NCBBDAS: Honk Honk The Series Is Over
NCBBDAS: Honk Honk The Series Is Over
Trauma Conga 2.1
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Judi Dench! Ted Danson, Stevie Nicks and Ming Na Wen
Crossover With NCJDDAS Season Six
Note: The 300th post on my blog! Wowee!
Previously On Doctor Who
Holy shit I cannot begin to summarize, but if you don't remember much from this sort of shortlived series, this is now a soft reboot so you're fine. On the other hand, you might wanna be up with what the Dench Doctor is doing.
Chapter One
"Golly, that was a long cliffhanger," said The Doctor to the audience. "Oh, hi. Yeah. It's me. The Judi Dench Doctor. Yeah, um, I've decided to cancel the NCBBDAS. Possibly the Brenda Blethyn Doctor. No hard feelings."
She winked.
"Actually, all the hard feelings."
She snapped her fingers.
"Henceforth, your series is cancelled. Your planned plotlines - trashed! Your future character development, burned to a crisp! Now hold on, let me kill the Main Range too." She laughed, and with it, millions of hopes died. "Ha-ha, it's all about me!"
* * *
"Woah." Said The Other Doctor. You know. The One This Series Is Supposed To Be About. "What's going on?"
The Fourteen, still trying to pretend to be Millie with a weird psychic device that made the Doctor think that she was Millie except for the fact her name was The Fourteen (forget it, it was an insane plot) shook violently. "I'm sorry, what's going on?" She said, looking at the sky. "Trauma Conga was my boxset series! There was this huge ominous three set arc I had going! What's going on!"
"I'm sorry, Fourteen," said Calvin, still thinking she was Millie except for the fact that her name was the Fourteen (golly that sure was stupid) "But I'm pretty sure the season arc was about this evil corporation we were fighting!"
"Oh, you blithering nitwit-" The Fourteen snapped (proving that her cover was useless and she would never have been able to keep it up) but the Doctor interrupted her, calling out in pain.
"AAAAaAAaAAAAaAAaaaaaAaAAA" yelled The Doctor, followed by, "ooh, me knickers."
She hunched over in agony.
The Doctor (Dame Judi) descended from the sky on a golden throne carried by doves. "Oh wow you sure do be seeming to be dying haha"
Calvin walked over. "Oh hello miss! Could you help with the Doctor, she seems to be hunching over and screaming in agony." He leaned in and followed it up with a whisper. "I think it might be her knickers."
The Doctor (Dench) rolled her eyes. "Oh, I'm sure she'll be fine, she's just being erased from existence. Honestly it's no big deal."
"Who are you?" The Fourteen demanded, strolling over. "This is my villain arc!"
"I'm the Doctor, sweetheart. I eat villain arcs for breakfast. Even on other shows."
Calvin made a face. "Okay, why are you evil?" He said, cool-headed.
The Doctor made the same perturbed face in response. "I'm not evil, I'm funny."
"Okay, why are you levitating on a throne of doves? Do you have superpowers?"
"Yes. Honestly, it was really easy to get them, I just had to forget all my moral scruples. Watch this." she said, and it began raining living mice made out of spaghetti.
The (Blethyn) Doctor pulled herself to her feet. "Oi, missy. I ain't done for yet. What exactly are you tryin to pull here?"
"Erasing your show. It was bugging me."
"Well, love, let me tell you that I'm not going without a fight. Come on." She said, turning and walking out the door.
The (Dench) Doctor flipped her hand flippantly. "Whateverrrr. You only have a few pages left anyway. Wrap up your plot threads. My series-ender series thing-y shall wipe you out in, ooh, a tiny teensy undisclosed period of time!"
"Fourteen, Calvin, run!" The Doctor yelled as the Dench Doctor disappeared so the series would have to stop using parenthesis to denote them.
And they ran.
Chapter Two
"Doctor, I don't get what you're trying to do." The Fourteen said. "You can't really stop a series' cancellation."
"Naw, sure you can." The Doctor said. "She isn't the network. What we gotta do is make our plight so impossibly interesting that we couldn't ever conclude it here."
"Yeah, but that's the thing. Our series has always been much more grounded than hers." Calvin said. "This might be like, say, one of the first times the fourth wall has been broken!"
"So we go off the deep-end in crazy." The Doctor responded. "Fourteen, love, I know you're a villain now, can you go get Millie? We're going to need her."
