(MAIN RANGE): Character Homicide
(MAIN RANGE): Character Homicide
Disclaimer: I take some pot shots at the Torchwood writing consistency here. When I kid, it’s with love.
Starring the Season One Torchwood Cast
With Special Thanks To Hazel, for Shitting All Over The Script
2007, Before The Events Of Combat
Jack had left for the week, and Owen was straight out of his mind, piss bored. The only mediocrely entertaining thing that had happened for the past few days was when Janet the Weevil tried to eat a cereal box. And somehow failed.
All the same, as he sat in the flickering lights of the dim torchwood hub, he was struggling to get any work done. Owen was usually efficient, but that was only when he had the energy for the material. He had energy for alien autopsies, gunfights and strange occurrences. He didn’t really have the energy for paperwork.
Tosh walked in and kissed him squarely on the jaw. She stepped back.
“What?” Owen sputtered.
“Bloid! Blood wvrywhere! Blood, squishy, flesh, ylejshyn blood! AARGHRG!! Arthurnn!!” Tosh exclaimed, running off.
“What?!” Owen yelled.
Something was definitely wrong here.
Owen got up and began to search the hub for the others. Tosh was acting incredibly strangely. Owen had to know. Had she been exposed to some kind of alien neuro-toxin? Had another member of the team started shagging her? Why were these the first two options that readily came to his mind?
“Ianto! Ianto, what’s going on?” Owen asked, walking up to him.
“No, Jack,” Ianto began, “i d ont kno want to date you. I am and always have been asexual.”
“Ianto?” Owen asked, still confused.
“Oh, hi, Owen!” Ianto said. “Ijust finished fist digitizing the Weegila with my new brass nuhckles!” He said happily. “Inam a find-ho actuon hero w hi pines lviolence! And is also asexxuall! How are you dining?”
Owen made a very confused face. “Um, Ianto. Have you seen anything strange lately?” He asked. Ianto shook his head.
Owen began to think to himself ominously. Something has affected Ianto and Tosh. I need to make sure Gwen is okay.
He ran to get to Gwen’s workstation.
Tosh walked in.
“Golyn,” Ianto said to Tosh. “Owen sure is actin g strange by!”
“I kn ow! It’s like he’s out o o f character!”
* * *
Owen arrived at Gwen’s workstation and was utterly baffled. Gwen was standing at her workstation in a full Nun outfit holding a crucifix in her hand, and reciting hymns.
“Oh, Gwen!” Owen yelled. “What is it with everyone today?”
“With the father son androgen holy epirit, I bless sue Oane Harper, ” Gwen said, ominously.
“Gwen! Come on now! There’s no way you’re religious! Hell! You’re having an affair with me right now for Christ’s sake!” Owen yelled.
“BALSNPOHEMBER! I am PURITAN, deid in acted to my bisbnad j the sight of Gondand I resent they improper inbcolaktions!”
Owen didn’t have the energy to correct her and mention that a Nun wouldn’t be married. He sat there and caught his breath.
What should he do? What could he possibly do?
I mean, all three of them are acting strangely, he thought to himself, but Torchwood is inherently strange. What can I do about it? I can’t tell if there’s any kind of influence or anything? What can I do? Wait- Is it limited to the Hub?
Owen rushed outside.
* * *
Sargeant Andy Davidson sat nearby, drinking his coffee, when suddenly a madman came up to him and started yelling. What was his name again? One of the Torchwood blokes. Owen Harper?
“Sargnevt! They’ve gone mbsd! They have Jesujs and tbehywant blood and are asexual! Sadganet, You Have To Hkep Me!”
Andy rolled up his window. “Maybe lay off the drink, mate.” He commented, and Owen continued screaming. He picked up his radio. “Gwen,” he said, ringing the phone, “Something’s up with uh, your mate Owen? He’s up here, kickin and screamin.”
Gwen answered the phone. “Yeah.” She said. “It’s strange. I think there’s something up with all of us… Oh! Oh Shit! Hold on a minute! Tosh just ate a stapler!”
