NCJDDAS: Gimmick Part Two

NCJDDAS: Gimmick

Part Two

"MR. DANNY DEVITO SLASH SAMMY WINTERS," The backstage loudspeakers intoned " TO THE STAGE PLEASE!"

"Oh," said the Doctor. "Oh, no."

Danny got up. And he walked onto the stage entrance, opened the door, and as he put on his boiler suit, he stepped out.
The Judge sat in his seat, the sixth in the front row.
"Begin your act, subject 23601," the Judge said.

"Is that a Les Mis-"

"For the love of god, subject 23601, please begin your act."

"Um." Danny said, sitting down onto the stage. "I'm not good at much. But I can tell a mean story."

"Begin Your Mean Story, Subject 23601."

"Well, I like to call this one, um..."

The First Tale: The Reunification of Brewster

"As all good people know, there are three Doctors' in the main range audio series of the audio company Big Finish productions. Of these, there are two doctors who met a character named Thomas Brewster and starred in a trilogy with him. I am here to tell you, the hidden story... the final trilogy... of Thomas...Brewster...."

"Nobody wants to hear this, subject 23601."

Danny continued, dropping the quotation marks for narration so the syntax wouldn't be confusing....
It was San Fransisco, not the first time the Doctor had arrived there...and it wouldn't be the last. The Doctor had stepped out of his TARDIS, investigating a strange temporal signature with his sonic umbrella, raised high above his forehead. He examined the device. He trashed it onto the pavement, before reaching into the TARDIS and grabbing his usual umbrella, and carrying on, onto the central San Francisco street. Someday he would die here. But he didn't know that, he was feeling rather jolly, all things considered, and he nipped into a nearby shop for a bite.
Mrs. Cheryl White stood behind the counter.
"Why, hello there!" She called out to the strange little man who had plodded into her shop like he owned the place. She continued to call out to him, but he intently examined the pastries in the small display freezer at the front of the shop. He'd cut a man in the line to get there, but they sort of moved out of the way, whether out of fear or instinct.
"Pastries." The Doctor rasped with his distinct voice that the seventh doctor has that I'm not sure how to describe. "You know, people often underestimate the little things like Pastries."

"Well, I suppose they do, sir." Cheryl paused. She was welsh, strange for San Francisco, the Doctor noticed quickly but said nothing on it, before dragging the conversation on.

"Well of course they do, who wouldn't? It's the gutter that always gets forgotten about. Who thinks about pastries when there's world politics to worry about? And out of the gutter, things rise.
The great dictators of thousands of galaxies forget about those gutters. That's where I operate." The Doctor said, sharply.

"We are, um, talking about pastries though." Cheryl muttered, but the Doctor had sort of forgotten his metaphor and was going about his business.

"I'm like a pastrie, Cheryl, I collapse dictatorships." The Doctor said, straight faced.

Cheryl blinked, unaware of how he got her name, and clearly a bit out of it.

Brewster walked into the shop.

"Hey Cheryl!" he said.

"Oh, hello, Brewster." said The Doctor, turning around towards him.

"Doctor?" Brewster asked, confused, and sort of recognizing him in a strange way.

"Hold on, Brewster." The Doctor said, fiddling with his pockets. He got out his keys, multiple chains of keys, it took him a while, before removing a copy of Herman Melville's Unabridged Moby Dick in German, followed by three pens, a jelly baby, string, and a paper clip stretched into a long wire for lockpicking. He followed this up a gun, and he shot Brewster in the head....

"Time Anomaly," The Doctor said to Cheryl, as the alarms sounded.

The End.

"That's it?" The Judge said, confusedly. "That was unironically amazing, and I want to hear more."

"Well, it's an anthology release using this as a framing device," said Danny. "I'm sure Roman and The Doctor will have stories to tell you."

"Well, that's nice and lovely." said The Judge, holding up a sign, that for once... said... 9.

Danny stepped out of the judgement booth, quite pleased with himself.
"Your turn, Roman."

"Bollocks."

Roman got into his white boiler suit and moved onstage.

"Begin your talent, subject 23602." The Judge said, hungrily.

Roman blanched. "Well, I can tell a story too, I suppose."

"Yes, contestant 23602??"

"Hmm. Well then. Um, Yes. This story, I like to call..."

The Second Tale: How I won a Football Game, AKA How The Doctor was A Complete Idiot Barely Worth A Farthing 

"I'll accept it. Is this American Football or English Football?"

"Venusian. If you will allow me to begin?"

The TARDIS, of course landed, this was how these things happened. I got out, beside the Doctor, I in some random schoolgirl outfit for some reason, and he in his voluptuous scarf and coat. "Hello Romana," Tom Baker, I mean The Doctor said to me, "Have I ever told you how perfect you are, Romana? You're awesome, Romana, you're very cool Romana, really."
Because the old fellow was speaking sense for once, I grinned happily, and we moved on.
"We seem to have materialized in some sort of sports field." I said.
"How perceptive and brilliant of you, Romana, I could never have figured that out!" said The Doctor in earnest.

"Excuse me," said The Judge, interrupting the story. "Is this exactly how it happened?"

Roman made a face. "Of course!" He was lying.

