NCJDDAS: The Box
NCJDDAS: The Box
Starring Judi Dench, Danny Devito and Patrick Stewart
Introducing Martin Freeman as Todd
Story takes place between How the Monk Got His Habit Back and Judi Dench Never Dies
Chapter One
"GUYS! GUYS!" The Doctor proclaimed. "Come quick!"
She whisked a curtain off of a small cardboard box. "Ta-Da!" She paused, dramatically.
Danny and Roman looked at the Doctor oddly.
"Look, guys, so, my timeline is a mess, and doesn't really have many places I can just randomly meet another companion and have my timeline go on with NCJDDAS stories for a billion years."
Danny shrugged. "So?"
"What?! Variety in a series is exceedingly important. Especially since said series has now killed me off and all of the stories take place across my timeline."
"How do you know that?" Roman grumbled.
"I know everything." The Doctor said, straight-laced.
She paused.
"Someday, I will kill god." She said, in a tone that had no sense of comedy whatsoever.
There was a brutal moment of silence again, until she began jabbering on as usual.
"I have henceforth, come up with a solution to the lack of variety in this series, and a way that the show can go on forever without fucking up my timeline."
She lifted the cardboard boxes lid.
"Danny, get in the box."
"What?!?!?"
"Danny, get in the fucking box."
Danny whined as the Doctor shoved him inside the small box. She folded his legs into the box.
"Um, Doctor, this box isn't bigger on the inside."
"No," said the Doctor, taping the box shut with duct tape.
Roman looked at the Doctor and the box oddly.
"TA-DA!" The Doctor screamed, waving her hands in front of the box like a broadway dancer.
"I still don't get it." Roman said.
"What? I have one companion, and one companion in the box. I will now place him on a shelf for a few months, while we travel with a different companion and I'll take him out later. Timeline is completely preserved."
"This is really uncomfortable." Danny said from inside the box.
"Boxes do not talk." The Doctor said strictly, placing Danny in the box on her shelf.
"This is even more an egregious Fourth Wall Break than usual, Doctor. We don't want to take anyone out of the immersion of the story."
"Immersion? NCJDDAS?" The Doctor laughed hysterically for three minutes straight. "Come on. Let's go find a new companion, Roman. Or we could travel alone for a few stories. Or I could put you in the box."
"Doctor, please-" Roman began.
"BOX!" The Doctor screamed, pulling the TARDIS's dematerialization lever.
Chapter Two
Todd Milverton never liked his brother.
He liked him even less when he became a psychopathic business executive that attempted to use androids to conquer the galaxy.
He didn't like that at all.
It was bad for reputation.
Reputation was what mattered on the Planet Reginus. You were in, or you were, achem...out. Someone had made a tiny little Shute they shoved you down if you weren't popular enough.
As such, the planet was mostly inhabited by Instagram Influencers who were blonde and wore pink.
He had owned an apartment before the Influencers took over. Nice cheap flat. Unlike his brother, he wasn't one for Grandstanding.
He was now in line to be shoved down what the women in pink called 'the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death.'
"Achem, um, sorry to interrupt, but is there any way out of this, exactly?" He stated, meekly.
"You can go viral." One of the guards said, tapping on her phone.
"Um, what does one do, exactly, if they don't, um, actually have a phone?"
The girl stared at him. "Blasphemer. Into the Pit." She stated, her chirpy voice dropping many decibels.
"Right, um, thank you." Todd said politely.
You had to be polite at times like these. It was the responsible thing to do.
* * *
In every clique in the movies, there is the mythic clique. The one that is so absolutely impossible to exist that it does. Rich, pretty, blah, blah, blah.
On every planet, there's always status. Status is the most important thing, and one group has it all in these gloriously simplified teen dramas.
The Pinks are the most successful clique in reality. Most Cliques settle for a school or a mall.
The Pinks thought that they'd go ahead and take a planet.
* * *
The Doctor landed the TARDIS on top of a guard, squashing her to death.
The Doctor stepped out, smiling, in a good mood. "Hiiiii!" She called to the Guards.
The remaining 'Pinks' guards all violently pointed as many weapons at the Doctor as physically possible, and Roman stepped out of the TARDIS.
"Ah." He said, amiably. "Doctor, I'm really quite impressed with how fast you managed it this time."
"Roman, shut up." The Doctor muttered.
"You have crushed the great honorable general Tiffany!" The 'Pinks' Commander shrieked. "Maurecia! Lock them up this instant!"
"Yes, Admiral Stephanie!" Maurecia shrieked, handcuffing the Doctor. She walked up to Roman.
"Oh, no, I'm not with her," he said dismissively, and surprisingly, they bought it. The Doctor shrieked and moaned as they dragged her away.
Roman got out his phone and tapped at it, as he went to go buy something pink.
Chapter Three
"Hello," attempted Todd, awkwardly. "What are, uh, you in for?" He joked.
The dark-haired Woman behind him scowled. "We're all here for the same thing, dickweed." She muttered.
Todd chewed on his bottom lip for a moment. "So, not being, um, hip with the kids?"
A red-haired woman popped up from behind the goth woman. "Oh, come on. Anyone who says Hip with the kids isn't hip with the kids, now are they?!"
Todd sighed. He really was getting bad at conversation.
He heard a weirdly humorous scream as a man was chucked down the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death.
He felt very disturbed. "So, absolutely no way out of this, huh?"
A Dramatic Voice From Behind Him, as a white-haired woman was escorted into the line. "Oh, I'm not so sure about that. Ah! Hello, undesirables. I'm the Doctor. This planet is rubbish."
"Oh, hello." Todd said amiably. "Todd."
"Huh." The Doctor said, looking at Todd. "I seem to recall shooting someone who looks exactly like you in the head and sending them to prison." She paused.
