NCJDDAS: Oh no it's the 'Cats' episode - Part One
NCJDDAS: Oh no it's the "Cats" episode - Part One
Starring Dame Judi Dench and Sir Ian McKellen
Danny is in the Box
Todd is somewhere in the TARDIS
This story takes place in the alternate timeline created by The Doctor using the box and after Judi Dench Never Dies happened in said alternate timeline. Everything is the same, Roman just now looks like Sir Ian.
Previously On Doctor Who...
Doctor Who has a new companion! His name is Todd. She's keeping the old one in a box.
Come on, variety is important to her. It's not that she hasn't created a branching alternate timeline that diverges from the course of history set in the main universe.
It's not like the Time Lords are very angry about that.
Chapter One
"You know, it has been quite some time since Sartorial Elegance was restored to our lives." Roman said, puffing his suitcoat.
"Shame neither Danny or Todd wanted to come," The Doctor groaned. "No offense, but I think we work better as a triple act."
"Oh, har-dy har har." Roman drawled, "Really? The Movies? They'd ruin it. Danny would whine the whole time, he's never quiet during movies."
"Yeah, Todd would be polite and nice, though. He really is like that." The Doctor responded. "I like travelling with someone...you know....nice."
"Quite." Roman responded. "You're different around him though. A little more manic."
"I am the queen of manic. I make manic work, honey." The Doctor joked, putting on a fancy pearl necklace.
"Whereas you dress like my hypothetical Grandmother. Would it kill you to wear something that matched your personality?"
"When I first met you I tried going all JNT. No. I much prefer Cardigans. Ripping off somebody else's costume just feels like...another me's costume."
"You distinguish too much between your incarnations, Doctor. I tend to feel the same in each body."
"You're grumpier."
"Oh, please." Roman replied. "Shall we go?"
"Yes. I'm quite excited to see it. Avengers 82! Oh, I'm positively giddy." The Doctor swung the door open and they stepped out into the popcorn strewn movie theater.
"I admit, I had anticipated a Theater of the more, shall we say, élégante manner."
"Hmm. No, this isn't right." The Doctor said, examining the doors. "All of these theater rooms are showing the same movie."
"Really? Which one?" Roman said, leaning over to view the posters.
Presenting Cats (2019)
A sense of horror crept over him.
"Oh dear."
Chapter Two
"Okay, so, what even is this." The Doctor said, pointing at the grime covered poster. "What the fuck"
"I thought you did all of Judi Dench's acting career."
"Well, I did and didn't. It's a long story, it involves the Master, Halle Berry, Six Meta Crisis Clones of Me and a Discredited Writer."
"I know, Doctor, I was there. Don't you think the clone you-s could have chosen good movies to star in?"
"Sorry about that. I'm still getting over Artemis Fowl. But no - they insisted to me when I called them about Cats that they had nothing to do with it. On pain of death."
"What did you do then?"
"Well, I kidnapped Rebel Wilson and tortured her with a power drill."
"I'm sorry-"
"Long story short, she had nothing to do with it either. None of the supposed Cast did."
"So what the fuck made Cats??"
The Doctor paused.
"Doctor, what the fuck made Cats??"
The Doctor shrugged.
Roman's face went pale with horror, and so did the Doctor's with horrified realization.
...
...
"...Holy fuck what the fuck did make Cats roman"
Chapter Three
"Jesus Christ what the fuck" The Doctor said, twirling at the console. "WHAT THE FUCK MADE CATS (2019) ROMAN"
"Doctor, could you please calm down!?!?" Roman said, considerably not calm.
"Romannnnnn like seriously this could be incredibly important -" The Doctor gabbered on. "It could be an alien invasion!!"
"Doctor, to you, everything is an alien invasion!"
"Woah there my buddy my pal my good friend buddy pal amigo chum friend buddy friend, do you want to get fucking murdered buddy because i'll fucking do it shut the fuck up" said The Doctor incredibly quickly. "chum"
"God, okay, whatever! Is the TARDIS set to try and locate the set of Cats 2019?!?"
