NCBDDAS: Doctor Who and The Why Are There So Many Fucking People in The TARDIS, holy shit
NCBBDAS: Doctor Who and The Why are There So Many Fucking People in The TARDIS, holy shit
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton, Carole Ann Ford, Jemma Powell, William Russell, Maureen O’Brien, Peter Purves, Ajaz Awad, Jean Marsh, Tom Allen, Lauren Cornelius, Anneke Wills, Eliott Chapman, Frazier Hines, Deborah Watling, Wendy Padbury, John Culshaw, Daisy Ashford, Katy Manning, Sadie Miller, Christopher Naylor, Louise Jameson, Jane Slavin, Mary Tamm, Lalla Ward, John Leeson, Matthew Waterhouse, Sarah Sutton, Janet Fielding, George Watkins, Mark Strickson, John Culshaw again, Nicola Bryant, Caroline Morris, Robert Jezek, John Pickard, Maggie Stables, Lisa Greenwood, Miranda Raison, Robyn Holdaway, Bonnie Langford, Sophie Aldred, Lisa Bowerman, Tracey Childs, Beth Chalmers, Phillip Oliver, Jessica Martin, Maggie O’ Neil, Amy Pemberton, Yasmin Bannerman, Travis Oliver, Daphne Ashbrook, Yee Jee Tso, Julie Cox, Callum Blue, India Fisher, Conrad Westmaas, Sheridan Smith, Niky Wardley, Ruth Bradley, Nicola Walker, Hattie Morahan, Mark Bonnar, Alex Kingston in a Nun Outfit, Rebecca Root, Tom Price, Amina Zia, Avita Jay, David Shaw-Parker, Jeremy Clyde, Joel James Davison, Alan Cox, Rakhee Thakrar, Carolyn Pickles, Camilla Beput, Jayne McKenna, Billie Piper, Camille Coduri, Absolutely No One Else That Travelled with the Ninth Doctor, Freema Ageyman, Catherine Tate, Georgia Tennant, Alex Kingston again, Jane Slavin again, Joe Sims, Michelle Ryan, Lindsay Duncan, Bernard Cribbins, Karen Gillian, Arthur Darvill, Alex Kingston again, James Corden (yes, really), Neve McIntosh, Dan Starkey, Catrin Stewart, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Jenna Coleman, Alex Kingston again, Jemma Redgrave, Ingrid Oliver, Matt Lucas, Pearl Mackie, Mandip Gill, Tosin Cole, Bradley Walsh, and John Bishop
Featuring All the Book, Comic, and Fancast companions I neglected to mention
From a prompt by Duracell
Chapter One
“HOLY FUCK WHY ARE THERE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE TARDIS,” Sarah Connor yelled, suddenly unable to breathe due to the sheer number of people in the TARDIS, of which there were so many that the air supply was suddenly nonexistent due to the fact that people were every single molecule of the infinite expanse that is the TARDIS’s interior dimensions.
“AGGGGhhhHGghhhhhHhh,” said the Doctor, coughing up Mary Shelley
* * *
“You know this is just really fucking odd,” the Doctor said, “off the wall. Just. Really deranged. I. I do not know how to react to this.”
Sarah Connor nodded, or at least tried to, but instead of a chin, she had several Clara Oswalds.
“Do you think there will be an explanation?” The Doctor asked. “Or? Like, Is this just our life now? An elaborate unfunny joke that’s never going to cease, never going to end? I mean? I just, don’t know how to process, this really, luv.”
Sarah Connor shrugged, or at least tried to, but her shoulders were weighed down by the dead body of Adric.
“Hi, I’m Nardole!” Said Nardole, who fell out of The Doctor’s ear.
* * *
“This, is just? Wow.” The Doctor muttered. “This is- this is geniunely traumatic.”
“Yes, this is very bad,” Sarah Connor agreed, unsure how else to add to it.
