NCJDDAS: The Elder Thing Part One

NCJDDAS: The Elder Thing

Part One Of Two

Chapter One

“Age is power,” said the Old One, leading the others through the temple. 

“Although you become frail, and your mind starts to go, and really, it’s kind of shit, 

the ultimate truth is those who live for centuries become unbeatable.”

He led the crowd behind them, his servants, and travelers that had come to this planet to see the sights, (the fools!) He and and his servants all decorated in tribal wooden masks, leaves and bead necklaces, they were some of the highest technologically advanced beings this side of the time lords. The facade would drop momentarily.

He kept walking, spouting his boring monologue to the crowd of tourists. “You see, my travelers, that’s what this old civilization thought. And like many before, they strived to live forever.”

“Live forever?” Perked up a disbelieving tourist. 

“Yes, they had an ancient cultural ritual where they sacrificed people to the gods in a prayer for longevity,” He continued, “me and my assistants are actually dressed up like them now. Look on the walls now, if you please. Graphic illustrations of death and sacrifice. Now, I don’t want you to worry, because we are in a very old stone pyramid right now, but...you see, you won’t be leaving it alive.” 

“What?” Asked the Tourists, screeching.

“No, I want you to stay calm.” He Said, Angrily. “Because you see, the old civilization we’re walking around, it isn’t archaeology, it’s alive right now. And you all are idiots. Because the old civilization is us.”

The screaming continued.

“The sacrifices work. We found immortality. We just need to take your lives to do it.” 

The screams grew louder, and then stopped. 

* * *

The TARDIS landed. Roman, as played by Sir Ian McKellen, got out.

"How do you suddenly look like Sir Ian McKellen ??" The Doctor asked Roman.

Roman muttered something about the Illuminati and they moved on.

"So, Doctor? What kind of place is it? I hope you've brought me somewhere fun!" said Danny, walking out of the TARDIS. 

"Are you okay, Danny?" The Doctor asked.

"Aw, Doc, I've never been better! Season Three is excellent so far, a real return to the series' roots!"

The Doctor hit Danny with a crowbar. 

"Doctor, I sense something. Some kind of psychic residue." Roman growled. 

"Psychic Residue?" The Doctor asked. "Why, that's my third favorite kind of residue!"

"Do stop being pedantic," Roman said, "This planet is beginning to worry me."

"Why, it's only some kind of jungle." The Doctor said, wandering over to a vine laden rock. "Remarkably reminiscent of thousands of planets, incredibly basic environmental status, early development, peak nature. Nothing here to worry about, Roman."

"I will quote you on this." Replied Roman, noting the time and date. 

Danny perked up. "Golly, Doctor, it reminds me of that time I visited South America while I was filming Jumanji 2!"

"You aren't actually Danny Devito, Danny."

"Oh, I keep forgetting." 

"You sure you're alright? We had a fairly traumatic incident three stories back, and you spent another one sulking, so really it hasn't been long at all since you've been reminded of your past and rejected melodramatically by your own mother," The Doctor reminded.

"Gee, thanks." Responded Danny. 

Roman continued scanning the environment worriedly. "Civilization this way." He muttered, pointing, and The Doctor bounded in front of him, slamming a safari hat on his worried brow. 

Danny grabbed a safari hat from the Doctor as well, confused to himself.

Was he Sammy Winters or Danny Devito? Which one was more him? He hardly acted like the celebrity, had the energy of a young man, and he felt like his own person - at least, he sort of did, didn't he? He forged on, pushing away these doubts. The NCJDDAS were happy comedy stories, and if he brought drama back into them again, The Doctor would attack him with a cheese-grater. 

They wandered into a clearing. 

Several primitive style Tepees stood throughout it, and there was a road leading through the primitive campground, where an empty tour bus lay, labelled 'Mayan Tours, Stereotypical Mayan Archetecture on this random alien planet, wow, that's cool', which Roman and The Doctor looked at with doubt.

"What's a tour bus doing here?" The Doctor muttered to herself.

"This place evidently isn't as ancient as we thought, just a planet that's been preserved for modern..."

Roman spat out the word. "Tourists." 

"I'm here too," said Danny, happily reminding them. "Perhaps you two brains could tell me any theories?" 

Roman muttered the Noise, Noise, Noise line from How The Grinch Stole Christmas. 

"He really doesn't like Tourists." The Doctor said. "And this is strange. It's almost entirely untouched, no Popsicle or hot dog stands or anything that Tourism usually entails." 

Men began marching from behind a corner wearing elaborate ornamental masks. 

They snapped around, as Roman, The Doctor and Danny stood by the bus, and lowered their spears, to charge. 

