NCJDDAS: Heaven Bent

NCJDDAS: Heaven Bent

Dedicated To Steven Moffat, who like all good writers,
eventually has one scapegoat that I can literally write a story around making fun of. Thanks. 

Chapter One

The Doctor and Roman sat around in the TARDIS.

“Roman,” said The Doctor. “Our Last Adventure was pretty shit.” 

“Yes.” said Roman. 

“Well, it’s not my fault, is it?” Growled The Doctor.

“Yes,” said Roman. 

“It was an equal endeavor, Roman. Besides, you know what this series is missing.”

“What?” asked Roman impatiently. 

“Danny fucking Devito.” said The Doctor.
“He’s real star value and you know it. And Plus, Although Danny wasn’t Danny Devito,
he also totally was, and it’s very important to me that he return to the series,
as he was pretty great as a companion.”

“Hmm...whatever will you do…” muttered Roman uninterested. 

“I think I’ll go back to Gallifrey and do literally the exact thing I did with Clara,
and depose Rassilon again.”

“You’ll fucking what-” Yelled Roman as the Doctor pulled the lever and
took the TARDIS through time and space. 

Chapter Two

The TARDIS dematerialized.

“What the fuck are you trying to do” said Roman to the Doctor in
Patrick Stewart’s Award Winning Drawl.
“You cannot fucking do this doctor
you cannot just fucking go back in time and resurrect
whoever the fuck you like Doctor you fucking shit” 

The Doctor walked outside, unnoticing of the series’ new voice of reason,
who continued to swear rapidly. The Doctor strolled around calmly before pointing. 

“Look! It’s the Farmhouse from Listen,
Day Of The Doctor and the episode we’re satirizing!” said The Doctor. 

“Doctor, you have one goddamn chance to go the fuck back right this second you little shit”
said Roman, gradually being infected by the NCJDDAS syndrome of being characterized nothing
like the actor who hypothetically plays them.

The Doctor walked into the farmhouse from her childhood and
played Murray Gold’s series one soundtrack on her walkman.
Suddenly the woman from Hell Bent who supposedly owns the farmhouse walked in.
She gasped, realizing the Doctor was gonna do the same dang thing again, and said
“Doctor, Ah, I shall inform the populus you are here to depose Rassilon again,” and walked away.

 Roman walked up behind her and apologized severely as the Doctor proceeded
to fiddle with getting out a table, sitting down outside the farmhouse and eating soup with her spoon.

“How many times have you done this?” Roman asked. 

“Oh, I’ve done this every time a companion has ever died.
Except for Adric, fuck Adric” said the Doctor. 

“You mean to say Clara Oswald was not the first time you did this?”

“Oh yeah, Amy, Bill, Lucie, Jamie,
anyone who died in any medium just forgot to edit in the cut away
while I went to Gallifrey and resurrected them and deposed Rassilon.” 

“You can do this anytime you want?” Roman asked, horrified. 

“I’m the Lord of Time up in this bitch!” said The Doctor, continuing to have her soup. 

Peter Capaldi as The Doctor walked up and set up his table and soup beside Judi Dench’s. 

“Oh, Hi Old Me!” said The Doctor to The Twelfth Doctor. 

“Oh, Hello.” said The Twelfth Doctor. “Come here often?”  

“You know I do!” said The Doctor, sipping up her soup. “You can go first.” 

“Thank you, future Me.” said The Twelfth Doctor,
dropping his spoon and walking up to the spaceship and the timelord firing squad led by Rassilon. 

Judi Dench and Roman continued to have their soup while watching the events of Hell Bent play out. 

“You really shouldn’t do this.” said Roman.

“Why not? Rassilon works it into his schedule.” said The Doctor, oblivious. 

“He fucking does what-” began Roman, before the Doctor interrupted him. 

“Look, Peter Capaldi is about to do the really cool bit where he draws the line in the sand!”

He did it. 

“See, that was cool.” said The Doctor.

“Are we really going to sit here and commentate on this whole thing?” said Roman, heavily annoyed.
“Because I really don’t support what you’re doing here at all.” 

