NCJDDAS: The Exterminator - Part One
NCJDDAS: The Exterminator - Part One
Starring Judi Dench, Alison Pill, Linda Hamilton and Nicholas Briggs
This story takes place whenever I goddamn please the NCJDDAS has no timeline of importance
Sexy Cover Render by Aubrey
Wandavision Spoilers Ahead
Chapter On
1984 - But not like the George Orwell one
Synth-Music Pounded through the air. The omnipresent 80s soundtrack had arrived, and with it, a TARDIS.
"Woah," Lottie said, stepping out of the TARDIS. "Doctor, this place is amazing."
It was a back alley, and it looked like the dingiest darkest most uninviting place imaginable. Lottie was from the future though, and hadn't seen a shit back alley, so she was engrossed. She skipped out, quickly.
"Doctor, what kind of place is this?" Lottie asked. She paused. "Doctor?"
But the Doctor wasn't there.
The 80s synth quickened in beat as Lottie looked at the horizon through the alley's chain link fence.
Thunder roared.
"ah, jeez." Lottie placed her face in her hands.
* * *
In the distance, a nude Judi Dench fell out of the sky covered in lightning.
'Fefwuirwhceioch4982039qdwicnjfvbhskskskfkscieckskskkskkcikk8fp30doepj4igo5h894u019r" She said, somehow more coherent than usual.
She fell down onto the pavement and broke her foot.
Gratuitous amounts of blood rained down from beneath her feet.
The Doctor blanched. What the heck was this?
"Yoooooooooooooooo" said an 80s punk with a giant blue mohawk. "What's ol grandma doing out alone on a night like this?"
"Bleeding profusely," The Doctor said, coughing up even more copious amounts of blood.
"What are ya fuckin doin out here, lady?" The punk asked again. He got out a switchblade. Another passerby began humping a wall.
"Oh my god." The Doctor said, collapsing on the pavement. "I'm in an R-Rated Film."
* * *
Sarah Connor struggled to take an order at a diner. It has been statistically proven during multiple surveys that waitressing is the most stressful job in the world, beating bomb defusing, neurosurgery, and military servitude.
"Exposition, Exposition, Exposition," repeated the Television in the corner. Sarah froze.
"Hey, lady, get me that drink you're holding!" Someone yelled, but Sarah was enrapt.
"Strange cases of lightning across the interstate have been sighted, culminating in what appears to be a nude Judi Dench falling out of the sky. Explanation unknown, but rest assured that the famous actress seems to be perfectly fine, even though her foot has not stopped bleeding a gallon a minute for the past eight hours." The News reporter said.
What the hell?
"Exposition, exposition," The Newsreader continued.
"Hey, lady! Give me that drink!"
"Piss off!" said Sarah, irritably. She looked at the screen some more.
"The Government's Top Brass have now begun a search campaign for the famed Actress. In other news, every single person in the world with a first name of Sarah is super dead."
* * *
Two other punks walked the street, smoking radically and being totally tubular.
"I NEED YOUR CLOTHES, YOUR BOOTS AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE." Said a grating voice.
"What?" The punks said, turning around to find a strangely shaped machine.
"I MUST BLEND IN." Said the Canister with an eye stalk, a whisk and a plunger on it. "I NEED YOUR CLOTHES YOUR BOOTS AND YOUR MOTORCYCLE."
"Fuck off," One of the Punks said dismissively, and he was vaporized.
The other punks swore gratuitously, as he gave his clothes, boots and motorcycle to the Exterminator.
"YOUR SUNGLASSES TOO IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND."
Chapter Two
Lottie sat in the alley. "Um, Doctor?" She called, uselessly. "Where are you? Can I help you and explain my overcomplicated timeline please?"
Only a squirrel picking a rotten banana peel out of a trash-can gave her attention. Lottie sighed. She leaned against the TARDIS and began to sulk.
* * *
Sarah Connor returned to her apartment. "Hey, ginger!" She said, "I'm the last Sarah in the world!"
"Woah!" said Ginger, this story's useless best friend character. "That is incredibly concerning! What about Sarah Jane Smith!"
"I'll explain later," Sarah replied. "Anyway, what do you think I should do?"
"Yeah, you should call the Police." Ginger said, "It seems incredibly important."
"But the police are occupied with the search for famed actress and apparent nudist Dame Judi Dench!"
"Alright then, you should call the US Government." Ginger said, suddenly Ginger from Gilligan's Island without any explanation.
"Woah, okay, you suddenly look very different but I will accept this at face value." She picked up the phone. "Hello United States Government? Yes my name is Sarah"
* * *
President Theodore Taft Adams Lincoln Jr. walked around the oval office concernedly. "You say her name is Sarah?"
"Yes," said the Air Defense General. "This clearly calls for extreme measures."
"Yes, we should call Batman," the President responded, picking up the Bat-Phone.
