NCJDDAS: The Three Romanas
There is actually an old version of this with a Natalie Dormer Romana, but this is better.
NCJDDAS: The Three Romanas
Part Three: Crossover with Gallifrey, Starring Romana, Romana, Romana, and Leela
Dedicated To Mary Tamm
Chapter One
Romana sat in his chair, grumbling. It'd been a while since he'd regenerated. And this incarnation, whatever it was, was not one of his favorite bodies. Oh, granted it looked fine, very stern, a face like a star-ship captain, but he just felt so...serious in it.
He was Romana. For Now At Least.
And he was annoyed.
The time lord office he was in, with all it's ornate gold, had been fun the first three regenerations he was in office, but now, the on and off job of president he had, was rather boring, especially considering Rassilon kept kicking him out of office.
You could never be sure Rassilon was dead, that was the problem.
As soon as you punched Rassilon into a black hole, and were really, really certain that you'd never see him again, Rassilon would show up, and win the popular vote and you'd be out of office again.
Fucking Rassilon.
Romana sighed, annoyed and bored. He fiddled with a rubrix cube, an ancient relic from Earth.
He missed Earth.
It was then he knew he had to go on a road trip.
The Doctor sat in the TARDIS, miserable. Countryfile seemed to have murdered her best friend.
Countryfile stood next to her, still carrying the shotgun, bobbing up and down enthusiastically.
"Well?" she asked, growly, to it. "What are you doing?"
The Box labelled Countryfile bobbed up and down and played a soundclip from episode 13 of Countryfile.
The Doctor sighed, and returned over to the TARDIS console. It clearly had some kind of motive, shooting Danny. The creature representing the television series Countryfile had to be intelligent, somehow. She continued to examine it, while pulling levers.
Countryfile kept bobbing enthusiastically, doing a little gig.
Fine.
Countryfile would have it's way.
She pulled the TARDIS lever, and then hit the fast return switch. Back to Earth.
Gallifrey had been destroyed. It also had not been destroyed, for a while now.
Shroedenger's Gallifrey. It was simultaneously real and not, and Romana was fine with that.
She sipped tea among the rubble, with Leela.
One of them probably didn't survive Gallifrey: Time War 4 from Big Finish Productions, but they'd both decided to ignore that.
Tea was fine.
"Romana," Leela said. "We have not done anything exciting for a while now."
"Yes," said Romana, sipping her tea, enjoying Leela's penchant for the obvious.
"I miss when we would have adventures, Romana. I miss excitement!" Leela stood up, hair waving like a disney princess (and she had that kind of mindset too, all hope and whatnot, but with a little bit more Janis thorns) and said excitedly: "Romana, I wish to take a TARDIS to somewhere wonderful!"
"Hm." said Romana, cautiously. The thought did appeal. Fine.
"Alright then," said Romana, putting on her white lace scarf, "Let's go to Earth."
Chapter Two
Countryfile and The Doctor got out of the TARDIS into a country landscape.
Countryfile nearly had a seizure of happiness, if there is such a thing, and bounded over the fields with joy.
The Doctor, miserable, and frankly just accepting it at this point, tagged along behind it, carrying Danny's body.
"You do know what you've done, Countryfile?" she asked.
Countryfile rolled around in the grass.
"You've killed my bestie. And, yes, I know, I'm sure I can find another, but man, Countryfile." she said to it, as it somehow, without a mouth, panted like a dog. "You suck."
Countryfile loaded it's shotgun again, before The Doctor frantically sputtered that she took it back, and Countryfile put the gun down.
The Doctor didn't really mean it.
It was quite a day, the Doctor was having. I mean, it started as an april fool's day joke the author made. Have Countryfile kill your only companion. Sure, that sounds fun. Except for the fact that the joke turned out to be that the author accidentally promised that Danny would not be resurrected, so it was quite the pickle, you know, that the author got themselves into.
And The Doctor now hates Countryfile.
"What even is Countryfile?" asked The Doctor, talking out loud to herself.
Then: VVWORP. VVWORP. Another TARDIS. Shoot.
Sir Patrick Stewart stepped out of the TARDIS, in a dignified tuxedo, wearing an eyepatch for some reason.
