NCJDDAS: Heel of The Archetrix

For A Prompt By “Rat”

NCJDDAS: Heel of The Archetrix

Majorly Arc Related, Advised Reading of The Elder Thing Part I and II first.
Advised Torchwood obsession.

Season Finale

Previously On Doctor Who…
The Doctor, Danny and Roman encountered a cult being named the Elder Thing that took the form of Scott Bakula, the Star Trek actor in an Indiana Jones rip-off…
In other news, Cherry Classified, an immoral Torchwood agent flapper, wants to kill the Doctor, and she may well get her chance, if the rest of Torchwood doesn’t love the Doctor so much….


Chapter One

Cherry Classified sat in the Torchwood hub, her arms crossed petulantly. When was the Captain going to be back? They’d been stuck in the 1920s for what seemed like ages, and although she loved being dressed up like Flapper Carmen Sandiego, the 1920s weren’t very friendly towards her type, which was, you know, gay. She wondered how stereotypically she fit the bill for Torchwood recruits, and she scowled. This new Torchwood hub they’d built here with the help of Torchwood’s actual 1920s unit, was rather frustratingly low-tech, and she wondered when the others would get back. Somehow it was in New York too. STARZ’s network agreement had allowed Torchwood access for bases in the US. The door opened.
“Oi! Cherry! Grab a gun!” Proclaimed Captain Gwen Cooper. “The Arc Villain is back.”

Captain Archer/The Elder Thing/The Series’ Arc Villain Paraded Through the Streets of 1920s New York. “Hear me and rejoice!” He called out, angrily. “I have come to this world to feast. And you all shall worship me, or you shall die.”

A crowd of angry Christians charged towards him with torches and pitchforks, but he raised his glowing silhouette like hand and vaporized them into oblivion.

“This is the end time!” He proclaimed. And he growled and grit his teeth. “You will bring me...the Doctor.”

The TARDIS dematerialized in uptown New York, and as the Doctor, Danny and Roman got out, they saw the smoke, horrified. Roman had recently regenerated into another old male body as the result of a talent competition. He hadn’t really changed much aside from exterior appearance, which meant he now looked like Tom Baker, creating an amazing paradox.

“What the hell is that?” Pointed Danny at the smoke in the distance.
“Trouble.” Said The Doctor, unhelpfully.
Roman, now Tom Baker, was getting used to his new mouth. "OH, WHITHER SHALL I FLY SHALL SHE NOT BE HERE ANON, IS SHE NOT HURRYING TO UPBRAID ME FOR MY HASTE??!?!?"
They glared at him.
"Sorry." Roman mumbled.
"Okay, guys. This is already major." Said The Doctor, looking at the horrors ahead of her. A building collapsed. "There was never a fiery cataclysm of this kind in this particular year of the 1920s." She said, pointing. "This is supposed to be dark, and noiry, with weird flickering street lights, not OVERFLOWING WITH THE FIRES OF HELL. Danny, you're coming with me. Roman, I need you to find the citizens, and evacuate them. And for my sake, please change your face, or I may stab you."

Roman stabbed himself and regenerated into Sean Connery.

Then, they nodded at eachother agreeably, (Roman a bit sad about having to waste a body for the Doctor’s ego, but he figured the Doctor would have stabbed him anyway) and moved down the street, towards the unearthly fire.

Chapter Two

"Situation?" asked Gwen, towards her crowd of time displaced agents. They had all came from the future, but In case you missed The Elder Thing, it included Orr, Yaz, Gwen, Colchester, Ianto, Suzie and Yvonne. All taken from different points in their timeline, all falling under Gwen's leadership, here in the 1920s. For those who haven’t listened to the audios,
Colchester is a remarkably efficient badass Gay Veteran
Orr is a shapeshifting person who turns into what people are horny for
Fuck you, listen to One Rule
"Sucky," replied Yaz, newly recruited Torchwood agent. "We have a fiery silhouette of hell walking down the street, and exploding buildings into eachother. Everything is collapsing. Suzie Costello and Yvonne Hartman are moving some of the survivors into the emergency bunkers, but we have very little time."
"Colchester?" Asked Gwen, "What's it want?"
"It's asking for The Doctor," Colchester growled. "Which is good. We want her too."
"I know, I know, killing the Doctor will fix the paradox of us being trapped in the 1920s, and she is evil and The Valeyard," said Gwen, mostly incorrect, "But I'm not willing to kill in cold blood unless it's absolutely necessary. Ianto, weapons?"
"One low grade laser disintegrator rifle, we have roughly eight shots with it, make them count," Ianto said, passing out weapons, "Several period piece handguns, One Assault Rifle and three grenades."
"That's all?"
"Also a paperclip and a piece of string."
"Good Man. Orr, you take the laser disintegrator, and try and set it up away from people, at an angle that we might hit the hell thing. Also, we don't want you distracting the locals."
Orr, accidentally having shapeshifted into Idris Elba due to Gwen's presence, picked up the disintegrator, and moved off. "Ianto, I need you on the front lines, try and distract it and/or damage it. Make the shots count. The rest of you, we need to find the Doctor. She's coming, there's no way she hasn't noticed this damage to the timeline. For once, She should not be considered Valeyard type, unless proven otherwise. We need her to shut this hell beast down. Move out everyone!"

