NCBBDAS: The Inevitability of Chris Pratt
NCBBDAS: The Inevitability of Chris Pratt
Starring Chris Pratt and Linda Hamilton
Author's Note:
This was intended to go out before the Flux stories were a thing but I'm, you know, awful. And so it is here. Now. at this time. Instead of before. sorry.
Chapter One
"Ahh!!!" Said the Doctor, as the TARDIS crashed.
“Ahh!” Said The Doctor as the TARDIS crashed. “now, it’s time for my last words: before I regenerate!”The doctor winced in pain.
She cried out. “Bollocks!”
The TARDIS crashed into a backyard. Out climbed Chris Pratt, who was Chris Pratt. "Ah, I look like Chris Pratt," said The Doctor. "Cool. He is very Chris and also very Pratt."
A man walked up to him. "Who's Chris Pratt?" He asked.
"Hold on a second," The Doctor said in an accursed and unnatural American accent, gettting back into the TARDIS and dematerialized before rematerializing a few seconds later. “So, evidently I am Chris Pratt.” The Doctor Said. “That took a really long time, doing his entire acting career. God, that was fun, I am great. But who’s the real question. How did I know Who Chris Pratt was? If I am Chris Pratt?” The Man stood there, still blinking.
“Oh, Hi.” The doctor said. “Time travel is real.”
The man ran away screaming.
“Oh, Hi.” The doctor said. “Time travel is real.”
The man ran away screaming.
* * *
"Something is very fucking wrong with time," The Doctor screamed.
"Wha?" Sarah Connor said, not really noticing while polishing her gun.
"You mean you haven't noticed that we've been temporally replaced by an americanized ripoff that completely fails to get the point of Doctor Who?" The Doctor huffed. "Chris Pratt is playing the Doctor, Sarah!!"
"Mm??" Sarah asked, once again a bit out of it. "I'm sorry, I'm Sarah Connor from the Terminator movies. I highkey have no idea what you're talking about."
"Chris Garfield Mario Pratt," The Doctor seethed, "Is Doccy Who. He has grossly mischaracterised and failed to understand the entire point of the Doctor."
"Because of what?" Sarah Connor paused. "I mean, Chris Pratt is a good- "
The Doctor turned towards Sarah Connor. "WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO SAY," she said slowly and delibrately. "Were you about to bloody compliment Chris Garfield Mario Pratt, luv?"
"I mean, I'm not exactly cool with Chris Pratt's like, problematic aspects." Sarah Connor mused, surprisingly self aware for once because it is funny to subvert expectations haha "But like, wasn't he in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies? and the LEGO Movie? and Parks and Rec, which I still haven't seen but I am told is quite good?"
"He is a blight upon the hollywoods," the Doctor said ominously, "because he only ever plays Chris pratt."
"Well, he's Doctor Who now." Sarah mused. "Anyway, aren't I supposed to be the crazy one and you're supposed to be, like, the chill one?"
The Doctor paused. "I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle," she responded, taking her shotgun. "We're swapping roles for the episode."
"What?"
"Because it subverts expectations and that's funny," The Doctor said, revving the motorcycle maniacally, and pumping the shotgun.
Chapter Two
Meanwhile, Chris Pratt !
,, , ,
, ,
, .. .
. . . . Chris Pratt! ! !
"So I haven’t saved the earth in like a really long time thanks to doing Chris Pratt's entire acting career. I need companions! And I need to stop alien invasions!” The Chris Pratt Doctor screamed to himself.
Chris Pratt yawned and checked the script. "Um, I'm supposed to go back in time and shoot myself now? What?"
The doctor stood there for a second and went back into the TARDIS.
There was the TARDIS’s shaking grinding noise.
“Chris Pratt doesn’t exist!” He screamed later, walking out.
“DOCTOR.” the sky intoned. A spaceship flew down from the heavens barking at her.
“DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT JUST CREATE CHRIS PRATT’S ENTIRE ACTING CAREER AND THEN STOP CHRIS PRATT’S ENTIRE ACTING CAREER BY SHOOTING YOUR PAST SELF IN THE HEAD?! THIS IS A MAJOR TIME VIOLATION AND YOU WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE BY US, THE HIGH COUNCIL OF THE TIME LORDS!”
