NCBBDAS: Oh Flux - The Waterworld Apocalypse
NCBBDAS: Oh Flux -
Part One of Six
Starring Brenda Blethyn, Linda Hamilton and Rinko Kikuchi
* * *
Like all good (?) stories, this one begins in the middle of another without any context.
The Doctor was hanging upside down over a pit of acid surrounded by a series of laser drones. "Me Bloomin Petunias!" She screamed britishly.
"You, my dear Doctor, are never ever going to escape my trap with your life," said Time Travelling Richard Nixon with a maniacal laugh. "Mwahahahahahahaha! Even if you can stop my sonic screwdriver proof ropes from slipping, hanging you over a 500 mile wide pit of acid filled with cannibal acid shark dragons, and you somehow manage to also dropkick my eighteen different laser drones, 24 fully operational Death Stars will atomize the planet and then I will activate my friend named Dave's vaccuum cleaner and suck the remaining planet atoms into a bag filled of vaccum shit. This is the end of you, Doctor. This is my final triumph!"
The Doctor yawned.
"What was that?" Time Travelling Richard Nixon snarled.
"Ooh! I mean, um, Oh, bleeding Nora! You're an evil, evil man, Richard Nixon, and I hafta stop ya!" The Doctor corrected herself.
"But can you stop me, Doctor? Can you stop me when all of time and space is at my command!?!" Richard Nixon screamed maniacally.
The Doctor snapped her fingers and the TARDIS dematerialized around her.
"Oh, fucking shit." Richard Nixon complained. "I forgot she could canonically do that."
"Yes! Yes I can, luv!" The Doctor yelled, slightly muffled from within the TARDIS. "Go ahead."
"What?"
"Go ahead, blow up the planet. The TARDIS will shrug it off, it will." The Doctor said. "And I really want to see the vacuum cleaner. I've been looking for a new brand - nothing can vacuum crystal well these days."
"Curse you, Doctor!" Time Travelling Nixon screamed, and the TARDIS dematerialized.
* * *
Danieru was currently queen of Waterworld. She rather liked that, all things considered. When you can be queen of something, it's usually a good endeavor. And oh, she had been waiting her time, but it was finally here - she was queen, and that was ever so nice, there weren't much problems with being a benevolent space dictator. And when you were benevolent Space Dictator of Kevin Costner's Waterworld, well, that was just the treat. Especially if only a few hundred people died in the process. Low numbers of deaths were nice, but you couldn't go too low, or the battle seemed unfair and unjust, so a few hundred was positively as good as it could get. She was rather happy. That's how these things worked.
"Afternoon, Grand High Empress Queen of the Eternal Water Soverign," Her attendant said, walking by her throne.
"Afternoon..." She said, dreamily.
Life was nice. Life was so damn nice.
* * *
Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor was an angry man that day. I can't tell you why he was angry. But believe me, it's important. You'll absolutely LOVE what we have planned for this guy, let me tell you. It's some quality writing.
But - um, we can't tell you about that yet. No. Sorry, as Professor River Song would say, spoilers.
Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor was aboard the Theorem, the greatest flagship in Tyranian History. The Tyranians had worked especially hard on it. He had worked especially hard to get there. He was the first person in Tyranian Military History to be half-human, and so he had to be ten times as better as the other Tyranians to earn his keep. But he was a Grand Marshal, Captaining the best ship in the universe, on his mission to -
you know what? never mind. We can't tell you that bit yet. Um. Just. Remember that Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor exists, alright?
* * *
Danieru was going to go out on a date with her girlfriend, Faith this evening, so she had to look extra special. She had gotten herself a nice regal crown, but it clashed with her leather goth aesthetic, so she threw it in the trash. She considered appearance. A Nice Cloak might help with the plainness of a jumpsuit, but you could hardly wear anything else if you're going to go swimming all the time (it is waterworld) and also wanted to not look completely indecent.
Eh, what the hell.
Faith walked in. "Hey, Danieru, are you ready for the date this evening?"
"No," said Danieru.