The team moved out into the distance, and Gwen loaded her handgun.
"Here we go."

The Doctor and Danny ran down the street, trying to figure out what's going on.

Ahead, The Arc Villain stood.
"I am the End of All Things!" He proclaimed, collapsing a building. "Bring me the Doctor!"

"That's easy." said a voice from behind them. "I'm the Doctor!"

The Doctor turned to see behind her, another one of her.
The Doctor. Far Younger, Many Regenerations Ago.
A Younger Doctor, played by Sandra Oh.


"Oh, shit." Said The Doctor. "Is that my younger self, a fan casting from the Doctor Who Discord Server?"
"She doesn't have fourth wall awareness, Doctor, don't mention that she's not officially casted!" complained Danny.

"Hey, there!" The Doctor's younger self walked up, cheerfully. "Who are you supposed to be again?"

"YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!!!!" Proclaimed The Elder Thing/Scott Bakula/Arc Villain, who reached over with a massive fiery fist, imprisoning her in a cage made of the fires of hell.

"...shit." said The Doctor.

Chapter Three

Danny screamed. "Doctor, what can we do! We have to get her out of there! And she can't know it's you or the timeline will be disrupted."
The Doctor paused. "On the other hand, I can leave her in there, and I can work against the Arc Villain's plans without him expecting it."
"That'd be very unfair to a Doctor, who is at the very least, equally as valid as you."
"Yeah, but I'm sure she'll get story focus! Probably a cool interrogation scene or something, and it'll make my job way easier!" said The Doctor, cheerfully.
The Sandra Oh Doctor waved to them from inside the prison cell, cheerfully. "Run, citizens!" She called, "I will dispatch this evil beast soon, but for your safety, you must go!"
"I hope that's not character flanderization," muttered The Doctor, as they turned to rush away from the arc villain.

Gwen, Colchester and Yaz moved down the street, aiming guns at literally everything that moved.
"I just realized," said Yaz. "There are too many characters in this story, and some of them, therefore probably me, are going to be neglected."
"Probably," said Gwen, as a falling boulder crushed Yaz's spine.
"AAH!" Screamed Gwen.
"The Cities falling apart," said Colchester. "It's finale fanservice runaround, Gwen, be careful! Anyone can die! Especially Torchwood characters, who tend to do that anyway!"
"Oh, motherfucker!" Screamed Gwen, and Colchester and her ran faster.

Orr set up the laser rifle on the balcony, and aimed for the Arc Villain's head.
They, upon looking at the arc villain, accidentally was transformed into the Ideal Mate of The Arc Villain, and a second all consuming fire demon landed on top of several buildings, crushing them.
It was a normal day.

Ianto stood on the front lines shooting the elder monstrosity.
He was supposed to die in this segment, but the writer didn't want to do that, so the Arc Villain picked him up and put him in the cage with Sandra Oh.

Suzie and Yvonne began leading the citizens into the bunker.
"This way to safety or you'll die!" Suzie mumbled.
"I don't want to go underground, I have claustrophobia!" Complained a man.
Suzie shot him in the head. "This way to safety or you'll die!" She restated.
The people rushed underground a lot faster after that.

Roman came up to them.
"Sean Connery?" Questioned Yvonne Hartman.
"Well, no, my name is Romanadvoretrelundar, but let's go with Sean Connery." Roman said, beckoning citizens towards them. "I'm here to help!"

"Well, we both decided the fastest way to get people safe was to threaten them!" They both said, creepily and simultaneously.

"Um, what?" asked Roman.

"Shall you shoot him, Or shall I?" asked Suzie, as Roman was ushered down into the bunker with the other citizens. As Roman entered the bunker, Giant Hell Beast Orr fell on top of where Yvonne and Suzie were, and crushed them, and everyone else not in the bunkers, to death.

