(PARODY AMONG US): 7.7 Psychomorph
Anastasia stepped into Yvonne’s office.
“I’m here to turn myself in for disobeying a direct order.”
“Quite.” Yvonne said. “You know, this isn’t some sort of Harry Potter scenario where rebellious action is rewarded. Mavericks aren’t what I need in Torchwood Three. I require loyalty.”
“I..I understand. I disobeyed your orders and searched for Object One. I should not have looked for it, finding it...it only brought me pain.”
“Object One!?” Yvonne exclaimed. “All punishments revoked! Take the day off!”
Anastasia nodded, moving off morosely. Yvonne grinned, oblivious to her emotional situation. She did a little (admittedly childish) gig- she felt positively wonderful. Oh, it had been ages. Time to put this whole thing right.
* * *
Object One sat in the lighthouse. Alone at last. Expecting to be alone for quite some time yet. A few centuries at least, she deserved to be left alone. She only gave people bad luck. Literally. Someone like her should remain lost.
“Hello!” Yvonne Hartman said, strolling into the center lighthouse chamber. She placed a glass of wine on the table. “You’re a monolithic entity from beyond time, sealed evil in a can that can’t be comprehended by mortal minds. I’m Yvonne Hartman and I’m Torchwood. Nice to meet you.”
“Oh bugger.” Object One said.
Across the city, someone was walking into a bank. As they gazed at the teller from a distance, their features shifted, and they strolled to the counter.
“Nice to meet you,” they said smoothly. “I’m looking for a withdrawal.”
“Oh-ohh oh! Oh ! Uh!” The Man stuttered, as the creatures features became more masculine and ...attractive to him. To his personal tastes. He was overcome.
“You want to do what I want.” The Creature said, and the Man at the counter nodded agreeably.
“Of course,” he said, lustily.
The creature replied. “Take me inside the Bank Vault.”
“Yes, my love,” the Man said, dazed, leading him inside.
Once inside, the creature repaid the gesture by shooting him in the head.
A few minutes later, the vault was empty. Placed entirely into a bigger on the inside cube, about half the size of a rubrix cube, that the creature placed in it’s pocket. And the creature walked out with a different (albeit still attractive) face.
As a guard stopped them at the exit, They began flirting with them.
They began making out furiously.
This was one of THOSE Torchwood episodes.
* * *
“Oh, damn.” Hunter said, clicking at his computer. “Richardson, we have a security breach in the central bank of Cardiff. Should we look into it?”
Richardson walked over. “Trace it.” He mumbled.
The computer beeped, and a blue light appeared on the projection of the map of Cardiff.
“That’s directly in the center of Cardiff’s recent rift activity,” Richardson mused. “Hunter, We have a problem.”
“Should I call Yvonne?” Hunter asked.
“No, no, I don’t think so. She’s busy.” Richardson replied.
“And Stacy won’t talk to you anymore, and Anastasia has the day off, so…”
"Call Tania and Ash. We need to get moving." Richardson said, adjusting his coat lapels, and strolling out of the Hub with confidence. Hunter stood there. "Um, sir, do I close the computer?" He meekishly asked.
* * *
Sergeant Andy Davison had found his fifth body this week, and this one wasn't looking appealing.
Oh, never mind, none of them ever really looked appealing, but these ones were especially grotesque. And not because of the blood.
Richardson and Hunter walked into the bank, Richardson in a tuxedo with longcoat and Hunter behind him.
"Brief me." Richardson said.
"Oh, hi. Um, Yvonne told me about you, Richardson, isn't it? Nice to meet you." Andy extended his hand.
"Brief me-" Richardson repeated, focused. Andy withdrew his hand awkwardly. "Okay, so we've got a basic GSW right here - that's Gunshot Wound -"
"I know what it means-"
"Yeah, basic GSW to the head, impact was small and precise - didn't even exit the skull, so there's not much blood, mind. But ew. Gives me the willies. Internal Security Cams didn't get a clear view of the perp, but we think there may have been two - one of the cams reveals...umm, let’s say very feminine features, and the other - what appears to be a nude...quite fit... man....um, The other body over here-” Andy gestured, suddenly, “-appears to have had his carotid artery severed with some kind of garrote. Both of them show signs of, how can I say this....” Andy trailed off.
“Heavy Excretions in the Nether Regions.” Hunter said, looking at the most noticeable thing about both of the bodies.
“Yes, quite, one of those. Ew. Thought I’d call you lot, but you’re already here. Oh, by the way, um, has Yvonne, um, mentioned me recently? I haven’t seen her since the Court Case, you know, that one where she was acquitted for the whole God incident?”