"Okay, I am going to disappear for four episodes."
"What?"
"I'm gonna. Watch." said Faith, and she disappeared. She will not be back until Episode Five.
W R I T I N G !!
* * *
The Doctor happily swung around the TARDIS, inputting coordinates. Sarah Connor from the Terminator Movies looked on, trying to look impassive. "So where are going to go next, Doctor?"
"Earth! We have to be sure that the Earth is safe from evil Time Travelling Richard Nixon!"
"Wait, that wasn't just a cold open gag thing?"
"Time Travelling Richard Nixon is incredibly plot relevant! Didn't you know? I mean, you were there when he blew up the Planet Warkaoflare!!" The Doctor asked.
"Well, I was, but the audience wasn't. Why is the initially irrelevant looking Cold Open THIS relevant?!"
The Doctor ignored her. "ooh, why isn't the ship taking us back to earth? Wow. Nixon's not there. Proper cheeky of him, the bugger. What's going on?"
The Doctor froze. A temporal psychosignal of tachyon particles and artron energy was emanating directly from the time vortex.
"Connecting."
"What was that?" The Doctor asked.
"I dunno." Sarah Connor said. "The letter Q?"
"WHY WOULD IT BE THE LETTER Q-" The Doctor screamed, but suddenly she was caught up in the psychic force and froze, her mind flung backwards in psychic time.
* * *
Crossing the void beyond the mind, The Doctor found herself in a very blue CGI landscape. She was in armor. Gallifreyan Armor. Oi! Rassilon! You better not be conscripting me again, or I'm gonna be bloody pissed off! She tried to say, but a hissy voice told her to be quiet.
SILENCE.
Well. All right, I suppose. Not giving me much bloomin choice in the matter, poppet.
In front of her, Gat, that one Time Lord from Fugitive of the Judoon and... surprisingly, Roman stood.
Roman? What's he doing here?
SILENCE.
"Is it secret?" Roman asked. "Will anyone ever be able to access it?"
"No," Gat replied. "No one can go back that far in Gallifrey's history. No one can possibly know about what we contain here. A secret more unknown than The Other or the Timeless Child. More secure than Shada or the Division. The Big fucking Gallifrey thing."
"Excellent. My presidency depends on it, Gat. They will not suspect that you are assisting me, because you are a time lord from another era, but if you are discovered and The Big Fucking Gallifrey Thing is connected back to me - then we are eternally doomed. The universe will fall."
EXPOSITION! I get it, pet! Let me out of here! Whatever you are!
Aren't you curious about the Big Fucking Gallifrey Thing? Everything is about to change, forever...
If I put a tally mark on my arm every time I heard that, I'd look like a Silence victim.
The camera panned over to a big technological tower, with a man encased at it's base in chains. They shook. He was going to break free...sooner or later.
Merry Christmas, Doctor.
* * *
"Doctor!" Sarah Connor yelled.
"Yeah?"
"You just froze for like five minutes! What was that?"
"Something only tangentially related to Christmas..." The Doctor trailed off. "But I don't wunna think about it. More pressing things. Come on. Let's track down Nixon."
"Oh by the way, Doctor," Sarah Connor asked. "Have you noticed that the TARDIS is leaking blood, and a hologram of Idris keeps chanting the words Big Fucking Gallifreyan Thing?"
"it's probably not relevant. Will you do the honors?"
Sarah pulled the TARDIS lever and the TARDIS dematerialized.
"Near Christmas. December 22nd, 2021... Waterworld? Nixon's going to Waterworld? On Christmas?" The Doctor mused, as ominous music played. "Oh, couldn't the universe let me relax for a week?"
* * *
Danieru was signing legislation to legalize crime. She'd been meaning to get to it. That's it. That's the whole joke. Crime is legal now.
Suddenly Time Travelling Richard Nixon appeared.
"What?" Danieru swore.
"TIME TRAVELLING NIXON," Time Travelling Nixon said, like a Pokemon, grabbing her, and disappearing into the time vortex.
