NCBBDAS: Pure Evil
NCBBDAS: Pure Evil
Trauma Conga 1.3
Starring Brenda Blethyn as The Twenty Seventh Doctor, with Ted Danson as Calvin and Stevie Nicks as Millie
Chapter One
"Hey, we're back in the TARDIS!" Millie said.
"Yeah, I guess that button was like a psychic thing-y interface in the TARDISes systems." The Doctor lied, having actually no clue what the previous story was.
"So, where are we?" Calvin asked.
The TARDIS materialized in the middle of a busy New York street. The Doctor stepped out. "New York! 1950s! ...Wait, this doesn't smell like New York-"
Millie stepped out of the TARDIS. "What? It looks like New York!"
"It isn't though. The Fragrance is all wrong." The Doctor replied. "We're in the middle of something else entirely."
Calvin stepped out. "Well, it looks quite nice, I suppose." He said, uncommitted.
"It is, like, New York, though." Millie said. "It looks like, sort of close to my time."
"It's not. One - Different Universe, Two - Thirty Years Later, Three - Not Bloody New York!" The Doctor insisted.
A man in a pinstriped suit and fedora stepped up to them, speaking in an uncanny fashion, like some kind of Newsreader trying too hard to seem happy. "Excuse me, Madam, Sir and Madam, have you considered a career in Pure Evil??"
Suddenly the Time Vortex appeared out of nowhere, Millie and Calvin yelling, incredibly confused. The TARDIS and lightning bumped around Millie and Calvin, who got a feeling they weren't supposed to be standing there. The Doctor got a bag of crisps out of her pocket and mindlessly munched.
BRENDA BLETHYN
"What the?!" Millie screamed.
TED DANSON
"Oh, don't worry. It's just the intro. It'll be over in a bit."
* * *
"Pure Evil??" The Doctor asked, extremely confused.
"Yes, we have multiple choices for you here in Evil Inc. With Our Help, You Could Become An Expert in Larceny, Tax Fraud, Arson, and if you work with us for long enough, you could even become a regional manager in Genocide? Whatever do you say to that, Madam?"
"That!" The Doctor stuttered. "...That is wrong!" She concluded, not knowing what else to say.
"Why Thank You, Madam!! Should I sign you up for the Murder or Grand Theft Policies?" The Man exclaimed.
"What?" The Doctor continued to make faces.
"Um, Doctor," Millie perked up. She came over and whispered to her. "Um, this sort of seems to me like we should play along- Whatever this place is, I don't think they'd like it if we, well, were all heroic and whatnot."
Calvin nodded.
"Thanks, Millie." The Doctor smiled, agreeably. She turned to the Man, all cheerful and sunshine. "Could You sign me up for a One Year Tenure In Murder, Please?"
Chapter Two
The Man led them to an office building, and they entered inside. "Here at Evil Enterprises Ltd, We're quite proud to support every conceivable crime imaginable. Except for the weird sex stuff. You can call me Al, and I will be your tour guide this evening."
"This is loopy," said Calvin, with his usual gift for the understatement.
"You can say that again," The Doctor replied.
"This is loopy," said Calvin, with his usual gift for the understatement.
The Doctor tried to critique Calvin's terrible clichéd dialogue but Al led them to an glass alcove. From within, they could see a man being repeatedly beaten with a stool.
"Workers here can practice all sorts of evil. Right there is Carl and Dave - they're taking Torture!! Hi, Carl!"
Carl perked up. "Hey, Al!" He said, continuing to violently injure the man lying on the floor with various weapons. "Did you catch the game last night?"
"You bet I did, Carl! What a play, that-"
The Doctor phased it out - like she usually did when sports came up. What was going on here? She considered all of the facts carefully. Some sort of evil company had -
"Doctor, Calvin, Millie, come this way!" Al proclaimed, evidently done with his conversation. "We're going to go into-" A dramatic pause; "- A C C O U N T I N G." Al said ominously.
Oh jeez.
* * *
As The Doctor, Millie and Calvin entered Accounting, The Doctor narrowed her eyes. The ominous way he had said it- this must be the heart of Evil Enterprises Ltd.