“No.” Richardson said bluntly, beckoning Hunter, and they walked out,
“Call me any time!” Andy called cheerfully as they exited.
Oh, bollocks. He missed Jack and Gwen.
* * *
Hunter walked up to Richardson. “Okay, so, is this sort of, I’ll just say it, sex alien thingy normal around here?”
“Yes.” Richardson said, again, quite bluntly, and sounding rather tired.
“But like, you’ll be fine, right? Stacy said you’re asexual.”
“No, I just said that so we didn’t have to have a physical relationship.” Richardson said.
Hunter took a moment to take this in, not really wanting to analyze this relationship. “So, you’re, um, straight?”
Richardson laughed. “No one in Torchwood is straight,” he said, suddenly quiet again.
They continued to walk down the street. “I mean, I’m straight.” Hunter said.
“I’ve seen the way you look at Ash, Hunter. You’re not that straight.” Richardson replied. “I believe I have an idea of what we’re dealing with here,” he said.
“Really? Are sex aliens, like, so frequent around here that you can identify them that quickly? Do you have like codes for them and whatnot?” Hunter asked.
“Yes,” Richardson replied yet again.
* * *
Yvonne poured Object One a glass of Wine. “It’s been a long While since I’ve dealt with the Committee.” She said. “Last time was two years ago. God came to Earth. It was nasty. Torchwood nearly collapsed, in fact it did, and I was imprisoned and put on trial. Had exhausted all my options. Luckily I got out of it. When Richardson turned up, it turns out that I did in fact have one last connection. Jack and the others have gone off, they travel the world, away from the remnants of the Committee. Setting up Torchwood across the globe again. Colchester came back to his husband Colin, but we’re the last of the Old Guard. So. Let’s just say I don’t want to have to deal with you lot again.”
“I knew all of that.” Object One replied.
“Then you could have interrupted me sooner,” Yvonne said, sickly sweet. “You have to understand. I worked for the Committee once. It nearly ruined any sense of self I had left. I’m willing to do anything to stop them from rising again. So. You know what I’m here to do.”
She proffered the wine.
Object One declined. “I do not drink. I do not have a throat.”
“Pity.” Yvonne replied, downing it. “I sorely need one right now.”
She sighed. “You know what I’m going to do. Of course you do. Object One has plagued us for Centuries, it was the first thing Victoria discovered when she set up this whole organization. It is the first thing on our charter, the one rule we must obey. If we have the capability, Object One must be destroyed.”
Object One did not react. “I know. I do not blame you.” She replied.
“Oh, thank god.” Yvonne said, taking an alien gun out of her picket.
* * *
The Hub
"Orr," Richardson began, pointing to a whiteboard with an crude illustration of them in Expo Marker. "We once thought that they were the last of their kind. They're somewhere on Earth, travelling with Captain Jack Harkness. This - this killer - it seems to be another member of their species. A species that transforms physically, depending on the nearby attractions of the individuals nearby."
"So...we're dealing with a shapeshifter that makes people horny?" Hunter muttered. "I swear, how did I get this job-"
"They're a sexual psychomorph," Richardson explained, "And they're using their abilities to stay hidden. We need to find a way to coax them out of hiding." He rolled the whiteboard over, a map on the other side. "This is a map of all of the high-end places in Cardiff. The expensive places, the ones that are a prime target for criminals - and they have the best security."
"What are we going to do? We don't have a pattern yet, we don't have anything."
"That's not exactly true. I went over the scene and discovered a pattern. Both of the Guards at the scene that got killed were male."
"Not much of a pattern, two people." Hunter responded.
"Ordinarily, yes." Richardson responded. "But I've checked with composite data surrounding all of the other robberies over the past six months. During all of them, the robberies occurred during shifts where there were no Female guards. Granted, they can't all be our target, but it is interesting data."
"So our genderless shapeshifting alien has a thing for guys." Hunter said.
"Working theory."
Ash ran in. They were positively scorched - covered in dirt, and well, Ash. Bruises all over them. Their usual feather boa was torn. "Okay, um, so - sorry to interrupt - massive firebombing."
* * *
"Anarchists," Richardson said, looking at the rubble. "The same ones we've been dealing with for this past month."
"The ones that have Mr. Colchester." Hunter said, worriedly. "We....they didn't have this firepower on our records."
"No," Ash replied. "They didn't."
The rubble of the building was burning - thick metal wire and stone kicked up in the blast stuck out of the dirt like something out of Mordor.
"What building was it?" Richardson asked.
"...Anastasia's flat." Ash said. "And she's gone missing."
They stared at the flaming rubble.