* * *
MEANWHILE IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE
What the
what the fuck
what thth hthe eh fuc k k ? /?
why are we here? what? why please
please i just wanna write a doccy who episode god
please no don't hurt my family
* * *
The TARDIS dematerialized on Waterworld, and the Doctor and Sarah got out.
"Oh, at last." The Doctor said. "Been meaning to get back here. There's like? Someone? Here that wanted me to come back, I can't remember."
"Doctor!!!" Screamed A Young, Androgynous Fish.
"Is it them?" Sarah Connor asked, pointing.
"It's rude to point."
"HELLO. YES. IT's ME. DO CTOR>. It IS mm ME " said the young androgynous fish person.
"Uh, hello! have we met, I think you have me at a disadvantage, me poppet." The Doctor smiled, extending a hand.
"Jaime. They/Them." They said, extending a hand. "Um. Have we not met? It is me!! the character that will not appear for three episodes."
"Is that, um, Faith?" Sarah Connor asked.
"No, not her. Who’s Faith?”
"Grand Marshall Hugo Endeavor?" The Doctor suggested.
"No, Doctor, he’s In all the episodes! , although he does nothing in any of them.” Sarah admonished.
How do you even know about these people holy shit no it's me, Jaime. We haven't met yet, but we will." Jaime screamed, ominously. "But I won't tell you anything useful about the future beyond that."
"You're the worst." Sarah Connor said. "At least tell me whether or not to invest in Crypto."
The Doctor placed Sarah Connor in the corner on Time Out, before urgently turning to Jaime. “I really respect that, Jaime, luv. Here’s a cookie.” She passed them a chocolate chip cookie. “Now is there any vague instructions you could possibly give me?”
“Aw, thanks! You’re the best! Um…yeah, I … I shouldn’t have said anything, I just - yeah, I’ll be going,”
“I gave you a cookie, Jaime, poppet. You’re morally obligated to Break the laws of time for me. Information, spill.”
“I’m Sorry, Doctor…” Jaime said.
“What?”
“No. I mean, not just about this, I’m … I'm just sorry.” They looked forlorn for a moment. Burdened with the knowledge of what was to come, the Doctor supposed. “Um, I have to go!” Jaime ran off, perturbed.
Sarah Connor made a face. “What was that about? Can I get out of time out please? I don’t like it…”
“I don’t like this either. It’s starting to feel very familiar to something… something like how this has all happened before…”
* * *
As Jaime walked away, a sequel hook grabbed them and lifted them up into the sky.
* * *
MEANWHILE
LIVERPOOL 1906
Joseph Williamson was making Tunnels. He did that. Preparing for the inevitable catastrophe to come. This catastrophe was completely different from the one that was two years ago involving the Flux. That was over and done with. The fellow just really loved his tunnels. Couldn’t get enough of em. They were so very tunnel. He liked that. Loved that. Probably had to do with the brain damage from all the dust in them.
“Tunnel!!” He bellowed. The tunnel was deep, and it was good. Tunnel. Tunnel. Doesn’t even sound like a word now, does it?
Tunnel
Tunnel
Tunnel
Now it doesn’t really look like one either. Tunnel. Tunnel tunnel tunnel tunnel. He was one with them now. One with the terrain. The soil. Forever shall he be in the earth, incased by the rock, soil, his bones would decay and rot and sooner or later he would be the tunnel, yes he would, wouldn’t he wouldn’t that be nice and so it was so and so he dug the tunnel.
Tunnel.
Guess how many episodes it will take for this to come up. Go on.
* * *
MEANWHILE
SPACE
Oh piss off.
