(MAIN RANGE): Doctor Who and The Teletubbies
(MAIN RANGE): Doctor Who And The Teletubbies
Starring Peter Capaldi as The Twelfth Doctor with Jenna Coleman as Clara
Featuring John Simm as The Master
Chapter One
In a field of verdant green, peppered with flowers, lilies and daffodils of every sort, where there was once nothing but grass, there was now a blue box. At first, you could only see the lamp at it's top, but as soon as it appeared, it was definitively a blue box.
Not like the real police boxes, no. It was unrealistically well taken care of. Nice and tidy, well painted, it looked like it just came out of the factory. Also, it was the wrong size for a police box.
But you knew that.
The Doors opened, and The Doctor and Clara stepped out into the field, Clara grinning widely.
"Huh. Doctor, you ever arrive in a place, and you like, instantly find it familiar?"
"Oh, of course." The Doctor grunted, his grey hair blowing crazily. "But then again, I've been to many Quarries in my life."
"This isn't a quarry." Clara said, self righteously, as if this was a thing that the Doctor in fact, did not know.
"I know, but I've been to lots of quarries." The Doctor said, quietly.
Clara strode forward, curiously. "Very verdant." She said.
"It's a byproduct of a certain kind of biochemical waste being run beneath the hills. Probably toxic to humanoid life." The Doctor said. "Oh! And did I mention that I smell biochemical waste rushing beneath us! Like this whole place, this whole hill, it's a facade! The Grass, everything, it's all fake!"
"Should of ran with that, yeah." Clara said in response. "So, come on then! We need to find an entrance to under the hill."
A faint theme song echoed in the distance.
"Oh, hell." The Doctor growled. "Clara ! Run!!"
They began to run, rushing forward and away from whatever monstrocity was chasing them.
"What is that song? It's so familiar!" Clara said.
"Pray it doesn't get to you. These, Clara, are the most dangerous creatures in the multiverse. I'd prayed I'd never encounter one. They keep Daleks as pets and eat Drashigs alive with their bare hands." The Doctor growled. "The species Televisionus Bionis, better known as the Teletubbies!!!"
"You're kidding me, right?" Clara asked.
The Teletubbies then grabbed them.
Chapter Two
"Unfortunately, Clara, I am not kidding." The Doctor said as the teletubbies began to tie them up. "They're a byproduct, a close relative of the Scorchie family. Not only that, they're telepathic, and ferocious. They eat anything."
"But teletubbies are...a human creation." Clara said, as one of the teletubbies began to tie her up, and prod her with some kind of plastic device that whirred. "I watched them when I grew up, Doctor!"
"Yes, and now we're both going to die to them." The Doctor said. "Isn't that lovably ironic?"
"No, Doctor, explain!" Clara demanded.
"I mean, you've heard of Jar Jar Binks, right?"
"Okay, that's a jump." Clara muttered.
"No, really! Jar Jar Binks was a real alien, a being that was telepathic. He sent an impression through space to George Lucas, who included him in Star Wars, believing he was a figment of his imagination. That's actually canon, by the way! Super Official!" The Doctor clarified. "The Teletubbies work on a similar principle. They sent a telepathic message to our planet, but the person who recieved it, their creator, went mad. He didn't conceive the message as a threat, it broke his mind so completely and utterly! He thought it was a story for children! And so, a species that has conquered planets owned by the Time Lords or the Osirans, was thought to be kids stuff. Now, they lie here. Sitting in the dark, waiting for humanity to truly underestimate them. And then they'll annihilate it. They've done the same thing to thousands of planets!"
"You're telling me THAT I GREW UP, WITH MY FAVORITE STUFFED ANIMAL, A TELETUBBY, AND I HUGGED A FACIMILE OF SPACE HITLER TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT!!!?" Clara yelled.
"Pretty much, yes. Minus the Racism, and with a lot more cannibalism. Eating people alive is their preferred method."
"Not Helping!" Clara yelled.
They were now both tied up, the teletubbies surrounding them, and chanting.
"Dipsy! Tinky! La-La! Po!"
"Oh my god, Doctor." Clara screamed. "IS THAT BLOOD ON A TELETUBBIES MOUTH THERE"
"Yes"
"OH MY GOD"
The teletubbies continued to circle them.
"Well, Clara. It's been nice knowing you. You really were my pal."
"Doctor, you can't be serious! We've gotten out of worse than this!!!"
"No. These things eat the fucking Ravenous, Clara. They punched out Squirrel Girl!" The Doctor yelled. "We are completely and unequivocally doomed!"
Another stake was pinned up next to them, and another man was tied to it. "Hello, Doctor." The Master said, for he was the man tied to it. "I was wondering when I'd see you again."
"Oh, and this day couldn't get any better." The Doctor grumbled.
Chapter Three
A Sun with a babies face on it rose over the hill, as one of the teletubbies began to gnaw on the Master's leg. "That is decidedly disturbing." The Doctor said, looking at the Sun baby.
"Alright, then!" The Master growled. "I fell for it, Doctor. You told me that the broadcasts were a lie, on Earth. That they weren't a childrens program, okay, I get it!"
