(PARODY AMONG US): 7.5 Frozen Heart
Torchwood Parody Among Us
7.5 Frozen Heart
Starring Ben Mendelsohn and D'Arcy Carden with Ian Alexander, Jason Hughes
Natalia Cordova Buckley and Tracy Ann Oberman
Cardiff Cold Storage
"Damn." Richardson muttered, the pick breaking in the lock. "We aren't going to get this thing to open."
He was kneeling by the door, a massive heavy contraption that intimidated even him. The pick wasn't going to work now that it had snapped. He grumbled.
"Wait, what do you mean?" Stacy asked.
"I mean, someone's locked us in and I can't unlock us. Options." He said, gesturing for her to think.
Stacy bit her lip. "Signal. Can try and get something out, get Yvonne and the others to help us."
"So we're stuck. In a refrigerator." Stacy said, hands on hips. "And no one's going to come and help us. So we'll freeze to death."
"About sums it up, darling." Richardson agreed.
"How long do we have?"
"By my reckoning - an hour or less. Leaning on the less." Richardson grumbled. It was not looking good.
"Leaning on the less?"
"Forty-Five minutes." Richardson said. "Exactly."
"What?"
"Forty-Five minutes." Richardson repeated. "Let's talk."
And one door that wouldn't work.
Town hall had given them information. The anarchist attacks had been spreading. The photographers were dangerous, but worse were some of the other more destructive alien weapons. Someone was giving them access to high-grade alien weaponry. Some of which, it was reported were stolen from this facility.
Stacy didn't count on being locked in. Only her second mission on the job, and for once, she was having a hard time putting an optimistic spin on things.
She hated the cold. She hadn't realized it before now, but she did. Heat didn't bite you like it did.
"I'm certain you'd feel differently about it if you were being burnt alive right now," Richardson said, as if he could read her mind.
Stacy smirked. There he was. Put Tom in trouble and the sarcasm would arise. It always did.
"You want to talk? I want answers. Why did you put me on this team?" Stacy asked.
Richardson rolled his eyes. "You really want to do this now?"
"I've been meaning to ask."
"Lovey, we don't have the time. We need to move." Richardson insisted.
Stacy bit her lip. He never called her endearing terms unless something was up.
"You ask to talk but you don't want to talk?"
"Oh, come on, we're going to freeze to death. Let's just search the place and see if we can get the damn door open."
* * *
The Hub
Ash stood by Anastasia's bedside in the medical room. She was still in critical. *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* went the machinery she was hooked up to, and the ragged beeping put Ash on more edge than they realized.
Hunter walked in. "She's still doing poorly?"
"Yes." Ash said. "And most of the team is. Mr. Colchester has disappeared, and after you went on in the library, Tania went off in a huff."
"What do you mean?" Hunter asked-
"You know, I really don't want to speak to you." Ash muttered.
"Oi, what did I do wrong?"
Ash looked at him. "Well, you at the very least made Tania upset. And were generally insensitive."
"Insensitive?" Hunter laughed. "You guys are far too sensitive!"
Ash glared at Hunter angrily. He sheepishly became quiet.
"You know, I like you, Hunter, but if you really care that much what's in my pants, or in Tania's, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Ash said sternly.
Hunter became quiet. "I'll go apologize to Tania."
"Good." Ash replied. "And when you're done with that (which I have no doubt will take a while) I need help with something else-"
Suddenly, Anastasia's eyes fluttered.
Ash turned. "Yvonne!!" He called. "She's waking up!!"
* * *
Stacy and Richardson moved through the cold storage building like it was a minefield.
The cold bit through Stacy. She had tried to bundle up, but she only had fingerless gloves, and those weren't exactly helpful for keeping warm in a place like this.
"So, what do we know?" She asked, talking out loud. "One - Someone has locked us in. Two. Weapons have been stolen from this facility by anarchists. Three. You don't want to talk with me, what is with that??"
Richardson glared at her. "I'm thinking. If this place has a plasma cannon or anything advanced, we could use the energy cell as a heat source. Maybe melt the door open."