The doctor stopped for a moment. “I can go back in time and shoot the past self in the head that shot my past self in the head.”
“HOLY SHIT DOCTOR NO THAT’S ESCALATING THE PROBLEM”
“Oh, okay.”
“ALSO WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN PREDISPOSED TO SHOOTING THINGS”
“I don’t know,” Said the Doctor. “Have you seen Guardians of the Galaxy? It’s really good, I was in it. Or now wasn’t.”
“YEAH IT IS PRETTY GOOD” the Time Lord High Council conceded. "WAIT, WE'RE, UH, KIND OF NOW NOTICING A SENSE OF DEJA VU ON OUR DEJA VU SCANNERS?"
"That sounds not radical," Chris Doctor Who Garfield Mario Pratt noted.
"YEAH UH WE'RE UM, NOTICING THAT YOU ARE KIND OF REPLACING JUDI DENCH IN THE DOCTOR TIMELINES AND THUS INVALIDATING THE BRENDA BLETHYN DOCTOR'S ORIGIN," the time lord high council shrieked disagreeably. "THAT'S NOT COOL."
Chris Doctor Who Garfield Mario Pratt snapped his fingers and suddenly the grand high council of time lords were all played by Chris Pratt. Picture that scene from the End of Time with like five hundred John Simm's but it's all Chris Pratt and they are all making that Chris Pratt smirk face.
"Tubular," Chris The Doctor Pratt stated.
But in his normal voice. Guy's not a voice actor.
* * *
Kate Stewart therefore, will for the entirety of the following scene, talk to the wall, and all of Osgood's lines will be cut even if it makes the following conversation literally nonsensical.
Osgood!” Yelled Kate Stewart from the next room.
"The Doctor has gone bananas.” Said Kate, waving her arms at her computer screen. We have evidence, that the Doctor and Chris Pratt are actually the same person."
“And he just travelled back In time and shot himself” finished Kate.
“Osgood!” Yelled Kate. “he’s just been kidnapped by the Time Lords! We have to save him!”
"Now,” Said Kate. “Where are the other UNIT people?"
If that bit made any sense even though any lines from Osgood were cut, due to the fact that all of the time lords are now also Chris Pratt, Kate is now the only person not cut from this conversation once the Time Lord captain enters and tries to attack them.
Kate Fired twelve rounds rapid into all of the time lords that weren't there.
Kate looked at her and said: “Osgood, this is fan fiction. We can have a little bit of character flanderization, and let me shoot people.”
"Now,” Said Kate. “Where are the other UNIT people?"
If that bit made any sense even though any lines from Osgood were cut, due to the fact that all of the time lords are now also Chris Pratt, Kate is now the only person not cut from this conversation once the Time Lord captain enters and tries to attack them.
Kate ran into the wall repeatedly.
I'd like you all to give special credit to Kate trying to make the story work when literally every bit of the story involving her has already been deranged.
* * *
The Doctor and Sarah Connor sat in the void. The Doctor was wearing Sarah's sunglasses, military gear, boots and motorcycle. Sarah was wearing the Doctor's floppy hat, overcoat, question mark regalia and sonic screwdriver.
"Well, I know we're in the void, but where are we exactly?" Sarah Connor asked.
"I don't know but I sure do love commiting genocide." The Doctor responded.
"Wow, what a searing enditement of my character," Sarah Connor said mildly. "Please be done with this whole 'I'm the crazy one and you're the normal one now' routine soon."
The Doctor rolled her eyes. "But Chris Pratt fills me with inexorable rage!"
"Well, use it to focus on getting us out of here. And focus on getting back your normal characterization." Sarah noted. "But first, figure out where this void is."
They examined the void.
"Hey, this void is made out of Chris Pratt." The Doctor noticed.
"...How did we not notice that?"
"I dunno. Probably something about the author having been doing the bare minimum of descriptive text for so long that the original thing which started out as a parody of Big Finish description became a bad habit?"
