(MAIN RANGE): Dinnertime Part Two

(MAIN RANGE): Dinnertime Part Two

Starring Dame Judi Dench as the Twenty Sixth Doctor and David Tennant as the Tenth

A Continuation of Part One

Previously On Doctor Who...

The Judi Dench Doctor has gone back in time, and accidentally crossed her own timeline in an effort to enjoy the entertainment of watching her Tenth incarnation's admittedly silly demise. The problem is, the more it goes on, the more The Doctor can't look away, and soon, she's been infected by the writing, the copypastas of The End of Time Part One and Two, and she's been dragged off the set by Russell T Davies and men in white coats, foaming at the mouth and screaming about Dinnertime...

Chapter One

The Narrator arose, now truly revealed to be Timothy Dalton, and he began to walk down the set.

"And so it came to pass, that the players took their place, waiting for the final day to come. Joshua Naismith and his wife were readying the resurrection gate, and the Madman sat in his empire of dust and ashes, little knowing of the glory he would achieve. And...is that Judi Dench? Why is Judi Dench foaming at the mouth on our set? is that- what? Why is Danny Devito here in full Penguin costume? What- I- Look, I just came in here, and I-"

"That human Christmas out there. They eat so much. All that roasting meat, cakes and red wine. Hot, fat, blood, food. Pots, plates of meat, and flesh, and grease, and juice, and baking, burnt, sticky hot skin. Hot. It's so hot. Sliced, Sliced, Sliced!" Screamed Judi Dench, as she kicked back the men in lab coats trying to sedate her. 

"Mr. Narrator Rassilon Timothy Dalton Sir!" Danny said, rushing up to him. "You have to help me! That's The Doctor right there, and she's going to die if you don't help!"

"I don't understand, are we in the Studio making The End of Time, or the episode The End of Time?" The Timothy Dalton Rassilon Narrator asked. 

"Both!" Danny screamed. "Come on, you need to help her!"

"I..I don't have many lines until part two!" Rassilon babbled, stepping back.

"Alrighty, do we have Judi Dench off the set! Okay, action!" Yelled Russell T Davies, and The Master was dragged off by Joshua Naismith's soldiers. 

"No! Let him go!" said David Tennant, acting. 

Then the Master was taken up by a helicopter, and the scene was over. 

The Doctor then got up, and shot two of the workers with a taser. "Keep filming! I only have a few minutes of intelligence before I revert back to John Simm, but we need to get out of here!" 

Danny and The Doctor ran off, towards Donna Noble's house. 

At Donna's house, The Tenth Doctor and Wilf departed in the TARDIS to Sylvia's outrage. 

"Doctor, what, what's your plan?" Danny asked, rushing over. 

"Russell T Davies doesn't write Doctor Who. He's a mad inventor, and he films the pocket dimension where Doctor Who is real. He's basically a god in this dimension, he can control reality by editing the episode and he wants the two of us out of the final cut. Which, might cause The End of Time to expand and envelop the rest of The Doctor Whoniverse."

"So what do we do?"

"We stay in the final cut," The Doctor explained. "But we need to avoid the funny bits, the kind of trash parts, or it could take me over fully, or even you could be reduced to a John Simm quoting rubbish bin."

"Oh, okay. We can do that." Danny said.

"I like you. You'd TasTe GreAt." The Doctor sputtered, reverting into quoting John Simm again. 

"Oh..." Danny said. He took off of his Penguin costume's tie and gagged the Doctor. 

He went over to the house and rang the doorbell. 

Chapter Two

"Hi, Noble residence," said Donna, opening the door.

"Hi, I'm famous actor Danny Devito, and this is famous actor gagged Dame Judi Dench. You've won a contest, and now we hide in your basement." 

"Ooh, great!" said Donna, oblivious. "Do I get coupons?" 

"Um, oh yes, you get all the coupons." Danny said, pushing The John Simm-ed out Doctor in. 

"Never. Never. Never. Never. Never dying. Never dying! Never dying!" Screamed The freaked out Doctor. Donna shrugged, guessing this was just some kind of method acting thing and went into the Kitchen, got a bag of chips and sat in front of the telly. 

Danny shoved the Doctor into the basement, gasping for breath. "Okay, so what did the Doctor tell me about this place?" He asked himself. "Hmm..."

The Doctor opened the basement door. "Hi, I'm good now. Where are we?"

