”

“But I fear her reign may be over. An indeterminate amount of time ago, a member of our race built the device that received the telepathic calling of our goddess the Great One.”

“All praise to the Great One.”

“It is fitting, then, that another member of our race should be gazing up at Metebelis III with another device, a telescope, to witness the end of our most sacred religion. A full circle, like the globular body of a spider. And yes, I say spider and not Eight Legs. The explosion of the Great One’s mountain cavern was a small one, and yet it sent ripples through my soul, as I fear... the Great One is dead, and her power is nothing. Gone. A mere dead spider when once she was a goddess.”

A gasp from the crowd.

“So. Does anyone have anything else we could start worshipping? I’m open to suggestions.”

- - - - -


The sign read ‘Thorax’, and it swayed in the wind. The Doctor had removed his velvet jacket and wrapped it around his waist, and from jacket downwards he was covered in dust. Metebelis III sat hidden behind a mountain. He had walked for hours.

The sign was of respectable craftsmanship, engraved in a lilac wood and mounted from two chains beneath what looked like a lifeguard’s podium. A town opened up a few metres away. It was on fire.

The air began to spark and fizzle, and the Doctor shielded his eyes with a limp, tired hand. A light flashed blue for an instant, and the Doctor frowned. He lowered his hand. A spider was sat there, in the shade of the podium, with spindly legs stretching a metre long each. It’s skin was rubbery, and it’s eyes piercing.

“Doctor! Do you think you have escaped the Great One?” The spider’s voice was unbearably shrill - each word was a whisper and a scream at once. No, not a spider. An Eight Legs.

“Impossible. How can you be here?”

“We Eight Legs travel through the power of religious offence. Like the insensitive Buddhist chanting through which we materialised on your Earth, so we appear here. There is heresy in this town. Blasphemy against the Great One!”

“I’m sorry, if you don’t mind, I’m going to take a seat. I feel lightheaded, and like you’re going to be explaining a great deal to me.” The Doctor’s journey had taken him across valleys and forests, fields and deserts. He was not in the mood for exposition being screeched at him. He wiped sweat from his brow, and found a nearby rock. The Eight Legs scuttled over to him. Maybe I was right about the planet infecting me, the Doctor thought. Would he never be free of the infernal spiders?

“I was the only one to escape the cave of the Great One! Everyone else screamed as the power of the crystal washed over my people and massacred them!”

“They were pure evil. Your Great One, as you call her, is a slaver, and a warmongering, power-hungry lunatic. I shall be the ruler of the entire universe, indeed. She had to be stopped.”

“You are dying. You gave your life to destroy her,” said the Eight Legs.

“Yes. Yes I did. It was the right thing to do.”

“Your people made us the way we are.”

“What? It was the crystals. The radiation from the crystals. They mutated you, emphasised the fear humans have for you.”

“That fear has not always been there.”

“It’s only natural. Harming you isn’t, but inside every human there is a fear that has evolved over a thousand thousand generations. A fear of spiders. Acting on that fear by killing you is their choice. A wrong choice, no doubt.”

“Then you admit you made the wrong choice by killing the Great One and my people?” The Eight Legs was twitching, it’s legs causing the dust and rocks around its feet to vibrate slightly.

“Your average spider isn’t a war criminal.”

“We are not spiders. We are Ei-“

“Oh do be quiet! You’re all ridiculous, anyway. Petty, monstrous. Quite immature too, yes. I faced my fear in that cave. Before this occasion I had never sacrificed myself. I had died of old age. I had been executed by my own people. Today I set forth to give my life to stop injustice. Direct action. Even now I feel the radiation coursing through my blood. My death could take years. It could take minutes.”

“You think you are brave.”

“On this occasion, yes. Not always. Hardly ever, really. But now, I suppose so.”

“Humans fear us because of cowardice.”

“Ridiculous.”

“Not the cowardice of humanity.”

“Oh? How so?”

“Our ancestors from the Earth planet were visited by a Time Lord. He killed one of our people in view of the Two Legs Earthmen. At the time, we did not know he was no human. Your people look so similar to Earthmen. It broke the peace.”

“Who was this Time Lord?” The Doctor had a terrible feeling. He had always known this incarnation would feel his death at the hands of his greatest enemy. “It was the Master, wasn’t it?”

“Who?”

