NCJDDAS: The Regeneration

I’m going to try something new. Here’s an original short story, it’s written to be funny and sort of terrible and without pacing. Enjoy!

Non Canon Judi Dench Doctor Adventures 

The Regeneration

Chapter One

“Ahh!” Said The Doctor as the TARDIS crashed. “now, it’s time for my last words: before I regenerate!” 

The doctor winced in pain.

She cried out. “Bollocks!”

The TARDIS crashed into a backyard. Out climbed an Old Woman, who looked exactly like Judi Dench. “Ah, I look like Judi Dench.” She said.

A Man walked up to her. “Who’s Judi Dench?” He asked. 

“Oh, wait.” The doctor climbed back into the TARDIS and dematerialized before rematerializing a few seconds later. “So, evidently I am Judi Dench.” The Doctor Said. “That took a really long time, doing her entire acting career. God, that was fun, I am great. But who’s the real question. How did I know Who Judi Dench was? If I am Judi Dench?” The Man stood there, still blinking. 

“Oh, Hi.” The doctor said. “Time travel is real.” 

The man ran away screaming. 

“So I haven’t saved the earth in like a really long time thanks to doing Judi Dench’s entire acting career. I need companions! And I need to stop alien invasions!” The Judi Dench Doctor screamed to herself. “Also, I really wish that I’m not completely responsible for Judi Dench’s acting career because the woman is a genius and I don’t really want to be taking all of her achievements.”

The doctor stood there for a second and went back into the TARDIS. 

There was the TARDIS’s shaking grinding noise.

“Judi Dench doesn’t exist!” She screamed later, walking out. 

“DOCTOR.” the sky intoned. A spaceship flew down from the heavens barking at her. 

“DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT JUST CREATE JUDI DENCH’S ENTIRE ACTING CAREER AND THEN STOP JUDI DENCH’S ENTIRE ACTING CAREER BY SHOOTING YOUR PAST SELF IN THE HEAD?! THIS IS A MAJOR TIME VIOLATION AND YOU WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE BY US, THE HIGH COUNCIL OF THE TIME LORDS!” 

The doctor stopped for a moment. “I can go back in time and shoot the past self in the head that shot my past self in the head.”

“HOLY SHIT DOCTOR NO THAT’S ESCALATING THE PROBLEM”

“Oh, okay.”

“ALSO WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN PREDISPOSED TO SHOOTING THINGS”

“I don’t know,” Said the Doctor. “Have you seen Skyfall? It’s really good, I was in it. Or now wasn’t.”

“YEAH IT IS PRETTY GOOD” the Time Lord High Council conceded. 

There was silence.

“BUT ALSO WE ARE GOING TO TAKE YOUR TARDIS AWAY FOR FUCKING MURDERING THE FIRST LAW OF TIME RIGHT THERE”

“Wow, guys, how’d that work for you last time, I’m Doctor Who, darling. I’m Doctor Who. Whole shows about me.”

“YOU’RE NON CANON”

“Drat.” The Doctor Said. “I guess you can handcuff me and take my TARDIS.”

“OKAY THEN WE’LL SEND DOWN OUR REPRESENTATIVE.”

The Spaceship beamed a beam of white light that was really pretty right down to the Doctor. A weird tree thing in a time lord robe handcuffed her. 

“I guess this is an invasion I can stop.” Muttered the Doctor. 

Chapter Two

Osgood sat around at UNIT, draped in her scarf, pressing keys, on her computer, bored. Nothing had happened today. For the last six months thanks to the UNIT boxsets not coming out at Big Finish dang it why why why 

“Ogood!” Yelled Kate Stewart from the next room. 

Osgood got up and rushed in. 

“Ma’am! I’m here!” She said. 

“The Doctor has gone bananas.” Said Kate, waving her arms at her computer screen. We have evidence, that the Doctor and Judi Dench are actually the same person. 

“Oh my god” said Osgood nearly fainting of ecstasy. 

“And she just travelled back In time and shot herself” finished Kate.

“JudiDenchDoctorJudiDenchDoctorJudiDenchDoctor” rambled Osgood

“Osgood!” Yelled Kate. “She’s just been kidnapped by the Time Lords! We have to save her!”

“Oh! Yes, sorry! Ok!” Said Osgood. 

“Now,” Said Kate. “Where are the other UNIT people?”

“Suspiciously absent” Said Osgood, before a bunch of time lord people ran in with guns.

“We’re the time lords!” The leader said. “You work with the Doctor and must be neutralized.”

Kate Fired twelve rounds rapid into all of the time lords, not giving a single fuck. 

“Oh. Wow.” Muttered Osgood. 

Kate looked at her and said: “Osgood, this is fan fiction. We can have a little bit of character flanderization, and let me shoot people.” 

Osgood and Kate ran out of the UNIT building, and they began their search for the Doctor. 

 Meanwhile, The Doctor sat in her cell on the time lord ship. “I have a feeling this new regeneration is really really hyper for an old woman, and I really am starting to get bored here, so please let me out” Said the Doctor. 