"Wow, congratulations, Doctor, we usually parody other things but now we're parodying ourselves. It's like what we normally do, but shitter." Sarah grumbled. The Doctor was unsure how to respond in a witty manner, so she didn't say anything.
"Does the void just go on forever?" Sarah asked after a while.
"I don't know. Does Chris Pratt go on forever?"
"HELLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Sarah hollered.
They heard something else call back in the distance.
They ran towards it.
* * *
"Good Afternoon World, This is Trinity Wells on AMNN. We have a new and important announcement straight from.. . dear god, what does that say? Faction Hollywood?"
"Hi, yes, it's us," said Whippersnapper Paradox, barging into the room. "We at Faction Hollywood, which is a real thing, look it up, take the universe very seriously. We have thus decided to recast everyone we possibly can as Chris Pratt. What do you say to that, Chris Pratt?"
"I think it's a great idea, and don't you worry people at home, you can trust me because I used to be Trinity Wells," said Chris Pratt.
Whippersnapper Paradox nodded in agreement. This was all quite logical.
Chapter Three
After at least three hours of walking, the Doctor and Sarah Connor came to a campfire in the void. Huddled around it were around eighteen people, in rags. It was the style these days, to wear rags if you were trying to seem ominous and also wanted to keep warm.
It wasn't even really cold, which begged the question of the rags, and campfire, but hey, needs must.
"Afternoon." Sarah Connor said, tipping her hat. "I'm Sarah Connor, and this is a big baby who thinks it's a fun thing to reverse characterizations for an episode. Who are you guys?"
"...You seriously don't recognize them?" The Doctor laughed. She pointed. "There's Charles Martinet. There's Bill Murray. There's the Time Lord High Council, and there's Trinity Wells."
Trinity Wells waved. She had been in the past two stories now. Soon she would expand and devour the universe.
"Oh my god, we're in the recast hole." Sarah Connor realized.
"Where-a recast actors go-to-a-die!" Charles Martinet said in a cheery mario voice that did not help matters.
"We need to get out of here and dethrone Chris Pratt from his pantheon of pain." The Doctor said urgently.
"You cannot-a escape!" Charles Martinet replied.
"Yeah, it's like, super hard," Bill Murray added in a Garfield voice.
"But not impossible?"
"I dunno," Bill Murray said sullenly. "Ya got any lasagna?"
* * *
Kate Stewart walked onto the street where the Doctor disappeared. She observed the Time Lord ship in orbit that Chris Pratt was now commanding. It was either a fucking enormous bigger on the inside ship or very very average in size, and she suspected it was the latter.
She turned to the spot where Osgood wasn't.
Kate smiled. “I am glad you are aware of this otherwise inconsequential piece of knowledge that will never be brought up in another story.” She said.
And she strolled into the TARDIS, which had been left on the street corner.
* * *
Meanwhile on the Chris Pratt Time Lord High Council ship, henceforth referred to as the Pratt-Mobile..
"Oh, cool," said Chris Pratt. "I'm going to conquer the world and stuff."
"Rad!" Answered the Chris Pratt that used to be the Time Lord captain.
"Tubular!" Answered the Chris Pratt that used to be the Time Lord Council.
"Extreme!!" Answered the Chris Pratt that used to be Dodo Chaplet.
Suddenly the TARDIS dematerialized next to the Chris Pratts and Dodo. Kate ran out, still only following the script from the original episode which had long since been abandoned.
"Doctor! Golly, where does she get them," Kate said schizophrenically. "What can we do to help?
The Chris Pratts stared at her, confused.
"Why are you in the Prattmobile?" One of them declared, angrily, but not too angrily.
"Well, yes, but if it helps you, I think we're still your friends," Kate replied, before taking out her gun and maniacally blasting the Pratts.