Meanwhile, The Doctor and Danny moved down the street, nervously.
"How are we going to stop what we are calling the Hell beast/Arc Villain/Elder Thing/Scott Bakula?"

"Badly." said The Doctor. "I'm not sure how we stop an oncoming behemoth that is steadily growing in size, that's a giant silhouette of Scott Bakula made out of fire. The death count in this story is already catastrophic. We're lucky if we make out of this alive."

"You said it!" Replied Cherry, stepping out from behind a corner and levying a gun towards them.
"Scarlett Johannsson!" Cheered Danny.
"No, that's the horrifyingly violent Torchwood lady that tried to kill us, remember?" The Doctor reminded.

"I don't care, this story already feels like someone bashing a bunch of action figures together." said Danny.

"You know, I actively like him," said Cherry. "Shame I have to shoot- hold on. Phone's ringing. Um, Hi Gwen. Um, Captain. Captain Gwen. You want me to what? You said, shoot them if they're Valeyardy, I've met this one, she's decidedly Valeyardy. Oh, fuck it. Fine."
Cherry holstered her gun and phone.
"Gwen says we need your help."
"How am I doing anything about this, exactly?" The Doctor asked. "Hell has opened."
"We do have a thing." said Cherry.

Chapter Four

"The Torchwood Hub," Cherry said, leading them inside. "And here's the Hiesenberg Subspace Magnaspanner."
"What's it do?" Danny asked.
"Emits Gravitic Subspace Duotronics into the Aetherial Plane." Cherry replied.
"Fuck off."

"Oh, so if it emits Gravitic Subspace Duotronics than couldn't we reconstitute the remaining tachyon particles into Artron energy?" The Doctor asked.

Cherry smiled. "Yeah. That would kill it. All you need is the living component. One of a time traveller."

"It would kill them, though." The Doctor said.

"'Which is why Gwen ordered me not to tell you about it. She does like you. Pity she hires more pragmatic people like me." Cherry grinned.

"I don't deserve what you're implying." said The Doctor. "Danny, stay with Cherry and look for alternatives. I need to take whatever that thing is down." The Doctor ran onto the street.

Cherry muttered to herself. "We had a plasma laser, but we gave it to Orr, and now they've transformed into whatever Scott Bakula has the hotties for."
Danny made a face. "Explain."
"It doesn't matter." said Cherry. "The Doctor's right. I hoped she'd have been heroic and taken the hit. Then the whole timeline would be realtered. None of Torchwood would be stuck in this era, nor a Monster would be stalking the streets. But, I don't know. I just don't know what's happening. I don't know."
Danny frowned. He just had a bad idea.

Meanwhile, Roman extricated himself from the rubble. "Oi, you!" Yelled Gwen, rushing towards him from the other side of the street. "What are you doing?"

"I'm Roman, The Doctor's bestie." He banged his head. He regenerated into Patrick Stewart. "Fuck! God, that hurt!"

"You okay?"

"I've wasted three bloody lives today, I am definitely not!" He complained. "What's with you?"
"We're trying to save the Doctor ourselves. She's stuck in some kind of cage with Ianto."

"Wha?" asked Roman. "That's not the Doctor, that's- that's another one!"

"Oh, bollocks!" Yelled Gwen, lowering a gun. "Mr. Colchester, we have incoming!"

The Arc Villain came forward, growling menacingly.

"What are you, you unearthly arc villain thing?" Roman yelled.

"I AM THE ARCHETRIX." He growled.

"Oh great, the thing that's about to kill us has a consistant name!" Complained Colchester.

"I COME FROM BEYOND. YOUR DOCTOR BROUGHT ME HERE. INTO THIS REALM OF FLESH AND BLOOD AND PAIN. THIS BODY I HAVE FORGED IS NOTHING BUT PAIN. YOU SHALL SHARE THAT PAIN!!!"

He hurled a boulder towards them.
"Colchester!" Yelled Gwen, and Colchester threw a grenade at the boulder, blasting it into dust.

From inside the cage, The Sandra Oh Doctor called out. "Archetrix, what ever I've done to hurt you, I am sorry! But these people don't deserve to die!"

"I WAS A MIND LONG AGO, NOTHING BUT THOUGHT, AND IT WAS SIMPLER! NOW THAT I HAVE A BODY I SUFFER! I SHALL FREEEEEEE THIS EAAARTHHHH FROOOOM IT'S MORTALLLL SHELLLLL!!!"

"Oh god, he's pissed." The Sandra Oh Doctor said. "Don't worry! I'll get out of here eventually! I have this nail file!"

