NCBBDAS: Revisionist History

 

NCBBDAS: Revisionist History

Starring Brenda Blethyn and Linda Hamilton

Christmas Special 

Chapter One

Time didn’t make sense to Sarah Connor. It was a fickle thing, she thought as she stepped out of the TARDIS into the Victorian Snow. The Snow drifted gently down the rooftops, the grey sky obscuring the picturesque fairytale London and setting a pall upon the city. The sky was greyer and the houses were browner and redder and covered in holly - it was clearly Christmas. 

The Doctor stepped outside, a rotund ball of many layers of clothing - many wooly coats competing for dominance, and for some idiotic reason, all unbuttoned. She grinned. The cold air bit her tongue.

"Oh, come on. It's not Christmas." Sarah Connor said, getting out of the TARDIS (in her usual modern military gear, not even attempting to avoid attention of the Victorian Londoners.) "Seriously, Doctor. Let's get back into the TARDIS. Last I checked, it was August."

"I have a time machine. Who says it's not Christmas?"

"It's not Christmas for me personally. I like to cordon off Christmas until late in the year. We have to hold the line, Doctor! Otherwise the advertisers get you." Sarah Connor scowled. 

"We have a time machine. It is now Christmas." 

"You are a victim of corporate advertising, Doctor. Christmases must be Twelve Months apart. ...It isn't, like, super weird for you to suddenly be like, 'woah, christmas,' and suddenly get into the Holiday spirit every single time the TARDIS lands you in December? Shouldn't you keep an internal calendar? Wouldn't that make things simple? Wouldn't-"

"Look! It's Christmas when this story is coming out, Sarah. Please. Don't make things more complicated."

"I'm just saying according to my internal clock it is August." 

"MURDER! MURDER! JACK THE RIPPER STRIKES AGAIN!" Screamed a Victorian Newspaper Peddler. 

"Oh, no." The Doctor murmured, horrified.

"What? Jack the Ripper?" Sarah murmured offhandedly. "That Jack The Ripper? The most famous Murderer, like, possibly ever? Doctor, we have to stop him!"

"Mm, do we have to?" The Doctor sighed. "He's really irritating."

"I'm sorry, what?" Sarah stood there in dumbfounded confusion. The more she learned about the Doctor, the less she understood, she was certain of that now. Jack the Ripper? Really?? 

"Oh, yeah. I've met Jack the Ripper. Plenty of times. He's a body-hopping alien, and he's just. the worst. he just KEEPS breaking out of prison and killing people, the cheeky fecker." 

"You make him sound like a minor inconvenience." 

"The first time I met him, I asked him literally how he could tell if someone was bad or not and he exploded and swore vengeance. The second time, I literally told him to go back to prison, and he turned around and did. He's an idiot." The Doctor sighed. 

"How many times have you met him?" Sarah Connor asked. 

"Oh, well, I first met him in this body, so keep in mind, I haven't known him long, but he's shown up and bugged me at various points around, mm, let's say I'm roundballing here - eighty three times." 

"What."

"Yeah, he's part of the daily routine, mind. Are you being serious right now? We literally had an adventure stopping him yesterday." 

"No, we didn't." Sarah Connor said indignantly. "This is absurd." 

The Doctor sighed, and began to show Sarah numerous photographs of their meetings.

"Well, I don't care what you say, Doctor. We need to examine this body." Sarah said smartly. "You were a jackass last week about trying to make me understand morality so now I get to bug you with it." 

"Fine, I s'ppose." The Doctor murmurred. "Well, it's time for a good old fashioned mystery!" 

Chapter Two

They walked up to the police officer. "Afternoon, Inspector Quick!" The Doctor exclaimed, shaking the hand of Inspector Quick from The Talons of Wheng Chiang because of course it's him damn it 

"Ah. Afternoon, , , miss..."

"Oh, hi, yeh, I'm um, the Doctor, luv. Gonna examine your body you got there, bingo?" 

"I'm sorry, miss, I don't know who you think you are, but this body is off limits." 

The Doctor sighed. "I'm the Doctor, mate! The bloomin Doctor! I've saved your behind more times than you can say Jack Robinson!"

 

Inspector Quick raised an eyebrow. "I'm afraid I haven't met you - and as to how you know the Doctor, well... he has quite a different face to yours. Now please allow me to investigate."

Sarah snapped Inspector Quick's neck.

"SARAH!!" The Doctor shrieked. 

"What?"

"He's a beloved character!! Sarah, you can't' do that sarah you just can't He stars in fourteen big finish boxsets of Jago and Litefoot, you can't just snap his neck, sarah? He's a beloved character sarah, he's really popular with the Jago and Litefoot fandom. Sarah. You can't kill him Sarah. It's not allowed to kill police officers! You just can't?" 

"He was sexist, so I can legally murder him," Sarah Connor said. "It's simple common sense."

"Sarah, by that logic, you'd be killing half of Victorian London." The Doctor bickered. 

"OOH, CAN I?"

"NO! Stop it, Come on, help me hide the body." 