"Nice girl named Donna's place. Told her she won a contest and got to have Judi Dench in her basement."

"Donna! Oh! This is going to cause more problems! Donna is my old friend! If she gets shown anything sci-fi-y, she blows up! And us being in her basement is going to put her in harms way!" 

"Well, where should we go?"

The Doctor began screaming again. "THE WHOLE STUPID STINKING HUMAN DISGRACE CAN FALL INTO THE PIT"

Danny shoved her back into the basement. 

Donna came over. "Crackers?" She offered.

Chapter Three

Meanwhile, The Doctor and Wilf dematerialized into Joshua Naismith's mansion.

"We've moved. We've really moved!" Wilf said, happily.
The Doctor brooded. "You should stay here." He said.
"Not bloody likely." Wilf replied.
The Doctor grit his teeth. "And don't swear. Hold on." He disappeared the TARDIS, putting it a second out of sync.

And then, Danny and The Doctor stepped out of it. "How did we get here?" Danny sputtered.

"Evidently we can't hide from the plot like we thought we could." The Doctor replied.

Donna came up from behind them, still eating crackers. "Wow, fancy place." She muttered. 

"DONNA'S HERE. DONNA CAN'T BE HERE." The Doctor said to Danny.

"Oh thanks, Dame Judi, feel so welcome around you," Donna sassed.

Then, from around the corner, they saw David Tennant, Wilf and Dr. Addams, who the Doctor had recently revealed to be a cactus alien.

"Ooh, what's me Granddad doing here?" Donna asked. 

"Oh, we've ruined the whole plot, Danny." The Doctor shrieked to herself. "If Donna's here, then-" She cut off for a moment. "Don't try calling security, or I'll tell them you're wearing a Shimmer. Because I reckon anyone wearing a Shimmer doesn't want the Shimmer to be noticed, or they wouldn't need a Shimmer in the first place. SHIMMER!" 

David Tennant and Wilf looked over to see The Doctor, Donna and Danny standing there in the middle of the mansion, with the Doctor screaming about Shimmers.

"Oh...bollocks." Danny muttered. 

Chapter Four

"Wilf, what is Donna doing here?" The Tenth Doctor growled. "You know that she'll burn if she sees anything relating to aliens."

"Aliens are fake, it's a conspiracy theory perpetuated by the state." Donna said, completely straight laced. 

"Also, she's acting out of character. Wait, no, is that out of character for her, she has had her memory wiped-" The Doctor said absent mindedly. "Oh, no, forget I said that Donna."

"Said wot?" asked Donna, continuing to eat chips. 

"Excuse me, who are you and what are you doing here...Dame Judi Dench and...Danny Devito..."

"I'm Dame Judi Dench and I've gone psychopathic." The Doctor said. 

"You know I don't believe that, Doctor." The Tenth Doctor said.

"Okay, ya got me." The Doctor replied. "I fricked up your timeline, what do we do?" 

"We're the Vinvocci salvage team," perked up Addams, trying to get the plot back on track. "We're trying to salvage the gate."

"No, there's got to be more. Every single warning says the Master's going to do something colossal." The Doctor replied.

"So that thing's like a sickbed, yes?" Wilf asked. 
"More or less."
"Well, pardon me for asking, but why is it so big?" Wilf said, smartly.
"Oh, good question. Why's it so big?" The Tenth Doctor asked. 

Addams replied. "It doesn't just mend one person at a time. That would be ridiculous.It mends whole planets." 

"It does what?" The Tenth Doctor clarified. 

 "It transmits the medical template across the entire population." Addams finished.

"Gobble-de-gook, Gobble-de-gook, wot are you all goin on about?" Donna asked.

The Doctor took out a chloroform rag and knocked out Donna before gently placing her on the floor. 

"WHAT?!?" Wilf and The Tenth Doctor yelled, as The Doctor shrugged. "She needed to be knocked out. Also, you're all going to turn into John Simm in five minutes. With the rate the end of time script is expanding into our dialogue, Danny, it's five minutes until John Simm deletes existence." 

The scene cut to Trinity Wells introducing Obama. 

"Oh no, we're too late-" yelled The Doctor.

"What is it, what is it you've done?" yelled Wilf, confused, and still only able to quote the script. Unfortunately John Simm wasn't next to him, so the line made no sense.