* * *
[Phone Ringing Noise]
"Hello, BBC Managing Department? Hi. This is Whippersnapper Paradox. Representing, um, Faction Hollywood. Yeah. Hi. How's the kids? Oh, that's nice. Well say hi to little Chris Pratt for me. I, um, I'm calling on business, actually. Um, yeah. We at Faction Hollywood think that Jemma Redgrave is a little too unknown of an actor. Bit too last season. Mm. Yeah, I know. Yeah, you get what I'm saying? Maybe something new, bit bold? I'm thinking,, um, Chris Pratt? Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks for your time. Say hi to Steven Moffat - I'm sorry, forgot, um, say hi to Chris Pratt for me!"
[Reciever clicks.]
* * *
Chris Pratt waved hi to Chris Pratt. "Hi, Chris Pratt."
"Hey, Chris Pratt!!!" Answered Chris Pratt, happily to Chris Pratt.
"Hey, Chris Pratt," said Chris Pratt to Chris Pratt. "Oh, hey, Chris Pratt," He said to Chris Pratt. "Wow! Chris Pratt!" said Chris Pratt, recognizing Chris Pratt. "It's Chris Pratt, guys!" Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt nodded in recognition. Chris Pratt walked in. "Yo!" He said, greeting Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt. Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt, Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt rolled their eyes. "God, it's Chris Pratt," Chris Pratt said disdainfully.
This went on for quite some time.
* * *
"I think I have a plan for getting us out of this," The Doctor mused.
"Do you now," Sarah mused. "A genuine plan or a pastiche of my character?'
"Blow it up?"
"Hm. Nice idea," Sarah said, the comedic level of that not being a geniune plan going completely over her head. "Hey, can we blow up this place?" She called to The Time Lord High Council. The Council murmured to eachother for a scant few moments and then called back that it was against the Council of the Time Lords to interfere. After Sarah replied that she'd "interfere with their ass!" And the Council questioned whether this made sense - they soon gave the Doctor and Sarah Connor a comically large cartoonish bomb - a cannonball with a fuse.
The Doctor handled it with care. "This is one of the Time Lord's most powerful weapons, luv," She said, finally getting back into character. "It's called a Septilon Reality Dispersal Field Combuster. Or a toon bomb."
"A toon bomb?"
"Like Looney Tunes. The fundamental affect of a stick of dynamite being more dangerous to spacetime than a bundle of a more realistic bomb because of it's inherent comedic effects. The Time Lords, in their infinite wisdom, recently discovered that humor itself has a fundamental affect of damaging the multiverse. So they built a world destroyer into a tiny little cartoon bomb that's bigger on the inside. A weapon like this, well, it's more effective to the basecode of reality than the equivalent amount of explosives not localized into a bigger on the inside tiny funny looking bomb. Because it's powered by the ancient time lord science of being fecking ridiculous."
"I want twenty." Sarah decided.
"Let's go put it in the corner of the void and then run very quickly in the opposite direction." The Doctor decided. "Hopefully we can blast through the recast universe into the prime universe."
"Any chance of us dying?"
"Oh, well, when the bomb goes off, our hair will stick straight up in the air and we'll get humorous scorch marks,, but not really. It's more harmful to spacetime itself than us, really, my poppet."
"Oh, thank god we're back to normal." Sarah sighed with relief. "Let's take this battle to Chris Pratt!!"
They paused.
"I think I just realized how ridiculous that sounds." She noted.
"We've been travelling for ages, and you've only just now realized the universe is kinda silly?" The Doctor asked, confused.
"Personally, I think that it's-a very normal, mama mia!!" shrieked Charles Martinet in the corner.
Chapter Four
Boom.
The Doctor, Sarah Connor, Charles Martinet, Bill Murray and Trinity Wells, were suddenly on the streets of London.
"It's time to kill Chris Pratt!" Sarah Connor declared.
"I hate mondays," said Bill Murray.
"Wa-hoo!" said Charles Martinet.
Thus it was so.
* * *
"Chris Pratt," said Chris Pratt, excitedly. He had decided to recast the continent of Asia, and phoned Faction Hollywood. Where Asia once was, there was now a giant, mountainous and water-buoyant Chris Pratt. "Chris Pratt!" He said, excitedly. Upon realizing his power, he decided to try something even more presumptuous. "Hey, um, Whippersnapper Paradox, right?"
"Yes," Whippersnapper replied, coldly.
