NCJDDAS: The Exterminator - Part Two - WHY THE HELL IS KATHERINE HAHN HERE
NCJDDAS: The Exterminator
Part Two
WHY THE HELL IS KATHERINE HAHN HERE
Starring Judi Dench, Linda Hamilton and Katherine Hahn
Chapter Five
"WOAH. HOLD UP. HOLD UP, WHY IS KATHERINE HAHN HERE-" The Doctor screamed.
"Golly, this is gonna be a gas!" Katherine Hahn giggled, and the live studio audience began laughing.
"WHAT. WHAT IN THE WORLD-" The Doctor swore. "AM I THE ONLY ONE HERE WHO RECOGNIZES HOW INSANE THAT IS? I WILL ACCEPT BATMAN, BUT KATHERINE HAHN BEING A DALEK BEING THE TERMINATOR? W H A T"
"Oh, calm down, toots!" Katherine Hahn strutted across the stage. The studio audience continued to laugh, the laughter growing louder and louder and more ominous.
"What kind of place is this? Why are you toying with me?!" The Doctor yelled, but then suddenly The scene began going again.
The Exterminator began rolling around in circles spouting marketable catchphrases, and began firing maniacally at Sarah Connor.
The Doctor grabbed Sarah's hand. "Come with me if you want to live!"
[Studio Laughter]
They ran, kicking open a door into a back alley. "I am Sarah Connor!" said Sarah Connor.
"Yeah, yeah, I know!" The Doctor grumbled. "This way!"
They climbed into a pick-up truck, but as the two of them stepped into it, they saw a horrific sight step out of the bar. The upper half of a Dalek - with shades placed haphazardly on the eyestalk, and a leather jacket applied to the whisk and plunger - and the lower half of the Dalek being Katherine Hahn's legs.
The Exterminator jumped athletically onto a motorcycle and revved the wheel extremely ominously to studio applause.
"I'm Sarah Connor!" said Sarah Connor.
* * *
Lottie began walking down the streets of 1984 San Francisco. Suddenly, the world streamed to black and white, and she was in a trenchcoat and began narrating in a New York accent.
She was the most dangerous dame I had ever encountered in the business. I worked hard at my job, got paid for my keep. I got two flasks on my hips - one's got a pistol in it, the other bourbon. This Dame though, she was a different style of chick. She called 'erself the Doctor, see, and she had vanished - mysteriously - like Dames do. It was my newest case to track down the fellas behind the racket. And I wasn't gonna let no one do nothing to stop me.
"WHAT," Lottie said, incredibly confused at her own narration that she had no control over.
I moved down the cold hard streets, trying to find a clue or a drink. One of them, I knew where to find. I slid into the nearby bar, see, and I began to question the establishment's owner, a slick fellow named Mrs. Hahn.
"Mrs. Hahn, you've owned this establishment here for how long, ya say?"
The light flickered across Mrs. Hahn's face like a firefly with one watt too short. "I can't say I do remember," The Lady said, offering a cigar. Shook my head, I don't take no bribes from suspects in people's disappearances.
"Lady, see, this is an important case," I said, "If you got anything on this chick, you're required by law to tell me, so do ya got it?"
Mrs. Hahn looked back at me with eyes that burned hotter than a Molotov Cocktail in a Petrol Tank. The Dame was angry I was looking into her. But I wasn't gonna stop for nothing. Leticia Palaver, Private Eye -
"HELP, I CAN'T STOP NARRATING," Lottie screamed, but Katherine Hahn paid no attention as the world segued back into Black and White again for a moment.
Mrs. Hahn, after a moment, seemed to consider. "You're gonna wanna look into Mr. Doo. He ain't given me nothin' but trouble." She confided. "His tables' over there. Don't say I didn't tell you nothin."
I strolled non-chalantly through the cigarrette smoke to Mr. Doo's table. "Nice to meet you, Mr. Doo, is it-"
"SCOOOORRBBBYBBBYBB DOOOOOBBBBYYEYEYYY DOOOOOOOOOOO"
* * *
The Doctor revved the engine as Sarah Connor continued to speak very flanderized sentences.
