(PARODY AMONG US): 7.12 Daily Grind
Torchwood Parody Among Us
7.12 Daily Grind
Starring Ben Mendelsohn, Scarlett Johansson, Natalia Cordova Buckley, Jason Hughes, Ian Alexander
Warning: Horny, Depression
* * *
The Hub
“So.” Ash began, “What exactly do you want from me?”
Hunter nervously looked at the floor. “No one ever likes that question.”
“Two months ago you were treating me like shit and now you’ve tried to plant one on me.” Ash pointed out. “If that means anything I need to know that you respect who I am.”
Hunter nodded. “Of course.”
“It’s worth asking. Especially- I mean, you know. New boss, new ranks, new everything. I just want to know I can depend on you, that you’re attracted to me as a man and not something I’m not.”
“I’m bad at relationship stuff.” Hunter said, not assuredly.
“Oh, come on. It’s been a week. A week since Tania left, since we were told that every child in Cardiff is going to turn against us at any second- I think we’re entitled to move quickly in this scenario and you’ve been glacial! You’ve just snogged me a few times as if that explains everything.”
“People don’t talk like this. Normal people don’t just start dictating relationship rules when we’re only really getting started-”
Ash sighed. “We aren’t normal people.”
“Look, Ash. I’m not sure I get the whole trans thing but I want to try things with you. I like you, and...I...wow, this is hard to say...um...”
“Take your time.”
“I’m not attracted to you because you used to be a girl. I’m attracted to you because you’re not. I...oh, fuck it, I'll say it. I'm bisexual.”
“Ah. A breakthrough.” Ash smiled.
“People really don’t talk like this.”
They kissed.
This would be the most exciting thing to happen for the next three weeks.
"A thing that many people do not realize about Torchwood is the procedure. Some people are good at it. Yvonne was very good at it. Colchester - excellent. Tania as well. Pretty much everyone I fired for having connections to the Committee." Cherry stated. "Result - I'm shit at keeping this place together. Which is why I'm talking to you."
Richardson looked at Cherry with distain. "You did all but fire me, Classified. My rank is officially undesignated. In other words, my rank is so low, somebody in paperwork couldn't be bothered to make the bloody thing."
"And I'm sorry about that. I'm here to apologize. I need to keep Torchwood working, especially with the threats announced as of recent. But that's my problem. As a person, I'm good with the big bombast and the spying - but as said, shit with the paperwork. Therefore, I'm inviting you back into Torchwood on a provisional basis."
"Get lost."
"You have to understand how this is for me, Richardson. You're brilliant, and I need brilliant right now. I really need it. We are so close to the big one right now, and I am also very close to tracking down Object One and destroying it- but I need help."
"You're asking me back officially. Even after you know about my work with the rift."
"I would appreciate a second detailed account involving that work, but well, yes, depending on your willingness to help me, I may be willing to waive the usual Court Martial you'd get for that shit."
"You're really unprofessional."
"Mister, I spent two fucking years travelling the time vortex with an insane alien knight of the british order." Cherry snapped, and then realized the gravity of what she had said. "Uh, sorry. Was trying to get on your side and swore at you. Look, could you just -"
"If you fill me in."
"What?"
"If you fill me in on what is happening with Carl Summers, I'll work with you."
"Sorry, what again?"
"He's my business rival, I want to know why he's dead."
"Alright. But I have a condition of my own."
"What?"
"Stacy." Cherry said. "Stacy needs to know her past. The one you took from her when you retconned her in the rift. Then I'll work with you."
"She'll be angry."
"Yeah, she'll probably bite your head off. Good luck."
They shook hands, and Richardson left the office. Cherry collapsed into her chair, a nervous wreck.
One Week Later
"Nothing is happening." Anastasia said. "It has been two weeks now since Tania up and left. Torchwood is at red alert. Any second now, we have a hostile invasion force trying to destroy Cardiff, right?"
Stacy nodded. "Yeah."
"Then why has it been two weeks since anything happened?"
"Ana, Torchwood has times where nothing goes wrong beyond the routine. That's good, it means we're doing our job right."
