(PARODY AMONG US): 7.9 The Inquiry
Torchwood Parody Among Us
7.9 The Inquiry
Starring Scarlett Johansson , Tracy Ann Oberman and Ben Mendelsohn with Jason Hughes
and D'Arcy Carden, Cher, Lisa Kudrow, Ian Alexander
Previously On Torchwood
As the Committee grew more aggressive in bombing Cardiff, Ash defeated one of their bombers from destroying Cardiff. Just as things are looking up, Cherry Classified, top Torchwood agent arrives out of the blue with two of their missing agents.
Now
"Cherry Classified? Is that really your name?" The crowd of agents made confused faces as Cherry strolled down the stairs.
Cherry smirked. "Yes it is. And every time someone asks me that question going further, I'll get just a tiny bit more pissed off. Nice to meet you all. I'm pleased with the progress I've been hearing from Ms. Hartman, but let's just say I'm not pleased enough. I've sent Anastasia and Colchester home while they recover, but we have a lot to deal with."
Yvonne put her hands on her hips. "And what does that mean?"
"Pending my review you may be relieved of duty." Cherry said, nonplussed. Silence.
All eyes were on her. She couldn't really deal with everyone looking at her like that.
Cherry rose her hands. "Hey. Nothing Personal." She said, a bit awkwardly. "Let's take this from the top."
Hunter sighed, sitting back down at his desk. Well. Today was certainly something. First the firebombings, then whoever Cherry Classified was. He didn't like her. She'd been appointed to the position by some "Roman" guy, and he didn't trust that as credentials. Not to mention according to these records, she was both not a director and also missing since the 1920s. And how did she show up with their two missing agents? It all didn't add up.
Yvonne came over to Hunter's desk and quietly tapped on it. "Hunter, I need you to do something for me."
Hunter blinked for a moment. "Yvonne, I would prefer our work to be professional-"
Yvonne groaned. "Oh god no, Hunter. As if." She sighed heavily. "There's a little something I need you to take care of on Flat Holm."
* * *
It had been quite long for a day trip, but Hunter had taken it. Ferry to the Island. Walk past the abandoned base, and to the even more decrepid light house. To the top of the light house, slowly and surely up the rackety steps and to the top room, heated with the light of the lens of the lighthouse, to find a stationary woman at the top of the tower.
The woman turned. "I am Object One." She said.
Hunter froze. "...Object One?"
"And I am Torchwood."
* * *
Marsha Classified entered the hub. "Hey, lovey!" She called to Cherry, setting up a space in the spare office. "This place, is, like, so crazy! It's floating above half of Cardiff and half the walls are invisible!"
"You're dealing with it pretty well." Cherry said, calmly sorting papers.
"Anything's normal after what we've been through." Marsha said, happily, giving Cherry a hug. "So, what's going on?"
"Reviewing Yvonne Hartman's conduct and the stability of her current team." Cherry said. "Could you be a dear and bring one of them in? I have quite a few questions."
* * *
Stacy was making herself a coffee when Marsha came up behind her. "Hiiiiiiiiiiii!" Marsha said.
Woah. Stacy turned. "Hi, um, nice to meet you? Stacy Richardson, Torchwood Coffee."
"Nice to meet you!! Marsha Classified, Torchwood, and I love Coffee!"
Stacy stared. It was almost like looking in a mirror. Before her marriage had fallen apart, before she had learned how to interact with people better - uncanny.
Oh wow, she couldn't stand her.
"Could you, like, please come this way?" Marsha squeaked.
Stacy followed.
* * *
Cherry's office was already neat and functional, although there was a box of discheveled papers and a potted plant that needed some desperate attention, Stacy noticed, as she walked in.
"Stacy Richardson," Cherry said. "The noble Torchwood Coffee Intern. Take a seat."
"Not much of a noble role at the moment," Stacy said, a bit morose.
"What's wrong?"
"No offense, but you're, you're like, reviewing me, and whatnot. Whether I have what it takes. And I personally don't think I do."
Cherry sighed. "I was once a coffee girl, just another Torchwood flapper, when in very quick succession I recieved an implant from the future designed by Toshiko Sato, and I met the Doctor. Since then, I've been pretty good at seeing whether people have potential." Cherry moved over to the disheveled plant and watered it. "I'm not the same 20s slang spouting, shoot shoot gun gun woman I was."
"I'll believe it when I see it," Stacy said. "And isn't this about Yvonne?"
"It's about her team. What people think of her. And It's about Richardson. You're his wife."
"Not anymore. Separated." Stacy said. "I'm not even sure why I'm still here, seeing the bastard every day like this. It hurts. And when you just do the Coffee and two missions a month, I don't feel it myself."
