NCJDDAS: The Elder Thing Part Two

NCJDDAS: The Elder Thing Part Two

Part Two of Two

Previously on Doctor Who...

The Doctor, Danny and Roman encountered a madman on a planet designed to look like Mayan civilization that was draining people's sense of humor and subsequently, their lives. Quickly, although the Doctor escaped their onslaught, Danny and Roman were captured and are now within the power of evil Temurra Morrison...

Chapter One

Danny began to tremble. 

"Now, Sammy Winters. Tell us your joke!" The evil old one rasped.
"Why?" Asked Danny.
"Because we have been old for far too long. And someone else, far older and more powerful than us, he's the only way we have for escape. Once the elder thing, our almighty Archetrix is awoken, he will give all, immortal and mortal, the sweet release of death. But I need your joke first. Now, come on!" 

As Danny began to wonder how to reconcile this cliffhanger, a bullet hit the old one in the chest and he toppled backwards. A woman catapulted down from the ceiling with a mission impossible rope, landing down on the floor and punching out two guards, before shooting another.

"Black Widow!!!" Danny exclaimed. 

"Sorry, Doll, what?" The woman asked, unaware of this series' comedic resemblance running gag.

Roman lay on the floor, and Danny turned his body over. 

"Crap!" said Danny, as Roman proceeded to regenerate. 

"Golly gee whiz!" Commented the woman in a incredibly bad new york accent, looking at Roman over Danny's shoulder. "Whadda Special Effect! Ya don't get that in pictures." 

"I'm sorry, what the fuck?" asked Danny, as per the usual. "Why are you dressed as a 1920's flapper, Black Widow?" 

Cherry sighed, now talking normal instead of weird-ass Harley Quinn. "Stop it. Stop calling me Black Widow."

"Wait, why are you talking normal?!"

"Look, my whole deal is I'm from the 1920s. I need to interject that into my dialog organically."

Two more spear wielding guards rushed in, and Cherry shot them in the chest without looking, dramatically, except because she didn't look, she missed them completely. 

"Oopsie Daisy." She muttered to herself, New York-ily. "Come on, let's go!" She yelled, dropping her guns to the stony floor as she turned to run. 

The guards moved in, angrily shouting. 

"Oh god oh fuck" whimpered Danny, picking up Roman's spindly body and rushing after Cherry.

* * * 

"Once upon a time, there was a king." The Doctor said, dramatically, as a crowd of villagers began to surround her in the center of the tourist housing units. "The King ruled the land with fear and horror, and this was a very bad thing. Soon, the rebels came up and fought up against him. His greatest weapon was soon destroyed by a young boy, and the king was mad. He called upon his best servant, the boy's father and told him to kill the boy. But the boy's father refused, and the King's second greatest weapon got blown up." 

The villagers surrounded the Doctor, listening intently to whatever story she was telling them. 

''But they only did that through the help of a bunch of cannibal teddy bears. And that's the plot of the original star wars trilogy, but that doesn't matter, villagers! Your people are being oppressed by an evil being known as The Elder Thing, that wants to be awoken and feed on the flesh of the land!" She exposited. 

The crowd of villagers continued to look at the Doctor oddly. 

"So, I need your support! For you to rise up against Emperor Palpatine, sorry, The Elder Thing and his servant The Old One! Who's with me!" 

The Villagers still looked at the Doctor oddly. 

"Oh, for god's sake..." The Doctor muttered to herself, before screeching dramatically, "A SPECTRE HAS FALLEN OVER EUROPE" and the tourists, suddenly holding heavy weaponry, rushed to

 de-establish the bourgeoisie. 

* * *

Cherry, Danny and the unconscious Roman rushed through the pyramid's hallways out of the sacrificial antechamber. Roman was no longer regenerating, he was just doing a historical reinactment of Lie of the Land. Now, they carried him through the hallway like Indiana Jones.

Snakes, Spiders and a rolling boulder began to fall from the ceiling to complete the homage.
"So, seriously, who are you?!" Danny blurted. 
"I am Cherry Classified, agent of Torchwood, specializing in espionage and dated 1920s references."
"Dated 1920s references? I'm intrigued."
"I can say 'I don't think we're in Kansas anymore' but the rest of them are racist."
"Understandable! What's Torchwood!"
"It's an agency, but really it's Doctor Who but with more swearing and sex."
"More??"

* * * 

Meanwhile,
The Doctor and the Tourists began their communist revolution.
I'm sorry, I just realized how great that sentence is.