"But it's time for the broadcast. The President's grand initiative. You might want to see this, sir. Proof that the human race can mend it's own problems." Naismith said. 

Trinity Wells continued. "And now, anticipation is rising as we go live to Washington. Here, on Christmas Day, the President has promised an instant and radical solution to the worldwide depression. Barack Obama will lead us all into a new age of prosperity. Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

Actual fucking Barack Obama entered. "Wow, I'm surprised he hasn't shown up before in this series with our usual type of comedy." The Doctor mentioned.

  "Id like to speak briefly about the state of our economy." Barack Obama said, presidentially. 

The Doctor began screaming again. "Homeless, was I? Destitute and dying? Well, look at me now. The human race was always your favourite, Doctor. But now, there is no human race. There is only the Master race. Bwahahahahahaha!" 

Barack Obama turned into John Simm. "Financial Solution, sorry, no... Universe- deleted." 

And then everything merged into the End of Time script and everything died. 

To Be Continued...

*Record Scratch* "No! I did a record scratch! The episode doesn't end if there's a record scratch!" The Tenth Doctor said. "We are not going to waste another entire episode on this plot! We're solving this! Now!" 

But Judi Dench was now the Master, and so was everyone but asleep Donna, Wilf and Danny, and they stood there laughing. 

"I'm this show's fucking brand name, the show isn't going to end like this!" The Tenth Doctor yelled. "You'd lose millions of viewers!!"

 The various Master's started laughing. "Are you talking to me, or are you talking to me? Breaking News! I'm everyone! Everyone is me!"

"Russell, get in here and fix the bloody episode!" David Tennant growled, but as Russell T Davies walked in, he was now also John Simm. 

"Oh, come on!" David Tennant yelled. "Narrator guy! Fix this!"

But sadly, Timothy Dalton was now, unlike the episode, now also John Simm, as he was the actor, and not the alien Rassilon that couldn't be transformed. 

They all laughed. 

Danny yelled. "The only way to fix it is to play the script out, but we only have a few minutes of the universe left! Doctor, you need to die!" 

The Tenth Doctor yelled. "But I don't want to go!"

Danny rapped on the ground four times and shoved him into a radiation chamber. 

Epilogue: 

And then the Narrator switched back to normal.

 "And so, the final day, and the dredgery of having to write a part three to this story, adapting Part Two of the End of Time, was averted. The End of Time did not consume everything in the universe, and even if it did, with Danny's quick thinking, the Doctor died, and he did so without a 9000 minute Farewell Tour, the kind of thing even Peter Capaldi didn't deserve. And what of Dame Judi Dench and Danny Devito? Their conditions of John Simm-itis were erased, and Wilf and Donna returned to their household, although Donna with a massive case of what she thought was a hangover. As for the time lords? Their final sanction never came to pass. Such is the tale of the End of Time. And the tale of another time, also... the tale of- the old PRIME MINISTER i can't hide anywhere he can see me he can smell me can't let him smell me doctor docto r got to stop the smell the stink the filthy filthy stink ginger come with me right now because it's FUNNY don't you see look at me i'm SPLITTING MY SIDES i am HILARIOUS i am the funniest thing in the whole wide WORL D
"A a. sARAH GOD HELP US THERE'S THIS MAN"

" DINNERTIME"

The Narrator fell over dead, and The End of Time laughed maniacally in the background, before stepping in. 

"Hi, I'm the Anthropomorphic Manifestation of The End of Time! Oh, boy. You thought this was over? No, I live on. And in...10 years from the broadcasting of this episode, I shall return, in an EVEN MORE divisive form...I shall soon write... The Timeless Children under a pen name! Ah, but what shall it be?!"

The End of Time then walked in with a slitheen, who skinned Chris Chibnall alive and handed The End of Time the skin suit. 

The End of Time then walked in to the BBC writer's head offices.

"Hi, I have a story pitch..."

The End 

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

David Tennant as The Doctor

John Simm as The Master

Catherine Tate as Donna Noble

Bernard Cribbins as Wilfred Mott

Timothy Dalton as The Narrator

John Simm as Russell T Davies

The End of Time, anthropomorphized as Itself

David Harewood as Joshua Naismith

Chris Chibnall as The End of Time's new Body

Actual Fucking Barack Obama

Lachele Carl as Trinity Wells

Sinead Keenan as Addams

Lawry Lewin as Rossitor

Jacqueline King as Sylvia Noble