(MAIN RANGE): Carol of The Bells

Something about this story had to be done sloppily to get it out before Christmas and it was the cover 

(MAIN RANGE): Carol of The Bells

Starring Dame Judi Dench as The Twenty Sixth Doctor and her entire supporting cast

Happy Holidays

You will probably get what I'm pastiche-ing in the first sentence

Stave One

Danny was dead to begin with. There was no doubt about that. The register of his burial was signed by the clerk, the undertaker, Professor Bernice Summerfield (who being an archeologist, knows damn well whether a person is dead or not. It's a very important distinction, because well, you have to be sure a body is a. dead and b. really damn old to try archeology on it, so suffice to say she knows her stuff) and so it was pretty final. The Doctor signed the register. And The Doctor was a mournful woman for a good time after that. 

Danny was as dead as a doornail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But I had to put the line in because Dickens put it there. Anywho, 

Danny was dead as a doornail. It's important to remember this, because if you don't, nothing magical can come from the story I am about to tell you. 

It begins on a sad night in the TARDIS, where the Doctor and her friends sit by her.

"Merry Christmas, Doctor!" Cherry said, walking into the center of the room, to which Roman made a horrified gesture.

"What did you say?!" The Doctor asked, angrily. 

"Um, Merry Christmas? I'm sorry, do you have your own space religion? I should really just say Happy Holidays..."

"Bah Humbug!" The Doctor said, uncharacteristically, for we must have a plot. "Danny died one year ago on this very night!"

"Did he though? Wasn't it in the middle of January?" Cherry asked again, as Roman continued to gesture silently and hammily that she should stop talking. 

"Bah Humbug!" The Doctor repeated. "I am a vengeful, mournful woman and nothing good to me ever happens on Christmas! And if you don't believe me, I have 11 Christmas specials with a high death count in most of them to throw at you, and that's not even counting The Chimes of Midnight!"

"Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Mrs. Baddeley's-" Cherry began to shriek before the Doctor interrupted her.

"Bah Humbug!!" The Doctor shrieked to herself. "I am going to retreat into the TARDIS to my secret room and I am going to have some peace and quiet to make myself fricking miserable!" 

The Doctor stormed off. 

"Roman! We have to do something about the Doctor! She's acting out of character!" Cherry said to Roman as soon as the Doctor left the room.

"Isn't she always? Honestly, I think she's pretty damn entitled. You know she's canonically fought the fucking Krampus twice at this point! Once in Big Finish and Once in Titan Comics! The Goddamn Krampus! Christmas is kind of like a Dalek to her at this point." Roman commented. "Maybe we should let her mourn."

"No one should be miserable over the holidays! I know what we'll do! We'll do an adaptation of a Christmas Carol!"

"I thought that it was already pretty clear that that's what this story was-"

"There's nothing better to make her happier and filled with Christmas cheer than dredging up her terrible emotional trauma!" Cherry cheered. 

Roman rolled his eyes. "Sure, fine, I'm not responsible for any of your actions." Roman grumbled. "I used to have a backbone but no. Travelled with the Doctor for like thirty dang stories now, I am too tired to complain about any of your choices."

"Wonderful. Let's assume we'll cast Danny as Jacob Marley, who's gonna do the rest of this?"

"I'm certain people will just show up." Roman said. 

The (Michelle Yeoh) Master pulled herself up out of the floorboards, giggling. "Did somebody say dredging up emotional trauma?" She cheered, putting on a party hat and blowing a paper party horn.

* * *

The Doctor blew through the TARDIS corridors, walking at a huffy brisk pace with her black cloak trailing behind her. She moved to her private rooms - deep into the TARDIS's corridors, far from where her companions could ever find her, and where she rarely came unless she wanted to mope, sleep or watch TV. 

She came to a door in the style of an victorian building, it's frame made out of ornate wood etchings and the walls alongside it boarded like a classical house in the old of London. The room was so dark that even the Doctor, who knew its every stone, was fain to grope with her hands. The fog and frost so hung about the black old gateway, that it seemed as if the Genius of the Weather sat in mournful meditation on the threshold. Now, it is a fact, that there was nothing at all particular about the knocker on the door, except that it was very large. It is also a fact, that The Doctor had seen it, night and morning, during her whole residence in that place; also that The Doctor was feeling particularly unfanciful and was certainly not on any hallucinatory drugs. 