“I mean, I usually have some sort of vague way I’m supposed to respond to things. Like, if there’s a Dalek, I am like, ‘oh, no, run! That’s the most dangerous creature in the universe!’ And if there’s a Cyberman, I’m like, ‘why are you like this, Cyberman! You don’t need to keep upgrading people, it’s morally wrong, and I’m gonna stop you!’ But, well, I’m quite unsure how to react to every single one of my companions taking up every atom of space in the TARDIS. It’s not something that I, well, have a pre-programmed response for. Usually when something this strange happens, I’m intrigued, but I can’t help but feel the overriding reaction of ‘what the fuck,’ coming into being a little stronger than that. I’ve been on autopilot I think, a bit. Just for a while, you know. Having our fun little adventures, you know how it is? But? How do I respond to my departed and dead fellas deciding to take up the atoms of existence?”
“Well,” Sarah Connor replied. “We could try eating them.”
“No,” The Doctor said disparagingly.
“See, you are on auto-pilot. That was an auto-pilot response. No, Sarah, your ideas are rubbish, you aren’t allowed to kill people, it is bad,” Sarah Connor replied.
“I am not eating my friends. It’s impolite.” The Doctor snarked back. She tried to cross her arms indignantly, but she could not move them thanks to Dodo Chaplet being there.
“Well,” Sarah asked. “Do we have any other ideas?”
Chapter Two
“Is this Scherzo?” The Doctor asked. “I mean, it’s the opposite of Scherzo, probably. Scherzo was an infinity of nothing, this is? An infinity of something. Many things. Most of them Clara Oswald.”
“Hi, I’m Clara Oswald!” Said three-hundred different Clara Oswald’s.
“…can they say anything else? Can any of the companions here say anything else?” Sarah Connor asked.
“Hi, I’m Adric!” Said Adric’s dead body.
“Hi, I’m Sarah Connor,” Sarah Connor replied politely.
“No, don’t say that!” The Doctor said, “it could be like Midnight! We could be facing an evil space anomaly, that would make sense!”
“No, I’m pretty sure, it’s just a lot of people in the TARDIS,” Sarah Connor responded.
“You have no imagination.” The Doctor groaned.
“Gun,” replied Sarah Connor.
* * *
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I’m actually getting bored. In a weird existential horror way, I’m getting bored. I’m terrified, this place is mostly made of my friends, some of which are dead and talking to me, and I’m bored!”
“I think that’s called getting tired.” Sarah Connor said.
“Oh my god, I’m getting tired.” The Doctor said. “Wait, why aren’t you getting tired?”
“I’m an android. I miss getting tired.” Sarah Connor grunted.
“Oh, right. I forget that. I forget how inherently absurd traveling with a fictional character from the Terminator movies is. You know, I didn’t even like the Terminator movies.”
“They’re good movies!”
“Bit too close to home, mind.” The Doctor muttered. “Though I’d watch anything right now if I could move. Do anything, really. How are you doing? Holding up?”
“My legs are hydraulic, I am remarkably good at holding up.”
“But you’re, you’re like the terminator now. Metal body, organic skin. Would think that would be an emotional thing or something.”
“It is!” Sarah Connor said. “I - I don’t know! I hate it, yeah, but, I’m not gonna be like, ‘oooh, yeah, let me just stop existing for the first time,’ I like existing! Why the hell are you bringing this up!”
“To distract me from the fact that I’m stepping in Ryan Sinclair.”
Chapter Three
“So. I’ve discovered recently that I can move my right pinky.” The Doctor said.
“Oh, I can move at any time. I’ll just tear through several people to do so.”
“And you haven’t? I thought that you wanted to kill crap.”
“Not if they’re your friends.”
“Well, that’s sweet.” The Doctor said, smiling. “Sometimes I wonder why I travel with you and then I realize how good of a heart you really have. Deep down, you’re nothing but a sweetie.”
Sarah Connor remained silent for a moment. “So to clarify, now that you’re *aware* of a way out, you won’t let me burst through several people’s mindless human tissue to free us?”
“Bout sums it up.” The Doctor murmurred. “We have to figure out a way out of this that doesn’t involve a robot slamming through hundreds of possibly alive humans, or me eating people.”