The Doctor moved away from the Tourists as they began to swarm against a mayan pyramid's walls, clambering up them by climbing on eachother angrily. The Guards were bluntly murdered.
As the onslaught began, the Doctor moved aside to examine one of the mayan-like relics.
"So, why is this place super duper Mayan? Like, I get you can only do so much description, but this is an alien planet! Places like this don't just show up as coincidences, they're forged. And oh boy, this place was made, I'm sure of that, but why?"
She thought a bit.
"Oh, is it the Star Trek approach?"

* * * 

The Star Trek approach is a theory that has been aped by every science fiction writer that has ever lived. In the Star Trek original series episode, 'Who Mourns for Adonis?' It is revealed that the Greek Gods were real aliens that influenced societal development by tricking humans into worshipping them, and influencing culture. This was used again in the Star Trek Voyager episode Tattoo, where all Native American spirits are revealed to be aliens, solidifying the Star Trek name. This was then aped by literally everything else where aliens influence societal development. Including in Doctor Who itself where Sutekh is the egyptian god, or even in smaller examples, like witches meeting Shakespeare. So basically every sci-fi since 2001- A Space Odyssey. Ever. This message was sponsored by TVtropes. Tropealicious!

"The Star Trek Approach! Why didn't I see it before! So, this elder thing god, what is it? Influencing Mayan Culture and all that, it explains why everything is such a carbon copy, but what? What's their endgoal?" The Doctor rambled to herself. "I need a companion to talk too, quickly!"
She pointed a gun at a tourist. "You! You're the new companion!"
"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HURT ME"
"Excellent! So, let's think, what does the Elder Thing have to gain?"
"OH MY GOD, I'LL DO ANYTHING, TAKE MY MONEY, PLEASE DON'T KILL ME"
"Right, so the old one wants death, but still believes in age being power, my money is he's an idiot.."
"AHH ALL I CAN SEE IS BLOOD HELP ME PLEASE"
"Right. So, if we're gonna stop the Elder Thing, we need to figure out what he wants. and it can't be just to destroy, or I'd have heard of him before. Vengeful gods are a thing I know well. I was one for 20 minutes. Come on, companion person." She gestured with the gun, and they kept walking.
A spear hit Companion person in the chest, and he irked to the ground, dead.
"No!!!!! Who just killed my companion?"

"I! And because his whole existence was a funny joke, I now have the fuel I need to bring back my god!" screamed The Old One, suddenly beside the Doctor.

"You!" screamed the Doctor. "You're a venomous old bastard, well, I'm going to stop you. What's your real deal, old one?"

"My real name is Gerald." said The Old One. "And you're gonna die!"

"As if!" said the Doctor, "That's never gonna happen!"

A glowing blue silhouette rose from the ground, the size of a mountain, and everyone within 23 miles died of their brains literally falling out of their ears in the most graphic death possible.

As the Doctor died, she decided to shrug it off, and she got up, her eardrums bleeding.
"Oh, it's the future guy from Star Trek: Enterprise! I knew this had to do with Star Trek!"

"No, I just look like that." Said The Elder Thing. "But I shall assume a form you are more comfortable with." The Elder Thing shrank down to the size of a normal person.
The silhoutte faded out, and a human form appeared.

"Captain Archer from Star Trek: Enterprise!" The Doctor mocked.

"It was the most recent thing in your memory bank," complained the Elder thing, who now looked like Captain Archer.

The Doctor laughed. "So, you're gonna bring death and all that to your followers, Elder Thing."

"Please, call me my real name. The Arc Villain. Archetrix To My Friends."

"Your parents called you ARC VILLAIN?"

"I exist beyond time, beyond the very fundamental concept of mind itself. I am everything and I am nothing, I was made out of the very fabric of billions of dying universes. I had no parents."

"You came up with that name yourself??" The Doctor snickered.

The Archetrix raised his hand and catapulted the Doctor into a nearby tree.
"Defy me, Doctor, and I shall snap you like the very limbs that hold you up." He growled.
"I am the greatest of the old ones, and I have been waiting for release for a very long time."

"Great old ones? The Nestene, Great Intelligence, Fenric, Sutekh and Cthulhu, the five most powerful minds of old, outside of the time lords or daleks themselves. They always rumored of a sixth. An Other." The Doctor theorized. "That must be you."

"The other is the gallifreyan stuff with tecteun, I think? I don't really get it..." said The Archetrix. "But yes, I am the last of the old ones. and the Greatest. You aren't gonna beat me. There is no deux ex machina big enough."

"Try me," said the Doctor, suddenly T-Posing and rising in midair in a Jesus allegory.