 And then let any man explain to me, if he can, how it happened that The Doctor, having her key in the lock of the door, saw in the knocker, without its undergoing any intermediate process of change—not a knocker, but Danny’s face. Danny’s face. It was not in impenetrable shadow as the other objects in the yard were, but had a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar. It was not angry or ferocious, but looked at Scrooge, sorry, The Doctor, as Danny used to look: with admiration and a pleasant gentle face that had an almost smile at the curlings of it's lips. The eyes were wide open, they were perfectly motionless. That, and its livid color, made it horrible; but its horror seemed to be in spite of the face and beyond its control, rather than a part of its own expression.

The Doctor, knowing the source material, placed an annoyed hand to her forehead. 

"Okay, boys, let's speed it up. I have a night of moping to do, and whatever you're throwing at me, Dickens rejects, please can we do it quickly so I may move on from it and resume wasting this horrid day?" The Doctor spat. 

Nothing happened, as the Doctor swished open the door and ascended to her private rooms, the shadows creeping around her, in the shapes of many silhouettes of her hallucinatory friend as she proceeded to her room. 

The Doctor sighed, and placed herself into her bed and attempted to turn on Hulu. Upon the screen, a darkened face revealed itself, the face of Danny once more. 

"Oh, come on! ...No, you don't need to say anything. I will do the whole thing." The Doctor paused before breaking out into speech at an enormous pace. "You're dead! You may be an undigested bit of beef, a blot of mustard, a crumb of cheese, a fragment of an underdone potato! More Gravy than Grave! You wear the chain you forged in life! I have had a chain your length many years before and labored on it since!  Ponderous chain! Speak Comfort! You have none to give! A bunch of ghosts show up covered in chains! I am to be haunted by three spirits! " The Doctor yelled. 

"Aw, gee, Doctor, I was just gonna say the three spirits bit and that you just need to be reminded of how nice Christmas is and all that. You're not going to hell. There's only one person in hell. Okay, minus Hitler."

"Who?"

"Margaret Thatcher." Danny said. "Although there are a few in the US Government these days that have a chance of getting down there." 

"Okay, let's not get political." The Doctor said. "When are these three spirits coming? At what time?"

"Time is relative," Danny smiled. 

"Oh come on, you can tell me-" 

"Ooh gee, let me check my ghost clock. Ooh, wait, I don't have a ghost clock. That sure is funny." Danny mocked.

"...Is it really you? Danny? Really, honestly you? Are ghosts real?"

"Insert obscure answer here that doesn't really answer your question but does lean more on the whole I am real end of the spectrum." Danny smiled. "You should really go to bed now. You got a lot of ghosts and we will be going rather quickly to make up for lost time here." 

And with that, the Doctor felt a strange sleep come over her, a strange power that compelled her to lie down and the Doctor fell into her bed.

Stave Two

"Awake!" A voice called. 

The Doctor bolted upwards. "Cherry? Is that you?" 

"Nope," said a woman with flowing red hair. "I am the ghost of Christmas Past." She smiled. She was a strange figure, aglow with etheral light, pointing out of her in sharp curls and spikes, a light switch placed upon her forehead. 

"...Rani?" The Doctor asked. "...You aren't dead." 

"You will recall I have had multiple regenerations that did die." 

"I don't see how you can convince me that Christmas is great, but sure, show me my past." The Doctor said. "Just not anything before Hartnell. We have to remain suitably vague."

"Fuck you! Let me show you an old Christmas!" The Rani's Ghost proclaimed, and the scene around them shifted, the room becoming blurrier and blurrier until it was a blurred few dots of hue and reforming into a Gallifreyan landscape, the red sand and pointy leaveless trees with bark as dark as night were  blotted with pieces of bright white snow. 

"I was raised here! And there's...there's the barn I slept in, out in the cold..."

“You recollect the way?” inquired The Rani.

“Remember it!” cried The Doctor; “I could walk it blindfolded!”

 “Strange to have forgotten it for so many years!” observed the Rani. 

The Doctor led them down the red fields, sprinkled with white, and as the Doctor stepped up, she saw a figure. "Hey! That's that guy! From my childhood! That I'm not mentioning so It's suitably vague! I wanna go talk to him!" 

"We are but shadows in this world. We cannot touch it, only watch as the past unfolds." The Rani said, bitterly. "Come. Look in." She said, gesturing to the barn, as she pulled the Doctor through the walls. 

"It's young me." The Doctor said, stepping inside. "Oh, what a horrid life it was, I always felt so inadequate... I hid here in the barn, I couldn't even sleep in the Great houses like the other Gallifreyan children...or Loomed people...or...look, frick continuity." 

"Speaking of continuity, it is Christmas night. And look... look beneath your bed."

And the Doctor gazed deeply into the shadow, to find a woman hiding beneath the bed - Clara Oswald, sitting there for a moment before the Doctor's young self stepped to the floor only for Clara to grab him by the ankle. 