* * *
The Doctor walked across the street, a mile wide lake of blood pouring out of her foot. "Somehow I have been deposited in a R-rated film Scape." She said to no one in particular. "It appears to be the 1984 film Terminator. Which I happen to recognize despite not having seen it or know anything about the plot." She sighed. "Wasn't Matt Smith in one of these? Ugh, whatever, It also slowly appears to be devolving into a surrealistic hell-world, so that's a thing." She paused.
"Ruh Roh," said Scooby-Doo, suddenly there.
"Exactly," The Doctor replied, sharply. "The only solution I can conceive is letting the scenario play out.
Lightning appeared in the distance, and Kyle Reese fell out of the sky. He was sharply run over by the Delorean from Back To The Future.
"Why does this seem to me an incredible issue."
Chapter Three
"Every single person named Sarah is dead." The Police Officer Man of no discernible name said.
"Actually that initial report is wrong. Three Sarah's are still alive, all with the last name Connor, all localized in San Fransico." The Other Police Officer Man replied.
"What about Sarah Jane Smith?"
"The Woman is Immortal."
The phone rang. "Excuse me, let me take this," said the Police Officer. He picked it up. "Hello," he said.
"Hi, this is Detective Valerie Frizzle," Ms. Frizzle said. "I've found a Mrs. Sarah-Ann Connor. She's fucking dead."
* * *
The Exterminator rolled down the street in a leather jacket, sunglasses and carrying many guns, trying not to be conspicuous. It in fact, did this better than Arnold Schwarzenegger. It rolled up to a hot dog stand, manned by an old woman.
"EXCUSE ME, ARE YOU SARAH MARIE CONNOR?"
"Hello dear" said the 90 year old woman, "yes, that's me."
The Exterminator shot her 345849430745y82430743814273996376419870421781274974769742179583147027047875368412917493517624207351804919487538953731653384982574831984174129379813698537986553689532531869568953114841268924873586193650935195317181469412916932567136942627176142691427692758378952085895398538359835209859385338 times.
A 500 foot tall tidal wave of blood careened down the city streets and collapsed several buildings.
"HASTA LA VISTA BAY-BEE"
Chapter Four
"There is now 1 Sarah alive" said the Police.
"Thank you police" said the goddamn batman, flying off into the distance using his Bat-grappling hook and his bat-ability to defy goddamn gravity
* * *
Sarah Connor walked down the street and decided to enter a bar for the R-rated film's obligatory bar scene.
Some vibing tunes played as Sarah Connor entered the bar. She chugged a drink in a gratuitous fashion and went to the bar's phone.
"hello police"
"yes this is police"
"am i the last sarah yet"
"yes"
"fuck"
* * *
The Exterminator rolled to Sarah Connor's apartment and broke down the door with copious amount of gun
"GUN." said the Exterminator, rolling up to Ginger and shooting her 94730587074354713409095348 58739547253737175371538874273581425839207996275868993879784657936359732967273261396935753363501401982986354912980016863181357836413427 times.
The phone rang. "Hey, Ginger, this is Sarah, I'm really scared. My location is in a bar nearby, golly I sure hope that fellow who has been killing Sarah's does not track me down"
* * *
Sarah danced awkwardly and then the goddamn Batman and the goddamn Ms. Frizzle broke down the door. "WE'RE LOOKING FOR SARAH CONNOR." Batman yelled, angrily.
"hi, yes that is the me" Sarah said, perking up
"Holy fuckwhistle" said Ms. Frizzle "Wow, now that we have found Sarah Connor and rescued her nothing whatsoever can go wrong"
The Exterminator rolled the fuck into the room and shot them both 973947093789149873597287987 38793723978953328792758932789795837897953289735279398358793719563174265383642104313957892376359725369471396572636528967359627399372976 times.
"EXTERMINATE!" screamed the Exterminator.
Suddenly, famous Nude Actress Judi Dench catapulted into the room and grabbed Sarah Connor's hand. "Come with me if you want to live," she said awesomely, and the Exterminator began shrieking. "IT IS THE DOCTOR! IT IS THE DOCTOR!"
"Oh, wow," the Doctor said, turning around. "It's a dalek. You're not Arnold Schwarzenegger."
"PLEASE DO NOT INSULT ME, I AM VERY ATTRACTIVE!" The Dalek Exterminator replied.
"Wow, so this is some kind of fictional reality." The Doctor said. "I was correct."
The Dalek Exterminator's case opened, and out stepped Katherine Hahn
"what the hell"
IT'S BEEN AGATHA ALL ALONG
WHO'S BEEN PULLING EVERY EVIL STRING
IT'S BEEN AGATHA ALL ALONG
THAT YOU NEVER EVEN NOTICED
HOLY FUCK HOLY FUCKING FUCKING FUCK
NOW REALITY IS SUPER GONE
THANKS TO AGATHA
FUCKING AGATHA
IT'S BEEN AGATHA ALL ALONG
Comments
Post a Comment