"Wha?" asked The Doctor.
"Oh, Doctor!" cheered Sir Patrick Stewart. "You don't recognize me?"
"Of course I do!" The Doctor laughed, hugging her best friend. "It's so good to see you, Romana."
"Ah, of course it is," Romana laughed fully, and with a little bit of lovable hubris.
"I like the look!" The Doctor grinned.
"As do I. A Body Over The Shoulder Does Wonders For Your Color."
The Doctor dropped Danny.
Another TARDIS appeared. Out stepped Romana the Second, followed by Leela, striding with confidence. At least on Leela's part.
"I'm not sure I got the coordinates right, Leela, I didn't actualize for the biometric interference on the time rotor." Romana sputtered.
"Pretty words!" Responded Leela succinctly.
"Ah." said the other Romana, his voice brimming with age and wisdom. "What do we have here?"
"A synctocratic temporal interference, I shouldn't wonder," said Romana learnedly.
"Oh, you can damn well shut it," growled the elder. "We both know you have no idea why we're here. Or What That Means."
The Doctor giggled bemusedly.
"And who's this?" gestured Romana the second, towards the Doctor.
"Oh, for shame. This is our Doctor." said Romana the elder, gripping the Doctor by the shoulders, almost maternally. "And I shouldn't doubt that she knows exactly what's going on."
"No, no idea." said The Doctor. "Say Hi to Countryfile over there."
Only Leela said Hi.
"Well," said Romana the second. "I don't see how this can last much longer. I'd like to avoid a temporal anomaly, so I shall be going."
Romana turned, gesturing for Leela to come along.
And that's when it all went wrong.
Chapter Three
A Light. The Doctor was gone.
The Two Romanas, Leela and Countryfile turned to where the Doctor had been, bewildered.
"What is that??" Blubbered Romana the second.
"Oh, I'd assume It'd be some kind of trans-mat, naturally." said Romana the elder.
"Oh, and you're using technological terms now," The other Romana said adversely. "I thought you could only stand there and look mildly professional."
"Ah, the hubris of youth," responded the Elder, beginning a contest of bickering. "I can hardly remember when I was so damned...What's the word? Precocious?"
"Oh, far be it from me, the younger to offer advice, but I'd always hoped that I wouldn't end up someone who blabbered 'When I was Your Age' incessantly!"
"Silence, Please!" Yelled Leela to the two of them. "Look!!" She pointed upward. and there in the sky, a projection of turquoise- possibly holographic - The Doctor's head- surrounded by prison bars.
She was trying to call out to them, but no voice came out.
Romana growled to himself. "Just an average day, then, Romana. No temporal coincidence. This was engineered."
Romana rolled her eyes towards him. "I'd deduced as much. and I'd much prefer if you called yourself something like Roman."
The newly titled Roman grumbled. "I'll consider it." he said in an oscar winning voice.
"Could you just stop." said a sharply intoned voice from the cloud.
A sort of technicolor wave fell between them. Like that of an area of wall that had been Graffiti'd on too many times. A purple head appeared. Well, purple, as in a holographic projection of purple.
The two Romanas instantly recognized this evil.
The Rani.
"At last, my dears, Everything is going brilliantly. What do you fellas think of the new face?" The Rani said, happily.
"It looks like Bette Midler." said Roman.
"Piss off." responded The Rani. "Now, I've caught your Doctor. Between you two and the Doctor you have three TARDISes at your disposal. I'd like you to pick me up something. Nothing too problematic. Only one of the most difficult heists in history. Now do it for me, or I'll kill Doc-y, without hesitation. Deal?"
"Fine." said Romana, angrily. "Come on, you two."
"THREE." corrected Leela, petting Countryfile on it's box like head as it somehow seemed to wag it's nonexistent tail.
They got into the Doctor's TARDIS, and Roman stepped forth, and took control of the main console.
"You really think you can fly this old type 40, Roman? It's been a while for you." asked Romana.
"You know, It's almost like you're being intentionally patronizing." remarked Roman, pulling the main lever deftly.
The TARDIS viewscreen suddenly went on, and a very annoyed face looked back at them.
The Third Romana had arrived.