"It means we do not know what to do," Anastasia said bluntly. "It means that I have to sit around with my thoughts all day, and I do not like that. I like moving, fighting, doing investigations."
"I know you're gung ho, Ana. I always liked that about you, but really - you've been a lot lately."
"No, I am fine." Anastasia insisted. "I am most definitely, completely, totally fine," She said, not fine.
Richardson walked up to them. "Hello. Can I talk to you for a moment in private, Stacy?"
"Can I have a spontaneous concussion that allows me to completely avoid this conversation?" Stacy butted back. "Get lost, Tom."
"It's to do with the past." Richardson said, ominously.
"If you are asking me back, I will legitimately shoot you."
"No, I am trying to say that before we came to Torchwood, I kidnapped you and mindwashed you into thinking you were my wife, and you're actually a scientist from Torchwood four, your real last name is Stacy Kingston, and this was all so I could maintain my cover, but seriously, it was mostly an accident, and I regret 80 to 90% of it."
"...Are you kidding me?"
* * *
"Bored." Hunter said to the bowl of biscuits. "Bored. Bored."
"Fifteen days since a major incident. Fifteen days since a minor incident. Fifteen days since an incident." Ash grumbled. "I'm beginning to think something's wrong."
"Seriously, though. Torchwood - it like, this has never happened. We always have something to do. There's not even paperwork anymore, we finished all of that too. It's gonna be the end of the world soon, what are we supposed to do, sit around?" Hunter groaned. "It's pathetic."
The two of them sat alone for a minute.
Hunter glared at the bowl of biscuits.
"You wanna have sex?" Ash asked.
* * *
Richardson walked up to Cherry. "Here's my full report on my time in the rift, and Stacy currently knows everything."
"Did you explain anything more to her than that one very undetailed paragraph?"
"No."
"I figured as much." Cherry swore. "She mad at you?"
"Very." Richardson replied. He decided to change the subject, to Cherry's chagrin. "Based on the lack of current events going on, perhaps we should refocus our efforts on attempting to locate Object One."
"Oh, believe me, I have been trying. The usual signal Torchwood uses to detect Object One's appearances has been blocked by some kind of telemetry interference. Presumably due to the new telephone tower."
"Or it could be something else."
"What?"
"Yvonne."
* * *
Ash and Hunter walked out of the storage room, sweaty.
"So, I noticed, um, you've had surgery."
"I think you more than noticed." Ash replied.
"Sorry, When did that happen?"
"Two Months." Ash replied. "I feel better, like, you know, it's great, but I thought it would be the perfect end all be all to my problems."
"And it's not?"
"I still don't feel normal. Maybe it's that my parents still refuse to talk to me. Maybe it's the weird glares I get on the street. But I'm going to go on. Because I think I deserve it."
Hunter laughed. "Sorry, I can't still believe I'm doing this."
"What?"
"Admitting to myself that this is okay. Not being an asshole. Talking very strangely, because there's no way romantic conversations don't sound awkward, at least to someone." Hunter smiled. "You're amazing."
They paused.
"Do you think this is going to end well?" Ash asked.
"What?"
"I mean, Torchwood. It has a record. I- I just don't know, do you think that starting something - that it might hurt later?"
Hunter didn't know how to respond to that.
"I mean, what the hell happens if one of us dies horribly? People usually do, in our job." Ash said, worriedly. "I mean, isn't this going to make it harder than it would be ordinarily?"
* * *
The following day, they all assembled in the hub.
"I have a theory." Richardson said. "That's why I've called you all here."
"Well, come on, then. We aren't exactly busy." Anastasia called out.
"Torchwood isn't not dealing with an anomaly for a stupid amount of time, this lack of any alien interference is an anomaly in of itself." Richardson suggested. "The most unique rift activity we've experienced prior to this was, what, Abbadon? The summoning of objects and affects on close contact are all we know that the rift is capable of. What if it is capable of, after a time of great duress, recuperating?"
"What?"
"If you have plenty of Thunderstorms at one point, that's all well and good, but the Rift is a natural phenomenon. After a lot of busy, there's going to be a drought. Every Action has it's equal opposite reaction. A law of motion, so perhaps not appropriate, but what if that's what's going on here? What if, after Cardiff being a shitshow for 100 years, the Rift is gonna calm down for a bit?" Richardson asked.