* * *
“Time Travelling Nixon!” Said Time Travelling Nixon, the blue light of the teleport flowing into the room, and illuminating the darkened ship console as they appeared. Danieru was still glowing blue for a few moments after she materialized, and she began to wonder if something had gone wrong. If she had failed to materialize, the buffer hadn’t gotten hold of her, and this was the moment before a long and slow death, or if that had already begun, and she was freaking out now because of that thought, what if she never landed, what if she never stopped glowing blue, a flickering ghost of a woman, a piece of data that refused to stop existing, all of her tattoos would be ruined, she would just fade away like smoke into the horizon, and well, so she had to come to peace with it in this brief moment she had, about how she had a good life really, and all things considered it all worked out rather nice, especially since she got to be a queen for a few days and that sort of thing was all very good, you know, and really she liked Faith and felt very sad she wouldn’t have gotten to know that lovely dark beautiful face a bit longer, and the universe was sad like that, wasn’t it, it was so very unfair and really that was the end of it, and so she had to accept that too, it was a lot of accepting she was doing, but she was doing it, and oh god, she actually didn’t want to die!!
Nevermind.
The previous moment lasted literally a second and she was super fine.
Wow.
She needed a therapist.
“Welcome to the ship.” Time Travelling Nixon said.
“What?”
“It’s a Republican Party Nixon Brand space-ship deluxe.” Time Traveling Nixon said. “I’m taking you to safety!”
“Safety of what?” Danieru asked.
“A massive gravimetric anomaly, pulsating graviton energy readings. A wave of impossibly strong gravity, eighty three light-years wide. It’s called the Shift.” Nixon said.
“What?”
“Well, the name Flux was taken.” Time Traveling Nixon explained.
“Oh, shift.” Danieru spat. This was getting worse and worse. “Why are you rescuing me?!?” She yelled.
“Haven’t you heard?” Time Traveling Nixon asked. “I am not a crook.”
* * *
MEANWHILE
GALLIFREY
Our readings seem to indicate it's broken containment. It is free.
The Infernus is breached? This is catastrophic. We must Inform the Operative. We will need the target to be tracked and eliminated, as soon as possible.
He may require a large physical reward. Minerals, Monetary items, technology. He is not cheap.
But we need the best, don't we, or it won't work! Call him. We need him. Now.
She concluded the telepathic conversation. It would all be sorted. Everything was going according to the plan of the Rani. The Glorious leader of Miasmia Goria would stand triumphant. That was how the Rani worked. After all, she was incomparably brilliant. And a fascinating experiment like this one may yet bear fruit.
"Mwhahahahahahahahahaahahahaha!" Proclaimed the Rani.
And it was so.
* * *
WATERWORLD
"Oh my, could this all stand still for five seconds? So many places. I feel dizzy." The Doctor moaned. And it rather was the truth. She did feel dizzy, and she couldn't explain why.
"You haven't even gone anywhere." Sarah Connor said, confused.
"Sorry, pet." The Doctor said, re-asserting myself. "I - I could have sworn -"
"Doctor? Seriously? Are you alright?" Sarah asked, confused.
"Get - get - me - to the TARDIS - -" She stuttered, and she collapsed.
"Oh shit," Sarah Connor exclaimed. Something was wrong indeed. Something was wrong with the Doctor.
* * *
"Do you know who I am, Doctor? Do you know what I can do?"
It couldn't be. "Swarm?" She asked, confused. "But I -"
"No. Not Swarm. Not your pitiful Ravagers."
"The Ninth ... Doctor . .. Boxset?"
"No. No, you really don't know, do you? It's me, Doctor. One of your oldest friends. Soon to be one of your greatest enemies. Soon, you'll see. You'll understand. And You'll Die. Perhaps not even in that order."
* * *
The Doctor came to, and she was screaming. Fire reigned through her entire body - it felt like she was burning up! She shook, and shook, and she couldn't breathe - not in any of her organs or anything, it was just all, well, everywhere. And then it stopped.
Sarah shook her. "Doctor, are you alright?"
"...Who are you?"
"...What? Sarah Connor, Doctor. Your friend."
"Oh. Yes." The Doctor straightened her floppy clothes. "Yes, yes, of course, I remember. Sarah, yes..."
"I've carried you to the TARDIS, Doctor. Are you well?" Sarah asked, remarkably concerned.
"Yes." She said, eventually, standing up. "Yes, I'm quite sure I am. Thank you, Sarah."