"Mrs. Thenardier was killed in the blast." Ash continued, solemn.
"We're finding whoever's behind this." Richardson said, with a growl.
* * *
Ash's pocket buzzed. He picked up the Phone, and placed it on speaker. "Sergeant Andy- How did you get this number?"
"Are you kidding me?" Andy asked. "That's the question you're gonna ask now? Look, I've - I know there was a bombing, but I think it was a distraction. There's been another robbery. High End Jewelry Store."
"Address!" Richardson demanded, walking over to a nearby Car.
"Um, 127 Clermont."
Richardson with little effort carjacked the vehicle open and revved the engine.
"Oh, oh my, is that legal?" Ash asked.
"That's the question you're asking now?" Hunter laughed, quickly getting in the passenger seat.
Ash awkwardly tumbled in behind them and with a rush, the car blazed down the street.
* * *
The Psychomorph took shape - walking down the street, carrying the stolen jewelry in a purse.
Feeling the needs of those around them, it changed it's face and walked into the bustling crowd.
* * *
Richardson moved so quickly, the car nearly crashed in front of Clermont Street Jewelry.
Hunter and Ash barrelled out of the crowd.
Andy pointed. "They got off into the crowd. We're trying to seal off the area."
"No, that won't work. If someone here has a thing for people in uniform, the psychomorph can just take that shape and walk out of here as an officer." Richardson grumbled. "How much time do we have?"
"Little if we're going to catch him." Hunter replied. "Let's get moving."
The four of them moved into the crowd.
Looking, left, right, anywhere around them.
"People." Andy said. "Just...People."
"Look for the ones that are most attractive to you." Richardson grumbled.
Andy sighed. "Really-"
Hunter pointed. "Wait, why is there a second Ash over there?"
The psychomorph, having accidentally taken shape thanks to Hunter, suddenly transformed into it's real form, a clear skinned alien, and ran.
"Told you." Commented Richardson to Hunter as they gave chase.
Ash awkwardly stood there, confused.
Andy yelled. "Police! Make way!" As they ran through the crowd.
Murmurs from the crowd. Sighs. "Bloody Torchwood."
* * *
As the creature turned into an alleyway, Richardson tackled it. It took a new face, a laughing human male as the others caught up. "Oh, you miserable humans." It laughed maniacally.
"You work for the anarchists, don't you? Who are you?" Hunter yelled.
"I am Myx. I do what pleases me. None of you really please me."
"You've committed robberies. You've killed." Ash said.
"Oh, but they liked it-" It said in a disturbing fashion.
Richardson punched it in the jaw.
"What have your friends done to Anastasia and Colchester?!? Where are They!?!" Hunter yelled.
Myx laughed. "Anarchy will have his way with you. I've already stolen enough to fund plenty of their new ventures. Soon this city will fall, and aliens like myself - we will have a haven on this pitiful earth, away from your constant urges and posturing."
"Anarchy's Alien?"
"Anarchy is Human. And You'll Never Get To Them." It smiled, with perfect teeth. Or not.
"Cyanide capsule!" Richardson yelled, but Myx bit down and died there on the street.
Andy swore.
Richardson sighed. "Return the jewelry they have on it to it's owners. We're done here."
* * *
Yvonne aimed the gun at Object One's locket at the table. "This was designed to kill specifically you, you know. Object One's destruction has always been Torchwood's goal."
"But it is not the Committees. And Torchwood and the Committee - they are two sides of the same - bad penny." Object One laughed at it's little pun. "You do know that, don't you? The Committee and Torchwood will both never die. They will duel on every planet and in every star forever. They still are now."
"The Committee is dead." Yvonne scowled.
"The Committee is alive." Object One retorted. "You honestly believed that what you were fighting were just anarchists? We both used to be the champions of the Committee. You aren't anymore. And I don't want to be either."
"What are you saying?"
"You can kill me here. Or I could help you. I want to join Torchwood." Object One said. "You have the technology to neutralize my anti-probability field, make me neither lucky or unlucky, and- I could help you."
Yvonne laughed. "You're a pendant. With a Holographic Projection."
"A solid holographic projection. Yvonne Hartman, the question is, do you want to end my future here - or do you want to let me be something more, learn like you have?"
Yvonne bit her lip.
"What's your choice?"
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Ben Mendelsohn as Tom Richardson
Jason Hughes as Brayden Hunter
Tom Price as Andy Davidson
Ian Alexander as Ash
Tracy Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman
Cher as Object One
Steven Cree as Myx
Natalia Cordova Buckley as Anastasia Rodriquez
Katy Manning as Mrs. Thenardier
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