"I was wondering, uh, you're fighting in the War in Heaven, right?"
"Profiting of it, more like," Whippersnapper mentioned. "There was a lovely film Faction Hollywood made the last week showing it."
"Oh, yeah, I was in it!" Chris Pratt realized. "That must have been nice! Can I see the movie sometime?"
"It's non-Euclidian." Whippersnapper Dismissed it. "It would make your brain burst with temporal horror and your eyes retreat into your skull. If the film is ever shown, existence will melt, space itself will become a nonexistent concept and everything that ever was, ever will be, shall exist on but a singular point. Time will not exist. Space will not exist. The Opera will not end when the fat lady sings. All of existence will spiral into an nervous breakdown of dynamic proportion of which no mind can comprehend. You cannot see it."
"Is the popcorn good at least?"
"Oh, the best." Whippersnapper Paradox nodded.
"Well, that's nice. Anyway, you're fighting in the war in heaven. So, um, what would happen, if I, um, hypothetically, recasted someone in the war in heaven?"
"What? Lol no," Whippersnapper Paradox said, his mask shifting in turbulent rage. "That is impossible and very bad."
"What if I hypothetically, had, um, recasted The Enemy?"
"...What?"
Chapter Five
The Enemy, as we (might) know, is an existential force that declared war on the time lords. It's true identity has remained secret as to not fricking ruin the point of the Enemy. We joke about the Enemy is, we joke about what they are, what they might be, but rather the point is that we will never know. They wage their war in a way that we never see them. That we never know what they are. A faceless, wicked force, one that made even the Time Lords, very, very, afraid.
Just kidding, they're all Chris Pratt now
This is not a good thing. Not merely because of the fact that we now know what they are due to the recast, but now that we know what they are, they aren't going to wage their wars from afar, no. They aren't going to wage their wars from afar, but - oh, they're going to do something worse, because while we know what their physical form technically is, we don't know what they were. The source of their power remains, but now they've been physicalized.
The Enemy is no longer a pile of pretentious concepts that can never be viewed, they now have a physical form. They can get up close and personal. Their mystery is maintained - we still don't know what they are, but by recasting the enemy, the Enemy now has a fighting force, a space time military comprised entirely of Chris Pratt.
The universe is about to get fucked.
* * *
Walking down the street, brandishing their weapons, suddenly time and space decided to go whoooooooooooop!
"Oh no!" Screamed The Doctor. "There are now new laws of physics!"
"What do you mean?" Sarah Connor asked.
"Every single MC Escher painting now applies to physics, and also the human body has been inverted into a big death thing."
"What do you mean, a big death thing?"
The Doctor pointed at Trinity Wells, who now had all of her inside parts on all of her outside parts, and so she collapsed into a pile of malleable blood and organs.
"Holy fuck!" Screamed Sarah. "What the? Why the? What the!??!? Fucking shit! Ahhh! What was that?!"
"The universe went whooooooooooooop, Sarah, I'm not sure how much more I can explain, luv."
"Why aren't Charles Martinet and Bill Murray dead?"
"Because."
* * *
Running down the street, The Doctor and friends came to a stop.
"I've realized. That this. Is probably the worst case scenario. Ever." The Doctor decided. "I know this may sound proper impertinent of me, but We should really call the Time Lords."
"Calling the Time Lords? Aren't they all Chris Pratt? Or Dead?" Sarah Connor asked.
"Just the High Council! And The Time Lords are always all dead, it's their thing!" The Doctor scolded. "Pretty sure there's got to be one of 'em somewhere. Hold on, let me get my handy dandy Hyper-cube."
"You have a handy dandy Hyper-Cube? What's that do?"
"Oh. It summons the Time Lords."
"Are you sure that that's a good-"
"Already sent it."
Suddenly the sky was made of TARDIS. Every Time Lord TARDIS working for Gallifrey ever was there. A malevolent amount of TARDIS's. Innumerable.
"We declare war on the Enemy," said a Time Lord.
"Um, Doctor?" Sarah Connor asked. "I think you just started the War in Heaven."