* * *
Gwen came up and picked up Owen.
“Gener, I am a nice perosn who lieks rainbows and chicknes and bitlerkfiss and cucklydy wuglny hugs-” Owen mumbled.
Gwen made a concerned face. “Yeah, sure. Breathe, Owen. Come on.”
“Gwen, if you don’t mind me asking,” Andy began, “What’s going on?”
Gwen bit her lip. “Torchwood’s gone mad.”
* * *
Gwen came back into the Hub. She placed Owen back on her desk. “Tosh!” She yelled.
Tosh had a gun and was eating some kind of raw meat. When Gwen tried to move closer, Tosh hissed.
Gwen moved back to her desk, but found herself drawn to a pair of strange beads on her desk.
* * *
Ianto was up to make the team some coffee when suddenly he saw Gwen holding up a Crusifix and clutching the Rosary beads she had been drawn to a moment before. “SaInt Michale the Aeachsndgel-de de sus in battle.. Be our protdncution against day the wikcnednes and an area of the devil; May God sheiks him, we hhhmbly pray-” Gwen yelled with all the subtlety of an atom bomb.
Owen was smiling happily and knitting a pink sweater in the corner.
Tosh… had broken into the medical safe and was drinking the blood samples.
Ianto sighed. “Oh shit…” He mumbled.
* * *
Ianto theorized what to do next. He had about three ideas when Andy rushed into the room wearing a hot pink ball gown. “LA LA AKJALAKA LAMLA LALALLA LAAAALALALlalaLa!” Ianto was beginning to consider how to deal with this crowd of insanity (plus Andy) when Tosh suddenly became lucid.
She coughed out a hairbrush that was in her mouth for some reason. “Ianto!!!” She yelled horrified. “What’s going on?! What’s going on!?”
Ianto bit his lip. “Torchwood has lost it. The best I can figure is some kind of force is reverting us to our opposite personalities!”
“And...Andy’s is opera?”
“Evidently.” Ianto muttered as Andy spat out whatever Bugs Bunny cartoon opera he was doing.
Tosh began to think. “You have any ideas?” She asked Ianto, politely, despite the fact that Torchwood in it’s entirety only has one brain cell and she has it most of the time.
Ianto decided to just go for the facts. “It’s been alternating between us. I’ve been an exuberant gung-ho asexual action hero, Owen comes from Build-A-Bear workshop, you’re a psychopath and Gwen is a catholic puritan.”
“Hm. Luckily Torchwood has a file on how to deal with possessions.” Tosh commented.
“But this does break the pattern. Before this, only one of us could maintain lucidity at a time while the others went rampant.”
“Well, something must have changed that. And well, the only difference now and then, is well, that for some reason, Andy Davison is in the hub. One of you speaking to him must have roped him into the loop of alternating personalities.” Tosh said efficiently.
“But meant about pinchjng thjngs? VIOLENS!” Ianto asked, now having reverted to his reverse personality.
“Alright? Who’s got their brain back now Ianto’s lost it?” Tosh yelled out.
Owen threw his newly knitten his pink scarf to the ground.
“Aw,” Tosh teased. “That really suited you.”
Owen growled.
“Now,” Tosh said, opening her computer laptop, “Torchwood’s file on possessions says a few things. It could be...what this file labels as...a Herald… a being that takes control of a person’s consciousness, but this one seems to interpret our personality in the wrong way. It’s trying to impersonate us. But something’s preventing it.”
Owen made a face. “I’m sorry, I’ve been knitting for the first half of the conversation. I’ve got no clue what you’re on about. Last thing I remember was going out to see Andy.”
“Ah, that makes sense. I’ll summarize. There are three aliens in here. Bouncing about and taking control of us. So, essentially-” Tosh fell over again.
“Blokd! Fleshy sq u ishy organs, boill em, mash em, stick em on a stew!” Screamed Tosh, launching herself at Owen.
