(PARODY AMONG US): 7.11 Cabbie

Torchwood Parody Among Us

7.11 Cabbie

Starring Rebecca Root, Tracy Ann Oberman, Paul Clayton, D'Arcy Carden, Ian Alexander

* * *

Ursula was standing in the rain. Oh, she was used to that bit, standing in the rain and all that. It was Cardiff. That was what people did- and she was used to it.

You can't take an Umbrella to Cardiff. It blows out exceedingly quickly and then you have a stick with an inverted flag on it. As such, many people in Cardiff simply find a place with a slight overhang to stand under. 

And if you can't do that, you stand in the rain. 

As Ursula stood there, she saw the lights of the city, the houses and the cars, all light faded and dappled with raindrops. 

She would have stuck her thumb out, but standing on the pavement, still as a statue, drenched as she was, made a decisive sign to those driving the cabs, so she tried to bunch her arms underneath her coat - which incidentally wasn't build for rain. 

A cab pulled over, and Ursula stepped in.

"Where d'you want t'go, miss?" 

"As far as you can take me." Ursula said. "I have to get out of Cardiff."

And so the Cab drove her out into the rain. 

Tania sat in her flat, reading. She liked reading. Tania liked the simple things like that, she tried not to make her life more complicated than it needed be. The aliens were usually enough in that area.

The flat was a recent purchase, she had wanted to be here for the Torchwood team - but that never worked out, and now she was wishing that she was anywhere but Cardiff. She had only intended to come over for a few days. It had been a few months. Ever since the Doctor, time had gotten away from her like that. She wanted to go. She didn't have anything here, not like she did back home in London. 

Oh, but feel undesired as she might, she couldn't leave Andy. Andy didn't deserve that. The others, the others she could say goodbye to - but Andy... Andy was team TARDIS. He didn't deserve that. 

Tania walked to the door, and picked up the day's Newspaper, and walked back in.

She took it out of it's plastic wrap and unfolded it out. 

* * *

Yvonne Hartman was tired. Yvonne Hartman was irritable. Yvonne Hartman was working in a fast food place. “Would you like extra chips with that,” she said, halfway through her teeth, trying to smile. 

Yvonne Hartman was a people person. She liked people. She got along with people. 

According to her definition of people, she had not met a single one all day. Whining, crying, begging to speak to the manager, commands, demands, things in her hair. Her usually beautiful, immaculate hair. 

Well. It was enough to make a girl mad. Possibly livid. 

“Yvonne? Is that you?” Stacy Richardson asked, as she walked in. 

Yvonne silently begged for any merciful gods to end this agony with a sudden burst of lightning from the heavens, but no such reward came.

“...You’re working in a fast food place?”

“I’m networking,” Yvonne insisted. 

“Well. I, well, I wasn’t expecting to see you, after you left. I...guess I figured you had your connections.”

"I'm living with Andy. I'm fine. Really." Yvonne lied. 

“Mm, yeah, I suppose.” Stacy said, awkwardly. “Sorry, um, can I get a burger? Maybe we could talk?” 

Yvonne clicked at the register. “I didn’t think you were a fast food kind of person,” She said sarcastically. 

Unaware, Stacy responded. “Oh yeah. Love Fast Food. It’s one of those few things that’s the same everywhere. Could I have some fries?”

“You mean chips?”

“Okay, so, not exactly the same.” Stacy paused. “Oh yeah, what do you have for soft-drinks?”

As Stacy perused the menu, there were a few blissful moments of silence. She then picked one, and Yvonne rung it up.

“Still. Look, Yvonne, I know that you were never a fan of me or anything, but, like, if you need help, or a tiny favor or anything, you didn’t really leave in disgrace. You left in semi-disgrace. So if you really need help someday, like, really, really need it, I’m here.” 

Yvonne nodded, respectably, like her mother had taught her to. Stacy picked up her food and walked to the door, which tiny bell rang as it swung open and shut.

Hm. Yvonne thought to herself. She may not like Stacy...but she did love a favor.

She filed it in her brain with the dwindling list of ones she had left, and she began to try and smile again for the next customer.

This really was not a good day.

* * *

Three disappearances in two weeks. Large enough to be frightening, small enough to be inconsequential - well, as far as the city was concerned. It didn't even make the fourth page until it was mentioned. Tania was used to that. The Cardiff News outlets all had a huge job in covering things up for Torchwood, ever since Tyler Steele threatened a few office managers. But then again, if this even was being investigated...wouldn't she have heard? 

No. She wouldn't have. Because she had left. 

She hated that. Hated the inaction. 

A knock on her door. 

She walked over, steadily, and opened it up. 

"Tea?" Colchester asked. 

"What?" 

"Tea. I've brought Tea." He said gruffly. "Colin thought I should get out of the house. Unhealthy, he said." 

Tania snorted a bit. Torchwood wasn't a 'healthy' lifestyle. "Come in." She smiled. 