“A man with a dark goatee. Olive skin. A glare that can melt the very flesh from your bones. Dressed from head to toe in black.”

“The radiation from the crystals in the cave did not only magnify our hunger, our size, and the Two Legs’ fear in us. It gave us our powers. The ability to travel through space and time in the presence of questionable relgious politics. In our culture, we see this as a sign that the progenitor of the hate between the Eight Legs and the Two Legs was himself, a man of religious insensitivity.”

The Doctor erupted in raucous, raspy laughter. “The Meddling Monk. He has well and truly done it this time.”

“You know this man?”

“I do.”

“Then you are an associate. The Late One was clear on what to do if an associate of the Time Lord was found. Doctor, I sentence you to die.”

The Eight Legs sprung from its hind legs, and leapt into the air. It grabbed onto the frills of the Doctor’s shirt.

“ODIN IS A FALSE GOD,” the Doctor bellowed. There was a bright flash of blue light, and the Doctor disappeared and reappeared almost exactly where he was a second ago. The Eight Legs was still wrapped around his chest. The Doctor kicked off the rock he was sat on, and performed a clunky backflip, tossing the flailing spider into the dirt behind him.

Landing on his feet, the Doctor curled his lips into a wry smile. “It seems the religious insensitivity is right here, my dear fellow. No need to be going anywhere.” He dusted off his trousers.

Building to a sprint, the spider started, and lunged once more at the Doctor, who punched it out of the air with his left arm, already ducking to pick up a rock with his right. “Where are you trying to take me, eh? Back to the Great One’s cave, I would imagine.”

The Eight Legs did not reply, only prowl. Left to right. Right to left. They circled each other in silence, the Doctor still clutching at his stone. The town of Thorax crackled and spat faintly in the background. He briefly wondered what had happened to it.

A shot of indigo dust and sand flew up into the air, as the spider kicked its back legs. It was a feint. The Doctor barely flinched. They kept circling each other. Without breaking eye contact, the Doctor untied his jacket from his waist, and slipped his arms through the sleeves.

“AKI-DAAAAAAA,” shouted the Doctor. The spider gave a jump, part fright and part confusion. The Doctor threw the stone to his left, and jumped at the Eight Legs as it predictably skittered to the right. He grabbed it from the front and twisted it around. It kicked and squirmed, and squirmed some more. It felt slimy to touch, a slime caked in flakes of mud and tiny stones. Slippery and rough at once. Its back legs tensed and it flailed the other six around, hoping to make space and slip out of the Doctor’s grasp. The Doctor stumbled around, trying to keep still.

With a sudden movement, the Doctor let go of his arachnid attacker, and clapped his hands around either side of its head. He felt their minds become one and the same. He felt the spider beginning to summon enough psychic energy to teleport. At the moment of the blue flash that cracked the vortex like an egg before zipping it up again, he yelled “MONTY PYTHON’S HOLY GRAIL IS A GREAT FILM AND I WOULD HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.” The result was the same as before - a short hop a few inches to the right, and nothing more. A lavender cloud of dust erupted around them at the force of take-off and landing at the same time. The Doctor focused his mind, and pressed on either side of the spider’s head. “You’re not going anywhere, old chap. Unless I take you there.”

- - - - -

The sight of the Nile eased the Monk’s grumbling. Emerging from the jungle onto the riverbank, he saw women washing pelts and children playing. He smiled, despite himself. He even gave the sweltering summer heat a brief pass as he thought about the prospect of bathing in the cool water himself. He placed his objects of interest into his pockets and waved at the tribespeople on the opposite side of the bank.

There was an itch at his wrist. Startled by the sudden movement, the Monk jumped a little, and saw the long marching legs and beady, black body of a spider, making its way up the length of his forearm.

“It seems the Great One’s wisdom was right for once,” said the Doctor. He still clutched at the Eight Legs, and had ridden it across the vortex, the millennia beating at his skin like steel raindrops and clawing into his ears, his nostrils, the pores under his eyes. He felt youthful. “The religious insensitivity. The definite article, centuries before religion came to Earth in the first place. Appropriating the modest and studious and pious, all to prat around through history like a stuffy child. What are you even doing here?”

The Monk’s expression was blank. The little spider crawled up his forearm and into the sleeve of his garb. It seemed suddenly insignificant next to the beast the Doctor cradled, all eight limbs still squirming and squeezing and striking at the air. They were both caked in what looked like dark blue caster sugar.