"Another quick question. Richardson appeared out of nowhere a few months ago, and re-established himself as a millionaire in a few minutes flat. Where did he come from? What happened to him at Torchwood Four that made it all disappear?"
"I was there, and I don't know." Stacy replied. "Richardson keeps his own secrets, and he doesn't tell me anything. Never did, even when he was the big man in charge and not just some guy that funds Torchwood now."
"He never told you anything?"
"It's partially why I said yes to joining Torchwood Three. Wanted to be in on the loop, but he told me less after I joined. The Man is hurtful, the man is quiet, and I don't know what I ever saw in him. If it wasn't for Ash and Anastasia, I wouldn't be here. No one but them treats me well, anyway."
"Exactly. How can you work with him like this? How can a team function if two members are already at each other's throat, and you work for your ex?" Cherry sighed. "I'm not liking what I'm seeing of this team, Stacy. But I like you."
* * *
Stacy stepped out of the office with a badge on her pink sweater. She walked over to the cafeteria, and to Richardson. She handed him a coffee cup with some force. "I've been promoted. Make your own damn coffee." And she strolled off without another word.
* * *
Ash sidled into Cherry's office, wrapped in a fluffy blanket.
"You cold?" Cherry asked.
"I like soft things." Ash replied. "Helps me get out of my own skin."
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think Torchwood on the whole is very soft these days." Cherry sighed. "Team structures don't always work if they're hard-boiled."
"Yvonne is a hell of a leader." Ash said.
"You like her?"
"I do." Ash said. "Simple as that. I value efficiency. I like it when I get things to work. I get annoyed if they don't. And Yvonne keeps things working. She may not care for the whole social bit of the thing- well, she says she's a 'people person' all the time, as if, but if I can do my job without my bosses getting in the way, I'm personally happy."
"Practically a glowing review."
"I'm a glowing person." Ash replied. "Metaphorically speaking." He paused, then suddenly showing interest again. "By the way, where did you get those earrings?"
Flat Holm
Hunter stared as Object One moved across the Lighthouse room. She was bright - absolutely incandescent, as she serenely waltzed from her newly set up tables to tables. They all had alien or Torchwood items on it, crystalline structures, Object One was doing something to them.
"I am here to assist Torchwood. I have been assigned to upgrade these Torchwood devices and improve their functioning quality. I believe you have been sent here to retrieve the items Yvonne asked for?"
Hunter slowly nodded, staring at her. She was horrifying. She was the Committee, she was everything Torchwood was against.
Object One, smiling smoothly, elegantly handed him a paper bag with a flux discriminator in it.
Hunter tried to stay calm as he walked out of the lighthouse.
Wrong. That was Wrong. Wrong Wrong Wrong Wrong
Have to stop her
Have to
The Hub
"Richardson. I've heard quite a lot about you from your fellow agents. The new co-leader of Torchwood Three. Former leader of Torchwood Four - which went missing quite some time ago."
"From before all of this, certainly." Richardson replied, sharply. "When I was in charge, Torchwood One was still operational, and Yvonne wasn't from another universe."
"Another universe?"
"You didn't know? Two Yvonnes. One Dead, One Alive. Mostly Identical, but this one is a bit more snippy." He took a breath. "Might be just me thinking that though."
"Where did you come from? Where was Torchwood Four all these years?"
"Stacy was with me when we arrived, and even she doesn't know. Why do you think that I do?"
"Because you're a mysterious bastard."
"That's fair. You've heard of Butterfli coding software? I invented it. It's efficient, it's harmless, and it's granted me millions because it's that far ahead of the curve. It's also everywhere in Cardiff. Everything runs off it. And a lot of people from across the UK have updated too. That's where I was. I was making it."
"That doesn't explain-"
"I was making it inside the rift."
* * *
"New Years Eve, 1999. We got a message. We got a message from the future. Alex Hopkins, leader of Torchwood Three. That was the night he broke. He killed every single member of his team, one by one, and he insisted he did it because it was the compassionate thing to do. Because he had lost his mind from what he saw. He saw the Miracle, the 456, the Sorvix, God, Cardiff destroyed, who knows what else? He knew it was all happening. He said the Twenty First Century is when everything changes, and Humanity would have to be ready.
And so I decided to be ready. I knew that in some time, Torchwood would collapse - that there was no way for it to go further. After the God incident, that's what happened. Yvonne had no more connections, and Jack was off elsewhere, running with his team, far away, and no one was defending Cardiff. Torchwood was gone.