"So, we're in the Land of Fiction and a Dalek here that is also Katherine Hahn is trying to murder my ass," the Doctor said, hitting the gas and breaking the speed limit. "Something here doesn't add up. Sarah, could you hand me that rocket launcher?"
"Sure!!" said Sarah, handing the Doctor a rocket launcher.
"Take the wheel." The Doctor replied, and Sarah took the wheel as the Doctor lowered the window.
The Exterminator was behind them on it's motorbike, leaving behind a trail of hellfire and damnation. It was possibly now the Ghost Rider. The Doctor fired the missile, but to ill effect as the combined power of Katherine Hahn's legs and a Dalek exterior in a leather jacket on a motorcycle with guns trailing hellfire is the coolest thing ever to be created and cannot be destroyed.
Sarah Connor, meanwhile, crashed the car into a brick wall.
"I HAVE NO CLUE HOW YOU GET COOL IN THE SEQUELS" The Doctor yelled angrily at her.
Sarah Connor smiled, and if she was smart, she would have said something about this being a parody that is obviously incredibly inequivalent to the source material, but this Sarah Connor was now a toothpick. Well, she was before this second in brain power, but as of this very second, she actually physically became a toothpick.
"Oh my god you're a toothpick" The Doctor said, as the Exterminator walked towards them.
"Stop right there!" 27032753227140989035617417316950886061320938719864273698497394778 01890247365943872706974172967249767265142779653163796 Police Officers and the Combined Forces of the Entire World's Military arrived.
Sarah Connor was also no longer a toothpick. This rendered the previous few lines about her having transformed into a toothpick useless.
"Oh thank god, please arrest us," The Doctor said.
Chapter Six
♪ Strawberry Fields - ♪
♪ Nothing is Real - ♪
"Stop singing, woman!" Yelled Samuel L Jackson.
The Doctor stopped singing and raised her eyebrows haphazardly. "I mean, none of this could possibly really be happening." She said, surprisingly rational. "But the question is, what kind of world am I in? A world of illusion, or YOU DIE IN THE GAME YOU DIE FOR REAL, etcetera, etcetera?"
"I am Police Officer Samuel L Jackson and you will explain yourself this Goddamn minute!"
"Reah," said Scooby Doo.
"Reah," said a second Scooby Doo.
The Doctor bit her lip. "Let's test something, shall we?"
The interview room was comprised of one way glass, a table and two chairs. The Doctor climbed on top of the table and grabbed hold of the ceiling. "[[;test = Red Leather, Yellow Leather, Red Leather, Yellow Leather, Red Leather, Yellow Leather," she proclaimed, flipping over and holding onto the ceiling with her feet in an elaborate headstand. She stopped to make some frankly uncomfortable moaning noises and then took How The Grinch Stole Christmas out of her pocket and read it backwards. She finished by yelling "what a humdinger" as loud as she possibly could.
Nothing happened.
"What the fuck was that?!?!" Samuel L Jackson yelled.
"It Was a test." The Doctor said, non-chalantly, suddenly on the floor. "If this was a computer simulation and not a reprogrammed version of actual reality, the computer would attempt to justify that. You'd be all over it. Since that was reality, I just look absolutely fucking bonkers and you reacted as such instead of 'hey dench, yeah, that sure was a tennis ball right there' or something a confused computer AI would say in reaction to that."
She poked him on the chest. "Weirdly, you're ACTUALLY Samuel L Jackson. Which gives me a few ideas on how to get out of this."
"Rand Ri'm Scrooby Droooby DOOoooooooooooo-" Scooby said.
"No, Old Yeller. Down boy." The Doctor said. "No, certain things - like the multiple copies of Scooby Doo we've found, they don't align with existence whatsoever. And the plot of Terminator 1 is slowly slowing down, which is if anything the most concerning thing about all of this. The world used to have rules, but it's decaying the more and more it goes on."
