NCBBDAS: Dates and Numbers
NCBBDAS: Dates and Numbers
Starring Brenda Blethyn and Linda Hamilton
Chapter One
The TARDIS. The Doctor standing outside Sarah Connor's bedroom door.
"Sarah, we really need to do something about your gun habit." The Doctor called, sternly. Arms crossed.
The Door opened. Sarah Connor, carrying 23 Guns put her hand on her hip sarcastically. One of the guns nearly went off. "I don't have a problem about guns." She insisted, hardly noticing.
"Sarah, you know how the TARDIS develops it's internal architecture based on it's current occupants like and dislikes?" The Doctor asked.
Sarah Connor nodded, not knowing where this was going.
"Your room is made ENTIRELY OUT OF GUNS." The Doctor said.
"And it's fucking awesome," said Sarah Connor, taking a cigarette out of her pocket, and adjusting her sunglasses - which despite the relative moody lighting of the TARDIS corridors, was a constant fixture.
"Oh come on, poppet, put that down," The Doctor tried to slap the box out of her hand. "It's not healthy, innit?"
Sarah Connor walked into the TARDIS wardrobe, and within seconds came out of it on a motorbike, which she revved dramatically.
"Oh, boy." The Doctor muttered.
"Let's hunt aliens!" Sarah Connor shrieked. "Who are we hunting down this week?"
The Doctor bit her lip. "Okay, um, I'm not quite sure ye got how this whole thing works..."
The Doctor walked back to the central console room as Sarah Connor revved the motorcycle at ludicrous speeds up and down the TARDIS corridors.
The Doctor sighed, eventually reaching the central TARDIS room. A few moments later, Sarah revved back in, pumping a shotgun in midair.
"Okay, alright then! You know what, I'm just- I'm just going to give you the companion speedrun course. Get you really knowing how to do it, folks who lead by example. And maybe even speak your language, eh?" The Doctor pressed buttons manically.
"Where are you taking us?"
"UNIT. 70s or 80s? Maybe the 60s, depending on the Dating Protocol. Big Military Chaps, but they've worked with me. Hopefully talking to them will get through to you how to, well, be a better person."
Sarah Connor shrugged.
"You could certainly do with a talk to Jo Grant or the Brig- just got to make sure I land in a point where I'm not there in that era, some real precision work," The Doctor rambled. "Wouldn't want to disrupt the timeline."
The TARDIS shook.
"Oh, bugger."
* * *
Victorian manor. The TARDIS landed on it's side on the front lawn, by the moody gates and gargoyles.
Sarah Connor climbed out of the TARDIS. "Huh. The buildings are all pointy."
"Ooh, oh darn, me back," The Doctor said, climbing out behind her. "Oh, dearie me." She said, at last on the dewy dark green ground. "It's a bit, mm, morose, shall we say? This is not right at all."
"What?"
"Wrong smell." The Doctor muttered.
Sarah Connor turned to her, confused by the statement.
The Doctor looked back, suddenly realizing to explain. "Oh, um, wrong era. Sorry. Landed in the wrong spot."
"No - Joe Grant? Briggy? Who are these guys? Why aren't they here?" Sarah Connor asked.
"Oh, it's the danger of crossing your own timeline, you can overshoot. Hey, this is a lovely era, though. I'm certain that-"
The door of the Victorian household swung open, and the Doctor's jaw dropped to the floor as Brigadier Lethbridge Stewart stepped out of the household, aiming a gun at them, barking. "On your knees!" He commanded.
Chapter Two
"What are you doing here?"
"I say, what an impertinent woman you are. I ask the questions here, Madam." The Brigadier snapped. The Doctor began to notice his Victorian era uniform, and began to get increasingly concerned.
"If it's not so much to ask," Sarah Connor asked, "What year is this?"
"I ask the questions here, Madam!" The Brigadier repeated, before relenting. "1860."
"Hey, the 60s or 70s, like you said!" Sarah Connor said, happily unaware it was the wrong century.
"Silence!" The Brigadier commanded.
"Look, Brigadier, I'm the Doctor!" The Doctor tried to explain.
The Brigadier fired his gun in midair as to make a point. Sarah Connor reached for hers, but the Doctor grabbed her hand and stopped her.