Chapter Four
"You two are blibbering idiots right now, you know that?" The third Romana said.
She was a young, very conventionally pretty brown haired woman, wearing a white dress that was the most simplistic thing anyone had ever seen ever. You may know her well.
She, Romana's first regeneration was young, but she was wiser than the others. Didn't make much sense.
"What?" asked Romana and Roman angrily.
"Look. We aren't the Doctor. We don't have to bicker constantly like this. We're better than that. We're Romana, the most professional, cool and intelligent woman, sorry, person in the galaxy. We need to save the Doctor, and get this job done and stop the Rani. Now, because I'm Hartnell in this scenario, this transmission shall go out shortly. I need you two to stop being such fucking dolts and get to saving the day. Romana out." The transmission went away.
"I like her!" cheered Leela, laughing as Roman and Romana looked at each other disdainfully.
The TARDIS materialized into a sludgy fleshy room. The walls looked like burnt salmon, and they leaked some kind of red fluid, that wasn't blood, but was still very disconcerting.
Roman got out of the TARDIS first. "Clear." He said, sharply.
Romana and Leela followed.
"So, what are we supposed to be stealing?" asked Romana, adjusting her scarf.
"Stealing is wrong!" commented Leela, childishly.
"Yes, but for the Doctor's sake, we must comply.' Romana replied, clearly used to this sort of conversation. "Although this place does worry me..."
"But what if the thing we steal for the Rani is so inherently dangerous that she couldn't possibly have it?" growled Roman. "I can't believe that's the moral path. I refuse to!" Romana and Leela looked mournful. He turned, and inspected the ground with a finger delicately.
"Is it alive?" asked Leela curiously.
"Yes." said Roman, in a guttural growl. "Wherever we are- this place... every inch, is alive."
The walls shuddered.
Leela gripped her knife.
"Run." said Roman, gripping his olive overcoat around him.
The three of them dashed forward.
And Behind them, Countryfile got out of the TARDIS, wandering strangely. Carrying several guns...
Chapter Five
Romana, Roman and Leela scrambled forward through the vibrating sludgy halls.
"Where are we supposed to find this almighty thing we're stealing??" asked Romana, sharply. "We don't exactly have some sort of scanner for the Key to Time or something!"
Roman took a sonic screwdriver out of his pocket, and hit it four times before it let out a low buzzing. "There!" he said, somehow proud of himself.
"Well that's jolly good," said Romana adversely. "We can scan for something that we don't know how to scan for, because we don't know what it is! I applaud you!"
"I've set it to scan the temporal frequencies." Roman replied. The Rani wouldn't just want some sort of gold bar out of this, no, It'll be something worthy of two time lords."
"Well, compensate for any naturally occurring artrons!" Romana said, severely.
"Oh, naturally, I didn't think of such a thing!" said Roman, in a cutting tone.
"You two really do not like yourself, do you?" Leela suggested.
"I like me! I don't like them!" they both said.
"This way," Roman said, taking them on a sharp turn through the fleshy tunnels, until a metal building was apparent.
"A metal building, inside these alive caves?" Questioned Leela.
"No, not caves. I believe we are inside an odd sort of alien digestion system," said Romana, getting out a staser and cutting open the building's lock. "It can't seem to metabolize us very well, but all the same, I'd prefer to exit quickly."
"We are inside a being?" Leela said in disbelief.
"Indeed." said Romana, as she slid the door open. "Hell of a heist, indeed."
Inside, the building was highly minimalist. Steel walls and floors without texture.
In the center, there was a pedestal with some sort of electronic handheld scanner behind a wall of glass, sat on a red cushion.
Leela rammed through the glass and grabbed the thing.
Alarms sounded. "What is it?" Leela asked.
Romana, clearly used to this, grabbed the item and examined it intently, and made no effort to move while the alarms went off. "Hmm...Roman, look at this...."
"Hmm..." Said Roman.
The Cybermen stomped into the Room.
Chapter Six
"WE ARE THE CYBERMEN. YOU HAVE INVADED CYBER-TERRITORY. YOU WILL BECOME LIKE US."
"This is not Cyber-land!" Growled Leela. "It has a cushion!!" she pointed at the cushion.