The Master pouted.
"They'll reach the bone soon, Doctor." He whined. "Please, do you have any ideas?"
"No, absolutely none." The Doctor said. "I thought you were a woman now."
"No, evidently we've met out of order. Luckily, our corresponding brains will recognize this as not supposed to happen, and wipe our memories of it. You know, if we live afterwards." The Master said.
"So, this is the Master guy, huh?" Clara asked.
"Yes," The Doctor said.
"So, are you going to kiss him?"
"What?"
"You kissed Missy. You said before that time lords have a different concept of gender, there shouldn't be an issue." Clara teased.
"Okay, okay, stand down, shipper on deck." The Doctor muttered.
"No, can we?" The Master asked before The Doctor screamed.
"Arrgh! Clara, there's a teletubby on my leg! It hurts!" The Teletubby continued to chew malevolently.
"Don't worry, you'll grow numb to it after a while, I can't even tell anymore." The Master said.
"That's NOT EXACTLY BETTER!"
The Teletubby's stomachs began to play 1984 in synchronization.
"Oh, great, they advocate Orwellian Slave States too, I didn't know that, that's great." The Doctor spat.
"I thought they watched real children on their stomachs." Clara mumbled.
"Well, when they get to 1984's torture scenes, you'll be glad it's not children." The Doctor said, darkly.
"I wonder when they're going to attack me. They're going to town on you two." Clara commented. "And how are we going to get out?"
"I'm working on trying to reach my sonic. The ropes aren't tied that tight, the teletubbies did a slipshod joh. They just hold me in place, mostly. I think if I activate it I can untie you two.
"That's great, Doctor, that's great." The Master said, the teletubbies having eaten his feet. Blood spewed everywhere, but he kept regenerating more blood. It was cartoonish, like the Black Knight from Monty Python. "I mean, television in stomachs. Evolution is a cruel mistress."
"You didn't think that during the year that never was, if I recall. You watched them every week!"
The Doctor had slipped out his sonic screwdriver. "oh wait. I can't unlock ropes." He muttered.
The Master slipped out his laser screwdriver, and passed it to him. "One wonders why you don't upgrade."
"I can't stand the monthly bills." The Doctor joked, lasering the ropes on their stakes to the ground.
"Teletubbies, step back!" He yelled.
Both of them except Clara were heavily wounded and had a hard time pushing the teletubbies back.
"Oh, Doctor, give me that!" Clara said, taking the Laser screwdriver and shooting a teletubby.
"Wow, Doctor, where do you get them?" The Master laughed.
"Mostly 21st Century London." The Doctor joked. "
The Teletubbies theme song played louder, distorted like it was spoken like demons and the Teletubbies eyes glowed red.
"I swear, it's every week with you two." Clara muttered.
Chapter Four
"Clara, is there anything you can remember about the Teletubbies that might prove useful. Like, distinctly, any weaknesses!"
"IT'S RATED G!" Clara screamed. She aimed the Laser Screwdriver and fired again, but the lasers bounced off them.
"They're like the Borg, they adapt!" The Master said.
"Please don't tell me the Borg are real." Clara commented.
"Clara! This whole place is a facade, plastic grass above toxic waste. Fire at the ground beneath the teletubbies. Let's hope the waste is toxic to them, too." The Doctor said, and Clara aimed the screwdriver.
She fired several times, and several teletubbies fell into the acid. They weren't harmed by the acid it seems, but they couldn't find a way to climb up from the pit Clara had made so they sat there.
The other Teletubbies continued to move forward, and Clara couldn't fire at the ground anymore or they'd collapse into the pit too.
"This is exceedingly difficult!" Clara exclaimed.
"Doctor, try and use your sonic screwdriver to change the channel on the teletubbies. Maybe we can calm them down!" The Master suggested.
The Doctor changed the channel.
Suddenly it was Gene Wilder's There's No Knowing Where We're Going Tunnel Scene from Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory.
"THIS IS SO MUCH WORSE!" Clara screamed, and then the Teletubbies were upon them.
To the side, a small window in space and time appeared, and the real Doctor and Clara appeared.
"You see, Clara, this is what an alternate timeline where we actually met the teletubbies looks like. If we ever met the teletubbies, Clara, we would instantly die, so of course, in our universe, we avoid them at all costs."
"Oh, wow, Doctor." Clara said. "I was really rooting for us to get away though."
"That's the point, Clara. There's no fucking way to survive if you fight the teletubbies. They are literally eating alternate you alive right now, Clara. So no, I cannot take you to teletubby land like you asked. I can only give you exceedingly traumatic memories of why we cannot go."
They looked away from the screen in the TARDIS where they were watching the events of the teletubbies beginning to eat them.
"Well, Doctor, this is nice and cheery." Clara commented. "I was kind of hoping for a relaxing day, but now I just witnessed myself being disembowled by a teletubby."
"Oh, this is nothing Clara. I haven't even showed you the stuff they do on Sesame Street..."
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Jenna Coleman as Clara Oswald
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