But Sarah wasn't sure. "What's going on? Doctor. You can tell me."
"Danieru..." The Doctor mused. "How could I have forgotten - how could I - Danieru..."
"Who's Danieru?" Sarah asked, intently.
"Our next lead."
* * *
THE REPUBLICAN PARTY NIXON BRAND SPACECRAFT DELUXE
The TARDIS dematerialized with a wheezing groan. "Just outside the orbit of Waterworld..." The Doctor considered.
"Doctor, maybe you should lie down, give me a nice shotgun and let me find this Danieru."
"Oh, my sweet gel, I'm really rather fine, yes..." The Doctor stated, spacily. "We need Danieru, come on..."
"Doctor??"
The spaceship was a shade of brown, mainly, because most things are in this universe, but it was closer to tan really than anything, and there were nice orange highlights. The Doctor liked it. It reminded her of something, but what, she could not say. Danieru. Danieru.
Who was she? What was-
She stepped into the main control room.
* * *
Danieru was in a cage. Captive by Nixon. Not one of her worst Wednesday Nights. There was this one time where she got married to a Poodle from Pussyworld drunk in Space Vegas. You may be wondering, wait, why did she get drunk on a wednesday night? Why is this not bad for her?
A. She's the ruler of a planet.
B. Fridays and Saturdays are MUCH worse.
Sarah Connor entered. "Haha clever dialogue," She said, unlocking the cage.
"Who are you?" Danieru asked.
"Sarah Connor." Sarah said, bored. "Come on. The Doctor's this way."
"Aren't ... aren't we going to talk? Get to know eachother?"
"Accept that I'm an asshole quickly please," Sarah Connor commanded, and Danieru sighed, and did so.
* * *
"Afternoon, Nixon." She said.
"Hello, Doctor." Nixon said conversationally. "I've rescued Danieru as per the instructions."
"What instructions?"
"From my employers. I really can't say." Nixon apologized, shrugging in a non committal gesture. "Really, Doctor, I don't want to have to hurt you, although I would probably enjoy it, so ...don't push it."
"I want to know who they are." The Doctor said, uncaring.
"Bold. Ah. Wonderful Doctor, you do impress me! Apologies, But Even That I am unaware of. I said 'I couldn't say,' not that I wouldn't tell you. I truly have no idea. But they were quite expressive that Danieru should be off of Waterworld before 1:36 PM, December 22nd, 2021."
"...But that's now."
"So it is," Nixon realized.
Waterworld exploded.
* * *
The Shift. The Natural Evolution of the Flux. A Force of Unparalleled Nature. But Also Sort of Bad. Like Palpatine deciding to build Three Death Stars, for example. It's weird. But. Doctor. You know who I am. Say it. Prove to Me Our History. Our Connection.
"I don't know who you are. Or why you keep speaking to me in these telepathic connections. You look like Swarm."
"Ah. That's a disguise. Clever, eh?" And with that. The mask was removed.
"What?" The Doctor spat, confused. "You?!?!? Why are you doing this?"
The man smiled, his grey locks revealed. "NOBODY NEEDS SOUP MORE THAN ME." said Evil Dan.
"What? What? What?" The Doctor screamed.
* * *
The Republican Party Nixon Brand Space Craft Deluxe shook. The Doctor was unconscious on the floor - the psychic connection between her and the twist villain was refusing to budge no matter how much Nixon tried to get her to wake up.
Waterworld burned, and exploded into fire and flame. A ring of molten rock shook towards them.
"Shockwaves! Computer, Raise Shields!" Screamed Time Travelling Nixon.
"Unable to comply," The Computer intoned.
"The Shift! Or the Flux! Or whatever! It's moving closer! And I can't stop it!" Screamed Nixon.
The TARDIS began to glow with an ominous red light. And on the floor, the Doctor began to shake, and scream.
"Infernus!! It's coming!!!" The Doctor screamed, eyes still shut. "The end of the universe..."
The Flux moved closer.
Ha Ha Ha WHAT THE ACTUAL FLUX DID I JUST READ?
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