"IT IS AN AESTHETIC UPGRADE. AN EXAMPLE OF CYBER-STYLE. YOU SHALL BE UPGRADED, HOWEVER." The Cybermen stomped forward.
Roman and Romana continued to analyze the item while Leela did a quadruple backflip kick into the cybermen, and began to stab at their eyes and glowing parts, systematically killing them.
"YOU WILL BE UPGRADED. WE ARE THE SUPERIOR LIFE."
"Then, why..." Leela grunted. "Are you dying so quickly?"
As time went by, A pile of Cybermen bodies quickly amassed by Leela's feet.
"Oh! I think it's a blinovitch limitation limiter!" said Romana. "I saw one of these dealing with Drax!"
The two of them still had not noticed the army of Cybermen Leela dispatched.
"I defeated the Cybermen!" Leela said, eagerly.
"Sure, you did, Leela." said Romana, not looking, as they proceeded out the door.
As they did, they came face to face with the Rani.
"Hello, there." The Rani said, devilishly. "I would like that, now, please."
"Why? Why should we give it to you, Rani?" Romana snarled.
The Rani laughed. "Because, I used the blinovitch limitation limiter I got from you, right now, in the past, to go forward and kidnap the Doctor and lead you here in the present. Refusing to give it to me, creates a temporal paradox."
"Oh. Then, um, we have to give it to you then, here you go." Romana said, handing it to the Rani.
"Suckers! I just made that up, and now I got a free Blinovitch limitation limiter! Ta, ta, bitches!"
The Rani disappeared, using the limiter to teleport away.
"Merde." Muttered Roman.
The Doctor fell out of the ceiling and landed on the floor. "Um, Hello." She muttered.
"Doctor!" Leela and Romana cheered, lifting her up.
"We need to get out of here, Doctor, there are Cybermen!" Leela said.
"I haven't seen any," said Romana, Roman and The Doctor, looking elsewhere as Leela picked up a Cybergun and shot another incoming army with it.
The Esophagus of this giant creature they are in, shuddered.
"My TARDIS is that way!" The Doctor said, pointing. "The Rani trapped me in the roof of the mouth of this creatures' mouth, but I saw where she put my thing.
Romana and Leela turned. "Well, mine is this way. So long, Doctor!" Romana said, as she and Leela rushed out.
From behind them, now uninpeded by Leela, the Cybermen stomped forward.
"WE ARE THE CYBERMEN, THIS WEEKS' RECOGNIZABLE VILLAIN THAT COULD BE REPLACED BY LITERALLY ANY OTHER DOCTOR WHO MONSTER." They said.
"Oh, so there are Cybermen." The Doctor said.
Roman and The Doctor ran to the TARDIS and shut the door.
Roman gasped for breath. "You know, Doctor, We still have an end goal. The Rani. She must be stopped."
"Oh, don't worry about that." said The Doctor. "I'm sure the third Romana is handling it."
Meanwhile, the third Romana, (as played by Mary Tamm) bashed the Rani's skull in with a hammer. The Rani would probably come back anyway.
"Well," said Roman. "In that case, Doctor, I'd like a ride back to my TARDIS."
"I'd prefer not to." The Doctor said, in earnest. "Could you...just...stay a while? I'm... kind of...
you know..."
"The body you were carrying earlier?" Roman deduced. "You do seem awfully cut up. He must have meant a lot to you."
"Yeah. and His death was senseless, random. As if it was a joke." The Doctor said.
"In that case..." Roman said. "I suppose...I could travel with you...briefly. You do mean a lot to me, Doctor. Even if this regeneration doesn't like admitting it."
"In that case..." The Doctor said. "How about the TARDIS Randomizer? Just like old times?"
Roman laughed, for the first time in a long while, as the Doctor pulled the lever.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench As The Doctor
Sir Patrick Stewart As Roman
Lalla Ward as Romana
Bette Midler as The Rani
Louise Jameson as Leela
The Entire Cast of Countryfile as Countryfile
Mary Tamm as The First Romana
Nicholas Briggs as The Cybermen
and
Danny Devito as Danny's Dead Body
On an entirely different note, the Cybermen base was later destroyed by Countryfile, using four hundred and twenty two different types of missiles.
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