The Monk took a step back in fear, and fell into the Nile with a loud splash. He began flailing around in the water, both humans and spiders eyeing him curiously from their sides of the river. He yelped as his garb caught on a branch at the surface of the bed. Grunting and gargling as water washed over him, the Monk paddled and tried to break himself free. The washerwomen had known the true speed of the Nile, as blood from the skinned deer flew down the river bend in seconds. The water seemed choppy and aggressive now, where the light and smooth surface had before made it seem slow. The Monk kept flailing, creating ripples wherever he moved. Gallons of water rushed past him, some pouring down his gullet as he struggled to keep afloat.

The Doctor absentmindedly threw the Eight Legs to one side as he dived in to rescue him. “You idiot! What are you doing, man! Grab my hand!” The Nile turned bluer than it had ever looked, as the mud of Metebelis IV dissolved in alien water and dyed the river, spreading shades of indigo and turquoise like mottled paint dumped in by the gallon. Wading slowly and carefully, the Doctor approached the Monk. He tugged at the Monk’s garb, and it wouldn’t come loose. There was a slight blue flash from the bank that surely meant his way out had gone. He tugged harder. He felt for the branch that was snagging him. He twisted it, as he struggled to stay anchored into the soil of the riverbed. He tensed his legs as hard as he could, the entire Nile beating down on him. “Come on man, come on!” He grunted in frustration. And again. But as the flowing water silenced the surefire snapping noise, the Doctor and the Monk were cut loose, and began to tumble down the Nile, limbs intertwined. The two Time Lords bobbed up and down, mercilessly trying to balance in a way so they stayed afloat. He had nothing to fear in that cave, the Doctor realised. Endangering his life for others had become second nature to him. If he had to die, his body was ready to go. It had become a reflex. But did it have to be the Monk?

A village sped past them, as did dozens of trees. Hundreds. The waters rushed past them, and each attempt to grab onto the side of the riverbank was met with a wet splash and a throatful of sandy water that stung and burned. They were approaching a rock now. The Monk squealed quietly to himself. Until the rock opened up. Then he was reduced to silence once again, eyes agape and mouth twisted into a crooked half-grin that left his cheeks wrinkling and contorting with confusion and sand. A bright light emerged from the rock, and the Nile parted, the rush of water tearing into two at the very sight of the glowing column. The Doctor raised an arm to shield his eyes from the burning doorway, and the Time Lords plunged in.

“Yes, I wondered when you’d be showing up.” It took a second for the Doctor’s eyes to adjust, but the dark shadow that cast itself over a room of sentinel roundels, hands tucked neatly behind itself and piercing eyes glancing casually at an array of buttons could only be one person. The Monk shuffled backwards on the sodden control room floor at the sight of the immaculate, bearded figure: the Master.

“And,” the Master began. He pushed a lever down and tapped at some keyboard buttons with a stiff finger. “Timeline erased. You are welcome, my dear Doctor. How undignified it would be for you to die at the hands of rabble such as young Mortimus here.”

“You idiot,” the Doctor spat. “This is a fixed point in time! The genesis of the human-spider relationship as it is known throughout the universe!”

The interjection of the word “what” was the extent of the Monk’s input.

The Master frowned. “Here? Fixed points in time? Unlikely. History right now is boring. People hitting sticks together and juggling sticks and beating each other with sticks. Time has... no interest in this part of Her dominion.”

“I really don’t think you have any idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, my dear Doctor, I think I do.” With a dramatic flourish, he turned his body, revealing eight distinct blotches of cyan grime, and clinging to each one, a wiry limb of the Eight Legs, digging into the back of the Master’s Nehru jacket.

And digging into its back, a throwing knife.

It fell to the floor, and gave a defeated squeak. The Master stumbled, and was left lying on the moist ground next to his fellow bewildered Time Lords. The Master’s TARDIS hummed peacefully.

From out of the corner appeared a man - a well-dressed, very familiar man with a hopelessly wet smoking jacket and flattened mop of grey-white hair. The Doctor.

The new Doctor smirked and began delivering some frightfully clever quip, but the Master removed a shoe and lobbed it at him. He continued, nonetheless. “This is getting ridiculous. I’ve come to help.”

