NCJDDAS: A God's Interlude

From A Prompt By Smappy

NCJDDAS: A God's Interlude

Previously On Doctor Who...

The Doctor, and her companions Roman and Danny had placed on a cruiseliner, where a sadistic country incarnation of the Master revealed she had manipulated them for probably eight episodes at this point. Then Twenty Different Versions Of The Master revealed themselves to be working in an ultimate evil alliance with the Rani, and proceeded to shoot Roman in the chest and knock the Doctor out, while contemplating an evil plan to take revenge upon her...

But You Don't Care About That
No, no, I'm pretty sure you'd prefer this episode to be something completely different so you could sit and wait on that cliffhanger for a while...
I'm positive that's exactly what you want.
I present you a new story, an interlude if you will...
A God's Interlude.

Chapter One

This story takes place between Heaven Bent and Tinker Tailor, Master, Spy

The Doctor, Danny and Roman sat at the TARDIS console, observing as the Doctor pressed button after button, preparing for when the Doctor would land in a new locale.
Danny and Roman didn't get along. They were trying their best to ignore each other.
This was like trying to ignore a famous celebrity if they were right next to you. Like trying to ignore Patrick Stewart and Danny Devito.
Going pretty well, all things considered.

The Doctor hummed the opening chords to Everything's Coming Up Roses, as she fiddled with the TARDIS console. "Well," she said. "The TARDIS is on buffer. Whole thing is wired up. As if It's scared about something. We aren't going anywhere for a while. Come on, Guys. Show each other a little respect."

Danny looked at Roman as if he were a rotten vegetable on a child's plate.
Before they said anything, a voice rang out.
"Doctor!" An otherworldly boom rang through the console room.
"This is a STARCORP 10,000 message from the heads at Starcorp congratulating you on having saved your trillionth person!" 

"Starcorp?" the Doctor growled. "I don't care for you guys, I'm sorry. And how did I save my trillionth person just now?"

"By Being In The Same Room as Danny and Roman, you provide a witness to any potential murder that could have occurred between the two of them, discouraging one of them from such an attempt!"
The heavenly voice cried out.

The Doctor shrugged. Average Day. "Sure. Thanks. You can go now."

"You misunderstand." said The heavenly voice. "Having saved one trillion people from death puts you in a special club, known only to a few, and thanks to a special offer from STARCORP, you have ascended to become a God." 

"A God?" Danny asked, bewildered.
The Doctor and Roman were equally surprised. This didn't make much sense at all.

"STARCORP is in fact a Shell Company owned by The Beige Guardian. He has promoted you to 
the level of literal omnipotence, Doctor. You may now do as you please. We will just require you to give us a small amount of background information." 

"I thought Howie Milverton owned Starcorp." Muttered The Doctor, confused.

"Cease That Train of thought this instant, Motherfucker," said The Heavenly voice in an exceedingly polite tone. "Now, we would like you to list locations to be designated as your Churches, your chosen Apostles, and High Priests, and finally your Herald, to be given the power of a God equivalent to yourself." 

"What if I don't want this?" The Doctor asked, as Danny started screaming. "OF COURSE YOU WANT IT! IT'S LITERAL OMNIPOTENCE! SIGN UP FOR IT, DEAR LORD!"

"This Godship is compulsory. Any and all deviants shall be Killed. You of course, would be mourned quite greatly." 

"Comforting." Mumbled The Doctor.

Chapter Two

The Doctor, wandered toward the Heavenly Light that was eminating the strange ethereal voice that spoke to her.
"What are you, exactly?"
"I'm Michael Sheen. I got promoted to God three years back. Evidently I'm A National Treasure Or Something."

"Yeah," said The Doctor. "Well, I suppose you can just kill me then. I don't want to be a God."

"Ah, well if you hold steadfast. I'm positive Fenric or Sutekh would be glad to have their powers raised to a higher level." 

"No, NO NOOO," said The Doctor. "Do not do that! Do not socially pressure me, Michael Sheen!"

"Well, then, let's start with the Churches." The Voice of Michael Sheen said. "What do you want as the religious iconography of your church, regular hours of worship, and all that."

"Well..." said The Doctor, still trying to bluff out of this, "I would like the central concept of my belief to be that I am not a God, that I do not have any churches and my followers do not have to do anything whatsoever."

"Hmm, Yeah, Nice, How about a easy start with 10 Billion Churches situated in the upper Spiral Arm of the Cosmos, each the size of a planet, and trillions of worshipers and Nuns and whatnot literally thinking about nothing but you for the rest of their lives."

"Jesus, I don't want to be a Fandom!" Complained The Doctor. "None of that!"

"Marking you down for the Nuns..." continued the pleasantly infuriating voice.

The Doctor rolled her eyes, walked over to Danny and Roman and sulked. 

“Can I be a God?” Asked Danny, unaware of the socially correct way to ask for omnipotence. 

Michael Sheen sighed. “Unfortunately, you have killed more people than those saved.”

“Aw, it was just one firebombing!!” Whined Danny. 

"But that does remind me of the subject of your herald, Doctor." Michael Sheen said.

"Your Servant Specifically Chosen By You Will Have Infinite Power. And It Could Be Anyone."

Chapter Three

"OOOH, OOH, PICK ME!" screamed Danny, rushing forward.

Roman strolled forward to the Doctor, casually. "I'm certain we know, actually, with all due respect, who is more suited to such a position. I would create multiversal peace, infinite prosperity and kindness between all, and economics that would sustain civilizations for thousands of generations."

He smugly smiled.

"I'd make a pinball machine made out of blackjack, and gay hookers, and a giant pterodactyl made out of fire, with a bunch of headless naked people making godless love to the physical manifestation of death while riding giant motorcycles made out of electric guitars! It'd be so rad!" screamed Danny excitedly. 

The Doctor considered.

{THE REMAINDER OF CHAPTER THREE HAS BEEN CENSORED ACCORDING TO HUMAN RIGHTS LAWS AS DECIDED BY THE GENEVA CONVENTION.}

Chapter Four

"That was incredibly stupid," said Roman, brushing Monkey's blood off of his tunic, as Carly Simon sang both Do You Hear The People Sing and Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer at the same time.

A fire Pterodactyl glided above them.

"Yeah, it was very convenient how Michael Sheen decided that me and Danny were both ineligible for infinite power based off of Danny's disturbing repressed desires made flesh. It was a good thing it only took five minutes for him to figure it out." The Doctor summed up. She nudged a demon fish into the corner.

"Yep, that was very convenient how he said FUCK THIS, and left." agreed Roman.

Danny meanwhile was making out with John Cena's newly created gay doppelganger.

"Yeah, this'll take a while to clean up." said The Doctor, pushing away a purple llama with bluetooth headphones for teeth and a unicorn horn made out of the physical manifestation of the sound of screaming.

"I hope you learned something from this," Roman growled. "Chaos is always inferior to order, AKA I'm cooler than Danny."

"Nah," said The Doctor, "We did get a cool pinball machine out of this."

The Camera Zoomed Out, and they all laughed together horrifically like a sitcom.

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor

Sir Patrick Stewart as Roman

Danny Devito as Danny

Michael Sheen as Himself

John Cena as Gay John Cena