"Yep. you know incid entally i am incedibly glaD you refer to it as caTs 2019 because the actual stage show if plotless is actually quite res pectble and i am glad you are not just saying all of a frachise sucks due to the exposure of one realllll fuckng shitty film" The Doctor said.
"where has your grammar gone"
"inTo the garbaggggEegegegegege!!!111!"' The Doctor replied
The TARDIS landed.
The Doctor picked up Danny's box and started kicking it. "dannnyyyyyyyy it's an adventure you wanna go on an adventure"
Danny did not respond.
"Doctor, he's been in that box for a month."
"Oh, so he's probably dead then," The Doctor said, dropping the box to the ground.
* * *
Outside, the set of Cats (2019) revealed itself.
"Why is it empty?!" Roman growled.
"Why is it empty?!" The Doctor replied, even more incensed.
"There's nothing about the making of this film anywhere. We're here at the time that recording SHOULD happen, but - no set. No CGI skin tight suits. You'd think there'd be skin tight suits." Roman said.
"Maybe they green-screened them out!" The Doctor replied.
"...Doctor... they do that in post. You can't green screen out people in real time." Roman said, explaining to her like she was five.
"Mm." The Doctor thought. "I still think it's aliens."
* * *
"Theory," The Doctor began. "Consider that Cats (2019) is a film critically acclaimed for being one of the worst things ever made. Right up there with Malaria, Death, and the NCJDDAS."
"With you so far."
"What if Cats was so spontaneously bad that - it just came into being. Fully forged. Cats is so inexplicable, it is literally it's own multifaceted being from another dimension."
"...How'd you come to that conclusion."
"How does David Tennant know that because there are two clocks in the room means there's something under the bed in Girl In The Fireplace? Random stupid deductive leaps!"
"...the one with the bed makes sense though -"
"Shut up! The Cats (2019) is a multiversal being is the theory we're going with." The Doctor said. "It is now time to test my hypothesis."
"What? How could you possibly do that?"
The Doctor drew a pentagram on the floor and began to chant.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cats (2019) R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cats (2019) R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cats (2019) R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cats (2019) R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."
A giant transparent floating head of CGI Cat Rebel Wilson drew itself up from the floor.
"MORTALS!!! YOU HAVE SUMMONED ME!!"
Chapter Four
"Hi Cat Rebel Wilson!" The Doctor said cheerfully.
"YES THAT IS ME"
"We were just like testing a hypothesis. Proving you're real and that the universe hasn't just spontaneously made your movie disappear."
"AS IF A PUNY UNIVERSE CAN CONTROL CATS (2019). THE VERY IDEA AMUSES ME."
"Ah, well, with you there. Say, I'm just wondering, but does Andrew Lloyd Webber know you're a multiversal being?"
"WE LONG SINCE OUTGREW ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER. CATS (2019) IS INEVITABLE. CATS (2019) EXISTS ACROSS ALL REALITIES. NOTHING CAN ESCAPE IT. WE ARE ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER'S BEGINNING AND HIS END."
"Sweet."
"HOW HAS YOUR PUNY SPECIES LEARNED OF US?"
"Wild Mass Guessing."
"IMPRESSIVE. IT IS A PITY YOU WILL NOW HAVE TO BE CULLED."
"Wait, what?"
"WE INTENDED TO MERELY BE BAD. A CULT MOVIE. VIEWED AGAIN AND AGAIN FOR OTHER'S RIDICULE. TO GAIN RELEVANCE THROUGH LACK OF QUALITY. BUT NOW THAT YOU HAVE UNVEILED US, YOU MUST JOIN US OR DIE. HMM... PERHAPS BOTH."
"Oh jeez." The Doctor said as the ground swirled around her and Roman. Vibrant colors swirled around like someone had put food dye in a toilet bowl and it was all blasting down the drain. A Vortex of color, solid color draping around the Doctor and Roman like...fur?
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