“You’ve come to die.” The new Doctor fell to the floor, a bullet wound in his head. A third Doctor, one who was neither drenched nor dead appeared from another corner. “You’re all in great trouble.” This Doctor sported sunglasses, and was holding a pistol, smoke rising from the end of the shaft. “You all need to-“

The sentence lodged in his throat, as did the head of the axe. A fourth Doctor, neither drenched nor shot nor beheaded, appeared from a fourth corner. His face was bound with a dirty mask, a yellowing fragment of bone decorated with silver trimmings that seemed to shift with each small movement. “This timeline has been corrupted. Once by the Doctor, again by the Master, and now by-“

He died.

It went on for some time like this until the problem was eventually, solved, I suppose. Or maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it’s a La La Land situation, where this version is simply a fantasy experienced by the Doctor as he daydreams about what could have been in a world where his final adventure was more exciting. Maybe it’s all an elaborate setup, and the Monk is going to make use of the Eight Legs’ ability to track the Monk and invade his privacy to make a point about DuckDuckGo, or NordVPN. Maybe everything happened, and the Time War undid it. Or undid it, redid it and undid it again. Maybe it was Brax. Maybe it was the War Chief, who was the Master, and the Monk, and Tristan Arachnus, and the dead deer the washerwomen were preparing.

Moral of the story

- no racism

Go home.

The Children (Part Five) 

"That was a long one." One of the middle children said, to the Doctor's disappointment.

"Good point, but don't you get it? It's all about time," The Doctor said. "I was always the one to mess with time. Cross a line, save a life. Save a soul from Pompeii, Take a chirpy little girl from the fires of the R-101, Cross my own timeline just so I can live longer at the cost of the rest of the universe - who cares? I never drew the line. Those humans who fought the Ood never drew a line. The goddamn spiders certainly didn't draw a line, and the Monk definitely, definitely, definitely, never did either." The Doctor paused for breath. "And I'm never gonna stop, so bloody help me, I'm never gonna be able to stop myself." 

"What do you mean?" The Eldest asked.

"I mean that I couldn't stop myself from saving you when I had the chance." The Doctor sighed. "I mean that even though it isn't always a bad thing, even though I do good...I'm a skateboarder doing tricks on a railing, and if I trip and fall, one side will drop me deep into the bloody grand canyon."

"You're the Doctor." The youngest whispered. "You helped us."

"I did, didn't I?" The Doctor said, solemnly. "My point. I shouldn't even be here." 

All of this was quite a lot to unload on five similarly aged young children. 

"I crossed my timeline." The Doctor said quietly. 

"What??"

"The other me has me. She won. I got teleported straight into her TARDIS. I couldn't exactly get out." The Doctor said. "But I'm here, and I'm saving you, because you can mess with time, you can bend it, bend it, bend it, but when that rubber band of time snaps- anything can happen."

"Anything?"

"Anything." The Doctor replied, sinking down onto the ground. 

"Remember me, won't you?" She asked. 

She was dying.

The Children looked about. "Doctor. You got to help us." The Second Eldest Insisted. 

"I got you out of the bombs." The Doctor said. The rain fell, and the thunder struck. "I told you the stories. You just have to remember them. And the moral."

"No racism, go home?" A Child guessed. 

"No," The Doctor whispered. "Well...alright, Understand why it happened. Understand how you can build this planet a better future." 

The Doctor bit her lip. 

"Bye, my poppets. I trust you." 

And with that, she was gone. 

The Rain stopped. 

The End

The Tale Of The Tale (Hypothetically) Starred 

Colin Baker as The Doctor

Nicola Bryant as Peri Brown

Sylvester McCoy as The Doctor

Sophie Aldred as Ace

So You Want To Change Time Illegally (Hypothetically) Starred 

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Rinko Kikuchi as Danieru

Bruce Campbell as Kehveen Custnaa

Taika Waititi as The Sharkmen

Danny DeVito as Danny

An Inexplicable Olsen Doctor cameo

Inherit The Earth (Hypothetically) Starred

Christopher Eccleston as The Doctor

Billie Piper as Rose Tyler 

Silas Carson as The Ood

The Spider Cut (Hypothetically) Starred

John Culshaw as The Doctor

John Culshaw as The Monk

John Culshaw as The Master

Tristan Arachnus as Himself

with 
Ysanne Churchman as The Eight Legs 

The Children (Hypothetically) Starred

Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor

Five Actual Good Child Actors