But I had stepped into the Rift in 1999. I had invented a Rift capsule. Something that could sustain me in between the fabric of realities. And when I was almost ready to launch, someone stepped in. Stacy Richardson is not my wife. How could she be? She was a scientist, one that walked in on the Rift capsule when I started the experiment. And when I activated the psychic blast to send us into the rift, to return when Torchwood needed us most, she fell into the capsule and was sent to today with me. Luckily I had quite a lot of retcon, and a lot of sedative. While I waited for the time for Torchwood to return, I saw things, floating in the dark, and I learned from them. Invented code that could make me a billionaire, decades ahead of it's time. Waited. Prepared.
When the Twenty First Century had taken Torchwood down a peg, I was ready, and I stepped out of the capsule into a new dawn. Into a new mission. With a woman that thought she was my wife and code that allowed me to refund Torchwood, buy out the trial and save Yvonne Hartman. Build all of this base, and still be a millionaire after it.
I was ready, and you weren't, and I am here now to make things work. You can't fire me, Cherry Classified. I am the future, and I'm what's going to make Torchwood work again.
Any questions?
* * *
Cherry sat there, dumbfounded.
Richardson smirked, and sat up, and returned to his desk.
* * *
Hunter came back into the Office, and slammed into Yvonne's room. "What. The. Hell." He growled.
* * *
"Agent Brayden Hunter." Cherry said, smiling. "Nice to meet you."
"Wow," Hunter said. "You are right fit."
"And also a Lesbian that outranks you," Cherry smiled sweetly.
"Look, look, sorry, not the point, the point is Yvonne Hartman." Hunter said. "She's only gone and made a Torchwood Agent of Object Fucking One."
"Object One?" Cherry was stunned. "She couldn't have."
"Yvonne's worked for the Committee before. She's sunk to their level, she always says she learns, but it looks like, she never does! She's hired Torchwood's Number One enemy, a Dalek-Class world destroying weapon that just so happens to be so unlucky, it's destroyed Torchwood five times before. This isn't the only time she's gone and messed up, and-" Hunter placed his head in his hands, terrified. "With this sort of thing happening - she's compromised." Hunter made a fist. "And I almost don't want to say it, but She could still be working for them."
Cherry leaned back into the chair, exhausted, but determined. "Call her in."
* * *
"State your name for the record." Cherry intoned.
"Dame Yvonne Hartman, OBE. The knighthood is classified, I'd take care not to mention it."
"You're being dismissed." Cherry said.
"What?"
"Isn't it clear? You're dismissed. Along with any other agents we can't be sure about. Ash, Colchester, Anastasia-"
"They knew nothing about Object One." Yvonne said. "And I did the right thing." She turned to Hunter, all prim fury. "And Hunter- I thought you were loyal, I thought I could trust you." She purred. "Evidently not."
"Object One will be destroyed." Cherry said. "Any connections to the Committee will not be tolerated. As of now, 1800 hours, I am taking control of Torchwood Three using command protocol 9-47-Alpha. You are dismissed, Yvonne. It's over." She said, steely.
"I did what was right for this organization." Yvonne hissed. "You wouldn't be here right now if it wasn't for me, I-" She stopped herself. Then she pursed her mouth calmly, and stood.
"Tell me the truth, Yvonne, Why Did You Do It?"
"For Queen and Country," she said, and then she left the building.
* * *
"You can't fire all of them, Cherry. Torchwood's not going to work if you get rid of that many personnel." Hunter said.
Cherry narrowed her eyes. "What am I supposed to do?"
"If you fire Ash and Anastasia, I quit." Hunter said, calmly.
"I'll make my decision in the morning," Cherry said, overwhelmed. "Please. Give me a minute."
* * *
-- OPEN FILE --
TORCHWOOD THREE PERSONNEL
Command: HARTMAN, YVONNE : RICHARDSON, TOM
Field Agents: RODRIQUEZ, ANASTASIA : HUNTER, BRAYDEN : BELL, TANIA
Advisors: COLCHESTER, ST. JOHN : DAVISON, ANDY
Technological Personnel: ASH [GIVEN NAME] : OBJECT ONE
Unofficial Secretary: RICHARDSON, STACY
-- EDIT FILE --
Command: CLASSIFIED, CHERRY : HARTMAN, YVONNE
Field Agents: BELL, TANIA : HUNTER, BRAYDEN : RICHARDSON, STACY
Advisors: COLCHESTER, ST. JOHN : DAVISON, ANDY
Technological Personnel: ASH [GIVEN NAME] : OBJECT ONE
Rank Unfinalized: RODRIQUEZ, ANASTASIA : RICHARDSON, TOM
-- CLOSE FILE --
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
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