NCJDDAS: The Sheepdom of Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle
NCJDDAS: The Sheepdom of Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle
I asked someone who had no clue about Doctor Who to give me a shitposty idea about an episode. I will now write said shitpost idea. Original post by Coffee Druggie at end of story.
Starring Dame Judi Dench and Sir Patrick Stewart with Martin Freeman
Featuring Taylor Louderman as Madmoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle
Danny is in the box
Previously On Doctor Who...
The Doctor now has a new companion! His name is Todd! He is very awkward! He came from the planet Reginus, a planet inhabited by some very stereotypical teenager characters. As they depart, the Doctor realizes something was afoot with that planet...
Chapter One
"Ladies, Gentlemen, and Variations Thereupon, a Fact!" The Doctor began, pointing at a blackboard. "Anyone who has ever eaten Pineapple Pizza will inevitably eventually die. The police just haven't connected Pineapple Pizza to enough cold cases, but rest assured, it is responsible for every death in the history of the human race and all other races across the cosmos."
"What the fuck are you on about this time, Doctor!" Roman grumbled. "I'm certain there's someone who hasn't had Pineapple Pizza."
"There are three. Captain Jack, Ashildr, and Santa Claus." The Doctor smiled. "Scientifically speaking, all races are functually immortal until they come into contact with pineapple pizza, and then their life span is limited."
"Wow!" said Todd, disbelieving.
"Todd, I know you're new to the game here, but let me explain: The Doctor does not always know what she's talking about." Roman attempted. "Pineapple Pizza is good."
"It also possesses brain-washing properties!" The Doctor insisted, twirling around the console. "Roman, Todd, it is time for you to meet my greatest nemesis. Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle."
"Oh for fucks sake"
* * *
"You're making this up. You have to be." Roman insisted. "Your nemesis is Davros! Or The Master! Not this Mademoiselle Woman!"
Todd pursed his lips. "Okay, so, Roman may have a point-" he forged.
"No, he doesn't." The Doctor replied, and Todd's spine deflated. "Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle is an identical clone of Taylor Louderman, the actress who played Regina George in the original Broadway Production of Mean Girls, and she is the most evil being I have ever encountered!"
"I thought we finished the Mean Girls thing last week." Roman said, literally placing his pink jacket, hat and high heels on the shelf as they spoke.
"Put those back on - consider it a double bill!" The Doctor proclaimed. "Also-" She paused, her voice changing into that of a robots- "Disclaimer: Despite sharing the same face Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle is legally and personality wise distinct from Taylor Louderman in every concievable way possible and is not in any way an insult to the aforementioned actress or the character she portrays. Any resemblance to Regina George is also completely coincidental but also totally not."
"Is she always like this-" Todd whispered to Roman.
"Worse," Roman responded amiably.
"ANYWAY I have used the TARDIS to zero in on Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle's location and we should be landing now." The Doctor said, and within a second, the TARDIS chimed and there was a small bump as it materialized convieniently.
They stepped out.
Jessica Keenan Wynn turned towards them. "ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM"
Chapter Two
"Oh darn, wrong musical actress" The Doctor swore.
"Could the TARDIS work once? I really would care for this adventure to be over." Roman asked.
"YOU GOT A BONE TO PICK"
"Hey, what's this?" Todd said, picking up a small device from Jessica's shelf.
"YOU'VE COME SO FAR WHY NOW ARE YOU PULLING-"
"No time! Get back into the TARDIS before she kills us." The Doctor said, pushing Todd and Roman back into the TARDIS.
As they closed the door, Todd asked the obvious question. "I thought you said that they weren't gonna kill us and the actresses were nice?"
"That was about Taylor Louderman, Jessica Kennan Wynn will slap your face off." The Doctor replied, pulling levers. "The TARDIS probably just got confused because they're both co-stars of Barrett Wilbert Weed. Okay, TARDIS, try again!"
As everybody there watched, the TARDIS dematerialized and the device that Todd had grabbed from Jessica's apartment went off and fired at the Doctor.
Within seconds, the Doctor was a sheep.
The impressive musical ability of Jessica Keenan Wynn echoed as the TARDIS fell into time and space.
Listen up, biotch.
* * *
"WHAT?!!??!?!" Roman screamed.
"You know, it's been two seconds, and this seems pretty run of the mill for me now, actually." Todd mumbled. "Not even surprised."