The Jesus allegory was just too powerful. There was no way to stop it. 

"NO! NO! NO!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" screamed Arc Villain. "I...I will return!" he screamed, fading into the void.

Cherry and Danny ran out into the open, carrying Roman.
"Wow, Doctor, you did it!" Danny said.

"Yes, yes I did," said the Doctor, very self congratulatory. "I usually only save that move for season finales."

Cherry raised her eyebrows. "Doctor." she growled, softly. "I have orders from Torchwood Four."

"What?" The Doctor asked.

"To kill you." She said, lowering a gun.

* * *

"What?!?" Screamed Danny. "Black Widow, I thought you were cool."

Cherry shot Danny in the leg and he made comedic noises.

"I thought the story was over!" Roman complained. "It's like - the bad guy just lost! It's like Return of the King or something!" 

Cherry snapped, in control of the situation. "Now, Doctor. I'm sorry, doll, but orders state that you have lost your character development. You learned a long time back, that you should solve problems as the Doctor, not as a gun-toting freak. But you unlearned that somehow. Since your confrontation with the Plan, you reverted to your season one status, due to emotional drain, perhaps? You're now just like William Hartnell. Super willing to bash people's head in with a rock. It's my job, but It's not my problem to know why. I'm just here to shoot you. Stop you. Any way I can."

"You're dressed as a flapper! How are you dangerous!" screamed Danny.

Cherry judo-flipped Danny into a tree, as he continued to be comedically injured. Cherry continued on. 

"Because the Doctor is a danger to time. She's going to create a paradox that will send Me, Orr, Yaz, Gwen, Colchester, and Ianto back to the 1920s, and we form a team that will be a really awesome spinoff. But while we're in the past, the future collapses. We need to set things right, so we took a little vortex manipulator that just happened to fly by, and they sent me here, after you."

"What? Those people are my friends!" said The Doctor, sputtering.

"You're the Valeyard, everything the Doctor is against. They, and I am against that! I'm shutting you down!"

"Wait, vortex manipulator, where'd you get it?" The Doctor asked.

"That's not important." Cherry said. "Look, - Look, I'm done explaining things to you! God, I'm - I'm monologuing!?! why am I monologuing when I could just kill you?!"

"I don't know." The Doctor said, fiddling with her sonic screwdriver. "Why don't you tell me why?!"

"Well you see I don't understand why I'm monologuing still because now I am aware that I'm monologuing and it is only causing me pain in this particular scenario. I just don't get it. Perhaps it could all be related back to the origin of monologue in modern literature, a form popularized in Greek Drama such as Medea and Oedipus Rex, but popularized by William Shakespeare in the mid 1800s. Indeed, even though I'm aware I am monologuing, some powerful force drives me to continue, for I cannot truly stop, I cannot stop speaking on and on about my evil plans and truly Doctor I really just want to shoot you at the moment so please could you just stop whatever magic powers you're doing to make me monologue? You have magic powers, right? I'd compare it to something but I don't know, I can't even make reference points to The Wizard of Oz here anymore, because that came out in the 1940s and I'm from the 1920s. Look, please. just skip this paragraph. free me from this monologue prison please oh god I just want to be able to stop speaking again oh n o  oh god what's going on why is this happening I can't stop speaking, even if I don't have anything to say see I just can't stop it's like all one sentence now why is it all one sentence now that doesn't make any sense honestly really this is starting to become an overly long gag at this point? Like seriously? What's with this? Does anyone find this joke still funny? It's clearly being over-extended around thirty times now. Like, we've passed the fourth wall around eighty times. I could say the Bee Movie script at this point and it would make sense. According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready!" 

The Doctor by now had decoded Cherry's vortex manipulator and activated her sonic screwdriver over the course of the very long monologue. 

The Vortex manipulator activated.
"Damn you!" screamed Cherry, trying to fire, as she disappeared back into the year 1920.

Then it was over. Really. 

They stood there, unsure what to think, the three of them just sort of processing the whole thing. 

"Well, that dragged on, didn't it?" Danny commented eventually. "I'm glad it's over."

The Doctor wasn't sure it was. Wasn't sure at all... 

"Come on." Roman began. "Let's get back to the TARDIS."

The Doctor nodded, distantly, and they walked on to their next adventure. 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Sir Ian McKellen as Roman II 
Danny Devito as Danny
Temurra Morrison as The Old One
Scott Bakula as The Elder Thing/Arc Villain/Archetrix/Captain Archer
and
Introducing
Scarlett Johansson as Cherry Classified