Team Torchwood looked around. "Well, what does that mean for us?" Hunter asked.
* * *
Four Days Later
"Yvonne Hartman." Cherry said, walking into Andy's apartment. "How far we have fallen."
"What? Uh, Cherry, right?" Andy said. "Uh, sorry. Um, Yvonne's not here. She went out for some, um, weird Yoga thing?"
"I need to find her. I need to find Object One. I know that she's the reason that we can't detect it."
"Ah, geez." Andy bit his lip. "Um, Yvonne, um, initially said she was going to hide Object One here, but listen. She's given up on Torchwood, she's living here with me, and we're quite happy with our cheap flat and exorbitant amounts of bags of crisps. So if you would mind-"
"Yvonne said she was giving up Torchwood?" Cherry asked. "And...and you believed her?!"
"She said it very seriously." Andy said, earnest. "She works at a fast food place, which, um, is why we have so many bags of crisps. It's really, um, yeah, a thing."
Yvonne opened the door and walked in. "Ah, Mrs. Classified, what a surprise," she said, her voice cutting like a knife. The kind of voice that said, get out of here before I kill you and your family, without actually saying that.
"Torchwood is dying." Cherry said. "For some reason, the rift has stopped. And for that matter, so has all of the data we have on the Committee. Nothing is happening, There's just...nothing! Everything has stopped."
"Oh dear, and I was so looking forward to seeing Torchwood actually last without my leadership." Yvonne said, with continual veiled aggression. "The door is over there."
"Yvonne, we need to see Object One. If there's anything that can describe this behavior, Object One can. If you would-"
"The door is over there," said Yvonne, directing her to the door and reclining onto the couch. "I trust I don't have to show you out?"
Cherry narrowed her eyes, and left without another word.
* * *
Anastasia had been talking to Object One for three weeks now. She would get calls when she wanted to talk, as if it knew. The number was always withheld, and the calls were always too short to be traced. But Anastasia felt angry with the world, depressed, ruined, and when she talked to that serene voice from the other end of the phone, she felt slightly better. Which is why it was all the more awful that the calls stopped.
The calls stopped like everything else, but perhaps just a bit slower. The last call she had had was two days after Tania left.
Life was miserable, and she couldn't talk to anyone. No one would understand that she killed her uncle, not any therapist, and not any of her co-workers.
After work, Anastasia sat in her car and cried, every night, and the following morning, she'd walk back in, a smile on her face.
"Wow, how are you handling this so well? This boredom sure is getting to me, I'm so scared at the state of the world," They'd say, and they would be impressed, and they would be wrong, because at the end of the shift, there she was in her car, crying into a box of soaked tissues.
Cherry invited Anastasia into her office one day, and had applauded her for how exemplary her work was. Anastasia put on her smile, and said thank you.
You had to be a good actor to be a spy.
* * *
Two Weeks Later...
"Torchwood is going to close down. Bare minimum armaments, bare minimum personnel, bare minimum everything. While you're all going to be on call, in case the committee comes, we can't afford to call you into work each day and have nothing to show for it, our funding won't let us. Richardson and I will be the only continuing workers." Cherry stated one morning. "I'm sorry. You all have to go home."
"No," They whispered, but they had no choice.
Torchwood was over.
* * *
Cherry sat down to her office with Richardson. "You think I did the right thing?" She asked.
"Of course," replied Richardson. "After all, no one has dealt with anything like this before."
"Yeah, I keep telling myself that. But seriously, the Committee should be striking any day now -"
"I know, but without the Government funding, even I can't afford to keep Torchwood 100% open." Richardson replied. "I think only Bezos and Gates are that rich."
Cherry wrung her forehead. "But really? I've never done anything like this before, I just feel like - it's all on me. It's all my failure."
Cherry sighed. "Well, to the future. The Twenty First Century is where everything changes."
"Yes." Richardson smiled. "Yes, The Twenty First Century is when it all changes."
He took out a gun from his pocket and fired into her chest.
"It all changes here."
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