The Other Heralds in the room switched slowly. From their usual opposite personalities...they suddenly also became hostile. Tosh, Gwen and Ianto moved forward towards Owen with their weaponry.
* * *
Of course, you may be aware of a particular herald. Her name is Ng. She works for Torchwood, eventually. But currently, there are three of them, and they’re bouncing through three of the currently five personalities in the room. Their natural solution is to knock out the people who become conscious. Then the room is entirely occupied by Heralds.
So, when Andy gains control from his herald, he starts screaming about what the heck is going on, and where are they and whatnot. This distracts the other Heralds. Who then stops attacking Owen and smash Andy over the head with a can of Retcon before he can remember what the base is and maintaining the continuity of future episodes. It’s incredibly convenient. It also adds one unconscious person to the equation. Now there’s only one person that isn’t a herald in the room.
* * *
The Ianto herald moved in to attack Owen with a brass knuckle. He was beginning to recreate Ianto’s personality, more steadily and slowly, but it still was jarring the differences between the two of them. The heralds just couldn’t quite manage it. But now they actually could manage the voice at least. “Owen! There’s really no hope in attempting to stop us now, you know.” Ianto said. “We will replace you. And then we will open the rift. And then the plot of Torchwood AAU and GAU will happen four series too early!”
Owen grunted. “You guys aren’t opening the rift!”
“Come now,” Gwen said, walking forward. “There isn’t much difference between you and us. Your personalities change offscreen all the time depending on the episode. Like....most of the time, actually. There’s not much out of character in us opening a rift, now is there?”
“There’s a difference between offscreen character development and Character Homicide!” Owen said, trying to kick Gwen, who hit him with a piece of religious iconography. “You guys don’t get it!”
The three of them surrounded Owen. They had him back to back against the rift manipulator. They raised their weapons to strike… and suddenly the heralds jumped.
Gwen gained consciousness as Owen was taken over by a herald, and then the other two heralds, thinking he was still Owen, knocked him out.
Tosh and Ianto looked at eachother. “Did we just win?” “Hooray!”
“Don’t count on it,” Gwen growled, swinging at them with her heavy crucifix’s, using them like weird daggers. Her habit billowed in a wind that came from nowhere. She swung at them so fast that it might have echoed back in the rift and through time and retroactively became the influence for the TV show The Flying Nun. They just cut out all of the bits with Welsh Ninja blasphemy.
But as she was about to, the bouncing occurred again, and Gwen was taken over by a herald, and Tosh who gained normal consciousness was suddenly hit by the heavy crucifix and knocked out.
Herald Gwen and Herald Ianto shrugged. “Did we just win?” “Hooray?”
They braced themselves for a Nun to attack them, which did not happen.
“Well.” said Herald Gwen. “I guess we do win. Let’s open that old rift then.” She said.
She nudged at the Rift manipulator. “Um, I have no clue how to work this.” She said. “I always assumed we’d force them to do it.”
“No clue either.” Said The Ianto Herald. “You want me to hop out of this body so you can threaten one of them into opening the rift by force?” He asked, incredibly stupidly.
“Sure.” The other Herald said equally stupidly. He did so.
Conscious Ianto resumed existing, and Herald Gwen made a frightening looking attack pose in her Nun outfit. “You will open the rift!” She exclaimed.
Ianto picked up a wrench and knocked her out.
“Oh no I had not foreseen this possibility!” said the Herald, falling over.
* * *
Jack Harkness returned from his episode long absence shortly after. Everyone was slightly different. This could be to do with the Heralds adjusting their personalities slightly from all the jumping about or it could be the aforementioned offscreen character development.
Nonetheless, for some reason there was religious iconography and valuables around Gwen’s work station, a Nun Habit on the hat stand, an ace-pride flag next to Ianto’s coffee maker, Owen had a pink scarf and Tosh suddenly had a lust for blood.
Either way, Captain Jack didn’t notice.
He was too busy contemplating becoming a terrorist.
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
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