"This was Christmas?"

"This was when it all began, you know. That is, minus the whole Timeless Children stuff, and all of the- Look. Clara taught you a thing. It's like a thing, okay. And you live by part of that code that Clara taught you now." 

"Oh, geez." The Doctor said. 

"Come. Let us see another Christmas." The Rani waved her hand and suddenly the Doctor gazed as the years went by and she saw another Christmas. 

"Incidentally, Merry Christmas to all of you at home!" William Hartnell cheered. 

"Whoops, not that one." The Rani said, waving her hands again. 

Suddenly, David Tennant began shrieking about the Lion King to the Sycorax General. 

"Nope, not that one either. Although that was very formative." The Rani continued to swipe, and as she messed up, The Doctor began to see her point. She met Donna Noble and saw the Titanic fall, the Doctor regenerating in the snow, Her spending 20 Christmases with Kazran Sardick, The Doctor The Widow and The Wardrobe (Shudder), The battle of Trenzalore, Her meeting Clara again as an old woman, seeing River for the last time and dying in the snow of WW1 as the people around her began to drop arms and for a glorious few hours, truce and treat eachother as human beings again. 

"Okay. I think I get the point." The Doctor commented. 

And The Rani fiddled with swiping through Christmases so much she began to swear loudly as the Doctor was deposited back to bed and back to sleep. 

Stave Three

The Doctor came to as suddenly, The Master appeared in her bedroom. 

"What? Master, what the-"

"Oh, come on now, Doctor," The Master smiled wickedly. "I'm only here for a bit of fun. I am the ghost of Christmas Present." She handed the Doctor a wrapped gift which ticked ominously. 

"Thanks..." The Doctor shrugged... "I kind of get it now. Like...I had the whole Christmas thing and whatnot, and like, looking back over the years, although I've had many traumatic Christmas events, it's on the whole done me more good than ill." 

"..What. Already." The Master spat. "We have me and another Ghost to fill for heck's sake." 

The Doctor awkwardly shuffled. 

"Let me show you what is happening now!" The Master said, throwing her cloak into the Doctor's face and the Doctor fell into it and saw Roman and Cherry dejectedly sitting by the door. 

"Roman and Cherry?" The Doctor asked. 

"Um... hold on... what else is going on right now..." The Master stuttered. 

Cherry talked to Roman. "Do you think that this whole Christmas routine is helping the Doctor? I'm really worried about her. Like, I've only just met her and well, I feel like she's taking this whole thing hard. It wasn't even her that invited me aboard, it was you, Roman. I kind of... well, just... shuffled along behind you. Does she like me? Does she see me as like, a new female Danny, or does she like, respect me for who I am?" 

"I...I'm sure The Doctor likes you, Cherry." Roman said, trying to be supportive in his curmudegonly way. 

The Doctor tried to cry out. "Of course I like you, Cherry. You aren't anything like Danny-"

"We are but shadows here, Doctor." The Master said, laughing at the Doctor's psychological worry. "They shall not hear us. Let us see this Christmas elsewhere."

The shadows shifted and the Master led the Doctor into another TARDIS... that of the Monks. 

The Monk (in a new female body) was hanging ornaments across the console and humming. "Jingle bells, Jingle bells, Jingle all the way-" She laughed. 

The Monk began to etch out her plan to kidnap the Baby Jesus.  

"Oh, look at that," The Doctor said dejectedly. "She's all happy and like, productive. She's coming up with a Meddling plan for me to thwart and she's doing well while I'm moping." 

"Ho, ho, ho, Doctor!" The Master laughed. "Watch on-" 

As The Monk began to plan, she checked the console and saw that the Doctor wasn't following the signal she sent out for her to notice. 

The Monk's brow darkened. 

This was very disconcerting indeed. 

"Everyone needs a little attention- Doctor...The Monk is the same as anyone else. Her mood this Christmas is going to change a great deal now... but my time runs short. The Ghost of Christmas Future is coming, Doctor..."

"Wow. I would have thought you would be the ghost of Christmas Future and not present, as, well, you're the whole evil lady thing going on." 

"Yeah. I should have come to the casting call earlier. What can you do? But first, you must look at Ignorance and Want..."

The Master pulled out babies from her boots. "This is Ignorance, and this is Want. You know what you should do, Doctor? They're nasty things, kick their faces in."

"I'm not kicking babies faces in! Master, I really am disappointed in you. I was expecting a lot more from you, you know! This isn't even like a good scheme of yours or anything?" 

The Master rolled her eyes. "Can't a girl have some fun? Oooooooo...." She said, fading into mist as the Ghost of Christmas Future walked into the room...