The Sheep-Doctor 'baa-ed' inquisitively.
The TARDIS landed and the doors swung open to a farm. The Sheep-Doctor bounded out with joyous sheep-dom.
"Oh no...." Roman grumbled. "It's a random events plot."
"What?" Todd asked.
"A Random Events Plot. Due to the Inherent Concept of This story, the entire plot is devised by a series of random events."
"Um, Less big words." Todd said, awkwardly.
"Random Events go Brrrr"
"Ah"
* * *
The Sheep-Doctor rolled out onto the farm with enormous joy and aplomb.
Just as she was about to step about into the fields, suddenly a boot came down by her. The boot of world famous Sheep Farmer Billy-Bob.
He said everything in a southern accent, but that was too much effort to type. "Now lookie what we have here." he drawled.
"Oh no, it's world famous Sheep Farmer Billy-Bob!" Todd said, rushing out of the TARDIS.
"Oh no," replied Roman halfheartedly.
World famous sheep farmer billy bob began to take shears out of his pocket.
"MAWHHHHWHWHWHAHAHHAHWHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA" World Famous Sheep Farmer Billy Bob said.
"Oh fuck this" Roman, having had enough with this story, took out a cardboard box from the box dimension, folded his legs up, got in, and closed the box shut.
Chapter Three
"Dear me." said Todd. "Roman, would you care to assist me in rescuing the Doctor?"
"No." Roman grumbled. "I'll come out of the box when the story is over."
"The story's over." Todd attempted.
He sighed, and placed the box on the ground. "Doctor?? Come here, little little doctor, come on." He said, dejectedly. "Heeeyyy sheep doctor-" He groaned.
"MWHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHHAHHAHAHAHA" yelled a voice, and then suddenly Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle had appeared.
"Oh." Said Todd mildly. "Hi."
"Hello," Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle chirped. "I'm looking to feed every single person in the world pineapple pizza so they eventually die. I'm a socioeconomical nihilist."
"That's cool." Todd said. "I'm trying to find the Doctor, she's currently a sheep."
"Ah, The Doctor, My Nemesis." Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle responded, somehow sounding cheerful and also like she didn't care at all. "I have sworn by the blood of my family that I must kill the Doctor and end her miserable tirade across the universe."
"That's nice, do you have to kill me?"
"No."
"Oh, really, that's cool. We should get lunch sometime."
"Let's."
* * *
The Benny Hill theme played as the Sheep-Doctor ran away from World Famous Sheep Farmer Billy Bob through several doors in a scene literally exactly out of Scooby Doo.
"OH GOLLY GEE WIZ" World Famous Sheep Farmer Billy Bob said, punctuating absolutely nothing whatsoever
The Sheep-Doctor rounded a corner eventually found herself in a field of 20000000000000000 Sheep
Being a sheep and having no intellect whatsoever, she went to go eat some grass in the field of 20000000000000000 Sheep
This was going to be incredibly confusing
Chapter Four
In the previous story it was remarked upon that the Doctor thought something was different about the Pinks compared to other cliques. This was because their Queen was Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle. This is called continuity. You will never hear about it again.
Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle was also the designer of the tiny very very very very very very very very very long shute that invariably ends in instant death. The reason it invariably ends in instant death is there is pineapple pizza at the bottom.
* * *
Todd, exploring the farm, discovered a sheep.
The device in his pocket vibrated, and as he picked it up, it fired at the sheep, and transformed it into a copy of Judi Dench. "Baa," The Judi Dench copy said.
"Ah. This must be a Judi Dench to Sheep and Sheep to Judi Dench transmogrifier." Todd realized, which he would have figured out much quicker if he had read the fine text enscribed at the bottom of the device that labelled it as SCP-8435846965934992, Dr. Wondertainment's Judi Dench to Sheep and Sheep to Judi Dench transmogrifier.
"If I can only find the original sheep that the Doctor turned into, I can put her back in her original body!" Todd cheered.
This was the smartest moment of Todd's life, but there was sadly absolutely no one there to recognize it.
* * *
Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle examined a sheep intensely. "Would you like a Pineapple Pizza?" She asked, politely.
"Baa," the Sheep replied.
"Okay." Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle said, setting it on the ground. You couldn't force anyone to eat anything if it didn't want to. That was very bad, her mother had told her, and Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle did everything her mother told her to.
* * *
Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle examined a sheep intensely. "Would you like a Pineapple Pizza?" She asked, politely.
