NCJDDAS: Farmin’ In The Country

A Foreword: I didn’t write this one. This is a completely unofficial story made by a fan to follow up Countryfile Conundrum, and although I wrote a solution to that, (see Heaven Bent) It’s also brilliant and very funny. In my mind, this story is fully canon, so I put a scene at the end to make it so! Enjoy!

NCJDDAS Fanfic: Farmin’ In The Country
By Gallifrey_Immigrant
An adventure with Plum Pudding’s Judi Dench Doctor, and Danny Devito, a sequel to Plum Pudding’s “The Countryfile Conundrum”
Green fields covered the plains, and swayed in the harsh breeze. Up above, in the clouds, if one was inclined, one could tell a storm was brewing. Angry, dark clouds, filled with rain, were amassing, darkening the verdant ground below. And in the distance, a blue box appeared on the ground. Out of the box ran a man who had a torn-up, bloody shirt, and several wounds on his body. Honestly, he was lucky to be alive.
“OW!” screamed the man.
Right behind him, a female humanoid, who might appear human, but was actually a creature far older, sauntered behind him. She looked like an elderly—ok, she looked like Judi Dench in a black robe. Her face was twisted in confusion, as she paid her bleeding companion no attention. “Weird. That was an April Fools Day story, a riff on Countryfile—why is it still going on? It was a random gag... ”
“I’m bleeding, Doctor” complained the companion.
“Yes, but you’ll live. The author seems to have retconned your death, Danny, “ said the Doctor. At saying his name, she suddenly looked at Danny, focusing all her gaze on him. “And where are we?”
“Good question,” said a nice, smiling man who looked farmerly, and probably did farmer things. He wore a simple shirt, and some denim pants. “I’m Ellie, I think. I belong here, and I file the country.”
“And I’m Matt,” said a nice blonde lady, who was clearly the one in charge. “I manage the farmerly things, and do farmerly things too. Probably raise chickens and stuff. We’re in the British countryside, and we’re waiting for some British royals.”
The two people smiled at the Doctor and Danny Devito (this wasn’t actually the actor Danny Devito, but a random guy with Danny Devito’s memories...listen, just read Plum Puddings’ NCJDDAS Season 1, ok?). Danny looked at the Doctor for an idea of what exactly was going on, and the Doctor looked as confused.
The Doctor opened her mouth, and started “I don’t think--” when she was cut off by a bolt of lightning. “Holy shindig that was loud! Wait, what? What the fuchsia? I can’t curse!”
“Can’t do no cursing over in nice BBC territory, madam,” said Matt. “Bountiful Big Crops territory.”
The wind suddenly began to pick up. It started to twist around the group, and Danny felt his jacket whip around him. The Doctor’s robe barely moved, and Matt and Ellie’s cloths didn’t budge at all. But the TARDIS, however, literally floated away.

“The TARDIS is getting away!” said Danny, and he ran to follow it. Surprisingly, the wind seemed to be trying to specifically get in his way. He could only watch as the blue box went up and up, far into the sky. When he stopped, all he could see was fields of green grass. And then something large in the distance. Whatever it was, it had a large body, and skinny, but long legs. As in, it was as tall as a house long.
“Heckin’ weird,” he said. The storm clouds above were getting really dark, and he thought he felt a bit of rain. As he watched the creature in the distance, it seemed to somehow notice him, and then started to charge. And its footsteps were loud, loud enough to shake the earth..
Meanwhile, the Doctor, who had been following Danny and lost track of him, shrugged. “I’ll catch up with him later.” Turning around, she saw Matt and Ellie both smiling at her, with no change of expression.
“So, you’re farmers, huh,” said the Doctor. “Interesting. I see no farm equipment, or any animals.”
“That’s because the farm equipment on the other side, beyond where the eye can see,” said Ellie.
“I can see very far. There’s no equiplent there,” said the Doctor.
“Hello,” said a tentacled creature who had suddenly appeared. It had a long beak, and long brown legs, but tentacles for arms. had a German accent. “I am here for chicken eggs.”
“And I’m here...well, I have no idea why I’m here,” said a tan-skinned, frowning lady. She wore a leather jacket, and her arms were crossed. “Who are you?”
The Doctor’s mouth was open in shock. “Liv Chenka?”
Liv frowned deeper, and replied “You’re...it’s you! Judi Dench!”
The Doctor rolled her eyes. “No, I’m the Doctor. Liv, why are you here?”
“Doctor? What happened? You regenerated again?” asked Liv. “Last I knew, you and Helen were being chased by voracious clowns. Then...that’s weird. My mind’s a blank.”
“HELLO!” said the tentacled creature. “I would like my chicken eggs. I was told this was the place to meet the farmers!”
Matt shook her head. “We don’t sell chicken eggs.”
The tentacled creature paused and considered. The Doctor suddenly noticed the ground had gone dark, and looked up. The clouds were staring at her. Literally, there were eyes in the clouds. They angrily looked straight at the Doctor.
“Doctor, is that supposed to be happenning?” asked Liv, pointing at the sky.
“I SAID GIMME THE EGGS!” screamed the tentacled creature, who walloped Ellie into the distance with a tentacle. “This is a farm! It should have eggs!”