"What? No! It's already been going!" The Doctor shrieked, embarrassed.
"No, it's a time war, Doctor." Sarah said, frustrated. "It happened out of order."
"No, really? What? There's no way! There's absolutely no way! Why did all of that happen??!!!”
A time bomb blew up Charles Martinet and Bill Murray. But then it didn't happen. But then it did. But then it didn't.
Sarah Connor ran, or at least turned to run, but the Doctor stood still and raised her thumb up to the sky. And then they weren't there.
Chapter Six
"What's going on?" Sarah Connor swore in confusion, as they appeared aboard a spaceship.
"Basic Hitchhiker's Code. In a Time Battle that you've been caught in, you're supposed to stick out your thumb and one of the ships will transmat you on board. Decency. Saves people's lives in the midst of battle. Code of the Shadow Proclamation that even higher developed races like the Time Lords adapted." The Doctor said.
"That's nice. But it does give us the possibility that we don't know where we are."
"Oh, come on. It was the Enemy that transmatted us - didn't you feel that they intercepted the time lord transmat? And the Enemy, well, They'd only ever bring us to one place."
Sarah stood there as it sunk in. The Enemy capital ship. Run by -
"Doctor!" said the Chris Pratt Doctor. "You really shouldn't exist, lady! That's not very poggers of you."
"I hate him." Sarah Connor said immediately.
"Chris," The Doctor said. "I want my TARDIS please. I've already caused the War in Heaven today, I really don't want to have to do anything worse."
"You think you can threaten me, diggity dawg?" Chris Pratt mocked. "I am the king of the Enemy! Ruler of the Multiverse! All shall bend beneath my will-"
Sarah Connor shot him in the face.
"Sarah!" The Doctor hissed.
"What? He was super annoying and I haven't gotten to shoot anyone today yet."
"Well, there's the TARDIS. Come on."
"What, we aren't going to stop the War in Heaven?"
"War in Heaven already happened, luv. Come on, let's get a shift on!" The Doctor squeaked, and opened the TARDIS doors with a snap of her fingers.
"We're leaving?! Doctor, we can't leave," said Sarah Connor disappointedly.
The Doctor's expression darkened. "But we have to! We can't cross our own timeline, fix all of this!"
"Why not!? When we met, the other you was crossing her own timeline left and right!"
"And you and I stopped the other me! She was crazy! Don't you recall? Get in."
And Sarah was cowed. She walked into the TARDIS.
"We talked the other day about you trying to make me into a better person, Doctor, and I've been trying to do better. Trying to think about morality, and stuff. I really love my guns, granted, but Doctor, I've been trying to do what's right. And leaving right now, well, it feels wrong."
The Doctor sighed. "What can we even do, Sarah? There's a certain stage to these things, where these things are inevitable. You can't change that Chris Pratt is in every Hollywood Movie ever. he just is. Now - now just think of that like a law of time. It's bad. But it's acceptable. Because that's just what it's like. You still have a lot to learn."
"Well, I don't like it," Sarah Connor said, pouty. "Where are we gonna go next, then?"
"On." The Doctor replied, and it was so.
* * *
An Indeterminate Amount of Time Warring Later
Whippersnapper Paradox sat at the boards of executives. "So. That was a mixup. We all know it was a mixup. Casting Chris Pratt as the Enemy like that. Caused an intergalactic War in Heaven. We always wondered what it was that caused that, but well, it was that. So, sorry. Yes, yes, billions of people did die, but mostly billions of people didn't exist. So hey, what's the harm. But we've got a great idea for you this week."
The Executives nodded. "Go on."
"Okay, so - Chris Pratt - as Tim Curry in the new Rocky Horror reboot."
"Greenlit." said the Executives.
The War in Heaven restarted.
The End
This Story (Hypothetically) Starred
Chris Pratt as The Doctor
Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor
Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor
Jemma Redgrave as Kate Stewart
Bill Murray as Himself
Charles Martinet as Himself
Whippersnapper Paradox as Himself
Lachele Carl as Trinity Wells
Wow, that was pretty tubular - Chris Pratt
ReplyDelete