"It would be easier if you chopped him up into little bits," Sarah Connor said, removing a chainsaw from her backpack. 

"We are not chopping up a classic Doctor Who character into tiny little bits."

* * * 

They began to chop up the classic Doctor Who character into tiny little bits. 

"I really hate you sometimes," The Doctor muttered, as Sarah began to theorize a way to donate the bits to Sweeney Todd. 

* * *

"Alright!" The Doctor said. "It's time to actually be heroes and inspect the body, and stop Jack The ripper once more!!" 

"yay," said Sarah Connor, eating a pie. 

They entered the room to discover the body was that of a man in a Santa costume.

"Oh jesus christ"

Chapter Three

"Jack the Ripper killed Santa?" Sarah asked, confused. 

"Well, yeah, of course he did. I'm pretty sure this is a shopping mall Santa though. I've met the real Santa, his name is Jeff." 

"Really?" 

"I don't know man the moffat era was weird" The Doctor blubbered, as she began to examine the body. "Pass me the scalpel, I need to do an autopsy." 

Sarah passed the Doctor a bloodied scalpel she had obtained from an unknown source. 

The Doctor began to cut into Santa Claus' Sternum. 

* * *

"Thanks to my autopsy, I have determined that his death was caused by unknown causes." The Doctor concluded. 

"Unknown Causes? Really?" Sarah Connor asked. 

"Yeah, um, my notes say that he's just really dead. Super dead." The Doctor concluded. "No clue how, I may have forgotten how to do an autopsy at some point."

"You forgot?" 

"I have limited space in my brain thing!" The Doctor exclaimed, frustrated. "And we're still no closer to catching Jack the Ripper! Damn, he's never usually this smart! We caught him in two minutes flat yesterday!" 

"What if it's another murderer - disguising their work as that of Jack the Ripper??" Sarah realized. 

"Yes! It makes perfect sense!!" The Doctor realized. 

They walked out of the door and back into Mount Rushmore. 

* * *

"Mount Rushmore?? When were we spontaneously at Mount Rushmore??!" Sarah shrieked.

"Sarah, we've ALWAYS been at Mount Rushmore. It's where Jack the Ripper's latest victim was found!" 

"But there isn't even a door in it! Like, it's just Mount Rushmore! How did we walk out of some kind of Victorian house where a murder took place into - just - out of Mount Rushmore! It's not even on the same continent!" 

"Sarah, you talk such rubbish sometimes, really, you do," The Doctor mused. "We have to track down Jack The Ripper, Sarah! We need to focus!" 

A police officer ran up to them. "Hey, have you seen Inspector Quick recently?"

"No." The Doctor said.

* * * 

In the Mount Rushmore Gift Shop, the Doctor was considering their options. "We have to find who killed Santa, Sarah. And that only gives us one option." 

"What?"

"We must go to the North Pole and talk to the real Santa Claus! He will know!"

"What?? But it's fake Santa? I thought Santa was fake!?" 

"No, department store Santa's are fake, obviously. How else does he visit everywhere on earth in one night if he's vibing about beforehand? Naw, they're super fake, they just work for him."

"I THOUGHT THAT WAS LIKE, AN EXPLANATION FOR HOW FAKE IT WAS!? THAT'S - THAT'S REAL?" 

"Yes!" The Doctor shrieked. "So we will now go to the North Pole!" 

"SERIOUSLY DOCTOR ? ? SANTA IS REAL?? THE COAL I WAS GIVEN EACH YEAR WAS FROM SANTA AND NOT MY DICKISH PARENTS??!" 

* * *

The Doctor and Sarah stepped out of the Mount Rushmore Gift Shop and ran back to the TARDIS.

"Doctor, I'm really starting to think something's wrong here." 

"What?" 

"I can see eight Mount Rushmore's." 

"Of course you can!" The Doctor snorted. "Everyone can ALWAYS see eight Mount Rushmore's at all times! That's how it's ALWAYS been. Did you know that there are 58796 different Mount Rushmore's in Britain alone?" 

Sarah stopped the Doctor in her tracks. "Okay. This needs to stop. You need to trust me here. Something is deadly wrong with the universe right now. First it was Jack the Ripper having temporal issues - and evidently we've met him thousands of times only you remember! And now the entire planet is weird american statues? I know I'm like, silly and crazy, but you gotta trust me, something is super wrong and we need to fix it!" 

"Oh, I'm sorry! I can't hear you Sarah, I've ALWAYS been wearing earplugs the whole time that's definitely what's been happening haha," The Doctor said. 

Sarah removed the earplugs from the Doctor's ears. "Listen the fuck up." She said. "You need to help me. For the sake of everyone - for - like, maybe even the chance that I'm right here. You need to trust me." 

* * *

They then appeared. Dozens of them. Strange levitating men with Clock... faces...for faces. "THE ANDROID'S MEMORY CANNOT BE ALTERED BY OUR TEMPORAL MASS EFFECTORS." One of them screamed. "SHE MUST BE ELIMINATED SO THE CORRECT WORLD CAN TAKE PLACE." 