“Wow, that was a pretty far throw. Right?” the Doctor asked Liv, who looked very confused. Matt brushed her blonde hair aggressively, but was still smiling. “Calm down, Mr....” “Prince Edward,” said the tentacled creature. “I am a British royal.”
“Mr. Edward, we don’t sell chickens. We farm turkeys though.”
Prince Edward hummed to himself in thought. Both Liv and the Doctor stepped away from him. “I do like turkey eggs. Where are the turkeys?” said Prince Edward.
“There” said Matt, pointing behind the Doctor.. Was her smile wider?
The Doctor turned around, and saw a turkey running straight towards her. But it was a huge turkey, as tall as a house. Each of its footsteps shook the ground, and then it opened its mouth to squak. The sound filled the air, literally creating a near-sonic boom. The Doctor actually blanked out for a moment, and when she came to, the turkey was even closer.
“What type of farm is this? No seriously what’s up with this?” asked the Doctor. “And why is everything here so weird?”
“I don’t know Doctor, but we need to leave!” said Liv. She dragged the Doctor up, and they started to run. Prince Edward just stood there, watching the turkey.
The turkey opened its mouth to squak again, and the Doctor whipped out her screwdriver. “Not today!”
The turkey squaked...and the sonic counteracted the squack, decreasing the sound. The Doctor felt a large gush of wind try to push her back as the sound reverbrated through her bones—even with the sonic, she could just barely stand. The turkey appeared confused by the fact that it soundwasn’t working, and it began to squasck louder, and the Doctor could smell the sonic’s internal circuitry starting to burn, as it strugled to deafen the increasing SQUAAAA of the giant bird.
Eventually, the turkey stopped, and then slowly closed its eyes and fell asleep. As it fell, a large BOOM resounded through the ground. The Doctor shrugged, and turned around, to see the Michelle Yeoh Master staring at her.
“Master! Is this your plan?” asked the Doctor. “Giant turkeys are a little old-school, though I approve.”
“No! This is not my plan. I’d never use turkeys like that. Turkeys are beautiful creatures, indeed they are one of the most well-studied animals of the animal kingdom. They are clearly the most brilliant animals in Earth. I would stake my life to save a turkey, any turkey.”
“That’s...nice. So why are you here?” asked the Doctor.
“Because I’m here to tell you that those 2 farmers are evil. And they are about to creat a giant super- storm to defeat you,” said the Master.
“Hold on—why do you know this?” asked Liv. “This really sounds like something you’d do.”