“NO!” said the time lord speaking over the loudspeakers. 

“Okay, do I have permission to disregard that statement?”

“NO!”

“Do I have permission to disregard that statement but it’s Opposite Day??

“Um, Uh, Yes” 

“Do I have permission to disregard that statement but it’s opposite Opposite Day” 

“Um, huh, No I think”

“Do I have permission to disregard that statement but it’s opposite opposite opposite opposite opposite opposite opposite Opposite Day” 

“Oh my god, uh no”

“Thanks for the permission, you have to let me out now.”

“Oh damn it”

The cell doors opened and the Doctor walked out of them to freedom. 

She walked down the prison hallways and suddenly she saw them. “Oh my god it’s-“

It was Dodo, The annoying companion from the 60s. 

“Dodo!” Said The Doctor. “You’re my new companion!”

“I have no personality” Said Dodo. 

The Doctor judo kicked the cell door that Dodo was in, down. 

“You are free. We shall travel the cosmos together, Dodo.” The Doctor Said, waving her hands dramatically. “We can do anything.” 

Dodo licked the wall. 

“It tastes like wall” she said. 

The doctor looked at Dodo like the disease she was. “It’s okay. I can make this work.” Said The Doctor. “Come along, Dodo!”

Dodo barked like a dog and turned, following her. 

Meanwhile, Kate and Osgood walked onto the street where the Doctor disappeared. “Oh, look!” Said Osgood. “There’s the TARDIS! We can activate protocol 555555555 to take the TARDIS automatically to wherever the Doctor is, so we can help her!” Nerded Ogood.

Kate smiled. “I am glad you are aware of this otherwise inconsequential piece of knowledge that will never be brought up in another story.” She said.

They got into the TARDIS and Osgood activated protocol 555555555. somehow. 

And off they went. 

Chapter Three

The TARDIS appeared next to the Doctor and Dodo. Kate and Osgood ran out. 

“Doctor!” They screamed.

“Hello.” Said the Doctor. “This is Dodo.” 

Dodo screamed for now apparent reason.

“Golly, where does she get them” Muttered Kate to Osgood. Kate turned to the Doctor. 

“What can we do to help?” 

“In the name of Judi Dench’s superior acting and not taking credit for it, I have broken time itself.” Said the Doctor. “I am going to kill all the time lords on the ship and that will solve the problem.”

“Kill all the time lords?” Asked Osgood, still surprisingly moral.

“Well, let’s look at it this way,” Said the Doctor. “They will inevitably come up with a reason to destroy the earth, because I fucked up or something. Wow. I can swear in this regeneration. I’m free. Um, and then, I’ll give them a chance to spare the earth, but they’ll be like ‘heck no’ so I will have to kill them and then I will pretend like I care about it afterwards, and justify it because hell I saved a planet.” 

Osgood, Kate and even Dodo turned towards the Doctor dumbfounded. 

“This way I cut out the middleman.” Said The Doctor, unaware of her horrifying statement.

Dodo reached into Kate’s pocket, grabbed her gun and accidentally shot herself.

“Well, the Dodo fanboys will be appeased now there are no more inaccurate Dodo depictions.”  Muttered The Doctor. 

They ran onto the bridge. 

“Doctor!” Said the lead time Lord captain. “You have escaped!” 

The Doctor grabbed Kate’s gun and shot the Time Lord Captain In the chest 12 times. 

“Doctor!” Screamed Osgood, horrified. 

“Well, the day is saved.” Said the Doctor. “Earth is no longer under threat, thank you ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be going!” 

Osgood grabbed her wrist. “Look, Doctor. What’s going on? What have you done? What’s happened to you?” 

“Oh my god.” Said the Doctor, looking at the bridge of shot time lords. She stared. 

And the dawning comprehension came over her. 

“Oh, shit. I’m the Valeyard.” 

Epilogue: 

The Doctor walked back to the TARDIS, sorrowful, followed by Kate and Osgood.

“I’m a sociopath now.” She muttered sadly. 

“Well, Yes.” Said Kate, taking her gun back from the Doctor. “But, if it helps you, I think we’re still your friends.” 

“Nah.” Said the Doctor. “I’m like fricking Genocidal now.”

“Doctor, the fact you’re aware of that, means you can be better.” Said Osgood. 

They stopped and looked out of the time lord ships window. 

“Is it Just me or are we going to crash into the UNIT building?” Kate asked.

They got into the TARDIS very quickly. 

“Well.” Said the Doctor. “I think your building blows up now.” 

They heard a thud and a boom. 

“So.” Said the Doctor. “You have no job now. Wanna be my companions? You know? Keep me in check?”

Kate shrugged.

Osgood Jittered. 

The End

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Dame Judi Dench as The Doctor
Jemma Redgrave as Kate Stewart
Ingrid Oliver as Osgood
Daniel Craig as Time Lord Captain
Sir Ian McKellen as The Time Lord Council
and with Special Guest Star: Jackie Lane as Dodo