"Who are you?" Sarah Connor yelled. "What are you doing to us!?!?!" 

The Doctor remembered. "Oh! Oh, damn, oh damn, oh damn! I remember! Sarah, Sarah, we're - we're in deep shit!" 

She began to explain.

* * *

You may remember the Clock Kind. You probably don't, since they only had one appearance in a mid-tier NCJDDAS episode involving Missy and the Coal Hill School Crew.  Sorry, um, long story short, luv. 

Whenever the Time Lords aren't around, there's a power vacuum. Big bloody massive one. Naturally, some very stupid people with very grand delusions want to take their place. The Clock-Kind are always chief among these stupid people, for ever since their species was born, they had an absurd obsession with time. They hollow out clocks' interiors, and wear these clocks as helmets on their heads, causing them to have no features but a ticking clock face. Their logic to this was entirely because the part of the clock that shows time is called a face. Look, I don't know. They're really proper out of it - ooh, how did I forget them!? ! Argh! 
Similar to vortex creatures you may have heard of, they're slowly but surely drawn towards paradoxes. They try and fix them, but their sheer idiocy results in always the worst possible thing happening. While Faction Paradox thrives off of continuity issues, the Clock Kind are why continuity issues exist. Like, probably all of them. River Song had a lovely straight line for a timeline until the Clock Kind tried to help her out. 

The Clock Kind's newest thing - it - it has to be Jack the Ripper! I remember now! Since - since-  In the Talons of Wheng Chiang, it is implied that Magnus Greel is in fact the ripper, and has been active for many years. In Jago and Litefoot, the two heroes combat the Ripper, a psychopathic member of the British elite. In The Snowmen, it is stated Madame Vastra ate Jack the Ripper, and if that's not enough for you, in the novel Matrix, it is stated that Jack the Ripper is the VALEYARD, using the power of dead prostitutes to power his DARK MATRIX hahah what the hell 

Which one of these are true? Well, ALL OF THEM ARE TRUE NOW! And they always have been!

So now you know what's going on with Us and Jack The Ripper. The Clockkind have fucked it up, and now we meet him and stop him every day. We've always met him every single day. But We've only met him this regeneration. Even though we've met him before. But never before now. Keep up.

How's that for Revisionist History for you?

* * *

"Okay, but what about Mount Rushmore?" Sarah asked, as the Doctor finished. 

"Mm. Yeah, sorry, no clue about that. I think that they may have gotten something confused temporally? Hey, Clockkind? A lil help there?"

"MOUNT RUSHMORE? DO YOU MEAN TOOTHPICKS?"

"So...I'm sorry, I'm just trying to understand. .. you replaced every toothpick in the world with a scale copy of Mount Rushmore, and where Mount Rushmore used to be, there's a toothpick lying there?" The Doctor blubbered. "That's - that's ridiculous!!"

"WE TRY TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS. YOU DEMEAN US FOR THIS? A CRUELTY!" 

"Doctor, I'm starting to think we're royally fucked. These guys have all of the time lord's prowess over time, but none of the precision." Sarah Connor said, worriedly.

"YOU MUST BE REMOVED SO THE CORRECT TIMELINE CAN BE TAKEN INTO EFFECT!" Another Clock Kind yelled. "CRITICISM IS BAD!" The other Clock Kind nodded. Criticism was not nice. Not nice things were not good. Not good was bad. 

"Well then," The Doctor hissed. "Why don't you fix your timeline? Remove me from history, then!" 

“What? Doctor!! No!!” Sarah Connor screamed.

The Doctor winked and whispered: “Trust me.”

And Sarah Connor did. 

“YES IT SEEMS LIKE A VERY SMART IDEA FOR US, AS VILLAINS, TO TAKE THE DOCTOR’S ADVICE.” The Clock Kind said, without an inch of sarcasm, they genuinely thought this was a great idea.

“AFFIRMATIVE, AFFIRMATIVE,” The Clock Kind concurred.

“OKAY LET’S ERASE THE DOCTOR FROM SPACE AND TIME,” They said, and then blew up. 

“…what just happened??” Sarah Connor asked.

“Oh! I just decided that I am going to be the Other to their civilization. I’m going to now go back in time and create it. Thus by erasing me, they essentially flash back onto themselves and make sure that they never existed because without me, they don’t exist.”

“But you haven’t even done that yet.”

“Ah, yes, but I will. Right now, actually. Come on.” The Doctor said, leading Sarah to the TARDIS. 

Sarah couldn’t put her head around it.

“What about Jack the Ripper?” Sarah asked, confused. 

“We’ll deal with him next week.” The Doctor said, winking. 

Time didn’t make sense to Sarah Connor. It was a fickle thing. But that was the usual. And So They walked on, onwards towards the blue box lying nestled in a blanket of Snow.

The End

Merry Christmas 

This Story (Hypothetically) Starred

Brenda Blethyn as The Doctor

Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor

Conrad Asquith as Inspector Quick

Nick Frost as Santa

Gabriel Woolf as Jack The Ripper

Tony Shalhoub as The Clock Kind