“Admittedly, yes. Also, you’re mean. But, yes. However, I’m currently trying to turn a new leaf. Try to be good. Anyway, time to kidnap some turkey farmers!” said the Master.
“Wait, are you just saving turkeys because you’re trying to imitate me saving humans--”
The Master disappeared, having said the exposition that the author required.
In her place, were the 2 farmers. And they had guns.
“Doctor, we were supposed to give you a long drawn out trap, but we’ve run out of time,” said Ellie, his face in a malicious rictus grin. “So now you’re going to die.”
“Trap? Wait, this is a trap? For me?” said the Doctor. She frowned. “Okay, but why? Did I step on one of your chickens, or...”
“Starcorp--”
“Oh frack,” said the Doctor. “It’s always Starcorp.”
“Doctor, yeah! Starcorp’s very evil. How dare you try to trap us,” said Liv. Leaning over to the Doctor, she whispered “Who’s Starcorp?”
“Corporate bad-guys,” said the Doctor. Liv gave a look of disgust. “So, let me guess. You’re here for revenge, and came up ith this plan to get me.”
“Actually, it’s because your TARDIS radiation messed with our algorithms,” said Matt. “And that messed with our farming.”
“Because...what we do,” said Ellia, grinning widely, “is data-farming.”
A sudden loud bolt of lightning hit the ground, as thunder began to echo in the distance. Matt and Ellie began to laugh uproariously.
The Doctor shook her head. “Hang on. I feel I’ve missed something. Why should data-farming be such a...I dunno, so dangerous?”
“It doesn’t appear to be very dangerous. Feels maybe a bit capitalistic, but not wicked,” said Liv. “Frankly, I was more threatened when I thought you were giant turkey farmers.”
“Yeah, I always get the rubbish villains these days,” said the Doctor. “Hold on, where’s Danny?”
Just on cue, Danny ran out of the grass, and, out of breath, she collapsed near the Doctor’s feet. Her blue hair cascaded around herface, and she said “Hey, have you seen the Doctor? I’m Danny Devito.”
The Doctor poked the blue-haired, Japanese companion in shock, looked to the 2 farmers, looked back, and said “Danny, you’ve changed quite a bit. I approve.”

“Wait, you’re Judi Dench?” asked this Danny. “All I remember is waking up in the middle of a field, with a giant turkey running for me.”
“Ah. Interesting...The computer got confused when it encountered a companion named Danny Devito, and because in its database was another companion called Danny Devito. Apparently you have more than one companion with that name,” said Ellie.
“Right. Hold on—computer...we’re in a computer?” asked the Doctor.
“Heckin’ yeah. This is a virtual interface about a farm. And you’re trapped in it,” said Matt. She snapped her fingers, and then a really large storm started. Rain poured on the ground, and soaked the Doctor’s robes. Within seconds, a large wave of water was crashing down towards the crew.
“Doctor, we’re gonna need to swim!” said Liv. With quick thinking, the Doctor grabbed Liv and the 2nd Danny Devito, and jumped on the giant tutkey’s back. Stirring, the turkey opened its eyes, and screamed at the sight of a whole wave coming for it. The turkey immediately started to run in the opposite direction.
“Doctor, any clues?” asked Liv, trying desperately not to fall off their poultry steed.
“Ahh, well,” the Doctor said, looking back. “The farmers have guns. Let take their guns, and shoot them. And then hope that ends this.”
Liv gasped. The 2nd Danny shook her head in shock.
“Haha just kidding I’d never use a gun,” lied the Doctor. “Another idea: this is a virtual place. So, let’s do an epic virtual gamer move. Assuming my previous incarnations are in the database...”
The Doctor took out her sonic, and aimed it at her head, mutterring “Now, let me just take a mental impression of a past incarnation, and transfer it to virtual environment...”
“Wait, how exactly can a sonic device do all that?” asked 2nd Danny.
“You learn not to question it,” said Liv. “Repeat after me: sound waves are magic.”
A giant blast of light appeared, brightening the stormy weather below. The Third Doctor, Fourth Doctor, and Fifth Doctor appeared. Unfortunately, the Dench Doctor hadn’t been careful about where she materialized them, and so they had appeared in mid-air. Immediastely, they fell into the waves, and were swept away. The companions looked at the Dench Doctor in confusion.
“Is this what a gamer-move looks like?” asked Liv, with a hint of a smirk.
The turkey was starting to slow down. And with it, the waves were drawing closer. Suddenly, a giant group of box-like creatures, with the words “Countryfile” on them, rose from the waves. On each of their heads was either a Matt or an Ellie. The creatures opened their mouths, and growled angrily at the crew.
“I hate Starcorp!” screamed the Doctor, as the turkey had to make a hard stop. She slid down the turkey’s side, and found herself drawing closer to the waves...and felt arms on both of her legs.