* * *

The Doctor and Danny rushed to the side, at a split second reaction, as Roman was grabbed by a spear-wielding fake Mayan. 

"Hey guys!" said the fake mayan, still holding the spear at Roman's throat threateningly. 

"Have you ever considered sacrificing yourself to the old gods to lengthen our longevity! The pay's great!" 

"How good?" The Doctor asked, forgetting the genre for a moment.

"Yeah, if you get sacrificed to the old gods in the lava pit, we give you loads of money, you should totally try it!"

"Define loads." The Doctor continued, conversationally.

"Doctor!" Danny chastised, trying to remind her they were being threatened by a tribal warrior.

"Yes, any time now, Doctor," Roman grunted from the warriors grasp. 

"No, I'm legit interested." The Doctor said. "How much money do I get out of being sacrificed to an ancient malevolent alien tribal god?"

The Fake Alien Mayan Man sort of mumbled that he didn't have all of the details really, and it was better for all parties if she would just die for the benefit of the Great One.

"Oh, fine..." The Doctor grunted, taking out a staser and shooting several of the guards in the chest. 

"Doctor!" complained Roman.

"Yay, Murder!" Cheered Danny.

"What, are you mad I'm carrying a gun again?"  

"No, fuck, you almost hit me.." Roman whined. 

"Regenerate it off."

"No!" 

The Old One watched them. It whispered to it's followers. "The Men. Bring Them To Me." It growled. 

Guards came out of the Mayan Pyramid, in full tribal regalia, brandishing guns.

The Doctor paused the story. "Hold on." She said to Roman and Danny. "Why is everything in this story being described as Mayan? Surely that's cultural appropriation, of some sort, or at the very least laziness on the part of the author for being unable to accurately describe an alien culture's ancient ruin pyramids! I am incredibly offended at this inappropriate nature towards the Mayan people and their descendants!"

Roman sighed. "Look, can we just fucking run away already?" 

The Doctor dropped her's out of surprise, and rushed towards the trees. "Run!" She gasped.

Staser fire rushed at them, as The Doctor barrelled into the trees, Roman and Danny behind her.

But then the shots connected, and Roman and Danny fell to the ground, and the tribalists grabbed them. 

The Doctor could do nothing but run away. 

That's what she did. 

* * * 

Danny and Roman marched in chains, through the Pyramid's dark hallways, surrounded by guards.

"A fine mess we're in." Roman said.

"Oh, come on, Roman! The Doctor will rescue us! She always does!" Danny smiled, despite himself.

"If there's one thing I believe in, it's her!" 

"I think I'll just ignore that." Roman said, yawning. "I'll get us out of this myself." 

The Old One led them to the central chamber.

It opened into a shaft, which led down into an underground cavern, which they trembled down into on a thin rope ladder. Beneath them now was a shadowy temple of doom ripoff, where men in red robes cast green magic rays on people, draining them of their essence. 

"What do you harvest here? Life energy?" Roman muttered. 

"Sense of Humor," The Old One growled, opening up a nasty spear-staff-tongs like weapon of magic death. 

Danny laughed. "No, really."

"No, the way to obtain immortality is bad jokes. We need bad jokes, and fast. You first." 

He pointed at Roman.

"I don't know any jokes." Roman said. 

The Old One raised an eyebrow, and showed Roman the clip from Temple of Doom where the heart is torn out on a monitor. 

Roman gulped and began his attempt. "You see, there's this chicken. And he's gotta cross the road, right? So he moves across the street, an oncoming car hits him, and he gets severe brain damage. He's hospitalized, but he's poor, and suffering, and doesn't have any money to care for any medical damage, so the Chicken is thrown back out onto the street, bleeding out, and he lies there, with his family all around him, not knowing what they can do, trying to help him, but they can't, and he bleeds to death slowly, with his children crying all around him." 

"Jesus Christ, Roman!" Danny exclaimed, an emotional wreck.

"What about him?" Roman asked innocently, but he had inadvertently made a good bad joke. 

A giant green ray hit Roman in the chest, and he screamed in pain. "Thank you for the bad joke." The Old One said. "We will soon have enough energy to awaken our great god, the Elder Thing, who will feed our immortality and cleanse this universe of all non-believers. You are the last one we require, Danny Devito. Or Should I say, Sammy Winters. We know the truth. We see your mind. We see your pain. You will tell us. And the great almighty Archetrix will rise - he will rise and he will tear his world to shreds!!" 

Danny shuddered. 

He began to tell his joke...

To Be Continued...

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred 

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Sir Ian McKellen as Roman II

Danny Devito as Danny/Sammy Winters

Temurra Morrison as The Old One

and

Stock Footage of Harrison Ford In Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom