(MAIN RANGE): A Private Little War
Chapter One
The TARDIS dematerialized into the old west.
"GRANDFFFFFFFFAAAAATHHHHHHHHHERRRR" said Susan, "It's the old west! With saddles and cowboys and all of that kind of lovely stuff we learned about in school!"
"Quite right, my child." The Doctor said, stepping out alongside her with Barbara and Ian.
Barbara activated history teacher mode. "Susan, the wild west is often overglamorized in films you see. The real wild west was a difficult to survive in place, comprised of many villages that were often promptly abandoned. Actual shoot-outs and the kind were rare, although crime was rampant, it tended to be only outside of these villages. Most of these towns are well maintained, and quite lawful, if I must say too. And their primary source of income were the gold mines, and ...achem...brothels."
"Ooh, goodie!" said Susan, not knowing what a brothel was.
"As a matter of fact, the first women owners of property were out here. First they could only own those kinds of establishments, but soon they became important pillars of feminism, and even then, in some states, had the right to vote!"
"But why, Barbara, does everyone look like Grandfather?" Susan asked.
A crowd of William Hartnells, Richard Hurndalls, Peter Cushings and David Bradleys swarmed out of all of the buildings, all shouting "HMM" at various volumes and intervals.
"Hmm..." The Doctor said. "It does appear, cheesserton, to be a sort of town inhabited by various versions of me...oh dear, this will simply not do, simply not do!"
"Whatever are we to do here?" Ian asked.
"HMM, MY BOY!" One of the various First Doctors said, walking up to Ian. "HMM, MY DEAR CHESTERTON, HMM, MY DEAR, I DO SEEM TO BE ABOUT TO FUCKING STAB YOU, HMM!!"
This strange Hartnellian duplicate held a knife to Ian's throat. "HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM"
"Oh my god" said Ian, as William Hartnell continued to mock him. "HMMM MY BOY I'LL TEAR OFF YOUR FUCKING SKIN HMMMMMMMMMM"
"Susan, Run!" said Barbara, as the two of them rushed off into another direction.
The Doctor held his ground and conked this duplicate over the head with a cane. "Chessstertoon." The Doctor said. "We must find the source of these foul off brand imitations, Chettertin. Whatever this town is, it is not the safe haven we intended!"
"I agree," said Ian.
Suddenly a shot rang out.
"HMM, MY CHILD, WE ARE GOING TO COMMIT HATE CRIMES" screamed The Doctor in the distance.
"This is going to be one of those adventures, isn't it, Doctor?"
"My boy, I'm sure I don't know what you mean."
Chapter Two
Barbara and Susan made their way across town and into a saloon. Various First Doctors paraded the place, all talking to their versions of Barbara, Susan and Ian, who simply didn't exist. They seemed to be somewhat schizophrenic.
"Where can we hide?" Susan whispered.
"I don't know!" said Barbara. "We could try upstairs, although I don't fancy going into any of these bedrooms. Who knows what sociopathic versions of the Doctor could be hiding within?"
"Oh, this is all so very ridiculous." Susan said.
Barbara nodded.
They crept alongside the tables, and attempted to make their way upstairs.
Suddenly a man stopped them. He spat in the cup that makes noise in the western movies, I don't know what it's called. "Oi, varmint. What are yeh doin around these parts?" It was still the Doctor, but this version of him was wearing a cowboy hat and had a belt with two holstered pistols. He had spurs on his boots.
"Oh, well, we're trying to-"
"I'm the sheriff around these here parts, and I say ye've commited a serious crime!"
"What's that?"
"Well, not being William Hartnell, Richard Hurndall, Peter Cushing or David Bradley."
"I don't- know what those names are." Susan said, confused.
"Nor do I." agreed Barbara. "Why are you so western, you're not like the others. The others don't have your hat and holsters and boots, and certainly aren't american like you are."
"I'm mid conversion, don't shame me. Oi, men! Lock these two chicks up in the prison!"
Various Richard Hurndalls and Peter Cushings walked forward.
Meanwhile, The Doctor and Ian tried to escape the villainous First Doctors flooding the streets, and soon, they came across a room.
Before them, hundreds of people were being funelled into some kind of chamber by Armed First Doctors. These people weren't the First Doctor, but they soon stepped out of the chamber, and they came out of the chamber various First Doctors, screaming "HMMMMMMMMM" as if they wanted to scream but couldn't say anything else.
One of the David Bradley's, in a military uniform, pointed at a chalkboard with a pointer. "The Enemy are here, in the town to the west. Sarge, I want you to take thirteen of your best men, and try and make an assault on their conversion unit. We need to stop them from-"
"Whatever are they talking about?" Ian whispered.
"I don't know, Chlitterertwin." The Doctor said. "But whatever it is, I don't like it."
Meanwhile, Barbara and Susan were being escorted to the conversion cells, before men in the first doctor's cloaks came up to the other First Doctors, and knocked them out.
"What the-" Susan said.
The men in the cloaks gestured, and soon, Barbara and Susan followed. They got into a carriage, and eventually arrived in a town rather close by.
There, the men in cloaks took off their hoods, and various versions of Christopher Ecclestons, Rowan Atkinsons, Richard E Grants, Nicholas Briggs' and John Hurts all chanted "FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC, FANTASTIC" in terrible northern accents.
Chapter Three
The Doctor and Ian moved behind the boxes, and observed the various First Doctors handing out firearms to eachother. "Checkerlin." The Doctor said. "Whatever these duplicates are doing, we can stop it by disabling their conversion machine. We shan't allow any more of these foul imitations to be created, hmm?"
Suddenly a barrage of Ninth Doctors broke into the room, firing their guns and screaming "FANTASTIC" and soon the "FANTASTIC"'s and the "HMM"'s overlapped into a horrifying chorus.
"You know," The Doctor said, looking at Eccleston. "I haven't the faintest idea whoever that fellow is."
One of them creeped over the Doctor's shoulder. "ELLO" Nick Briggs said "I'M THE DOCTOR! NOW WHAT'S GOIN ON AROUND ERE?!?!?!?!?"
"Oh dear god, kill it with fire" screamed The Doctor, as Ian quickly took out a gun from a nearby box and gunned down the abomination.
"Whatever these horrid beings are, Doctor, they can't be you!" Ian said.
"No, no, I quite agree, my young man. I would never, achem, have such conspicuous ears." The Doctor said, unaware of the horrific irony.
The Doctor and Ian moved around the corner and helped the Eccleston's smash the conversion chamber with all their might.
Meanwhile, Barbara and Susan were led by the Ninth Doctors to a dark room.
"If these people are fighting against our Doctor, who is, well, sociopathic here, perhaps they're good." Barbara said, before Richard E. Grant jumped her and tried to shove her into a conversion machine.
The Black Guardian dematerialized out of the sky and swore loudly. "Ugh! What are you doing here?!" He yelled.
"I'm sorry, who are you?" Barbara asked.
"That isn't important. I set up this war game for myself and the white guardian. It's our kind of thing we do now, Chess is so cliche as a metaphor for the balance of the universe. I'm playing the Hartnells and the White Guardian is playing the Ecclestons, but! Somehow you showed up into our game, with your imputent malfunctioning TARDIS. And I cannot even kill you without disrupting the timeline...You showed up too early!" The Black Guardian complained. "You and your Doctor have disrupted the balance of our game, and now one side is unfairly balanced!"
"Well, it's just a game, isn't it?" Susan asked.
"No, it's not just a game, you blithering milk-livered bastard. It's a metaphor for the successful existence of the universe, and it's balance between order and chaos, and your Grandfather just fucked it all up."
Chapter Four
The flow of First Doctors gradually seemed to cease as hundreds of Ninth Doctors flowed in, attacking without mercy.
"My dear boy, we seem to have stemied the flow of our ludicrous duplicates." The Doctor said, pleased with himself.
"I can't help but feel somethings wrong, Doctor. These other guys are so vicious.
The cacophony of "FANTASTIC" resounded throughout the battlefield.
"Grandfather!"
"Oh my, Chlettermin! I'm recieving a telepathic message from Susan!" The Doctor exclaimed.
"Grandfather, you must stop these 'Ninth Doctors' from taking over the battlefield, or this god person will take over the universe, and make it boring and terrible! Equally, you cannot let the other yous from winning, or the universe will be plunged into violent chaos!"
"Susan, my dear!" The Doctor called. "You must destroy the Ninth Doctor conversion!"
"Oh, Oh! Grandfather, I'll Try!" Responded Susan, and the psychic link closed.
"Come, Cwattertwon." The Doctor said to Ian. "We must rescue Barbara and Susan!" They rushed out into the battlefield.
Soon, The Doctor arrived to a crowd of Rowan Atkinsons kicking a single Peter Cushing repeatedly as he cowered on the ground.
"Not very fair, is it?" Remarked Ian.
"These are just game avatars, not real people, Chebberton." The Doctor aid. "I see no reason not to fucking kill them."
The Doctor and Ian proceeded to move in, dramatically shooting all of the Ninth Doctors, in an awesome action sequence that words cannot adequately describe. In order to picture it adequately, imagine Cyborg Tyrannosaurs fighting giant laser Gorillas in a fist fight on top of the Empire State building, and then imagine something MORE AWESOME.
Soon, they destroyed the Ninth Doctor conversion thing.
"Susan, Barbara!" said Ian, rushing over.
"Oh thank you, Ian. We had already deactivated the machine though, so you didn't need to blow it up."
"Well, I did blow up all the guards."
"That is true, thank you."
"Ah, balance has been restored. The versions of me and these floppy eared monstrocities will certainly be fighting eachother until universe's end, in their own private war for the destiny of the stars. Come along, my child, Barbara, Klittershon. I have had it up to here with this fucking place." The Doctor said. "I don't want to hear the word Hmm again for a month." he lied.
"But you're the one who says it," remarked Ian, before the Doctor interrupted him, leading him into the TARDIS.
"I don't need your fucking cheek, Quitterton. I'll say what I damn well please," The Doctor said, pushing Ian into the TARDIS, as Barbara and Ian followed. And with the Doctor making a "hmph" that sounded an awful lot like a "Hmm," the TARDIS dematerialized into deep space, leaving nothing behind but A single fistfighting Nick Briggs and a David Bradley, wrestling in the dirt for all eternity as a metaphor for the struggle of good and evil in the universe.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
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