A new voice called out.
"If you'll forgive me, I can get you out quicker." It was The Judi Dench Doctor, holding the remnant's of Orr's plasma laser cannon.

"Judi Dench?"

"No, I'm the Doctor!"

"Figures! Thanks, Me!" Cheered The Sandra Oh Doctor.

"Doctor," Gwen called out, "That cannon has a flawed side. If you fire it to take the thing out, it will kill you!"

"It will disintegrate you, Doctor!" Roman called. "There's no survival from that!"

"I've had some close shaves in my time, I'm willing to go out for anyone." The Doctor said. "I'm no Valeyard, Torchwood! I am the Doctor! And I'm going to save you all-"

"Sorry." Cherry walked over the hill.

"For what?" The Doctor asked.

"For what Danny's about to do." She replied, mournfully.

"No," The Doctor whispered.

In the Torchwood hub, Danny plugged himself into the machine. His time travelled body acting as the organic component. A needle stuck his side. He groaned. He reached into his pocket and grabbed his phone. He called the Doctor.

She picked up. "Danny?" she asked. "Please tell me you're not doing what I think you're doing."

Danny couldn't bear to say anything, but he smiled, and he pressed the intoning key to activate the machine.

"Danny?? Please-"

A Bright Light. Firing out of deep of the Torchwood hub, and it blasted forward. Into the growling, evil Archetrix which fell to it's knees in anguish.

A voice rang out in the Archetrix's mind.

"Who dares do this to me?" He thought, angrily.

"My name is Sammy Winters," Danny growled, and the Archetrix was blown into nothing.

Epilogue:

Everyone came to the funeral. First was Kate Stewart, the woman who had introduced him to the Doctor, and she proceeded over the services. Osgood had travelled in space for years, and it had been a while, but she finally came back down to earth, inhaler and all, to say goodbye.
Then was Bernice Summerfield, who sat down with the Sandra Oh Doctor, and who attempted to give her a bottle of brandy to little success. Thomas Brewster came by too, before he collapsed from the Seventh Doctor's gunshot wound. Martha Jones, Liv Chenka, All Seven Romanas, Leela, and a small white box labelled Countryfile.
Saddest of all was the Doctor. She didn't joke throughout the entire service, didn't crack a smile to see any one of her friends, not Ace, Nyssa or River. She remained distinctly not herself, didn't say a thing, didn't drop a tear, and kept a jawline of steel. Somehow though, Roman took it hardest. He kept blubbering, crying constantly throughout about how he should have complimented Danny once or twice, as if they hadn't been the best of friends throughout that bickering.
Gwen, Colchester, Ianto and Orr stood at the Door, and couldn't bear to go in.
The rest of Torchwood were also there, timeline having reverted their deaths, prepared for their own parody spinoff when time called for it.
Cherry stood by the Doctor's side, emotional as well, but determined for this not to lean into Melodrama. The Monk arrived in his bishop wear, and led a dignified hymm, strangely, and he didn't even take any of the shiny spoons. They all filed out, slowly, and one by one, they all left. Except for the Doctor, Roman, and Cherry.
Lastly, his mother arrived. "Is this my dear Sammy?" She asked, laying her hand on the coffin, and the Doctor nodded. She cried and cried, wishing she had recognized him that day.
He had finally had one death too many, and he was gone now, and they were all sad.
The Four of them stood in the parlour, looking on at the casket, and time didn't really seem to go by.
The Doctor led Danny's mother back to the house, and closed the door, and the Doctor, Roman and Cherry, all filed into the blue box, and flew away, and even the TARDIS was a sadder blue than usual.

The End


This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Danny Devito as Sammy Winters

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Sandra Oh as The Doctor

Patrick Stewart as Roman

Ian McKellen as Roman

Scarlett Johannsson as Cherry Classified

Tom Baker as Roman

Sean Connery as Roman

Scott Bakula as The Archetrix

Scarlett Johannsson as Cherry Classified
Eve Myles as Gwen Cooper
Paul Clayton as Mr. Colchester
Sam Beart and Idris Elba as Orr
Mandip Gill as Yasmin Khan
Indira Varma as Suzie Costello
Tracy Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman
Gareth David Lloyd as Ianto
Jemma Redgrave as Kate Stewart
Ingrid Oliver as Osgood
Countryfile
Nicola Walker as Liv Chenka
Lisa Bowerman as Bernice Summerfield
Freema Agyeman as Martha
Sarah Sutton as Nyssa
Sophie Aldred as Ace
Alex Kingston as River
John Pickard as Thomas Brewster
Louise Jameson as Leela