* * * 

"Is all this rest getting to you?" Colchester asked. 

"Maybe." Tania said, clutching her hot teacup close to her chest, warming her fingers. 

"I've been almost appreciating it. I've had a real married life for the first time in a long time, you know. It's blissful."

"Blissful, yeah, that's the word I'd use too. Quiet. Blissful." Tania sipped her tea. "Can't stand it." 

"How is Ms. Chenka?" 

"You know, it's odd." Tania said. "I'm not sure."  

* * *

Tania kept telling herself she wouldn't, but she eventually rang Torchwood.

"Have you heard about the disappearances?" She said instantly - and in response, the phone buzzed: "Your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system. Please stand by."

* * *

That night, the rain fell. 

The lights of the city were dull and streaked as the drizzle came down out of the sky. 

Tania waited. 

She was about to call an Uber when a Taxi rolled up next to her. A Black London Cab. You didn't see them as much in Cardiff, but they weren't an interesting sight really either. She opened the back door. "Take me to the airport." Tania said. 

"Mm, mm, Ms." The Cabbie said from the front seat. "Dun think so. it's closed." 

Tania didn't have the energy to argue. "Could you just drive?"

"It's in me contract, see. I need to have a location." 

"What? Look, just get me out of Cardiff. As far away from here as possible." Tania blurted.

"With pleasure, Miss." The Cabbie said, and Tania saw the corners of his mouth curl with excitement from the back seat. 

A Wicked, Wicked, Grin. 

Something was wrong.

* * *

The Car drove. Time seemed to stand still, but the car drove, and the roads stretched longer and longer, and the Cabbie drove. A Sliver of Vibrant Strings of Color flashed by her, like slow lasers, and they flew by the window in a moment. They were on the edge of Cardiff now, but the roads seemed to stretch on around the sea indefinitely, like some kind of Island causeway. 

There were stars everywhere. 

And of course, none of it looked very much like Cardiff. The sky was far too clear and reflective and the rain had stopped, but everything had a strange purple tint to it...some of it was just wrong. 

"The human brain can only process so many colors. Try and imagine a new one. Rather impossible, innit? Brain just thinks of a variation of some other. 't's why everything looks purple. Too many new colors, new stimuli. Don't think about it too hard, miss." 

"Where are you taking me?"

"Well you said you wanted to leave Cardiff. Get out of here. So I'm taking you to the final stop."

"Where is that?"

The Cabbie smiled his grin, and Tania noticed how rotten his teeth looked. "It's far."

Tania tried saying she wanted to get out of the cab, she wanted to leave, but the words literally would not come out. She said them, but they didn't come. 

This cab certainly was something.

She tried something else. "...Are you alien?"

"Oh, aliens, aliens, aliens. Why you lot are so focused on that term is beyond me. For you all being so self-proclaiming about being accepting and whatnot, it's always the first question." 

"Some aliens want to eat us or kill us."

"Some humans want to eat humans, and some want to kill them, love. It don't mean they're all bad." 

"You still haven't answered my question. Where are you from?"

"I think it has to do with our perception of negativity. I mean, you never hear the good stuff on the news because it doesn't sell. You have to be real selective to notice the good stuff."

"Really."

"Come on, love. You yourself know some things can't be categorized. As if I'd be something as normal as a human or an alien," the Cabbie said. 

She didn't know how to respond to that.

Tania's eyes hurt from the landscape outside the cheap cab windows. 

They drove through the violet dawn.

* * *

"What makes you want to get away so bad?" The Cabbie asked, after a while. 

"What makes you want to have a conversation with someone you -" Tania tried to finish the sentence with the word 'kidnapped' but it wouldn't come out either. 

"Aw, come on. Cabbies are like bartenders. You can talk to em about anything." 

"No, you can't." Tania replied dismissively. 

The Road outside was currently turquoise. It matched the purple sky and the blood red road signs rather well, and by well, I mean horribly. 

"Well, would you be mad if I guessed? How about 'hot or cold?'"

"Fine." 

"You don't like your job."

"Cold."

"You don't like the people at your job."

"Warmer." 

"You don't like your boss."

"Hot."

"And based on that you seem irritated, I don't think it was a good parting ways, right? You've been fired, or leaving because one of your friends left."

"You got it." said Tania, quietly. "You're smart for a creepy Taxi driver."

Tania tried to ask why she wasn't allowed to say certain things, but evidently that was off-limits too. 

"What is the last stop?" Tania forced out. 

"Every Cabbie has a point that's the furthest you can go. Otherwise it's a breach of contract. I could take you further, but the boss wouldn't like that." 

"Ah. How much further is it?" 

"Not far, now." The Cabbie said. "Twenty minutes? I guess. Clocks don't work out here." 

"Why's that? Do they go haywire, like a compass? What about digital clocks?" Tania asked, curious. She tried reaching for her phone, but that was off limits. 