"Oh, yeah," Todd feigned. "Uh, one of those faces, I guess."
"No, no, no, it's you! Howie! Howie Milverton as I live and breathe, I cannot believe we ended up in the same death camp!"
"Name's Todd. Howie's my brother."
"Relax, Howie." The Doctor said. "I dismantle stupid societies like this all the time. I have absolutely no respect for any form of government that doesn't obey me. We'll be totally fine."
A Red-shirt was shuffled into the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death.
"Ooh, that looks like fun!" The Doctor cheered, losing track of the moment.
* * *
Roman, dressed in a hot pink skirt, feather boa and exceedingly fashionable Kentucky Derby hat strolled into the mall, holding a pink pocket book.
"Hello ladies," he said as cattily as possible.
"What are you doing here?!" A Pink member snapped. She was asian, with gorgeous dark hair. Probably the leader of this bunch.
"Oh, come now dearest, I was the Queen Bee of Fashion on Gallifrey." Roman purred.
"You're like...eighty!" One of the other Pinks hissed back.
"Eight Thousand Two Hundred and Sixty Three." Roman replied. "And Damn fabulous."
One of the Pinks sighed, clearly aware that Roman being cast as a reject from Mean Girls is in fact the most ridiculous and awful thing this series has ever done.
Roman then proceeded to sit down at an nearby table as confused people came over to question what the heck was even going on.
People slowly came and poured over, and sat down with him as the nearby Pinks made faces.
"You can't sit here!" He called to the Pinks.
* * *
"So, Howie-"
"Todd-" Todd corrected.
"I geniunely think this whole thing is ridiculous." The Doctor said, bluntly.
...The entire universe went silent for a moment.
"Yes, I know, it's me saying that," The Doctor sighed, self aware as usual. "But, like, really. This takes Planet of Hats to a new level. I found small scale cliques holding power in movies to be somewhat silly. But it just seems so stereotyped, the pink, the phones, the 'you have to fit in or you get blown to bits' allegory. Like really, I honestly think something's up here."
Todd nodded, politely.
He waited a moment, and then it sank in. "Um, sorry, who are you? I...never really got to-"
"...Seriously. You seriously don't know who I am. Never heard of me." The Doctor commented, disappointed. "These days I usually just have to say 'woah boy I'm the Doctor yeehaw' at some point in my dialogue and everybody instantly knows who I am. A girl works hard on that reputation."
"Five seconds ago you were saying reputation doesn't matter and this place is cliche." Todd commented.
"Yes, but I have an ego." The Doctor said. "It's my thing, I'm the quirky ego lady."
Another screaming innocent was shuffled into the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death.
"Wow, how many people till this line runs out?" The Doctor said, suddenly nervous.
"Six."
More Screaming.
"Five." Todd corrected himself.
"Thanks, I can't count." The Doctor smiled.
Chapter Four
"So, Howie, what's on your bucket list?" The Doctor asked.
"Living."
"Eh, this number of guards, no sonic screwdriver, coupled with the fact that it would be really funny if I died horribly right now means that's a slim chance. Anything you can get accomplished right here? By any chance have you always had a deep-seated wish to be slapped by Judi Dench? I can't think of much I can help with."
"Always wanted to explore. Go on Holiday."
"Cool for you, Howie." The Doctor said. "Tell you what, if we get out of here, which is like a 0% chance, because like, I have ALWAYS wanted to die by something called the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death- I could take you for a trip in my time and space machine."
"Gee, thanks." Todd said, enthused. "Once again though, perhaps I should reiterate my name is Todd."
"Best I can remember is 'person not named Howie.'" The Doctor responded.
Todd sighed. "You really do know how much of a jerk you are, right?"
"Aw gee, we're gonna get along great."
The conveyor belt beeped and grinded to a halt as all of the guards suddenly threw their chairs on the ground.
"...What?" The Doctor sighed. "I don't get to die from something called the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death? I'm disappointed."
"Government Reform! Evidently some Roman individual is the most stylish and totes in right now, so the Pinks are reforming under his command."
The Doctor yelled. "You mean to say you're putting Roman in charge? Could we please go back to the genocidal tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death form of leadership? It sounds more appealing!"
Epilogue:
"This seems horribly rushed." The Doctor said, banging her head against the wall.
"Pointing out problems with your plot doesn't mean that fixes them." Todd tried helping, but the Doctor groaned.
"Seriously, this is like Wesley Crusher saving the Enterprise right here! Roman? Saving the day? In My NCJDDAS?"
"You didn't seem all that willing to do much work to rescue anyone from the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death." Todd pointed out.
"Because it was awesome." The Doctor sighed, irritated.
Roman came up to the Doctor and Todd in his Pink ensemble.
"oh my god roman i stand corrected that costume is awesome please wear it all the time" the doctor said, awestruck.
"Nah, it only really works as a one-episode gag," Roman said, tearing the skirt off and placing it on the floor.
Suddenly the crowd of Pinks behind them went rabid that their leader had dejected them.
"QUICK FUCK GET IN THE TARDIS" Roman yelled.
And the Doctor, Roman and Todd all ran into the TARDIS, as the screaming hordes of angry fangirls roared, and the sounds of the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death being restarted resounded from the depths.
* * *
"Say hi to the TARDIS, Person that is not named Howie." The Doctor said, presenting the TARDIS to Howie.
"Oh, wow, it's a TARDIS." Todd said.
"Great, the TARDIS introduction scene is over, I always hate having to have those." The Doctor said. "Shall we go?"
The Doctor pulled the lever, and Roman, The Doctor and Todd descended into space as a box on a nearby shelf groaned uncomfortably.
The End
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