"What the fuck is a terminator 1?" Samuel L Jackson replied. "Doctor Ocelot, I formally request that Mrs. Dench here be transferred to an insane asylum."
An anthropomorphic Ocelot wearing a stethoscope and a labcoat nodded. "I agree. It is my formal recognition that Dame Dench is absolutely off her rocker."
"Wait! No! I'm the only one that can solve all this-" The Doctor tried, but to no avail.
"Infinitely falling Anvil, escort Dame Dench to a containment cell." Samuel L Jackson told the infinitely falling anvil with a police badge. It was an anvil that no matter what, did not stop falling, and before it hit the ground, it would pop up two feet again and fall again literally in an infinite loop.
Infinitely Falling Anvil grabbed The Doctor, and opened the door and brought her to a cell.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The Doctor yelled overdramatically.
"I'm Sarah Connor!" said Sarah Connor.
Chapter Seven
A Police Officer that was Frankenstein's Monster next to a Police Officer that was Marlon Brando sat at the front desk of the police station.
The Door opened, and The Exterminator rolled in. "I NEED TO SEE SARAH CONNOR. SHE IS A FAMILY FRIEND."
"I'm sorry, she isn't seeing anyone."
The Exterminator narrowed his eyestalk with the shades haphazardly placed upon it.
"I'll be back."
It said, but the police officers gave it absolutely no recognition.
The Exterminator walked out the door.
The anticipation built as the officers wondered what could possibly happen to top the gag from the original movie.
Mr. Bean walked into the room and shit out a nuclear explosion.
* * *
After interviewing Mr. Doo I noticed a red dot on the horizon. I say dot, mind, it was more like an enormous sort of mushroom, and not the kind you'll find crooks getting high off of on the docks. This was enormous. The Levelling city kind. An enormous sort of white light. Fire and brimstone and damnation, just like the Preacher on Sundays. Like God had kicked the butt of an enormous cigarette onto the earth's surface and bleached out all life for miles around.
It was like a dream, a nightmare of tremendous proportion.
The Care Bears were fucking dancing by the way.
* * *
"What is this?" The Doctor swore, suddenly in a place they couldn't describe.
"Oh come on, toots, don't tell me you don't got it yet." Katherine Hahn smiled. "I picked a good old classic movie for us to watch. Dreamt up a nice one. I thought about it a lot - nearly picked Monsters Inc. to be honest, but No one can resist a Time Travel Story. A real classic. You even got to be in it, you should thank me. But then again, that's the thing about dreams - they always get away from you."
"This is all a dream?!?" The Doctor swore. "That's the worst trope ever!"
"I'm the worst gal ever. You're the time lady so let's call me the Dream Lady. Nice to meet you Doctor, it's been a while."
"The Dream Lord- You're the Dream Lord! I met you, with, with - Amy and Rory!!"
"Respect the Gender switch, please." The Dream Lady smiled.
"Oh, oh, that is - that is sick, making me rationalize it all, land of fiction my ass! Oh, well, if you're behind everything, you let me wake up!" The Doctor yelled.
"Rock-a-bye-baby," The Dream Lady smiled. "Cheep Cheep, Back to Sleep. You haven't saved Sarah Connor yet. That's the whole point, isn't it?!"
"I'm not playing your game, Dream Lady!" The Doctor yelled.
"Oh yeah, you are. It's all about the game. You gotta play to win. You save Sarah Connor or I kill your little pet - Lottie dear."
"Lottie's here?"
"Wait, you haven't noticed? I gave her this whole weird private eye thing. Some of my best work." She smiled, wrinkling her nose.
"I don't even know the plot, I don't know this movie! What am I supposed to do!"
"Figure it out, lollipop," The Dream Lady laughed. "I haven't had this much fun in years!"
The Doctor reached out, but a wave of 80s synth music flew out from the void, and as the music roared, a gust of wind rushed her, and she fell through the realities, fell out of the sky into the Nuclear Explosion.
Damn it. This was worse than her own TV Movie.
To Be Continued...
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