"ugh, fine. but I'm only doing this because it's my series too-" The Fourteen growled, rushing off.
"How can we even remember Millie? Fourteen wiped us!" Calvin said.
"Reality - Continuity - is coming apart at the seams, Calvin! Consistency, dear, is something that the NCJDDAS never cared about, and that's how it got popular. Time to do the exact same thing."
Millie and the Fourteen walked back into the room.
"Alright, team." The Doctor said. "Let's make this show interesting."
* * *
Team TARDIS strolled down the hallway of Evil Incorporated. "So." Millie said. "How exactly do we make this show interesting?"
"I think, the best way to make a show interesting is quality character writing." The Doctor said.
They paused a moment to think about this.
"Like that's gonna happen." Calvin replied.
"Agreed." The Fourteen seconded.
"Alright, in that case, we're gonna need some interesting plotlines. Possibly ones that would reoccur, as to keep the audience interested, and make the series more difficult to just straight up cancel. We have a main antagonist, me, and a main protagonist, also me." The Doctor sighed. "Ooh, I don't like this. I can't think! Okay, focus. Sorry, I don't like feeling like my life is out of my control, I had thought that I understood old me!"
"Focus," said Calvin, ever cool under pressure.
"Wait, how can old you just straight up cancel us? Even with powers over reality, that lends to a power over the fourth wall itself," said Millie, ever the smart one.
"The fuck does that mean," said The Fourteen, ever the pissed off.
"And another question," Millie said, moving on. "How do I understand the fact that this prior Doctor is actually you and all of this alternate timeline stuff instinctually, because you never explained that."
"Residual impact from encounters I've had with Amelia Earhart from other dimensions, possibly, although I don't like that explanation..." The Doctor replied. "And let's get a shift on, because bickering is not a plot thread that would save a TV show."
"What about death of the lead character," The Fourteen suggested, sarcastic monotone.
They glared at her.
"What? I'm trying to be funny." The Fourteen sighed. "...This is my second real episode, cut me a break!"
* * *
Running through corridors. They did a lot of that in this job, Millie thought, rollicking down a hallway with The Doctor, Calvin and Fourteen. Cliffhangers often could save a show, make people mad enough as to gain attention, but then there was the possibility that a cliffhanger would just be ignored. She thought through TV shows she had seen in her life, and then remembered that that was 0 because she was fucking Amelia Earhart holy shit
"My head hurts," Millie moaned. "I feel, like, weird. filled with knowledge... I don't...sorry, didn't know, it's not possible..."
"The world hasn't been blurred like this before, Millie." The Doctor said, "I think we've passed beyond jokey fourth wall breaks."
"It's funny, I don't feel weird." Calvin said. "Am I the only one here that doesn't feel weird? That's...weird."
"Woah, everything is text," said Millie... "We're on a blogger page...we aren't canon..." Millie fainted.
"Oh, this is wild." The Fourteen commented.
Chapter Three
"Woah, bold text, it is chapter three now," Millie murmured in her collapsed stupor...
"This feels absolutely insane." Calvin said. "I find this to be genuinely absurdist."
"Your dialogue is absurdist." The Fourteen replied.
"And yours is overtly argumentative." Calvin snapped back. "Come on. We have moments. We have one ...piece of time...to save...life...or something from total erasure."
"You mean series cancellation." The Doctor muttered.
"No, I do not. I still do not understand what that is." Calvin replied.
"Oh, Calvin, I could kiss you!" The Doctor explained.
"Do not." Calvin said bluntly in reply, but the Doctor kept talking.
"No," she said, "Calvin, you don't get it because you're the most grounded character here. In both mind and in development. Not only are you exceptional in a crisis, but you have had a consistent character. The Fourteen has only just been introduced, Millie is a normal character with an Amelia Earhart skin, and I'm The Doctor, I don't count! You're the most original thing we have at the moment." She grinned.
"Calvin is the key to all of this. We need to ground our characters." The Doctor proclaimed. "And then we can move forward with stopping the other me. She wanted us to fall apart like this, out of continuity, and more into her view of the world so she could erase us - but you Calvin, you're bringing us back."
The Doctor turned and grabbed the Fourteen's forehead. "Development." She said. "Why don't you have your thirteen voices in your head? Isn't that your thing, your purpose?"
"Yes..." The Fourteen said, trailing off.