“Scherzo involved eating people.” Sarah Connor said.
“How the bloody fuck do you know about Scherzo holy shit-”
“I’ll explain later. You said you could move your right pinky? Can you grab your Sonic screwdriver?”
“No, on two counts. One, You can’t hold a Sonic screwdriver with one finger, you need two fingers to hold something. Two, it’s in the linen cupboard, I wasn’t expecting the world to be people!”
“Perhaps it has to do with the fact that all of these people have been in the TARDIS.” Sarah Connor said. “Maybe it’s temporal echoes.”
“No, I’m pretty sure, it’s just a lot of people in the TARDIS,” the Doctor replied jokingly.
…
“Seriously, how long does it take for a time lord to resort to cannibalism? I’m really getting bored.” Sarah Connor groaned.
* * *
“I’m starting to get the idea that they aren’t alive.” The Doctor said. “They’re protruding from pretty much everywhere, taking up every single atom, and minus the occasional, ‘hi,’ they’re absolutely silent. I - I don’t think this lines up, really. Not as much, no, I don’t think they’re really sentient. Or anything close.”
“So, you’re going to let me use my super robot strength and punch our way free?”
“…I regret to say, it does appear to be our only option.” The Doctor replied. “They aren’t alive, it’s fine!”
Sarah Connor, with a single swing, punched her way straight through Tegan Jovanka’s chest. Blood poured out, like a bucket of water had just been overturned.
“ARRRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!” Tegan screamed
“Wait, no, they’re alive. Never mind.”
Chapter Four
“Fecking hell, you’ve just punched through bloody Tegan,” The Doctor shrieked, horrified.
Sarah Connor raised her blood covered fist questioning the logic behind this. “…Um, this is your fault!” She quickly blurted, as The Doctor desperately moved her right pinky towards the empty space that was
formerly inhabited by Tegan (now lying on the floor)
“OW OW OW OW SHIT OH FUCK SHIT OH FUCK OH FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCKING SHIT” Screamed Tegan, gyrating in pain. “AAAAAGRRGRGRGRHHHHHHHHH OWWWW I’M REALLY SENTIENT AND EVERYTHING HURTS SO MUCH, I AM AWARE OF EVERY BIT OF THIS, OH GOD, THE HORROR, AAAAAHHHH!”
“Sarah, what the fuck,” The Doctor shrieked.
“OWWWWW, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST I AM IN AGONY AAARRRGHHHHHHH OH GOD DOCTOR HELP AAAAHHHHHHHH,” shrieked Tegan, shaking in shock, and then gradually moving to a stop.
“Tegan! OH MY GOD TEGAN AAAHHHHHH,” moaned The Doctor,
distraught.
Sarah Connor looked directly at the camera. “ Out, damned spot! out, I say!--One: two: why, then, 'tis time to do't.--Hell is murky!--Fie, my lord, fie! a soldier, and afeard? What need we fear who knows it, when none can call our power to account?--Yet who would have thought the old man to have had so much blood in him? The thane of Tegan had a wife: where is she now?--What, will these hands ne'er be clean?--No more o' that, my lord, no more o' that: you mar all with this starting! Here's the smell of the blood still: all the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand. Oh, oh, oh!”
The Doctor turned, gazing directly at the camera now as well. “ Foul whisperings are abroad: unnatural deeds Do breed unnatural troubles: infected minds To their deaf pillows will discharge their secrets: More needs she the divine than the physician. God, God forgive us all! Look after her;Remove from her the means of all annoyance, And still keep eyes upon her. So, good night:My mind she has mated, and amazed my sight. I think, but dare not speak. And incidentally, a very merry Christmas to all of you at home!”
* * *
“And that was my script submission for the NCBBDAS!” Said Steven Moffat.
The writer’s room looked at the famous Doctor Who writer oddly.
Moffat shuffled in his shoes.
“Bit pretentious?” He proffered.
The End
Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor
Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor
no, fuck You, and thanks much
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