"Baa," the Sheep replied.
"Okay." Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle said, setting it on the ground. You couldn't force anyone to eat anything if it didn't want to. That was very bad, her mother had told her, and Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle did everything her mother told her to.
* * *
Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle examined a sheep intensely. "Would you like a Pineapple Pizza?" She asked, politely.
"Baa," the Sheep replied.
"Okay." Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle said, setting it on the ground. You couldn't force anyone to eat anything if it didn't want to. That was very bad, her mother had told her, and Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle did everything her mother told her to.
* * *
Todd examined a sheep and fired the device at it.
"Baa," said the now transformed Sheep that now had the body of Judi Dench. "Baa, Baa."
Although Todd waited a few minutes to see if this was actually not just the Doctor saying Baa, as she was apt to do at times, he eventually decided it wasn't, and transformed the sheep's body into that of a regular sheep.
This was really tedious.
* * *
Todd examined a sheep and fired the device at it.
"Baa," said the now transformed Sheep that now had the body of Judi Dench. "Baa, Baa."
Although Todd waited a few minutes to see if this was actually not just the Doctor saying Baa, as she was apt to do at times, he eventually decided it wasn't, and transformed the sheep's body into that of a regular sheep.
This was really tedious.
* * *
Todd examined a sheep and fired the device at it.
"Baa," said the now transformed Sheep that now had the body of Judi Dench. "Baa, Baa."
Although Todd waited a few minutes to see if this was actually not just the Doctor saying Baa, as she was apt to do at times, he eventually decided it wasn't, and transformed the sheep's body into that of a regular sheep.
This was really tedious.
20000000000000000 Attempts Later...
World Famous Sheep Farmer Billy Bob, Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle and Todd converged on a single Sheep.
"This must be the Doctor," Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle and Todd said at the same time.
World Famous Sheep Farmer Billy Bob made southern american noises.
"There will now be a battle," Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle proclaimed. "To see, who can finally win and have the Doctor!"
"Okay," said Todd.
"Rock Paper Scissors Shoot"
"Rock Paper Scissors Shoot"
"Rock Paper Scissors Shoot"
"Yay," said Todd, having rescued the Doctor. He activated the device, and The Doctor resumed her usual form.
"Oh, hi." The Doctor said.
"No Fair," said Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle, crossing her arms.
"Wait." World Famous sheep Farmer Billy Bob said, "If that's Dame Judi Dench, than where is my real runaway sheep?"
* * *
Billions and Billions of Miles away in the Exceiliorantron Spiral of The Constellation of Bloop, on a distant star orbited a distant world, and around that world, orbited a distant asteroid.
"Baa," said the Sheep on that asteroid.
Epilogue:
"Is the story over?" Roman said from inside the box as the Doctor and Todd walked back in. "Yeah, it's the epilogue." The Doctor said.
"Ah, good. Let me out, please." Roman said.
The Doctor opened the box.
Roman shuddered. "So, back to business?"
"We must continue on our quest," The Doctor nodded in earnest.
"There's one thing I don't understand. Why is Mademoiselle Dappleberry Von Tulle suddenly your Nemesis? Like for real? Isn't that usually the Master?"
"Who's the Master?" The Doctor asked.
* * *
Gallifrey. The High Council was in session.
"Time has been fractured." Coordinator Narvin said. "According to our data, a distinct branching timeline has been created, based around, as per usual, the Doctor."
Distinct murmurings of 'not again' rummaged around the council chairs.
"It seems that this particular incarnation of the Doctor, this 'chaotic' incarnation, intially considered a clone, has altered the timeline of the universe simply by deciding to." Coordinator Narvin said. "In the rightful timeline, her companions exist in the simple timeline of Danny, Roman, Cherry, and Marsha. This has been altered. The Doctor has recruited a companion that by all accounts, she should not have." Narvin explained.
Another time lord - a relative of Livia - nodded from her seat. "But how? This is not the current incarnation of the Doctor. She is at least two incarnations out of date."
Narvin nodded back. "According to our files, however impossible it may seem, the Doctor is broadcasting something from a transdimensional blog called 'NCJDDAS Season Six.' She's...She's decided to create an alternate timeline. She's decided to not die."
Uproar.
The Gallifreyan Council hissed, and fought amongst itself - and the TARDIS continued to fall through space and time.
When it should not.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
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