NCJDDAS: Gimmick
NCJDDAS: Gimmick
Part One of Two
Chapter One
Mr. Hedgewick walked out on stage. Tonight, he was going on Rigel 3's Got Talent, and he was really excited. He was going to perform a special song with the spoons. It was going to be great! Plus he was 97, so he was guaranteed to win at that!
He was going through the backstage closets, looking for his costume, when a man stopped him.
"New studio mandate, old chap. Put this on." He handed Mr. Hedgewick a white hazmat suit.
"Why?" Mr Hedgewick was beside himself.
"Don't ask questions, Mister Hedgewick."
He put it on. It was hard, his bones these days were stiff. The thing covered his face, no one could see him at all. He felt watched.
The bell rang, and he stepped out on stage.
The entire theater was empty, a white void of an audience. No one was there at all.
Every seat in the entire theater was empty, a white theater of nothing, except for a slick man in a black suit with a sharp chin and bald head, wearing darkened shades in the very first row.
"I am the Judge." He said.
"The judge? I thought Simon Cowell was doing this?"
"There was an accident." said The Judge, flicking a piece of skin off of his teeth.
"Oh." Mr Hedgewick said. He forged on. He began his sob story, that was how he was going to win, really. Old people with sob stories always won these things. He had had brain cancer after all, he deserved to win this, really.
"I-" he began,
"Stop There, and Proceed with your Act." The Man said, sharp and intoning,
"What? I haven't even told you my name!"
"You are contestant 9417, Begin your act, contestant 9417"
The bald man in the suit glared.
Mr. Hedgewick sighed to himself.
I Dreamed A Dream of Time Gone By... He began...
A nice first note. He should have recieved thunderous applause by now.
The Man in the sharp suit continued to watch, silently.
Mr. Hedgewick sang the next line. I Dreamed That Love Would Never Diiiieee...
The Man in the front row raised a sign in his hand labelled 4.
Mr Hedgewick felt a sharp pain in his chest...
Then there was nothing.
Chapter Two
The Doctor's TARDIS landed. Roman got out.
"Doctor, where have you brought me?" He grunted.
Danny wandered out behind him. "Oi, Doc? This place seems weird," he mumbled, almost to himself.
The Doctor got out. "Well, I said at the end of The Three Romanas, a season and a half ago, that I'd turn on the randomizer."
"Yes?"
"I did." She said, scanning the air with her sonic.
"Could you put that buzzing thing down? If this place had interesting readings, the TARDIS would have told you." Roman grumbled. "Besides, you use the thing way too much."
"Okay, okay, Michael Grade." said The Doctor, pocketing it.
"What is this place? Some kind of theater?" Danny mumbled to himself.
"Yeah, it seems like it."
Ryan Seacrest perked up from behind them.
"Ryan Seacrest?" exclaimed The Doctor.
"HI THERE! WELCOME TO RIGEL THREE'S GOT TALENT, CONTESTANTS!" Unlike the Judge, who spoke with an intoning voice that sounded sort of natural, Ryan Seacrest stood there, awkwardly screaming at the top of his lungs.
"COULD YOU PLEASE PUT THESE ON, CONTESTANTS?" He said, levying three white boiler suits towards them. He incidentally, also yelled the previous sentence directly in Danny's ear.
"Oi, watch it!" Complained Danny, taking the suit.
"I am not a contestant." Said Roman.
"SORRY FOR THE MISTAKE. I GUESS YOU'RE AN AUDIENCE MEMBER THEN. GO HOME."
"What?"
"GO HOME! THE AUDIENCE HAS BEEN OUTLAWED BY THE GENEVA CONVENTION" Screamed Ryan Seacrest.
"Fine, I'm a contestant." grumbled Roman, taking the suit back.
The Doctor smiled. "This'll be fun! I love talent shows! They're so cool!"
Danny mumbled. "Doctor, have you actually seen talent shows recently?"
"No!" The Doctor said, blissfully.
Roman pointed at Danny. "I'll take this." He said. "Talent Shows have become a caterer to the lowest common denominator in television, where all of the contestants have to be old, a soldier, or young in order to win. Half of the segments on talent are now taken up by the contestant's sob stories, and no one is very good."
"Hmm, this seems like a very subtle satire." The Doctor said.
The bell rang.
Mrs. Hamilton came up to them. "Hello, dearies! I'm Mrs. Havisha Hamilton! I'm one of your contestants, guys!" She was a large woman, though not fat, just muscly, and wearing a heavy amount of eyeliner, and a large tutu. She was fabulous. "Aren't you excited?"
"Yes!" said The Doctor, as Roman and Danny leered.
"Well, darlings, I've been watching Rigel Three's got talent since I was a little non-euclidean lifeform. I can't believe I'm actually on it!"
"What do you do?" The Doctor asked.
Mrs. Hamilton blinked. "Um, I do impression."
"Impressions?"
"No, Impression. Just Marge Simpson."
They stared.
"I'm very good!"