"You shall come inside. I shall want to interrogate you, as to how you have gotten onto private property shortly.
The Doctor raised her hands, and gestured for Sarah to follow, which she begrudingly did.
* * *
In cells, Sarah Connor groaned. "These are your friends?"
"That's the Brigadier at least. Or at least in a Victorian guise. Even more upper-crust and business than before." The Doctor mused. "Whatever this is, it's clearly some kind of result of the TARDIS crashing and the already ripe for confusion UNIT Dating Controversy."
"I can't imagine wanting to date anyone in UNIT." Sarah Connor said dismissively.
"There's a really great audio about that." The Doctor tried to mention, but the doors slid open.
"The Brigadier says you are intruders," The woman said. "I am Lady Josephine." She was an imposingly dressed woman in a Victorian ballgown.
"Jo?" The Doctor asked, confused.
"What? No, I am not Jo." Jo said. "I am Lady Josephine of the House Grant." She smiled, slightly dizzily.
“Well, Lady Josephine,” Sarah Connor spat, “You let us out, and I won’t dislocate your spine from your-”
“Oi! Stop that! I know Jo well, don’t you dare!” The Doctor groaned. “Apologies, I really don’t know how She ever..”
Jo, in her moment of fear had already unlocked the cell door. “Eep.” She said.
Sarah Connor and the Doctor rushed out as fast as they could, the Doctor yelling at Sarah all the while.
* * *
“Well, that escape plan may have worked, but,” The Doctor was cut off by a sharp “Shhhh…” from Sarah Connor. Sarah pointed at the Brigadier, sitting at an office desk in the hallway. They hid behind a corner.
He was writing away, rather furiously, his quill splattering ink across his desk, which added even more to his enraged nature.
“Whatever’s happening here, to this whole temporal anomaly, You gotta understand it’s still the Brigadier, alright, luv? No shooty shooty!” The Doctor insisted.
“Are we certain it’s not a Zygon thing or something? If it’s a Zygon, can I shoot him?” Sarah Connor begged.
But the argument was null and void, as a laser blast fired from across the room, and The Brigadier was struck against the wall, suddenly dead. A man in black armor with red and blue fluorescent highlights stomped into the room.
“Rather TRON,” Sarah Connor remarked, as the man turned, to remove his helmet.
Another Brigadier.
Chapter Three
The Future Brigadier stomped across the room with his laser rifle - a Future Captain Yates entering the room behind him, in the same futuristic armor.
“Let me guess, this is really stretching the whole UNIT Dating concepts. Instead of being in the 1970s or 1980s, it’s sometime in the 1870s or 2480s, and they’re bashing into each other. Wrong points in time, but with complete Classical UNIT - Jo Grant, The Brig, Yates and Benton!” The Doctor explained,
“I understand time bullshit, I did time bullshit before you,” Sarah Connor snapped.
“Ooh, I’m sorry for trying to be considerate. I guess I won’t explain anything else that happens.” The Doctor hit back.
The TRON Brigadier stomped around the room and sprayed the room with some kind of sci Fi device - the room reverting from the Victorian era to the TRON time period.
“We must revise the temporal signatures of all we encounter. The anomaly must be destroyed.” The TRON Brigadier stated.
“Yes, sir.” Said TRON Yates and Benton.
“Might be the time to run,” The Doctor whispered to Sarah Connor. “If they catch us, they’ll try to revert us to their time reality.”
“I caught that.” Sarah Connor said.
“Oh, come on!” The Doctor said, taking Sarah Connor down the hallway in the opposite direction from the Space Brig. “Hopefully this UNIT estate has enough rooms that we can figure out somewhere to work this out at…”
* * *
Rushing down the hallways, the Doctor and Sarah Connor finally had to stop behind another filing cabinet.
A Banana walked into the room, a Banana balanced on stick legs. Someone had put a crude fake Brigadier mustache on it. Behind it, walked a Banana with a Jo Grant wig on and a feathery little dress, and two Bananas in Military uniform.
“What the fuck-” Sarah Connor began.
“I said I wouldn’t explain anything.” The Doctor said obstinately.
