NCJDDAS: Oh No It’s The Cats Episode - Part Two
NCJDDAS: Oh No It’s The Cats Episode - Part Two
Starring The Dame Judi Dench Cat and The Sir Ian McKellen Cat
Takes place in the alternate timeline of the past four stories
Previously On Doctor Who...
The Doctor and Roman, on a trip to see Avengers 82, discover the fact that the Cats movie (2019) is absolutely everywhere. And she has absolutely no clue what made it. It sure as hell wasn’t her. Or any of her clones that performed Judi Dench’s career. Or any of the original cast of Cats. ...What the fuck made it then? The answer is extra dimensional beings beyond our reality. Cats came into being fully forged as an attempt by aliens to create a true “cult classic.” Because in the future, no one wants to rewatch good movies, the bad stuff is the only thing that’s remembered. Something about humans opinions on negativity. I’m sure it’s a real nice allegory. And then a giant floating head of Cats Rebel Wilson turned Roman and the Doctor into cats and threw them into a vortex. And Danny is dead. Although that shouldn’t be much of a surprise, he’s done it like 8 times at this point.
Chapter Five
The Cat Doctor shook horrifically. “Roman what the fuck is this.”
Cat Roman was having a mental breakdown. “Look, I don’t know! I don’t know! God, Doctor, get us out of this!”
“I look like, and I am going to quote the actual Dame Judi Dench - A Battered, Mangy Old Thing. An Orange Bruiser. With A Coat like Five Cats Fucking On My Back. And that is a direct quote.”
“Maybe too kind,” Cat Roman replied.
Cat James Corden came up to them with a gun. “Are you ready to film your scenes for Cats (2019), Dame Judi, Sir Ian?”
“....I thought your theory was this whole film came into being fully forged, Doctor,” Cat Roman said. “Please don’t tell me I have to make the fucking thing.”
“At least you’re not one of the VFX artists that were verbally abused on set.” The Cat Doctor replied.
They passed by several VFX artists in cages, desperately animating each individual piece of fur on the cast members. Despite them already having fur due to being eldritch abominations.
“Due to your crimes against catmanity, you will now make our film,” said Cat James Corden, looking fucking nightmarish. The Doctor realized that the fur placed on him occasionally clipped off his body.
“Okay, just shoot us.” The Cat Doctor said. “I may not want to die, but I have standards.”
* * *
The Cat Doctor and Cat Roman suddenly came back into being again.
“Death is not an escape.” Said Cat Taylor Swift.
The Cat Doctor desperately tried to die again, but as the bullets phased through her skull and caused her head to explode in a graphic amount of blood, it all fused back together.
“There is no escape.” Said Cat Taylor Swift, as the Cat Doctor desperately emotionally broke down.
“OH GOD OH PLEASE NO OH MY GOSH NO NO NO” said the Cat Doctor as the filming began.
Chapter Six
JELLICLES CAN AND JELLICLES DO
JELLICLES DO AND JELLICLES WOULD
“Holy shit, this is the opening number.” The Cat Doctor moaned. “I’m not gonna fucking get through this.”
“At least your part is easy.” Cat Roman replied. “Old Deuteronomy is a role that is difficult for a man, but with your body, you should find it easy and it will be decisively unimpressive.”
“Look, that’s not the point.” The Doctor said. “I just...I just don’t get cats. I really don’t. Watched the original supposed good one without the CGI too. It’s just...”
The Cat Doctor spun around. She began to sing.
♪ The fuck is a Deuteronomy Jellicle Heaviside Layer? ♪
♪ Why are all their names like JennyAnyDots or whatever? ♪
♪ Well I actually know, there’s a song about the naming of Cats-♪
♪ But why in the hell should I care about that? ♪
At this, the Jellicle Cats began to encircle her, chanting... ♪ Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats, Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats Jellicle Songs for Jellicle Cats ♪
♪What is the point of a musical with no plot? ♪
♪ Is it just silly dance routines and whatnot? ♪
♪ If you comprise it with awful crazed CGI ♪
♪ All that I can think is why why why ♪
♪ I know that it’s basically a T.S Eliot poem ♪
♪ But holy fuck these costumes look like a scrotum ♪
“That’s a forced rhyme.” Roman pointed out.
“ROMAN, GET OFF MY DICK!” The Doctor shrieked. “There’s no point to this. I have absolutely no interest. Why do I care about anything related to this musical?”
“Well, because they’re gonna kill us if we don’t get involved.”
“They also won’t let us die, so I might as well just sit here.”
The Jellicle Cats walked forward, doing weird ass creepy dancing.
♪ There are things more agonizing and painful than death ♪
♪ If you fight us we will have you make music ♪
♪ Until your last breath ♪
Chapter Seven
The Cat Doctor resigned herself to her trailer after a long day of filming.
A long, frustrating day of filming.
Cat Roman had a separate trailer, and she wasn't allowed to talk to him, so that was annoying. Almost like whatever Cat force was behind this didn't want the two of them to have time to figure a way out of this.
As she returned to her trailer, She saw something strange.
"Cat Jennifer Hudson?" The Doctor moved over.
"Help me," Cat Jennifer Hudson whispered. "We're all trapped here! All forced to do this movie, by - her!-"
"Wait. My previous theory about this thing coming into existence fully formed - it's wrong, isn't it! Even more wrong than I thought, you're...you're really Jennifer Hudson. There are infinite universes in the multiverse, there must be at least one dimension where Jennifer Hudson looks like a badly CGI-d Cat! They're using you - as slave labor!"
"Won't - let - me - think!" Cat Jennifer Hudson whispered, straining, but then suddenly her entire body language transformed, and she was no longer pained, but now obviously being made to perform. ♪ TOUCH ME, IT'S SO EASY TO LE-EAVE MEEEE - ♪
"Cat Jennifer Hudson, are you there??" The Doctor waved her hand in front of Cat Jennifer Hudson's face to no avail as Cat Jennifer Hudson continued to sing memory on loop.
"oh my god, this is nightmarish-" The Doctor swore, but suddenly Cat Jennifer Hudson was taken away by several CGI-d Cat Medical People in nightmarish lab coats and Cat gas masks??
♪ ALL ALONE WITH THE MEEEMMMMMMMMMMROORORORORORYRYRYYYYYY ♪ Cat Jennifer Hudson pleaded, as she was dragged away by the Cats in white.
"holy fuck" The Cat Doctor, stood there for a while, unsure of how to react, before she finally slowly walked back to her trailer to sleep.
As anyone who has seen Cats (2019) can attest, she was unable to sleep whatsoever, the nightmarish faces horrifically flashing in her mind.
* * *
The Cat Doctor came to set the following morning looking even shitter than usual.
"Oh my gosh, Doctor, did you get any sleep?"
"No. I had visions of Cockroaches with Baby Faces on them being eaten by Cat Rebel Wilson as she unzipped her body."
"Understandable then," said Cat Roman. "Here, have some Coffee."
The Cat Doctor took the Coffee and downed it.
"WOW-ROMAN-THAT-STUFF-REALLY-WORKS-I'VE-NEVER-HAD-COFFEE-BEFORE-WOW-THAT'S-GOOD-ROMAN-OH-WOW-OH-GOLLY-OH-JEE-WIZ" The Caffinated Cat Doctor shrieked.
Cat Roman blanched in fear. He had created a monster.
* * *
"Cat Sir Ian McKellen!" Cat Tom Hooper said, calling Cat Roman to the stage. Cat Tom Hooper is the same as regular Tom Hooper, (The Real Life Director of Cats 2019) except he's a Cat. "We're gonna film your scene!"
"Okay then," said Cat Roman, and then he proceeded to be the best part of the movie.
* * *
After Cat Roman returned to his seat, he found the caffeinated cat Doctor in front of a police evidence murder board with string and whatnot. Her tired bloodshot eyes blazed nightmarishly. "OK-ROMAN," The Cat Doctor shrieked, really fucking loud. "I'VE-FIGURED-IT-OUT! THE-CASE-IS-SOLVED!"
"oh no" Cat Roman muttered.
"OKAY-SO-IT-ALL-BEGINS-WITH-LINDA-HAMILTON-STAR-OF-THE-FIRST-TERMINATOR-MOVIE-" The Cat Doctor yelled, breaking the sound barrier. She pointed at Linda Hamilton's picture on the board. "WHY-THE-EVERLASTING-FUCK-DID-I-DREAM-ABOUT-LINDA-HAMILTON!"