Stave Four

"Ghost of Christmas Future!" The Doctor exclaimed.

The Ghost was a decrepid cloaked thing. It slowly, gravely, silently approached. When it came near her, The Doctor bent down upon her knee; for in the very air through which this Spirit moved it seemed to scatter gloom and mystery. It was shrouded in a deep black garment, which concealed its head, its face, its form, and left nothing of it visible save one outstretched hand. But for this it would have been difficult to detach its figure from the night, and separate it from the darkness by which it was surrounded.

"Wow. Okay. So... you're the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?" 

The Ghost took out a pen from it's ragged emptiness and began to write on a notepad- 

YES. I TRIED TO BE THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS NEVER AS IT SOUNDED MORE INTIMIDATING BUT NOBODY LIKED THAT AND LIKE GOD I WAS SO ANNOYED, LIKE SERIOUSLY

It began to continue to point again, silently and ominously. 

"Well. Apparition... lead on..." The Doctor said, gritting her teeth. "Show me what remains of my future if I continue to not like Christmas that much..."

The Ghost waved it's cloak and pointed to a shadow-y mass in the corner. 

"I mean, this can't be like the original novel. Not liking Christmas isn't going to kill me." The Doctor said.

The Ghost took off it's hood to reveal the Valeyard's face. He wrote on the notepad again. 

RLY, BITCH

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" The Doctor screamed. "Are these the shadows of the things that Will be, or are they shadows of things that May be, only? Men’s courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead, But if the courses be departed from, the ends will change. Say it is thus with what you show me!”

 The Spirit was immovable as ever. Eventually it did hold up a sign again.

WELL OKAY IF WE'RE BEING REALISTIC IT WOULD BE A MINOR CHANGE ON THE WHOLE IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE CHRISTMAS BUT IT WOULD MAKE YOU A SADDER MORE MISERABLE PERSON AND CLOSER TO BEING ME, AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN THAT CASE

The Doctor began to see visions of all of her friends, Paige, Hannah, Lottie, Miaki, Calvin, Marsha, Millie and others, trudging forwards through a post apocalyptic landscape.

"No! Argh! I am honestly sorry for all of this! Please! I don't want to become you, vile spirit! hear me! I am not the man, sorry, woman I was. I will not be that I must have been but for this intercourse. Why show me this, if I am past all hope!”

The Valeyard's spirit dabbed and than shrank into nothing slowly and surely. 

The Doctor was lying in her bed once more... it was the end of it. 

Stave Five

The Doctor rushed out of her room and came to Roman and Cherry. "I have suddenly decided that I like Christmas and no it's not because I was blackmailed that my future would be shit if I didn't! I am definitely and totally not that superficial!" She yelled very very quickly. 

"Yay! Wow, turns out the Master was helpful!" Cherry said. 

"Only somewhat. She was actually doing this whole thing to distract us from the fact that she gave you a present that was an atom bomb set for a one hour detonation. Luckily I deactivated it." Said Roman. 

"Well, I sure am happy and fulfilled now that I have to like Christmas (at gunpoint)!  Although I do question the purpose of this whole story, especially considering there was an actual Christmas Carol story previously in this universe!" The Doctor commented. "I have learned the true meaning of Christmas! It is that I am now Charles Dickens. I will write the Christmas Carol, and it is entirely my idea and my story. That's canon, by the way."

Suddenly the universe vibrated intently. 

"What was that? was that another Christmas thing?" The Doctor asked, 

"What's Christmas?" Cherry asked.

The Doctor suddenly realized the Monk had kidnapped the baby Jesus and removed him from the time stream. 

"OKAY, GUYS, LET'S GO. WE'RE SAVING A HOLIDAY FROM THE MONK NOW." The Doctor said, and Cherry and Roman shrugged and went off into the distance, the Doctor happier than before, humming carols that temporally no longer existed. 

Luckily, the Monk would be thwarted offscreen. 

And as the story came to a close, Tiny Tim appeared, because you have to end a Christmas Carol story this way or the men in black come to murder you in your sleep. 

And as Tiny Tim observed, "God Bless us, Everyone!" 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman
Scarlett Johansson as Cherry

Michelle Yeoh as The Master

Bette Midler as The Rani

Michael Jayston as The Valeyard

Mary Wiseman as The Monk 

Jenna Coleman as Clara

Alison Pill as Lottie

Gillian Jacobs as Paige

Emma Mackey as Hannah

Alan Tudyk as Miaki

Ted Danson as Calvin

Stevie Nicks as Millie 

Featuring

Ignorance and Want as Themselves