"And how does that make you feel?" The Doctor hissed, glaring into the Fourteen's eyes.
"Alone. Angry at the world, unsure of who I am without them. There are times where I stop thinking, waiting for one of those voices to chime in, but they never come, and I don't know why. How can I be the Fourteen without the other voices to guide me? They're who I am- or used to be..."
"Development!" The Doctor cheered, interrupting the Fourteen's existential crisis. "Explanation of character. The kind of thing that makes this whole thing keep going. You, Fourteen, are an argumentative little shit because you're acting out because you don't know who you are and are figuring yourself out without the others, who used to be who you were on the whole! CHARACTER!"
Calvin nodded. "Still no clue what you're on about."
"I don't know anymore either." The Fourteen muttered. "I was starting to, but..."
"That's good!" The Doctor exclaimed in reply. "That means you're more grounded as a character, I mean, person. Do not attempt to understand me at the moment, I'm essentially thinking out loud!"
The Doctor turned to Calvin. "Don't know what I can do to make you more grounded at the moment...um, tell me something deep!"
"Craisins." Calvin attempted. "Cranberry Raisins. Cranberries dried like Raisins. Whatever. I used to buy them at the store, boxes and boxes, buy out all of the ones they had because my sister always said they reminded her of me, all dried out and crusty, but still, you know, fruit. I don't know why I'm fruit, but ever since my sister died, I really like them, and I'm almost starting to see it. I'm old, and they're wrinkly. They make me sad in a good way."
"Okay, um, craisins?" The Doctor didn't know how to respond. "Craisin development!"
The Doctor moved back. "Millie. How do I get through to her..."
"She may be too far gone." Calvin stated, trying to remain calm and objective, but failing. The end of the statement was a crack.
Around them, they began to see the walls, everything around them, begin to fade to nothing.
"It's getting closer," The Doctor hissed. "Bloody fucking hell."
The walls, and doors were now flaking away into a void of pale glowing white light. Light out of an internet screen.
Even the text began to f
n o
"No!" The Doctor forced out. "It's not over. Won't let it." She shook Millie's body.
"Oh, bleeding Nora, I saw something in you, Millie. I've met loads of people like you, but I saw something special there, and I...I just couldn't say no to that enthusiasm, that brilliance. I see it all too often in people, and I get taken in. If I've doomed you, made you more cliche because of that, I'm sorry."
"Stop! I'm not done. I'm not over. I'm gonna say my bit, I deserve that." She paused. "Oh, old me. I always liked you. I did. Even though it was me who was the responsible one, that's who this version of me is, I always missed that manic spark that I could have being you, that fire, that could just burn down absolutely anything. Well, I got news for you, love, you ain't burnin me. I had respect for you, and I thought you could move on, because well, I am the result of that. You hate me because I'm the living proof you move forwards, ain't that right?"
"Not Done! Stop it! Stop it! Well I'm gonna stop you, me. I gotta. That respect, that urge to be responsible, I know it's in there. Otherwise you wouldn't have come here. If you really wanted to kill me, to erase my life to the ground, you wouldn't have come and legitimized it, given it a chance. My world was dying slowly anyway. On a cliffhanger. You could have just left me well enough alone, but love, I know you're a good gal despite the occasional funny little genocide. So let's let this be. Leave me and my friends alone, leave my world alone, because I never did anything to you that you didn't want to happen yourself, later. Do you hear me? I don't want to fight."
"But I will fight if I hafta, love. I will fight for my friends, I will fight for my life, and I will fight you, because I know that you can be better. I will help you."
"I promise that I will help you."
"Oh, love. You're bein a right old piss head. You want war? I'll give you war. And you know what war means?"
"War means one thing that will always save a show, dear. Ratings."
* * *
The (Dench) Doctor scowled as the world faded into white, but text appeared on the screen.
TO BE CONTINUED...
More Coming Soon.
She scowled more. She scowled a lot. She Scowled a scowly face like no one had ever scowled before. (Except that one time she hit Roman in the face with a pie for April Fool's Day.) She had many reasons to scowl, least of all that the story's carefully chosen title was now completely inaccurate. That this would probably take quite a bit more effort to resolve.
She took a carrot out of her pocket and began to munch on it.
"You're right, Doctor." She said. "But Of course you know, this means war."
To Be Continued...
Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor
Stevie Nicks as Amelia 'Millie' Earhart
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