"MRS. HAVISHA HAMILTON TO THE STAGE PLEASE!" Screamed Ryan Seacrest, suddenly behind her, screaming in her ear. She gasped for breath, grabbing her pocketbook, and blowing the three of them kisses. "May the best REDACTED win!" She cheered, going out onto the stage.
"Oh, this is going to go wonderfully." Roman said to himself.
Chapter Three
"MRS. HAVISHA HAMILTON TO THE STAGE PLEASE! ALL OTHER CONTESTANTS CAN WATCH ON THEIR PERSONAL MONITOR!"
"Cool," said Danny, turning on the TV, and his face melted.
"Oh, darn," said The Doctor, messing with the remote control, until Danny's face popped back up.
"Sorry Danny, you're brain isn't meant to tolerate Light 2.0. It may have deflated. If you see some grey matter on the floor, try and scoop it back in." She said, as if it was a normal sentence.
They resumed attention to the screen as Mrs. Hamilton walked on stage to the Rigel 3's got talent tune. "Greetings everybody!" said Ryan Seacrest, presenting the now unrecognizable Mrs. Hamilton in her boiler suit to the non-existant crowd.
The man in the front row eyed Ryan Seacrest and he moved backstage again.
Backstage, The Doctor, Danny and Roman watched. "Why's the audience empty?" Danny asked.
"Hmm." said The Doctor. "I thought they were joking about the illegal audience thing. I guess they're all at home, watching it on TV."
"Or there isn't any." said Roman. The thought was oddly chilling.
Mrs Hamilton began. "Hi, y'all! I'm Mrs-"
"Thank you, contestant 9418," said The Judge. "Please begin your act."
"Excuse me, Sir? I just want to say a few words. About my past. So the audience can emphasize with my performance better."
"I'm sure that it's utterly unnecessary." Intoned The Judge. "Begin your act, contestant 9418."
"Oh gee wiz, I'm Marge Simpson," said Mrs. Hamilton. It was extraordinary. Not merely did it sound like Marge, it invoked character, drama, and an age and wisdom in the character. It felt developed, natural. It was truly the best impression anyone had ever-
The Judge held up a sign labelled 3, as Mrs. Hamilton crumbled into dust.
Chapter Four
The screen had cut to commercials.
"Oh, shit." Muttered Danny. "Did you see that? What do we do?"
The Doctor's brow furrowed.
She shrugged, focused on what was going to happen next.
Roman turned to the Doctor, equally worried. "What is this, Doctor? They couldn't possibly have just murdered her on live television!"
"I'm afraid they did. I guess Rigel Four's television got a little stale without the overlong sob stories. This is how they rake in the views," she spat. "Stakes, Action, Drama! Come and get it all on Rigel 3's got Talent!" She growled.
"Well, what do we do?" Danny asked.
"Nothing from in here." The Doctor said. "The screen is live-edited. I need to see the Judge, be right with him while he's doing it to figure out how to stop him."
"But that's dangerous!"
"Incredibly."
"You'd only have a few seconds," Roman said, "Face it! Those people out there were exceptional! This isn't a got talent show, it's a disguised culling, it has more in common with the bloody Hunger Games! Or that really shitty short story where they draw straws to bash eachother over the head with stones that they keep teaching in English!"
"Then I'll just have to be really, really good." The Doctor said, seriously.
The screen ended it's ad break.
"And now, Rigel Three's Got Talent!" Cheered a surprisingly normal voice next to Ryan Seacrest's face. (Clearly edited.) "We're happy to show you the talent of the randomly selected population of Rigel 3! Life Changing Performances, Live! On Rigel Three's Got Talent!"
"Oh, no." said The Doctor. "I'm afraid your culling theory was right, Roman." They shuddered.
Ryan Seacrest quickly ushered the next contestant in. They hadn't seen her before.
"Hi, I'm-"
"Contestant 9419, I would care for you to stop talking. Please Begin Your Act."
"I'm here to make a stand!" The Woman said, tearing off her mask. "My name is Eliza Shane, and I am a person! I am an individual, not just one of your little contestants! I am-"
Her head fell to the floor.
"Shame." said The Judge in a nonplussed tone, adjusting his sunglasses. "They try this every season."
The Doctor had to shut down the screen. "We need to get me out there. If I can figure out how he's doing it, we can stop it."
Roman got up. "I'll distract Seacrest. It'll keep him from putting me on, if I hide."
"Good plan." said The Doctor, "Now-"
"MR. DANNY DEVITO SLASH SAMMY WINTERS," The backstage loudspeakers intoned " TO THE STAGE PLEASE!"
"Oh," said the Doctor. "Oh, no."
Danny got up. And he walked onto the stage entrance, opened the door, and as he put on his boiler suit, he stepped out.
To Be Continued...
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman I
Sir Ian McKellen as Roman II
Danny Devito as Danny/Sammy Winters
David Warner as The Judge
Ryan Seacrest as Himself
Hugh Jackman as Hedgewick
Lucy Liu as Eliza Shane
and
Featuring
Whoopi Goldberg as Havisha Hamilton
With
Tim Curry as The Dubbed Voice of Ryan Seacrest
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