"Oh, yeah, sure. That actually makes sense. Forget it, yeah, you should be thinking about that. Definitely should be thinking about that." Stacy replied, agreeably.
A few more minutes of silence as they creeped through the halls.
"But also, I like, I know what's going on. The minute your partner gets deep in Torchwood they get all secretive, and like a stone cold efficient guy. And you've done that. Co-Running Torchwood has changed you." She sighed. "And working for it hasn't changed me."
"Would you please be quiet-" Richardson hissed.
Stacy, was shocked, jaw agape, utterly still. As she was just about to get over the stunningness of the thing, they heard a dripping in the distance. And...footsteps.
"Sorry." Richardson whispered. "It's just..."
Stacy whispered back. "Yeah. We're the only ones in here, right?"
* * *
The footsteps grew closer. With every step, they could hear the dripping of some kind of water tap.
Stomp. Drip. Stomp. Drip.
Whatever it was, it was moving towards them.
Whatever it was, it was moving towards them.
"Once again, I would like to humbly request that one of you guys give me gun training sometime." Stacy whispered.
Richardson passed her a pistol.
"Once again, handing me a gun doesn't mean I know how to use it." Stacy said, her voice tinged with frustration.
When most people got stressed, Stacy got angry. It was how she worked. She let that anger bubble up in her chest and she gripped the gun she had no clue how to use tightly. She could be cool under pressure, but things got to her. Like aliens or anarchists or something in a frozen storage unit with a Husband that wouldn't listen to her. That kind of thing. Tended to make one exasperated.
The stomps moved closer.
* * *
Anastasia stepped out of the room. Yvonne had just explained to her what had happened with the photographs and how she had been out for days. Well. It was the second time she had explained it. Evidently after the first time, she collapsed back into the hospital bed for another two days. She felt odd. Which was understandable. She'd been asleep for about four days. That will do that to you.
Ash came up to her. "Oh, Anastasia. You're up. Good to see. You remember anything?"
"Who are you??" Anastasia joked.
"Oh, yes, yes, quite." They laughed. "Well, since you've been out, we've been positively besieged. Mr. Colchester has gone completely missing. Even Colin can't find him. Tania and Hunter are having a brawl over in the other room. I believe she's kicked him in the nuts several times now, and Richardson and Stacy are investigating stolen alien weapons."
"Same as usual, then?" Anastasia replied.
"Well, are you? I would have thought that you would be quite different. Everything that your brain considered as wrong, sinful about you has been systematically removed. While Yvonne believes that she's perfect and can do no wrong, and was fine... I'm fairly sure that you have a more earnest view of yourself."
"I am good." Anastasia said incredibly bluntly. "I will stop evil."
"...Okay." Ash replied, slightly bemused.
"What can I do to help?" Anastasia replied. "I must help those in need."
Well. She was evidently even more altruistic than usual.
* * *
The stomping moved closer, and eventually it rounded the corner. Stacy shook, both from the cold and how despite herself, she actually felt quite nervous.
Richardson gestured. He was going to jump it. Alright. Time for action. Stacy balled her fists, and-
And as they turned the corner, nothing.
"Nothing??" Stacy asked, confused.
"Well, we heard something." Richardson said. "And I think it wants to make us nervous. Fear of the Unknown - it's much less scary when you see it."
"Wow, you, like, really are in your element, huh?" Stacy laughed.
Richardson didn't reply.
In front of them stood a long shafted device. "Plasma Cannon!" Stacy exclaimed, rushing over.
And as she stepped over, the ice flew up her leg, twisting like a spiral and freezing her to a spot. "Tom!!" She called.
"It's a trap!!" Richardson yelled, and he tried to reach for his gun but with that, a wisp of cold air blew him into a shelf, knocking him into the ground. Stacy could see blood dripping on the ice.
"Oh shit oh shit oh fucking shit," Stacy swore, trying to break the ice from creeping up her any further.
"Stacy..." The ice whispered to her. "You know what he has done to you, Stacy..."
"WHAT ARE YOU!?!" Stacy yelled.
"Stacy...He doesn't care about you anymore. He's as cold blooded as we are. Don't you realize?"