"Time is a societal construct. There's no society out here."

Tania was getting some interesting information out of this guy, but it was only scaring her more and more. "What made you want to pick me up? How do you select who comes out here?"

"I have a soft spot for the lost soul." 

* * *

Tania was sure more than twenty minutes had passed, maybe even hours. There was the possibility that whatever was driving her didn't understand time at all. Time wasn't so much a societal construct as a universal concept.

She didn't like looking out the windows - the bright .... shadows .... if that was the best way to describe it.... it hurt her eyes, but there wasn't much else to do. Luckily her sunglasses were something she was allowed to get. 

She peered out into the darkness, and she saw a face. A screaming face. 

She fell back, shocked. "What was that!?" She yelled, urgently. 

"Her name was Ursula," said The Cabbie, and he drove on. 

* * *

They came to a rickety bridge built over a river. Tania hadn't looked out since she saw the face of that woman in the darkness. 

"Okay, let's play hot and cold with you. Is that fair?" 

"I can't promise much."

"Okay, how about Science?"

"Cold." 

"Magic." She said cheekily. She was surprised to hear the reply of: "Warmer."

"Legend." She tried. 

"Hot."

"Mythology."

"Burning." 

Tania paused. " May I be direct? What do people call you? Besides, Cabbie, I mean?"

The Cabbie paused. "They call me the Ferryman." 

"Ferryman?"

"It was my old title." 

"But your name?"

"Charon." 

The rickety bridge creaked over the river Styx, and rolled to a stop.

* * *

Tania stood by the river, the man standing next to her. It was now a glowing green - not a sickly one, as it is so often depicted, but the greenest green Tania had ever seen before. Providing it actually was green and not something else her eyes could not adjust to.

Tania missed Liv. This was so much more up her alley. But it was strange, the sense of Limbo she felt regarding her. She hadn't left her side - but she had. She couldn't remember what happened to her. 

Oh, Liv. 

"Those who we have loved and lost are not gone to us." Charon said, as if in response to her thoughts. 

"Liv is not dead. This is the domain of the dead." Tania said. 

"Not all." Charon replied. "There are many avenues of possibility here. You can die, and remain. Or you can go on." 

"Are you really what you say you are? The Ancient Greek Ferryman?"

"Would you prefer a rational explanation or an irrational one?" Charon asked. "You will get neither. Do you wish to die or go on?"

Tania considered. "Where is Liv?"

"I can take you to her." 

"Then allow me to pay the toll," said Tania, taking a coin out of her pocket. "I know it's traditionally supposed to be an Obol... but would you care to take a few pounds?" She held the coins out. 

"That will do nicely." said Charon, and he led her to the cab. 

* * *

Liv had insisted that it was some sort of alien influence, and Tania probably believed that. It lined up with most of it. There were plenty of alien life forms out there that could have emulated that experience. 

Probably.

"You should ask the Doctor," Liv suggested, but Tania shook her head. "Don't want to waste his time."

They sat together on the couch. "It had been ages. I missed you." Tania said.

"Really? Ages? You've been gone, what, five minutes?" Liv asked skeptically.

"Who knows." Tania said. 

Helen came in with a cup of tea. "Sorry to interrupt you two lovebirds, but there's someone on the phone for you, Tania." 

Tania strolled over to the old phone - still wired to the wall, god knows why they kept it - and picked up the reciever. 

Ash's voice came streaming out of it. "Tania - it's strange, we've been looking everywhere for you. There's some kind of temporal effect relating to the rift, we couldn't find you anywhere. Where are you?" 

"Home," Tania replied, and she smiled at Liv, and sipped her tea. She walked over, and she held her hand. 

Andy sat in his apartment doing the dishes. Yvonne was collapsed, asleep on the couch, not even out of her cheap fast food uniform. 

Ash opened the door. "Andy, I've located Tania." 

"Oh, that's good." Andy said. "Is she with the Baker Street Gang like I said she'd be?"

"Yes, and no. According to our scanners, she has crossed the timestream. She's with the Doctor, Liv and Helen, plus even you somehow, but it's been sort of split. From now on, Torchwood may be dealing with some temporal inconsistencies."

"Comes with the job." Andy said. He paused, remembering himself. "That incidentally, I do not have." 

Ash nodded. "Our Torchwood can move on without her. The Doctor will need her. I'm certain of it."

He walked out of the door.

Yvonne got up from the couch, evidently having been woken up. "Does everyone have a key to our apartment?" 

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Rebecca Root as Tania Bell 

Phil Davis as Charon

with

Tracy Ann Oberman as Yvonne Hartman

D'arcy Carden as Stacy Richardson

Tom Price as Andy Davison

Ian Alexander as Ash

Kate Bracken as Ursula 

And Special Guest Stars

Nicola Walker as Liv Chenka

Hattie Morahan as Helen Sinclair