The story then continued.
"My dear Romana, how amazed am I that you have made such an intellectual feat! I am so much dumber than you, Romana, please, I am nothing in your eternal brilliance," said The Doctor, kissing the five diamond rings I had on my hand. "Why, thank you, Doctor," I said, "I'm so glad, after all this time, you could finally admit it." It was the most intelligent hing he had ever said, even if he began chewing a rock a few moments later.
Some hot men in uniforms ran up to us. "Romana, Amazing Romana," They said, "We are doomed! We are playing a Venusian football game, Romana, and we do not know how to defeat our opponents, they are universally proclaimed to be the best players who have ever played this game ever! Only you, with your eternal brilliance, can lead us to victory!"
Why, I had never played such a game before, but I decided I could give it a whirl, and I gallantly skipped onto the field and the game began. To my left, I saw The Doctor and K-9 in the bleachers, cheering me on. "Statement: Romana Possesses No Flaws!" Cheered K-9, and I blushed. The Doctor banged his head on a anvil, splurting blood everywhere, and I cheered again, but the ball was moving towards me, fast.
I caught the ball, unaware of what to do with it, and the enemy team came up to me.
"Romana! How could we ever win against Romana! Dearie Me!" They proclaimed, and moved to the side politely so I could throw my ball, which landed the most perfect score that had ever scored in the history of football. Of course, I hardly believe it was my best throw.
The scoreboard broke down and collapsed into fire and flames for it could not calculate the results.
We kept playing, as per the fact that one round of the game had not ended yet.
300 young fit men charged at me, prepared to take the ball from my fingertips, and although I was the only person on the field to face them, I soon launched my ball and they all instantly got concussions and fell over, and as I rose up into the sky with my angel wings, that I have always had and used my laser eyes to collapse the city capital, I hit the ball into the goal. I landed down onto the ground and they gave me 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 medals, and everyone told me how perfect I am, and cheered that I was truly an inspiring female athlete.

The End.

"Then you woke up from your dream?" The Judge asked.

Roman punched him.

...

The Doctor was called onstage, and she got into her unidentifiable boiler suit and moved onstage as well.

“Well, Subject 1963. Begin your performance.”

“Oh, I will.” The Doctor said. “I have quite an act waiting for you.” She smiled, rather wickedly.

“Our last contestant was rather stupid. I do believe I’ve wasted another of his regenerations.” The Judge said, pointing to Roman’s prone body lying on the stage.
“Do try and do better. Another story?”

“No,” smiled the Doctor. “My talent is ...deduction.” She sat down on the middle of the stage, next to Roman’s fizzling body. “It’s your turn to tell me a story, of how this whole thing happened. Why you’ve created a murder game show.”

“What is there to tell? Your performance, please, Contestant 1963!” The Judge growled.

“Fine then. If you’re being so obstinate.” The Doctor said, strolling around the stage, twirling about happily. “I always love being in the spotlight.”

“This is against the rules of Rigel Three’s Got Talent! Cease or I shall Eliminate you From The Competition! No Personality May Be Exhibited! Contestant 23602 misunderstood that, and they were eliminated! Do not make me eliminate you!”

“Really?” Asked The Doctor, turning back towards him. “You see, I get it. Your talent shows got too personality based. They became personality shows. If a contestant had any bit of a sad story, they got all the attention, and they raised themselves off it. And the public, too attached to the show, couldn’t bring themselves to cancel it. But they could cancel themselves. Cancel individuality. And that in turn, has cancelled Talent. Danny and Roman have been your best contestants in years, I wager. People singing songs but not allowed to put emotion behind them? That’s why they all got a big ol’ zero!”

“CEASE YOUR PRATTLE!” The Judge said!

“Oh, no, not now, I’m getting you invested. In me. The person with the biggest sob story of all time. I fought in a war larger than anything anyone on this planet has ever known, and I have seen more people die than I can count! You want talent! I’ll give you talent! You don’t want a sob story? Too bad. Because I’m in this game, and I am winning.” She finished.

The Judge raised his hand to snap her out of existence with a blast.

“Ah, you can’t do it though. I’m the most compelling performance this show’s ever had. And look up there, that sign in the corner. It’s ticking up. Your Ratings are the best they’ve ever been!”
She took off her boiler mask.
“And plus, I’m old. Old people always win these things.”

The Judge sat in his chair, dumbfounded, and he held up a sign, not for her, but for himself. Zero. In a moment, he was gone.

The Third Tale: How They Got Better

The Doctor and Nyssa stepped out of the TARDIS, to view the sunset on an ancient but still thriving planet.
“Doctor,” she said. “Where are we, exactly?”
“Rigel Three,” he said, learnedly. “The largest planet in Showbiz there’s ever been. A while ago, some random incarnation of mine, not sure which, they souped it up. It was falling apart, a place of decadence and murder for entertainment. But there’s quite a lot of something happening here.”
“And What’s That?” Asked Nyssa.
“Talent,” winked The Doctor. “Someday I’ll come here in it’s past and fix it. But for now, let’s go enjoy the show. My treat.”
“Really?” Asked Nyssa, joyfully.
“Indeed.” He smiled. “Come on, tickets for Hamilton! My second favorite cast to play it, you know. Qieudjsjsmrjrieoxlyrl is an Amazing Lead.”

“He’s a caterpillar,” said Tegan, stepping out of the TARDIS from behind them.

“Now, now, don’t be speciest. Shall we go?”

The Doctor led Tegan and Nyssa over the hillside, and down to the city of talent and exuberance, that someday would be made by him. But for now, he was enjoying the ride.

The End.

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred 
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Sir Ian McKellen as Roman II
Danny Devito as Danny
David Warner as The Judge
Ryan Seacrest as Himself

The First Tale Starred
Sylvester McCoy as The Doctor
John Pickard as Thomas Brewster
Ellen Degeneres as Cheryl White

The Second Story Starred
Tom Baker as The Doctor
Lalla Ward as Romana II
John Leeson as K-9
And
300 Football People From Venus

The Third Story Starred
Peter Davison as The Doctor
Sarah Sutton as Nyssa
Janet Fielding as Tegan
And
Qieudjsjsmrjrieoxlyrl The Caterpillar As Alexander Hamilton