NCJDDAS: Tinker, Tailor, Master, Spy


NCJDDAS: Tinker, Tailor, Master, Spy

Chapter One

The TARDIS materialized.
The Doctor stepped out, wearing a cricket uniform with a stick of celery on the lapel. 
“A Cruise Liner.” said The Doctor, to Roman and Danny, who each stepped out, Danny in a T-Shirt and Roman in an olive long coat with a black tight-knit sweater. “We’re on a cruise liner.” she said, weirded out. 
A monk passed her. 
Not the alien species known as The Monks, but a seemingly christian monk in a dark robe, who moved past them without notice.
“I didn’t know Monks did cruises.” said Danny. 
“Of course they don’t.” grumbled Roman. “And Doctor, I would care a great deal if we went back to Gallifrey so Danny can be reintegrated into the timeline and die.” 
“Gee, thanks.” said Danny, crossing his arms like a repressed teenager. 
“Danny, your cosmic existence is a fluke. You should have died three times now, and one of those actually happened. Your entire timeline was rewritten by the Daleks so you are a copy of a major celebrity. Your heart is literally not beating because you were taken out of a split second of time from a microsecond before your death. You are a singular moment in time, that has already died, a three times over paradox, that looks like Danny Devito. It is better for the universe that you die, before it explodes.” Roman finished, irritated. 
“The Doctor says it’s fine.” Danny muttered. 
“The Doctor is huffing enamel.” said Roman, pointing at the Doctor hitting up in the corner. 
The Doctor, seemingly unnoticing, pointed forwards. “Roman, are those three more Monks?” 
Roman shrugged. It was one of those days.
Danny complained to the Doctor. “Why is this old dude with us anyway!??” He moaned. “I thought I was the only one! I thought I was special!!” 
“You are special!” The Doctor said, turning towards Danny. 
“Then why is he here?” Danny whined. “I’m the only one! I’m important!”
The Doctor thought quickly. “Roman is... a lot less...important...than you.” 
“I beg your pardon?” snapped Roman, the Doctor unnoticing. 
“Yeah, Roman...is...here...because...he’s too stupid to be left on his own.” The Doctor continued lying, briskly. “He’s um, the silliest and dumbest thing alive, and if we, um, leave him alone, it’ll be bad for the universe, so he’s coming with.” 
Danny smiled happily. “Well, that’s fine then! If having him around helps people!” 
Danny walked forward, investigating the monks.
Roman looked at the Doctor, as if to say “The things I do for you…” 

Danny spoke to one of the Monks. “Hi, I’m new. Why are we here?”
The Monk replied. “Oh, Hi! Our Lord and Savior decrees it. He says we must obey him, and it’s totally not a cult.”
“And why is it a boat?”
“The Lord decrees it.” The Monk said.
Roman charged in. “Oh, bollocks, you know who he is from the title!” He growled. 
There was a podium ahead, surrounded by Monks, and out stepped a person in a hooded robe. 
The person then showed some leg, dropping the robe dramatically and flamboyantly, doing a cartwheel onto the stage. A blond woman, her hair draped around her. And you probably remember her from the Benny and The Jets cliffhanger.
“Hi y’all. I’m the Master.” she said, in a country twang. “And, well, you already obey me, so let’s start up the various illegal activities.”

Chapter Two

“Why’d that monk think it was a he?” lampshaded Danny confusedly. 
“I have Straxlike-Gender-Confusing-Syndrome.” said the Monk person, cheering for the Master dramatically, as she did a twirl and a broadway like dance, complete with cane and tophat. 
“The Master!” exclaimed The Doctor and Roman, slow on the uptake. 
“Wait, what did I hear? Is that a Doctor that I see before me?” She exclaimed, doing a somersault off the podium and landing next to the Doctor. “Thou are far more lovely.. And...something.” she said, adjusting her suit jacket. She was wearing a black tuxedo suit with a skirt and bowtie, but for some reason, she had clipped on a fake plastic devil tail and horns. 
“I thought you were Michelle Yeoh.” said The Doctor, confused. “Or Sacha Dhawan?”
The Master grinned, really genuinely happy. “Anyone who tries to figure out my timeline is a fool. But if any of them are in the audience, note I spent fourteen different nonconsecutive  regenerations as a grapefruit, and that’s totally and completely canon, mark it on your flowcharts.” 
“Well, Master.” said The Doctor. “You have a nice business going here. You’ve set up a cruiseliner, filled with sociopathic Monks that serve you, and what, believe you’re Jesus or something?” 
“Woah, there, that’s some spicy controversy you could be brewing, maybe you should shut up and die.” chirped The Master. She wandered over to Roman. “And who’s this? Don’t tell me you’re travelling with Patrick Stewart? Wow, that must be terrible. Oh well, it at least beats that old time lady you travelled with named Romana, she was an idiot.”
“I am Romana.” growled Roman, as the Master walked by him to Danny. 
“And Danny-dearest. I’m glad you’re here. I have something that I want to tell you, Danny. About your family.” She said, still in her chirpy happy tone, but somehow more menacing because of it. 
“My...family?” muttered Danny, astonished. 