“Doctor, hold on!” said Liv, as the turkey got slammed in the side by the Box creatures. The Doctor could hear the turkey release out a squack, and that knocked the creatures back, but only for a second. Getting an idea, the Doctor checked her robes for her sonic...and realized she didn’t have it.
“I need my sonic!” yelled out the Doctor.
“I’ve got it!” said Danny, who was now the first Danny Devito. “Also, what the FLIP is going on? Why are we having a battle with giant box creatures atop a turkey, in a storm?”
“Because yoy interrupted our attempts to secretly farm data from our users!” screamed Ellie. “And Starcorp takes that seriously!”
“ Oh frack. It’s always Starcorp.” said Danny.
“Danny, press the sides of my sonic really hard,” said the Doctor. “And then cover your ears.”
“Doctor, I’m slipping--” said Liv, as the turkey dodged a piece of debris that had sloshed their way, and made what was probably a turkey-happy-sound as the debris hit one of the creatures, then let out another squack. But as the turkey squacked, the sonic intensified the sound, and the turkey let out a large boom that literally blew the Doctor, Liv, and Danny away.
Liv opened her eyes to see a man with a long scarf surfing on the waves. He asked, bug-eyed, “Want a jelly-baby?”
“No thank you,” said Liv, disoriented. The man shrugged, and continued surfing. Looking around, she realized that she was on a piece of wood, as was the Doctor and 2nd Danny.
“Why am I here again?” asked 2nd Danny. “Did we win?”
“I think everything one of you experiences high-stress, the computer switches you Dannies Devito,” said the Doctor. “Or Danny Devitos. Anyway, we haven’t won yet—the Countryfile creatures are swimming towards us, and will probably destroy us soon,” said the Doctor calmly. “Unless I come up with a good idea.”
“We need better ideas, Doctor,” said Danny Devito. “You kinda suck at--”
The Doctor suddenly pointed her sonic at 2nd Danny Devito, and after some vibration, she turnd into the 1st Danny Devito. “Good to have you back, Danny.”
“Hey, Doctor. Did we win?” asked 1st Danny. The Doctor shrugged and looked to the approaching box- creatures. Danny looked to Liv, and said “Hi. I’m Danny Devito (except not).”
“I’m Liv Chenka, although I’m starting to worry I might just be a computer simulation of her,” said Liv.
“Uh, okay. Okay, so--”

Matt and Ellie materialized in front of the Doctor and crew. “Had enough yet? Ready to stop using your TARDIS?”
The Doctor shot up, and said “Definitely. I am definitely ready to agree with whatever you want. I’ll stop using my TARDIS to avoid messing with your data collection scheme. Just let me out of here,.”
“Cool,” said Ellie. He nodded his head, and the storm started to recede.
“Wait. In order to leave, aren’t we gonna have to use the--” started Danny, but then he noticed the Doctor’s glare, and the farmer’s sudden looks of realization. Thunder struck again, and the storm clouds returned.
“Good point. If I agree, I’ll be trapped here,” said the Doctor. “Unless I was planning on ignoring that order and leaving, until someone spoiled my plan.”
“Is data farming even legal where you are?” asked Liv. “What sort of data-farming gets messed up by TARDIS radiation?”
“Temporal data-hacking. Illegally using someone’s timeine information to help create better products. Tech stolen from the far future archives of the Gallifreyan Matrix,” said the Doctor. She smiled craftily. “I’d applaud your inventiveness, as a fellow thief of Gallifreyan stuff. But illegally taking someone’s data--”
“It’s technically legal...” said Matt huffily. A box creature rose up from the water depths, and huffed as well.
“Hang on. Is there a squid guy approaching us?” asked Danny, his hands pointing at Prince Edward, who was swimming in the distance.
“Oh...and speaking of technicalities, shouldn’t a farm sell turkey eggs?,” said Liv, loud enough for Prince Edward to hear. He immediately started toward them.
“Exactly. So why is this such a crappy farm, huh?” said the Doctor louder. Her crafty grin got even wider. “Sounds like a really messed-up farm to me.”
Prince Edward approached. He nodded to the Doctor and her companions, and looked at Matt and Ellie. “Where are my eggs?”
“Here,” said Matt, smiling at him. “Fresh eggs.”
Prince Edward grabbed the eggs, and sniffed them. He turned to Danny, and asked the guy “Do you like the service here, comrade?”
Danny blinked, and said “Errr...not really. They tried to kill us, I think.” Edward shook his head, and said “Yes, but do they serve good food?” “Oh,” said Danny. “I don’t know.”