Suddenly a portal opened, and a Banana with the same fake mustache as the Brigadier banana, but in a TRON uniform shot the Brigadier Banana down.
The Jo Grant Banana screamed. “Bananaaaaa!!” Before she too was cruelly shot down by a Jo Grant Banana in Victorian dress. The Lady Josephine Banana. Who began to fistfight the TRON Brigadier Banana in a brutal fashion, bashing it into the wall repeatedly. Suddenly a Captain Yates walked in, but instead of being a Banana he was an apple. He was then torn apart by a Captain Yates who was a chair. Who was then attacked by a Captain Yates who was a Drag Queen. Who was then stabbed by a Captain Yates who was a Drag Queen Chair.
“What the fuck?”
“Still not explaining. Run!”
“How can a Chair be a drag Queen?”
“The same way a person can be a drag Queen, except they’re a chair. Be accepting,” the Doctor snapped. They ran out of the room at great speed.
* * *
“We’re no longer facing just time bashing into itself. Course it started like that - I think this is a complete multiversal collapse, fueled by the UNIT organization of different eras that are also the same UNIT, from different universes…” The Doctor mused. “Oh feckin hell, I have no bloody clue.”
Sarah Connor considered this carefully. “I think the solution is guns.” She stated.
“Guns aren’t going to work! There are dimensions of UNIT that are made of guns! There are dimensions of UNIT that are made of atom bombs! There are dimensions of UNIT that are made out of the fucking Moment from the Time Lord vaults!” The Doctor shrieked. “The infinite dimension theory has finally made it into this series, don’t you get it? There’s legitimately nothing we can possibly do to fight something like that. The infinite Dimension theory is insane and stupid! You can’t fight infinite!”
“Shoot it!”
“THERE’S NOTHING TO FUCKING SHOOT,” The Doctor screeched, alerting the Nearby Bananas to their presence.
Chapter Four
"Banana!" said a Banana Brigadier, who was wearing a jacket with VARIANT written on it.
Turning to run, the TRON Brigadier came up behind them, followed by a Jo Grant who was literally the manifestation of death.
"Oh, thank god, versions of you that aren't Bananas!" The Doctor whined. "This is seriously overwhelming. The very concept of the multiverse, while cool, is inherently insane, and-"
The TRON Brigadier took off his jacket, revealing two trenchcoats inside of a kid.
"I can't. I-I Can't, alright? I'm sorry, I just can't today." The Doctor said, breathing heavily.
The Trenchcoats jumped up and down awkwardly.
Suddenly, with a blast of light, a Brigadier who was Jesus descended from the sky. "Yes, it is I, I have returned," said Brigadier Jesus. "This is incredibly offensive!"
A Benton who was Mary Poppins flew by, and The Doctor resigned herself to their fate. "Alright, um, Sarah?"
Sarah Connor nodded to show she was listening.
"Forget literally everything I said about guns. The multiverse is degenerate, shoot it."
Sarah Connor cheered, and proceeded to take an Uzi out of her pocket and fire madly into the crowd.
This did, all in all, very little, due to the multiversal dimensional pileup of Brigadiers, Jo's, Yates nad Bentons.
Suddenly a Bambera fell out of the sky, and was forgotten by the BBC because god forbid we ever acknowledge Bambera's existence outside of fanfic.
The Doctor lay on the floor, ready to be steamrolled by the crowd of hostile UNIT, when suddenly everything was alright, and no one was there, but a single Mike Yates.
"Hi, I'm from the alternate dimension where there are no alternate dimensions," said Mike Yates. "It's a theoretical possibility, because the multiverse contains everything!"
Sarah Connor made a disappointed face, and The Doctor sighed. "Okay. Um. I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. Let's get out of here as fast as we possibly can."
Mike Yates called to the Doctor and Sarah Connor as they walked into the distance. "I'm also very annoying and love repeating the word tea. tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea, tea-"
The Doctor led Sarah Connor to the TARDIS, and opened the door. "Please. let's just go literally anywhere else."
"Yay, I learned nothing from this!" Sarah Connor said, stepping inside, and the TARDIS disappeared, and the only sound that could be heard was a single mike yates repeating the word 'tea' in the distance.
The End
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