She twirled back towards the podium, stopping before it. 
“Another time, sweetums. When we’re alone.” She shamelessly flirted. 
The Doctor stepped out in front of her, angry. 
“You really convinced these people you’re a god?”
“I am a god.” barked The Master. “And I’m about to pull some major series arc shit on ya!” 
“Series Arc?” questioned The Doctor, horrified.
“Come on, you’ve met so many companions of yours in quick succession. Bernice Summerfield, Martha Jones, Kate Stewart, Osgood, Liv Chenka, the other Danny Devito, that box labelled Countryfile, Roman and Leela. You didn’t begin to think for one second that it was preordained?” 
The Master smiled. She relished being in control like this. The Doctor knew it. Whatever was happening, it was sheer unadulterated finale bait. 
“Here’s the fun bit.” The Master began, melodramatically. “Last time I saw you, I was Michelle Yeoh. Do you remember how you beat me?”
The Doctor was confused. “I didn’t. You became ruler of the turkey people, and it just cut away, because that was by a different author.” 
“Hint: you didn’t. I won, and I implanted a chip in your TARDIS. And once a TARDIS has a chip in it, it’s a time machine. The chip worked backwards...making the effects of the chip happen before the chip was even implanted. Causing you to meet all those companions. And eventually, it led to this.” The Master said, waving a familiar device.
Roman growled. “The Rani made me steal that for her!”
“We’re working together, bitch!!” 
cheered The Master, as The Rani materialized out of a teleporter. 

“Oh god oh fuck-” screamed the Doctor out of sheer worry.

“And every time you met a past companion, every time my past selves and that chip influenced you, we got two things to happen. Danny died, you go to Gallifrey, and bring him back, deposing Rassilon. And even though he got back into office soon, he wasn’t quick enough, and I am now Chair High President of Gallifrey.” 

“HOLY FUCKING SHIT.” said The Doctor, Danny and Roman, out of fear, awe and a little bit of respect. 

“And Thing Number Two: The Blinovitch Limitation Limiter, which you stole for the Rani and I. which lets me summon: I don't know, past and future incarnations? Everyone take off their masks!”

All of the Monks took off Mission Impossible style masks, revealing literally every single incarnation of the Master ever. Except Dreyfus. 
Roger Delgado, John Simm, Derek Jacobi, Gwendolyn Christie, Maureen Beattie, Michelle Yeoh and Sacha Dhawan headed the crowd. 

“Beat that for a cliffhanger.” said The Master, shooting Roman in the chest and punching the Doctor out.

TO BE CONTINUED…



This story (Hypothetically) Starred 
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman
Danny Devito as Danny
Tricia Janine Helfer as The Master
Bette Midler as The Rani

And Featuring:
Sir Derek Jacobi as The Master
Michelle Yeoh as The Master
Maureen Beattie as The Master
Gwendolyn Christie as The Master
John Simm as The Master
Sacha Dhawan as The Master
Geoffrey Beevers as The Master
Alan Rickman as The Master
Eric Roberts as The Master
Roger Delgado as The Master
Alex MacQueen as The Master
Sam Kisgart as The Master
Anthony Ainley as The Master
Milo Parker as The Master
Gordon Tipple as The Master
William Hughes as The Master
Meryl Streep as The Master
Sir Christopher Lee as The Master
Benedict Cumberbatch as The Master
And
Michelle Gomez as Missy



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