Prince Edward considered, and said “Have some eggs in these trying times.”
“Aww, thanks,” said Danny.
“...Right,” said Matt. “Good. Okay, so, we’re gonna sort of end you all now.”
“Hope you enjoyed the heckin’ good service!” said Ellie. The box creature roared, and charged.
Prince Edward said “How dare you attempt to interrupt royalty while ze is trying to enjoy his meal! With old friends!”
With that, he opened up his mouth, and swallowed the box creature whole. “Wait, what--”
“And temporal data-farming is against the Shadow Proclamation! As a (secret) Shadow Proclamation member, I declare you all...deleted!” shouted Prince Edward, who rushed after Matt and Ellie. The duo quickly swam away.
Liv watched as the farmers ran away from the squid creature, and wondered how she had ended up in a life like this. Danny just shook his head and muttered about “strange crap”, and the Doctor shrugged.
“Cool. We beat the baddies. May I have an egg?” asked the Doctor.
“So, I’m not the only companion you’ve had named Danny Devito?” asked Danny Devito.
“No. I think she’s in my future,” said the Doctor. She was back in the TARDIS, having escaped from the simulated world.
“Was that...Liv Chenka a real past companion?” asked Danny.
“Yeah. I even think she wasn’t part of the simulation—probably got her consciousness temporarily mixed in,” said the Doctor.
“You’ve had companions...before me?” asked Danny slowly. “Oh no, not again,” hissed the Doctor.
“I...I thought I was special. I thought I was your first. You...you..,” started Danny, looking like he was on the verge of crying.
The Doctor took out the memory-wiper she had saved for such an occasion, and he went unconscious at its beep. She hated doing that, but he always got really insecure about knowing he wasn’t the first. As long as he never met anyone like Romana or Susan, it should be easy to fix every time.
The Docto heard a squack from within the TARDIS. Checking the cameras, she noted the turkey from the simulation—who had run into the TARDIS when the doors opened—was enjoying eating in the TARDIS’ internal gardens. Good for him.

Hmm. Maybe an Earth trip would do. Changing her coordinates to London, 2013 she set the TARDIS to lnd. When she looked outside, she was very surprised to see a large statue of a turkey right in the middle of where Big Ben should be.
And a loudspeaker saying “HAIL THE TURKEY QUEEN! SHE HAS ANNOUNCED POULTRINE DOMINION OVER THE EARTH!”
Then the Poultrine Queen spoke. “All shall praise the turkey! Apes shall return to their rightful place as slaves.”
And of course, the Turkey Queen was the Michelle Yeoh Master.
The Doctor sighed. “Danny, wake up. We’ve got work to do...after I take a nap.”

Epilogue: 

Danny happily strolled back into the TARDIS control room. He was so happy. The April Fool’s Day Story was really truly non fatal, he didn’t die, everything was brilliant. He'd even had an adventure fighting with Michelle Yeoh the Poultry Queen, and now he and the Doctor returned to the TARDIS. Yes, all in all things were good. "So, Doc, where next?" He asked, before Countryfile used a M9 to place a lead projectile in his skull. "ARGH FRICK" said Danny, suddenly collapsing and dying so that every story after this where he is dead can happen.
It was probably not worth it.

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred 
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor 
Ellie Harrison as Matt
Matt Baker as Ellie
Fourth Doctor as Tom Baker
Peter Davison as Fifth Doctor
Jon Culshaw In a Wig as Third Doctor
Michelle Yeoh as Michelle Yeoh Master
Danny Devito as Prince Edward
Danny Devito as Danny
Ellen Wong as 2nd Danny Devito