"You know, that may be true, but I think I'm a bit unlikely to listen to something that's tearing at my damn leg!" Stacy yelled.
"Poor Stacy. Doesn't realize when her Hubby's been naughty. You don't know about the affairs, do you?"
"The affairs are one of the nicer things he's done. At least someone's been happy with them. The killings have been much worse."
"What is this, you alien freak!?!" Stacy yelled, but he was still unconscious, and bleeding out. "Affairs, maybe. But my Husband is not a murderer!!"
"Stacy...Child. He is. Do you want me to fix him for you? You can ask him."
"You know what you should do, Stacy. Kill him. Kill him and we will let you go!"
"Yeah?!" Richardson growled back. "At least I'm not a bloody alien!!"
"Tom." Stacy said. "Tell me the truth. Is this alien thing lying?"
Richardson sighed. "No. No, it's not. Before Torchwood, before you, I worked as a professional...eliminator. I'm not proud of it. I still get nightmares sometimes. And the affairs? Also true. There's a fellow on Deacon Street. But this thing- this thing is getting to us! You know what it's doing, it's trying to tear us apart, make us mad at eachother, make us violent!"
"Screw you, I know that!" Stacy growled. "I know damn well what it's doing. I read science fiction as a kid. This is important. And so I want you to tell me, Richardson, why. Why did you want me to join Torchwood? I've been berated, I've been used-"
Richardson growled. "You know why? Because I wanted someone who would stick by my side when I made the hard call. That's why."
"Bullshit, Tom! Bullshit." Stacy yelled back.
Richardson sighed. "You're right. Because you're malleable. Because you're inexperienced, because unlike Hunter or Ash, you would do what I want when I asked. Now you can be that malleable stupid girl who does whatever she's told to, and shoot me, or you could live a little and make the right choice."
Stacy yelled. "You've cheated and you've killed, and it's told the truth about that!"
"Kill him. Kill him, Stacy."
"Yeah?!" Richardson growled back. "At least I'm not a bloody alien!!"
"Shoot him! Shoot!"
Stacy turned the gun in her hand, and slowly aimed it.
"WELL!??!?!?" Richardson yelled.
And with a bang, Stacy shot the plasma cannon. And the building exploded.
* * *
The first thing they saw was Yvonne Hartman. "Oh, congratulations. Bravo. You didn't kill each other. That's remarkably lucky. Especially when you shot a Plasma cannon!! You could have died."
Stacy crawled out of the ruins, Richardson behind her.
"I saw it was set to melt by the people who last came through here." Stacy said.
"Well, that's fine and dandy, but those people, the Anarchists who locked you in? They left it there. They could have taken it." Yvonne said. "It's like the whole thing was some kind of ...test."
Stacy glared at Richardson. "Yeah." She said concerned.
Richardson didn't say anything. He was bruised and ashamed.
"There was a note with the cannon. The thing in there, they left the Plasma cannon for Torchwood, when they 'thought we'd have trouble with the manipulative ice monster.' These anarchists...They're run by someone very strange indeed. But that's not the concerning part." Yvonne said. "The note also says that Mr. Colchester... they have him. He's been kidnapped." Yvonne growled. "Whatever's going on, whoever's behind this is playing the long game."
Stacy sighed. "Fine. Yvonne, I will still be back in work tomorrow, but for now, I'm going to talk to my husband."
"Fine by me." Yvonne said, crossing her arms, "But I'm not exactly pleased with either of your behaviors." She walked off.
Anastasia, who had stood by silently the entire time, looked back and forth for a minute, and then shuffled back behind her.
"Alright, Stacy. What kind of Drama is it going to be now?" Richardson asked. "We can fix this, it was an alien, messing with our heads-"
"We're over." Stacy snapped, and with that, she turned off and walked into the distance.
This Story (Hypothetically Starred)
D'Arcy Carden as Stacy Richardson
Ben Mendelsohn as Tom Richardson
Ian Alexander as Ash
Jason Hughes as Brayden Hunter
Natalia Cordova Buckley as Anastasia Rodriquez
Tracy Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman
Frances McDormand as The Ice
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