She prepared for the worst.
...An Office Block?
As they entered the room, it became clear that what this was was an ordinary office. Water coolers and printers and cubicles.
What the hell was going on here?
"Okay, so take these sheets and fill them out in triplicate," Al said, cheerfully.
"I'm sorry, what?" Calvin asked, taking them.
"Also, it has come to our attention that you are Amelia Earhart." Al said, turning to Millie.
"Um, yes." Millie said.
"Goodbye." Al said, taking a gun out of his pocket and vaporizing Millie.
Chapter Three
"I'm sorry," The Doctor yelled. "What was that for?!?"
"Amelia Earhart is according to our documents, an at least relatively good person. She has no place in our organization." Al said, conversationally. He picked up a (tiny) plastic cup (you know the ones) and filled it with water, leaning against the water cooler and taking occasional sips.
"Look, I get, that like, this whole organization is evil, but like, why are you so affable about it?" The Doctor asked.
Al laughed. "Come on, Doctor. We're evil. Not mean."
"Then why'd you vaporize-"
"Wait a second-" Calvin realized. "Doctor, it's not the 1950s anymore! They didn't have water coolers and printers, and - those weirdly bright office lights!"
"No, dude. Where have you been?" Al asked, suddenly wearing a much more relaxed modern day work uniform. "Evil is always up with the times. You know our company motto - No Rest For The Wicked!"
* * *
Millie found herself in the middle of darkness. "Hello-" She called.
"Hey." A Woman With Long Dark Hair and A Leather Jacket Stood Nearby.
"What? Who are you?"
"Oh, I set up this whole thing. Been trying to get the Old Doc's attention for a while now, but we keep meeting in the wrong order." She laughed. "Would you believe that she was in the body of a cricket playing Young Man last time??!" She extended her arm. "I'm the Fourteen. I'm gonna replace you."
Chapter Four
"What?!" Millie asked.
"Had the old stooges teleport you out of there with a laser blast. You haven't been with the Doctor for very long, so without much issue, I can rewrite your timeline." She said, calmly. Effortlessly cool.
"What?! What do you mean-"
"Oh, gosh, you are a broken record." She strolled around Millie, slowly in a circle. "I'm the Doctor's old rival. Used to have 13 minds stuck in my head. I'm gonna replace you with a machine that rewrites history, so that I'm the Doctor's friend. And then she'll help me."
"You could ask. The Doctor always helps whenever someone asks."
"I could," The Fourteen said, leaning in. "But I'm petty." She smiled slightly.
The Fourteen pressed a button and the lights in the room clicked on. A Gigantic TARDIS interior. Rewired completely, the entire central column pouring out with wires around Millie, tied into the Chair Millie was tied to. They had been inside a TARDIS the whole time. The Fourteen's TARDIS. That explained the whole evil scenario - the Fourteen had created holograms to make the Doctor believe that she was fighting a usual evil organization! Everything was her! And now she was in the TARDIS core and the Fourteen was going to make it so she never existed. Things just got better and better. Millie growled. "I'll get out of here!!"
The Fourteen suavely walked out of the room. "Once the Paradox Machine boots up, no one's gonna remember you! I'll always have travelled with the Doctor- even if you do break out, they won't know you! They won't care!"
Millie struggled, and the machine blasted.
* * *
Time adjusted around itself. Amelia Earhart no longer crashed her plane into that house, the Fourteen crashed her TARDIS. The Doctor believed her that she had redeemed herself with a little help, and they had saved Calvin from an alien Jack the Ripper, saved a world from evil medical bills, and explored a void with a red button smack in the middle of it, before being 'cruelly vaporized by Al.' But she survived, and she strolled back into the room, the hero! The Fourteen always was such a hero.
"Fourteen, you're back!" The Doctor said.
"We thought that Al vaporized you!" Calvin cheered.
"Like that could keep a Time Lord like me down." The Fourteen smiled, strolling in. "Now, let's take down this evil merchandising organization!" She winked at the camera.
To Be Continued...
Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor
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