“Eh, it’ll be three hours.” The Doctor said. “Wanna watch the Sound Of Music Instead?” 

While the events of the rest of Hell Bent played out,
Roman and The Doctor watched The Sound Of Music on the Doctor’s phone. It was very good.

Then Rassilon and the armed guards arrived again. 

“Hm. Looks like Rassilon came back into Power after being deposed by my past self.
Like he always does.” said The Doctor. 

“Please, Doctor, for the love of god, can you just not fucking cross Rassilon-” blubbered Roman.

The Doctor walked up to him.

“Get off my planet.” She said.

Chapter Three

 “We needed to know. You have information about the Hybrid.
A danger to all of us. If you'd told us what you knew, you could have walked out of there.”
Said Rassilon.

“And miss out on Heaven Sent? Do you know how good that episode is?”
The Doctor cheerfully replied. 

“Um, what-” said Rassilon.

The Doctor pointed and laughed at Rassilon, before whispering to Roman. 

“No Fourth Wall Awareness.” 

She turned back to him. 

“Get off my Planet!” She said.

Rassilon replied, still utilizing the Hell Bent script.

“You have nothing, Doctor. Nothing!
Do you know what I have, out here in the Dry Lands, where there's nobody who matters?
No witnesses.”

“Okay, done with this.” said The Doctor. “Lock him up, boys!” 

The other time lords grabbed Rassilon and took him away to depose him. 

The General walked up. 

“Ah, Doctor.” She said, now played by Tia Miller as this takes place after Hell Bent.
“So, you want to go to the resurrection suite?”

“This is taking too long.” said The Doctor,
before shooting the general with a staser, and walking away as Roman looked on in horror. 

Inside The Resurrection Suite,
The Doctor shot two random guards and then pulled a lever to bring Danny back
from the second before he died.

Danny appeared, stunned. “Doctor!” he said. “Where am I?” 

“I saved you from Countryfile.” said The Doctor. “It was about to shoot you.” 

Roman walked up behind the Doctor, angrily pointing a staser at her. 

“You bitch, this has gone far enough!” He yelled.
“This goes against the very moral code of the Doctor! Never Cruel or Cowardly!
That’s the Doctor I remember!” 

“But I’m actually saving lives.” The Doctor said, pointing at Danny. 

“You realize your actions here! They don’t end with Rassilon being deposed and reelected,
of course that happens, but what really happens is economic ruin!
You come in here, every single time one of your friends dies, and you’re just like-
Woop de doo, no one can die, this is a fucking family show,
and then you collapse the economy for one goddamn person! ” Roman yelled, absolutely losing it.

“Huh.” said The Doctor. 

“Realize it yourself, Doctor, this is inherently wrong!” 

Danny shrugged. “I prefer being alive.” He said. "Nothing but good has come from this scenario!” 

“Yep, he’s right.” said The Doctor, before Roman tore out his nonexistent hair.

Chapter Four

Roman, The Doctor and Danny got back into the TARDIS. 

“So, three person Tardis team, huh! This is gonna be fun!”
said The Doctor, happily.
“I have me, I have Danny, I have grumpy Patrick Stewart,
this is totally gonna be the best Doctor Who series ever!”

“How exactly long do you intend to do this?” asked Roman.

“Six Seasons and a Movie.” said The Doctor, before pulling the TARDIS lever,
and flying into the unknown.

“We skipped the end of the universe bit with Ashildr.”
said Roman, pointing out a fallacy of the script. 

“Ah.” said The Doctor. “Thank you for reminding me.”

The TARDIS dematerialized next to Ashildr’s chair at the end of the universe,
and the Doctor threw a water balloon into Ashildr’s face, before screaming “SUCKER!!!!”
and disappearing into the void.

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman

Danny Devito as Danny

Timothy Dalton as Rassilon

Tia Miller as The General

Linda Broughton as The Woman

Peter Capaldi as The Twelfth Doctor

Maisie Williams as Ashildr