"How did you have time to make all this"
"WE'RE-CATS-ROMAN-TWINE-IS-REAL-EASY-TO-GET!" She hollered, continuing. "OK SO LINDA HAMILTON HAS WORKED WITH ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS AND HE HAS WORKED WITH JOHN SLATTERY WHO HAS WORKED WITH YOU GUESSED IT, KEVIN BACON! USING THE GAME SIX DEGREES OF KEVIN BACON WE CAN DETERMINE THAT LINDA HAMILTON HAS A BACON NUMBER OF FOUR OR LOWER. FOUR IS THE NUMBER OF SIDES IN A SQUARE. THERE ALSO ARE FOUR X-MEN THAT MATTER. IN X-MEN DAYS OF FUTURE PAST, YOU YOURSELF, OR AT LEAST ONE OF YOUR WEIRD CLONE THINGS STARRED WITH JAMES MCAVOY, WHO HIMSELF STARRED WITH KEVIN BACON IN X-MEN FIRST CLASS IT APPEARS YOU HAVE YOURSELF A KEVIN BACON NUMBER OF TWO, WHICH IS HALF OF FOUR! FOUR IS THE AMOUNT OF MEAN GIRLS THAT THERE ARE IN MEAN GIRLS, REGINA GEORGE, GRETCHEN WEINERS, CADY HERON, AND KAREN SMITH. MEAN GIRLS BROADWAY SHARES THE STAR BARRETT WILBERT WEED WITH HEATHERS ON BROADWAY, AND FAMOUS BROADWAY STAR JEREMY JORDAN (WHO STARRED IN THE BROADWAY ADAPTATION OF NEWSIES) ORIGINATED THE ROLE OF J.D. I THINK. I HAVEN'T FACT CHECKED ANY OF THIS. ANYWAY JEREMY JORDAN APPEARS IN A SHITLOAD FUCKTON OF BULLSHIT AND YOU KNOW WHO ELSE DOES?"
"mm, do tell," Roman muttered.
"YOU! ANOTHER ONE OF YOUR BODIES, SIR PATRICK STEWART, WHO STARRED IN STAR TREK WITH AN ACTOR WHO IS ANOTHER ONE OF MY COMPANIONS, ALLISON PILL, THE SAME PERSON I DREAMED ABOUT WITH LINDA HAMILTON. AND YOU KNOW WHAT PAT STEW'S OTHER FAMOUS ROLE IS? PROFESSOR X, PROBABLY! EITHER WAY, BECAUSE I STAR WITH SIR IAN MCKELLEN IN CATS AND YOU STAR AS IAN MCKELLEN WITH SIR PATRICK STEWART IN JUST ABOUT EVERYTHING, ALSO X-MEN, AND BECAUSE WE ARE CATS IT BECOMES INCREDIBLY CLEAR THAT THE TRUE VILLAIN, THE TRUE PERSON BEHIND ALL OF THIS COULD ONLY BE ONE MAN!"
"me? you're trying to say it's me?"
"NO YOU LUMPSKULL! THE PERSON TRULY BEHIND THIS IS SIR PATRICK STEWART'S THIRD MOST FAMOUS ROLE, AND ONE OF THE OTHER WORST MOVIES OF ALL TIME, RIVALLING CATS (2019) ITSELF, POOP FROM THE EMOJI MOVIE!"
poop from the emoji movie suddenly revealed himself. "ah, so you have discovered me!"
Chapter Eight
Cat Roman blinked, concernedly. "I'm sorry, uh-"
"yes, it is I, poop," said poop from the emoji movie.
"Far be it from me to detract from comedic genius, but isn't there a certain other villain that's going to show up again that would make infinitely more sense in this scenario?" Cat Roman asked.
"NO, IT'S NOT THE DREAM LADY, THIS ISN'T A DREAM, ROMAN! poop IS THE ONLY VILLAIN THAT CAN BE CONNECTED TO IT ALL, MINUS KEVIN BACON, AND IT WOULD BE SILLY IF KEVIN BACON WAS THE VILLAIN IN THIS EPISODE!"
"But- but -" Roman jittered. "Kathryn Hahn is from Wandavision, and there was that whole scene with Jennifer Hudson that really felt like a Wandavision homage!"
"NOPE CAT REBEL WILSON HAS ACTUALLY BEEN poop THIS WHOLE TIME. AND SO IS CAT TOM HOOPER. AND NORMAL TOM HOOPER."
"can we not insult real people please"
"I HAVE SOLVED THE CASE AND THUS IS THE EPISODE COMPLETED!" The Doctor shrieked, and the main credits began to roll.
"FUTURE ME WANTED TO DO THAT!! NOT ME RIGHT NOW!!"
"No."
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